I guess I have to be reminded sometimes. That friendships can come and go and that, you shouldn't be friends with people who aren't good for you. Honestly. You can be "close" friends with someone for 2+ years and then...not.
I hate the way I started this blog but. My point is...why do I should/need to stay in a friendship with someone who makes me feel like shit? Who I feel constantly disregards whatever I say, disvalues whatever I say and just makes condescending comments to me almost every time I open my mouth? Why do I have to put up with that? Why should I.
Maybe tonight is just the final nail in the coffin or has made me open my eyes further on how badly I'm being treated. A GNO isn't suppose to make me feel like shit and feel like I might as well be invisible...that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut because whatever I said, didn't matter. It was 'safer' for me to keep my mouth shut, because if i didn't say anything, my friend couldn't make a comment towards me that was condescending. --This could also be my perception, I mean that's a possibility. I could ask my other friend who is part of this trifecta, but she doesn't like confrontation. Also, there is a slight fear that she hasn't noticed it and doesn't think anything of it, and perhaps I'm making this a bigger deal than it is. However, if it is making me feel like shit? I think that is a legitimate reason. I can't be making this up completely! There has to be something. Maybe it's a guilty conscious cause I said to my friend I hated her girlfriend but I really, really, don't think thats it. Though maybe that's why my friend is acting this way towards me. She is just being passive aggressive with condescending undertones.
I mean, I have always felt a slight twinge around her that she thought she was better than me, in some ways. I always felt so inferior to her and which I think gave her more power to make me feel like that. But, again, maybe tonight was just the final nail in the coffin to fully make me realize that this is actually happening, whether she realizes it or not. I mean speaking from observing our body language, she never faced me when we were waiting for our table. During dinner she hardly spoke to me or had eye contact with me. It was always to our other friend. Which I have no doubt they're closer, or at least were. Who knows now. But I also feel like my friend has to say things to make herself feel special or difference, because it will somehow give her more value? In some ways? Like she has to mention how difficult things will be for her since she is gay. Which, yes. Valid, valid point. I get it, I understand it, TRULY. But she makes it seem like no one in the world could possibly understand that and I get it, she thinks no one in group of friends can, but she doesn't know that for sure. I think what also makes me mad is that she makes it seem like she knows me better than I know myself, which is crazy! It's like she always has to be the best or different, constantly. If i try to say something, even remotely challenging her or arguing with her, I get shot down because I don't know better, because 'she has experienced it.' She has experienced everything but we would never know because she doesn't tell us about it, until the moment she wants to share to prove a point. Or to showcase how wrong I am. It's not like I can even fucking argue, there's no point because she will always find some winning argument. Even when she was saying her cousin got into West Point, which was a Navy school, being so sure about this, and how he got a full ride on a soccer scholarship, almost boastful, which when I stated West Point was Army and of course she did not believe me right away, however when I stated for sure, she stated 'oh well' and brushed the knowledge under the table saying she doesn't know about that shit anyway. It was just little shit like that, that took me over the edge today.
I don't want to be around someone that makes me feel less-confident and good about myself. That isn't what a friend should do, or what a friendship should entail. I guess this is just something I have to remind myself though and somewhat get over my fear of being alone/lonely. If I start to distance myself from this particular friendship, I may be blacklisting myself or unintentionally distancing myself from my other friends, whom I still want to be around and who do not make me feel like shit. So I'm somewhat stuck. And I'm just too tired to continue to talk about this anymore.
