I don't know if it's because I may be pmsing or a combination of that with a bad day of work, end of the semester shit piling up and/or financial issues but I honestly felt like I was on the verge of having a panic or anxiety attack. I felt/feel my skin buzzing, I couldn't/wouldn't let myself think of a singular thought for too long. My mind felt eerily calm/clear yet also racing. I felt/feel like I'm battling within myself on letting go and having a full fledge panic attack and trying to calm myself down or not let myself think about any stressors and repress the shit out of it like I fucking normally do. In fact in order to fucking distract myself yet not totally lose it I decided to watch epically sad clips of Lea Michele talking about losing Cory and clips of the glee tribute episode and cried it out. I mean it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around him passing but...this isn't what I was thinking about two hours ago or what this is all even about. Again this is/was my way of fucking distracting myself and letting myself feel/express these emotions or to cry it out yet not do it because I was actually thinking of my situation or stressors...I was thinking about something and someone else's pain.
It's so hard for me to focus on my stressors without feeling so totally overwhelmed which I think is what happened to me earlier. I was thinking of *little* things I need to finish as this semester ends, i.e. a paper and studying for a final but then that also leads into I have one more semester left. I have one more semester left until I have my masters and is "suppose" to have my life fucking figured out. I'm suppose to finally get a real life job and start doing what I've spent the last 7 years of my life studying. And that is fucking...scary. I feel myself start to hyperventilate a little bit just writing it and semi thinking about it at this very moment. I can't allow myself to think about it fully because...I think I would just lose it. I don't know how I would handle it. I don't feel prepared. I feel like I would completely fall apart and just keep falling. I imagine just a deep, deep black hole and me completely free falling into a dark abyss of nothing. No control. No idea what's going to happen next. And I feel like throwing up as I write that and kinda picture that. I can't breathe. I'm having trouble.
Then I think about how I'm gonna survive. How am I going to pay for this, for that? I think about how I should have saved better. I shouldn't have lived my life so frivolously. But then think, I haven't really. I feel like I haven't really lived. I haven't experienced anything really. I've spent the better part of these past 7 years with my head down and following a routine. I'm no longer gonna have that. I don't see my next steps and that is so so so frightening for me. Again I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle it. I'm not handling it right now thats for damn sure. I keep putting things off. Avoid, repress. That is and has been my mantra. But it can't anymore or else I am for surely going to fail. I can't fail.
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if my life would just stop. End. I wouldn't have to deal with what comes next. This would just be my final chapter. I wouldn't necessarily have to work and by work I mean just deal with what comes next because I don't think I can, which I equate to hard fucking work.
I just don't know.
This felt like a day I need to call an emergency or just any friend I could truly talk to about this. Then I realized...I can't. I can't really pinpoint who I could go to with this. There in laid a whole bunch of issues and stressors as well and basically a reminder to myself how truly alone I do feel. There wasn't anyone I could really call. There wasn't anyone I could really talk to or kinda entrust would make me feel better. Not that, that should be their responsibility but it would be kinda nice, right? I thought about the various ppl in my life and...kinda just nothing. I mean I think they would all listen for the most part...but that's if I let them. Is there someone in my life where I would really let my entire guard down and let them know the inner workings of my dark mind and see all my twists and turns in thoughts? Would I let someone know how low my self-esteem is or just how weak I could be? I don't know. I don't think so. So what's the point. I guess...there might not be? I don't know. I really just don't know anymore. I couldn't even go on tumblr and just start scrolling through my dashboard cause I felt...guilty or like I just couldn't do it. I felt like I should deal with my emotions/stressors on one hand but on the other I just...didn't know how or couldn't do it.
I'm shutting myself off now...again...I have no more thoughts. All I keep thinking is I don't know. And I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself once I end this blog and post it...
I tried making a list of what I need to get done...which, after writing it didn't make me feel completely overwhelmed but still. Still what, I don't know. I didn't do any thing. I tried crossing some things off my list but it just didn't happen. So I'll have to wait till tomorrow...and I afraid I'll start to feel panic again and I'm gonna have to go through this whole thing again. I really don't want that to happen. So then there's the fear that I'll avoid doing anything to avoid this fear/panic. I really am a piece of work.
Yea....it's becoming to be a really...really bad, emotional day for me.
