Two opposite worlds

    It’s been a while since I’ve been left shaken after a conversation, today resets that bar. And I’m so conflicted. I’m torn and want to take a break. Take a break from social media, from tumblr,  from all the news articles but then i’m worried. Will that make my/the problem percolate more. I’m so upset. So upset after having, or my attempt at having a conversation at the dinner table about current events, specifically the protests and the racism, but that got shut down really quick by my ever so hot tempered father that i've known my entire life. This last week has made me, and I'm sure a lot of people, really examine their own bias, privilege, and internal or external racism. I've known my parents, like a lot of old school Asian parents, or old school parents period are having to open their eyes and learn more and more about the ever changing world, but then again at the same time, not. They are getting confronted about their old school values and morals and don't understand the world that my generation is seeing today. I've known who my parents are. This is why I am still terrified of coming out to them and believe they won't accept me for who I am. I've always felt like the old man out in my family, and my attempts of having a conversation about racism and getting my father to see a different side from his stance at the dinner table only highlights this feeling more. 

    I left the table in tears and shaking, realizing more so than I ever have, that I have a racist father. And how he wasn't willing or really able to have a conversation with his daughter. A conversation where I did not raise my voice, nor try to convince him to change his opinion but just listen. Listen to a different point of view. But that didn't happen. Instead I was faced with my father who became increasingly angry, spouting racist comments he could not recognize. I was left speechless and upset. And shaking. 

And as I attempted to cope, I opened my phone onto instagram and tumblr where my timeline has been COVERED with coverage about black lives matter and the injustices of the world minorities, especially the black community. I've said this before, but the realization of how I've generated and cultivated my timelines/dashboard of those respected social media platforms reminded me how I follow the right people. People who are aligned with the same morality as myself. This reminded me how different my virtual world is from my real world. And by real world, I mean my parents, my boss, people I interact with in the "real" world. And it's highly disappointing on one end but comforting on the other knowing there are people out there who believe in the same rights as I do. Who are open. 

    It's a strange dichotomy but one I am not a stranger to. At this point, it seems like my entire life. Only I wish it would stop and I would not longer have to live in two opposite worlds.