Two opposite worlds

    It’s been a while since I’ve been left shaken after a conversation, today resets that bar. And I’m so conflicted. I’m torn and want to take a break. Take a break from social media, from tumblr,  from all the news articles but then i’m worried. Will that make my/the problem percolate more. I’m so upset. So upset after having, or my attempt at having a conversation at the dinner table about current events, specifically the protests and the racism, but that got shut down really quick by my ever so hot tempered father that i've known my entire life. This last week has made me, and I'm sure a lot of people, really examine their own bias, privilege, and internal or external racism. I've known my parents, like a lot of old school Asian parents, or old school parents period are having to open their eyes and learn more and more about the ever changing world, but then again at the same time, not. They are getting confronted about their old school values and morals and don't understand the world that my generation is seeing today. I've known who my parents are. This is why I am still terrified of coming out to them and believe they won't accept me for who I am. I've always felt like the old man out in my family, and my attempts of having a conversation about racism and getting my father to see a different side from his stance at the dinner table only highlights this feeling more. 

    I left the table in tears and shaking, realizing more so than I ever have, that I have a racist father. And how he wasn't willing or really able to have a conversation with his daughter. A conversation where I did not raise my voice, nor try to convince him to change his opinion but just listen. Listen to a different point of view. But that didn't happen. Instead I was faced with my father who became increasingly angry, spouting racist comments he could not recognize. I was left speechless and upset. And shaking. 

And as I attempted to cope, I opened my phone onto instagram and tumblr where my timeline has been COVERED with coverage about black lives matter and the injustices of the world minorities, especially the black community. I've said this before, but the realization of how I've generated and cultivated my timelines/dashboard of those respected social media platforms reminded me how I follow the right people. People who are aligned with the same morality as myself. This reminded me how different my virtual world is from my real world. And by real world, I mean my parents, my boss, people I interact with in the "real" world. And it's highly disappointing on one end but comforting on the other knowing there are people out there who believe in the same rights as I do. Who are open. 

    It's a strange dichotomy but one I am not a stranger to. At this point, it seems like my entire life. Only I wish it would stop and I would not longer have to live in two opposite worlds. 

continue from physical journal

I thought i'd continue here after writing in my physical journal for 2 reasons. both related to each other but 1. i'm getting old as fuck and can't write as tiny as i use to with the small lines in my journal. I need to get a big notebook, or regular size one for my journals - also i guess I don't really have that much of a need now to write as much as i would have to when i was younger, in school, or college/grad taking notes nd shit, but even actually thinking about it, in grad school and college i started using my laptop to type. oh fun times, past mems. i wish i can go back to school. i missed it and loved it. anyway 2nd point - with my inability to write neat in those tiny lines my words are sometimes 40% illegible so at least on this, i can definitely read all my words. I just hope this will live forever or that I will always have access to it when I feel the need to go down memory lane. Like I did tonight. or if ever want to share the post to someone, they can read it plain and simple.

But more importantly, what started it all tonight was that I wanted to go down memory lane and figure out "exactly" how long i've been struggling or questioning my sexuality/wanting to go to pride. Since it is the start of pride month and I've been feeling the love today. Maybe bc I follow a lot of queer ppl and queer content on my various social media blogs, (cause world is still pretty hateful - which is sad to realize - stupid uswnt article comments of ignorant ppl - thankfully i live in NY which is better than middle america or maybe asian, idk. all i've known is here so.) but it's the start of pride month and again as I think I've felt for the past few years that longing for wanting to be part of the events, go out to the festivals or events planned. But i dont. because i'm not "out" and I would feel like a fraud. even though i dont think maybe ppl would make me to feel that way, probably just happy to see more ppl maybe, but I still feel like I would be a fraud, because I'm not out. Though...maybe I'm not. because everyone's been through these struggles. maybe not everyone, but majority. Idk, maybe i'd find my community or feel like a sense of community. I mean, I have been more open/getting more open in the past years. I recently told another one of my friends about my feelings and being open about liking girls. So there's that. I also just purchased pride socks to wear. And will hopefully be getting the wild feminist pride shirt soon. Though even with that I think, will i really wear it? I mean I want to wear all these things but if i do, is that me coming out? Or will ppl think I'm just an ally? Hopefully the latter? until I come out? but maybe not. Probably not. but I don't know. One of the lessons i learned from Wilson, ppl don't give this as much thought as i am. because i'm putting everything through a scared filter. But i do feel myself becoming more accepting of myself. or, maybe i'm past that actually but just willing to share it with other ppl and just having that dialogue. As always I'm thinking in my head, just come out to my friend diane and jackie. Tell them the truth and be completely and 100% honest. because you've tainted it with others. You've, I've been needing to have an outlet where I can speak to my friends 100% honestly about these feelings so why would I lie, that would just make it harder for me again. Just thoughts. I'm sure if i do ever act on these feelings I'll write about them. Either here or physical journal. I'll make myself.

just an update, small tidbit

These past few days I can feel myself shutting down again, or closing myself off. Or feel myself getting close to that again. I'm realizing how small my inner circle is and maybe I need to expand it. Or that I hold a lot of stuff in, or just don't feel comfortable yet telling everyone anything. It's hard and challenging and I don't even think I'm making sense right now, but as always i'm just gonna write it all out and see what happens. Only this time, I'm not drunk, angry, or panic-y. Just...feeling. After girl's night out dinner two days ago with friends, or even just at the dinner I remember thinking how much I didn't care for the conversations we were having. This might have to do with me being fairly tipsy upon getting to dinner. Or just, I don't know. I was having drinks with another friend (c) beforehand, someone I've had a slight history with - (went on a few dates with - he liked me, i didn't really have feelings for him, probably because i'm gay and/or bi and/or just not feeling chemistry with him - or find him that attractive anymore) ANYWAY we're able to have great conversations when we're together and was having fun talking to him. Maybe bc I know he maybe still likes me, so he's attentive and really wants to get to know me? or that's just what I think. Anyway, I just remember, or think back now, and at the time of the dinner how we were able to have a great conversation. I wanted to know more about him, it was easy and carefree. Then cut to the gno dinner and I wasn't. It wasn't fun, easy or carefree. It was annoying and I almost didn't even want to be there. I was also asked why I was so secretive still, or hold back or don't share which led me into a passionate talk or what I thought was a passionate talk in hindsight, how I can be an open book (even though, I know, I know I'm not because I'm not open to my friends, or all my friends about my sexuality) but I have changed, I think. I'm not so closed off as I use to be and open about relationships but it's just been awhile. It easier, safer to admit that then to admit I'm lonely or yea, of course I wish i was with someone but I'm also conflicted by a lot of things. So yea, that's not something I'm open about, which then makes me not so open about all the subjects revolving that. But I said I was open, or that anyone can ask all the questions you want to me, but also understand the right to refuse to answer any questions I'm not comfortable asking. I hope that message got across to them in that way to just respect me, but I'm not so sure it did. My other friend did mentioned I how function or open better or do better in individual settings...which is true I guess...though part of me is angered/annoyed she said that. Because I feel like she is trying to say she knows me better than I know myself. Which...I don't need. I don't need the extra commentary. but Whatever, I digress. Anyway, I just felt like, I didn't want to share anything during dinner or talk to them about anything because I didn't see the point. I don't think they would understand me. Or they maybe weren't also in the right place to hear me. I don't know. But this is how I felt. Also, finding out that my best guy friend (one who I would arguably say I'm the closest to, or thought I was closest too until he had a female roommate move in- who leading into - I found out that they are now sorta dating? I mean I knew it could be a possibility even though he said probably not. But that was a few months ago. I was thinking about this last night about why I was so hurt by this, and i think it's just really, I wish he would have told me? I thought we were close enough for him to talk to me about this. I mean, he doesn't owe me anything, we've never dated, but just as friends. I don't know. I felt like, which doesn't mean it's equal or again, that he owes me this, but I came out to him and have spoken to him at certain lengths about my sexuality, dating woes and everything. I'd think he would feel the same way with me, like he could talk to me about this stuff. But he didn't. And that hurts. Like i'm the last to know. And i even asked him about it a few weeks ago, gave him the opportunity to talk about it with me. and nothing. So maybe that is also influencing me right now on why I feel myself shutting off again or not wanting to share anything to those who I thought were closest to me. My two "best" friends have significant others and/or busy with their life. As I have been, but...i guess, they have someone to speak to still, or gained that. While I've just lost, and not gain anything. Normally I'd talk to my friend all the time and feel comfortable saying all my anxieties or having a conversation, but i know she's busy with work so I don't. We also don't talk that often anymore anyway since she's busy with work as I know, but also...she has multiple friends and a boyfriend who they're progressing...moving in together. Idk. I guess it ultimately is, I'm feeling lonely. Like I just don't have anyone to talk to. Which makes me want to close in, and shut in more. Even from those around me. bc I feel they're abandoning me? - i don't think i feel that way but it came into my mind, and i think i just needed to type it out/get it out. No one is abandoning me. I know this. but sometime it just feels like I'm on the lower rung. Or I'm not on a rung because friendship doesn't need a rung but...idk. Maybe i'm just assumed to be able to handle my shit and I dont need to unload on other's. That's not in their description nor can I expect them to be at my beck and call to make me feel better at this time because...they're not my significant other or because they have their own lives. MAybe, i mean i know, i need to expand my circle.

Pride

It's been a few June's now. But every year, for the past, 3? maybe 4 years now, pride comes along and the many celebrations associated with it. And each year, I think, how bad I want to go to these events but I can't. Or don't. More so the second one, but the can't is highly influential and feels more true than the don't. But nevertheless, I often find myself home, thinking, wondering, looking at the various social media posts from pride events, thinking how i wish i could be there, or wondering how it would feel to be there. But I can't. Because I'm not...'out' yet. Or ever. Or if there's a need to come out. Maybe I'm just confused or because I've been exposed to more homosexual content in the last few years and how accepting and open some people in the world are. Or maybe the somewhat vast majority. A lot more than when I was growing up. But after going most of my childhood and influential learning years as gay people were bad and it is wrong, even though i never really felt like that, its hard to let go of what was instilled in your brain. Also to make yourself not feel like you're wrong or bad. 

While the rest of the world may be growing more open and accepting, in my immediate, immediate world, it's not. I have the fear that if i came out, everything would change. And truth be told, some things absolutely would, I know this. Probably some for the better, since I wouldn't be living in this constant turmoil and internal struggle within myself, hiding myself from others, filtering my thoughts. But also, how people see me may change. Would I look different in their eyes? Would my "sexuality" /change from being always considered straight, cause them to see me different? Or would that explain some things to them about me, without real rhyme or reason just because my sexuality "changed." I mean, I still feel like me, minus the struggle to 'come out' or not. I feel more open if anything. And isn't that a good thing? Guess the problem is, not everyone is readily able to except that. You can be as open as you want, but if people can't receive that, then what's the point? Are you just living in your singular world of openness while everyone is in the shadows? Stuck there, because their happier there. They rather be stuck in the dark then more forward to the light. It's safer. Known. Comfortable. 

Maybe if I went to pride and see the overwhelming amount of support, or people who felt comfortable and proud of who they are, it would help me and give me the confidence. It could be eye opening and a great experience. I mean, hell I just went to firefly music festival last weekend and being surrounded by so many people for a music festival can be overwhelming, but in those 4 days, I only had one negative experience. Everyone there was so welcoming and free, and easy going. Everyone was pretty much so nice to each other. There wasn't really any pushing, shoving, getting to the front. Which was a change of pace from what I'm use to going to concerts. Perhaps because it was a music festival? Or out in Delaware. Whatever. Who knows. But, what I do know is. Every year, with this year not being any different. I'm home. Not at the parade. But wishing I was, but being unable to feel like I can. Or worthy. I also have the fear I'd be seen to be like a fraud, since I wasn't/am not, fully out yet. Which I know is somewhat of an irrational fear, because i can just as easily be taken as an ally if I went. But I just feel like I wouldn't be comfortable. If i'm not truly comfortable with myself yet, how can I be around people celebrating the fact that they are? They got over the hump, while i'm....still whole heartedly in it. Help.  

Well, here's this thought. (s)

Wow. It's been two years since my last post. We're gonna forget that for a second, and just let me write what i need to get out at the moment. (aka that was always the purpose of this blog)

Every time I read/hear a quote about finding that one person you can feel completely comfortable with sitting in silence, I think of one person. And usually one person only. Maybe because he was the first person that I ever experienced this with...in fact I distinctly remember writing a post in this blog years ago about that feeling...I'll go back and look for it, just for nostalgia sake after this. But also funny thing is, I haven't spoken to this person in months, probably years. Actually, year probably years since we've seen each other and actually had a conversation. *Side note, I really do want to get better at keeping up with communication with people. I find days go by before I can respond to people or just reach out to people, if I ever do. I wonder how many relationships I've let falter because of my lack of communication. Though of course, its a two way street, but whatever. There's a lot to work through in those last few sentences anyway. Also I always do this, have some wine, or alcohol and thoughts just start spilling out of me that I need to share. I've thought about these past few weeks that I needed to revisit my physical journal, look at my last entry and try to write something to wrap up my 2016 because, knowing me, i haven't written in my physical journal for some time too. And I feel like I need to be better at that too. To write my feelings down, or express them. Besides the fact of going to therapy. Which is the more expensive option. lol. ANYWAY, back to what I started this post about. Or thought I started this post about.

Feeling comfortable in silence. Hm. The person I felt this with. Probably 75% of this blog is about this person. Which, is interesting. To say the least. It's him and then my mother. And some other sprinklings of other people. I wonder what that means. If it means anything. Could it? Probably. Maybe. Anyway, this post also just help me not to act on the desire to text, said person, and say i kinda missed them. I missed the conversations I had with him and the comfort I felt. The communication we had was so easy, well easy. Things were complicated sometimes, as past posts can show, but still, when feeling nostalgic, you remember the good times. lol So. yea. there's that. Who knows maybe more thoughts will come in my mind, and this won't be my only post tonight.

Update/no clue

So it's funny, just reading up on the last post I wrote. I wrote that about the college "love"/best friend, and just last week (?) or so, he calls me up to hang out and confesses basically he wants to be with me and how there's always been something between us and we should just give in. I wasn't sure how I felt about it then and even now. Though actually maybe I do...which is I just don't anymore. I don't care to try. I don't feel the same way as I did in the past. I don't think those feelings are there anymore and I definitely don't want to ruin what little of a friendship we have been rebuilding for the past few years. Maybe also I'm still figuring everything out in my own life and my own terms.

I wasn't even planning to write a post today, in fact, I only came to this blog to look at the old songs I use to identify with and remember those past times, and then I started to read the last post I wrote and thought about those thoughts said above. Which led me down this past. But I was also just thinking just yesterday how I only write in this post, (mostly) and my actual physical diary when there is something wrong or if i need to vent something out or confess a secret perhaps. But 95% of the time, I'm writing about negative moments...and I thought why is that? Well of course I know, hard times are usually the easier ones to write about and express your feelings about because sometimes those feelings are more intense, also you remember those more vividly. Except, shouldn't you also try to live and remember the happy moments too? More so the negative ones? I mean, yes, totally, but do we ever? No, I guess not. I want to say I'll give it a try, but knowing me? Probably not. I mean I can hope and I will try to aspire to that. However, I guess recently, with everything that's going on, or really, lack thereof (aka not having a job/not looking for a job/not having a plan/not knowing where my life is going) I am just not feeling like myself. Though I don't even know who I am anymore to be honest. I haven't felt...me in a very long time. Maybe chalk it up to what has happen these last few months but I just feel like I'm going through the motions and not really taking anything in or being affected by anything. I mean I am, but not really you know? I  don't know. I guess this whole, me trying to figure out who I actually am and what I actually want is taking its toll on me and my whole atmosphere/brain head space. I mean, there is so much I want to do and like you know, make this time "off" worth my while. I thought about learning to cook, exercising, joining a bowling league, i don't know anything. And I know I just need to get off my butt and start doing these things...but I just don't. I guess, well no, I know, I'm just a fucking creature of habit and I stay in my routine of waking up and opening my laptop and just fucking around for the whole day and I just can't break the cycle. And maybe i just don't want to? I don't know. But I'm done writing right now.

It Kinda Sucks...

It kinda sucks when the person you thought knew you the best just a few short years ago, doesn't really know you anymore. Time and distance unfortunately caused a drift and maybe we just lost that connection we once had. It's like we're almost strangers now and you can't hear my voice when I text you. Or understand what I'm really trying to convey. Before I could send you one simple word and you would know exactly how I meant it. And now...it's like I'm talking to a stranger. And it's really sad. I don't feel like there's anyone in my corner anymore. I don't feel like there's anyone that truly knows the real me.