Pride

It's been a few June's now. But every year, for the past, 3? maybe 4 years now, pride comes along and the many celebrations associated with it. And each year, I think, how bad I want to go to these events but I can't. Or don't. More so the second one, but the can't is highly influential and feels more true than the don't. But nevertheless, I often find myself home, thinking, wondering, looking at the various social media posts from pride events, thinking how i wish i could be there, or wondering how it would feel to be there. But I can't. Because I'm not...'out' yet. Or ever. Or if there's a need to come out. Maybe I'm just confused or because I've been exposed to more homosexual content in the last few years and how accepting and open some people in the world are. Or maybe the somewhat vast majority. A lot more than when I was growing up. But after going most of my childhood and influential learning years as gay people were bad and it is wrong, even though i never really felt like that, its hard to let go of what was instilled in your brain. Also to make yourself not feel like you're wrong or bad. 

While the rest of the world may be growing more open and accepting, in my immediate, immediate world, it's not. I have the fear that if i came out, everything would change. And truth be told, some things absolutely would, I know this. Probably some for the better, since I wouldn't be living in this constant turmoil and internal struggle within myself, hiding myself from others, filtering my thoughts. But also, how people see me may change. Would I look different in their eyes? Would my "sexuality" /change from being always considered straight, cause them to see me different? Or would that explain some things to them about me, without real rhyme or reason just because my sexuality "changed." I mean, I still feel like me, minus the struggle to 'come out' or not. I feel more open if anything. And isn't that a good thing? Guess the problem is, not everyone is readily able to except that. You can be as open as you want, but if people can't receive that, then what's the point? Are you just living in your singular world of openness while everyone is in the shadows? Stuck there, because their happier there. They rather be stuck in the dark then more forward to the light. It's safer. Known. Comfortable. 

Maybe if I went to pride and see the overwhelming amount of support, or people who felt comfortable and proud of who they are, it would help me and give me the confidence. It could be eye opening and a great experience. I mean, hell I just went to firefly music festival last weekend and being surrounded by so many people for a music festival can be overwhelming, but in those 4 days, I only had one negative experience. Everyone there was so welcoming and free, and easy going. Everyone was pretty much so nice to each other. There wasn't really any pushing, shoving, getting to the front. Which was a change of pace from what I'm use to going to concerts. Perhaps because it was a music festival? Or out in Delaware. Whatever. Who knows. But, what I do know is. Every year, with this year not being any different. I'm home. Not at the parade. But wishing I was, but being unable to feel like I can. Or worthy. I also have the fear I'd be seen to be like a fraud, since I wasn't/am not, fully out yet. Which I know is somewhat of an irrational fear, because i can just as easily be taken as an ally if I went. But I just feel like I wouldn't be comfortable. If i'm not truly comfortable with myself yet, how can I be around people celebrating the fact that they are? They got over the hump, while i'm....still whole heartedly in it. Help.  

Well, here's this thought. (s)

Wow. It's been two years since my last post. We're gonna forget that for a second, and just let me write what i need to get out at the moment. (aka that was always the purpose of this blog)

Every time I read/hear a quote about finding that one person you can feel completely comfortable with sitting in silence, I think of one person. And usually one person only. Maybe because he was the first person that I ever experienced this with...in fact I distinctly remember writing a post in this blog years ago about that feeling...I'll go back and look for it, just for nostalgia sake after this. But also funny thing is, I haven't spoken to this person in months, probably years. Actually, year probably years since we've seen each other and actually had a conversation. *Side note, I really do want to get better at keeping up with communication with people. I find days go by before I can respond to people or just reach out to people, if I ever do. I wonder how many relationships I've let falter because of my lack of communication. Though of course, its a two way street, but whatever. There's a lot to work through in those last few sentences anyway. Also I always do this, have some wine, or alcohol and thoughts just start spilling out of me that I need to share. I've thought about these past few weeks that I needed to revisit my physical journal, look at my last entry and try to write something to wrap up my 2016 because, knowing me, i haven't written in my physical journal for some time too. And I feel like I need to be better at that too. To write my feelings down, or express them. Besides the fact of going to therapy. Which is the more expensive option. lol. ANYWAY, back to what I started this post about. Or thought I started this post about.

Feeling comfortable in silence. Hm. The person I felt this with. Probably 75% of this blog is about this person. Which, is interesting. To say the least. It's him and then my mother. And some other sprinklings of other people. I wonder what that means. If it means anything. Could it? Probably. Maybe. Anyway, this post also just help me not to act on the desire to text, said person, and say i kinda missed them. I missed the conversations I had with him and the comfort I felt. The communication we had was so easy, well easy. Things were complicated sometimes, as past posts can show, but still, when feeling nostalgic, you remember the good times. lol So. yea. there's that. Who knows maybe more thoughts will come in my mind, and this won't be my only post tonight.