Two opposite worlds

    It’s been a while since I’ve been left shaken after a conversation, today resets that bar. And I’m so conflicted. I’m torn and want to take a break. Take a break from social media, from tumblr,  from all the news articles but then i’m worried. Will that make my/the problem percolate more. I’m so upset. So upset after having, or my attempt at having a conversation at the dinner table about current events, specifically the protests and the racism, but that got shut down really quick by my ever so hot tempered father that i've known my entire life. This last week has made me, and I'm sure a lot of people, really examine their own bias, privilege, and internal or external racism. I've known my parents, like a lot of old school Asian parents, or old school parents period are having to open their eyes and learn more and more about the ever changing world, but then again at the same time, not. They are getting confronted about their old school values and morals and don't understand the world that my generation is seeing today. I've known who my parents are. This is why I am still terrified of coming out to them and believe they won't accept me for who I am. I've always felt like the old man out in my family, and my attempts of having a conversation about racism and getting my father to see a different side from his stance at the dinner table only highlights this feeling more. 

    I left the table in tears and shaking, realizing more so than I ever have, that I have a racist father. And how he wasn't willing or really able to have a conversation with his daughter. A conversation where I did not raise my voice, nor try to convince him to change his opinion but just listen. Listen to a different point of view. But that didn't happen. Instead I was faced with my father who became increasingly angry, spouting racist comments he could not recognize. I was left speechless and upset. And shaking. 

And as I attempted to cope, I opened my phone onto instagram and tumblr where my timeline has been COVERED with coverage about black lives matter and the injustices of the world minorities, especially the black community. I've said this before, but the realization of how I've generated and cultivated my timelines/dashboard of those respected social media platforms reminded me how I follow the right people. People who are aligned with the same morality as myself. This reminded me how different my virtual world is from my real world. And by real world, I mean my parents, my boss, people I interact with in the "real" world. And it's highly disappointing on one end but comforting on the other knowing there are people out there who believe in the same rights as I do. Who are open. 

    It's a strange dichotomy but one I am not a stranger to. At this point, it seems like my entire life. Only I wish it would stop and I would not longer have to live in two opposite worlds. 

continue from physical journal

I thought i'd continue here after writing in my physical journal for 2 reasons. both related to each other but 1. i'm getting old as fuck and can't write as tiny as i use to with the small lines in my journal. I need to get a big notebook, or regular size one for my journals - also i guess I don't really have that much of a need now to write as much as i would have to when i was younger, in school, or college/grad taking notes nd shit, but even actually thinking about it, in grad school and college i started using my laptop to type. oh fun times, past mems. i wish i can go back to school. i missed it and loved it. anyway 2nd point - with my inability to write neat in those tiny lines my words are sometimes 40% illegible so at least on this, i can definitely read all my words. I just hope this will live forever or that I will always have access to it when I feel the need to go down memory lane. Like I did tonight. or if ever want to share the post to someone, they can read it plain and simple.

But more importantly, what started it all tonight was that I wanted to go down memory lane and figure out "exactly" how long i've been struggling or questioning my sexuality/wanting to go to pride. Since it is the start of pride month and I've been feeling the love today. Maybe bc I follow a lot of queer ppl and queer content on my various social media blogs, (cause world is still pretty hateful - which is sad to realize - stupid uswnt article comments of ignorant ppl - thankfully i live in NY which is better than middle america or maybe asian, idk. all i've known is here so.) but it's the start of pride month and again as I think I've felt for the past few years that longing for wanting to be part of the events, go out to the festivals or events planned. But i dont. because i'm not "out" and I would feel like a fraud. even though i dont think maybe ppl would make me to feel that way, probably just happy to see more ppl maybe, but I still feel like I would be a fraud, because I'm not out. Though...maybe I'm not. because everyone's been through these struggles. maybe not everyone, but majority. Idk, maybe i'd find my community or feel like a sense of community. I mean, I have been more open/getting more open in the past years. I recently told another one of my friends about my feelings and being open about liking girls. So there's that. I also just purchased pride socks to wear. And will hopefully be getting the wild feminist pride shirt soon. Though even with that I think, will i really wear it? I mean I want to wear all these things but if i do, is that me coming out? Or will ppl think I'm just an ally? Hopefully the latter? until I come out? but maybe not. Probably not. but I don't know. One of the lessons i learned from Wilson, ppl don't give this as much thought as i am. because i'm putting everything through a scared filter. But i do feel myself becoming more accepting of myself. or, maybe i'm past that actually but just willing to share it with other ppl and just having that dialogue. As always I'm thinking in my head, just come out to my friend diane and jackie. Tell them the truth and be completely and 100% honest. because you've tainted it with others. You've, I've been needing to have an outlet where I can speak to my friends 100% honestly about these feelings so why would I lie, that would just make it harder for me again. Just thoughts. I'm sure if i do ever act on these feelings I'll write about them. Either here or physical journal. I'll make myself.

just an update, small tidbit

These past few days I can feel myself shutting down again, or closing myself off. Or feel myself getting close to that again. I'm realizing how small my inner circle is and maybe I need to expand it. Or that I hold a lot of stuff in, or just don't feel comfortable yet telling everyone anything. It's hard and challenging and I don't even think I'm making sense right now, but as always i'm just gonna write it all out and see what happens. Only this time, I'm not drunk, angry, or panic-y. Just...feeling. After girl's night out dinner two days ago with friends, or even just at the dinner I remember thinking how much I didn't care for the conversations we were having. This might have to do with me being fairly tipsy upon getting to dinner. Or just, I don't know. I was having drinks with another friend (c) beforehand, someone I've had a slight history with - (went on a few dates with - he liked me, i didn't really have feelings for him, probably because i'm gay and/or bi and/or just not feeling chemistry with him - or find him that attractive anymore) ANYWAY we're able to have great conversations when we're together and was having fun talking to him. Maybe bc I know he maybe still likes me, so he's attentive and really wants to get to know me? or that's just what I think. Anyway, I just remember, or think back now, and at the time of the dinner how we were able to have a great conversation. I wanted to know more about him, it was easy and carefree. Then cut to the gno dinner and I wasn't. It wasn't fun, easy or carefree. It was annoying and I almost didn't even want to be there. I was also asked why I was so secretive still, or hold back or don't share which led me into a passionate talk or what I thought was a passionate talk in hindsight, how I can be an open book (even though, I know, I know I'm not because I'm not open to my friends, or all my friends about my sexuality) but I have changed, I think. I'm not so closed off as I use to be and open about relationships but it's just been awhile. It easier, safer to admit that then to admit I'm lonely or yea, of course I wish i was with someone but I'm also conflicted by a lot of things. So yea, that's not something I'm open about, which then makes me not so open about all the subjects revolving that. But I said I was open, or that anyone can ask all the questions you want to me, but also understand the right to refuse to answer any questions I'm not comfortable asking. I hope that message got across to them in that way to just respect me, but I'm not so sure it did. My other friend did mentioned I how function or open better or do better in individual settings...which is true I guess...though part of me is angered/annoyed she said that. Because I feel like she is trying to say she knows me better than I know myself. Which...I don't need. I don't need the extra commentary. but Whatever, I digress. Anyway, I just felt like, I didn't want to share anything during dinner or talk to them about anything because I didn't see the point. I don't think they would understand me. Or they maybe weren't also in the right place to hear me. I don't know. But this is how I felt. Also, finding out that my best guy friend (one who I would arguably say I'm the closest to, or thought I was closest too until he had a female roommate move in- who leading into - I found out that they are now sorta dating? I mean I knew it could be a possibility even though he said probably not. But that was a few months ago. I was thinking about this last night about why I was so hurt by this, and i think it's just really, I wish he would have told me? I thought we were close enough for him to talk to me about this. I mean, he doesn't owe me anything, we've never dated, but just as friends. I don't know. I felt like, which doesn't mean it's equal or again, that he owes me this, but I came out to him and have spoken to him at certain lengths about my sexuality, dating woes and everything. I'd think he would feel the same way with me, like he could talk to me about this stuff. But he didn't. And that hurts. Like i'm the last to know. And i even asked him about it a few weeks ago, gave him the opportunity to talk about it with me. and nothing. So maybe that is also influencing me right now on why I feel myself shutting off again or not wanting to share anything to those who I thought were closest to me. My two "best" friends have significant others and/or busy with their life. As I have been, but...i guess, they have someone to speak to still, or gained that. While I've just lost, and not gain anything. Normally I'd talk to my friend all the time and feel comfortable saying all my anxieties or having a conversation, but i know she's busy with work so I don't. We also don't talk that often anymore anyway since she's busy with work as I know, but also...she has multiple friends and a boyfriend who they're progressing...moving in together. Idk. I guess it ultimately is, I'm feeling lonely. Like I just don't have anyone to talk to. Which makes me want to close in, and shut in more. Even from those around me. bc I feel they're abandoning me? - i don't think i feel that way but it came into my mind, and i think i just needed to type it out/get it out. No one is abandoning me. I know this. but sometime it just feels like I'm on the lower rung. Or I'm not on a rung because friendship doesn't need a rung but...idk. Maybe i'm just assumed to be able to handle my shit and I dont need to unload on other's. That's not in their description nor can I expect them to be at my beck and call to make me feel better at this time because...they're not my significant other or because they have their own lives. MAybe, i mean i know, i need to expand my circle.

Pride

It's been a few June's now. But every year, for the past, 3? maybe 4 years now, pride comes along and the many celebrations associated with it. And each year, I think, how bad I want to go to these events but I can't. Or don't. More so the second one, but the can't is highly influential and feels more true than the don't. But nevertheless, I often find myself home, thinking, wondering, looking at the various social media posts from pride events, thinking how i wish i could be there, or wondering how it would feel to be there. But I can't. Because I'm not...'out' yet. Or ever. Or if there's a need to come out. Maybe I'm just confused or because I've been exposed to more homosexual content in the last few years and how accepting and open some people in the world are. Or maybe the somewhat vast majority. A lot more than when I was growing up. But after going most of my childhood and influential learning years as gay people were bad and it is wrong, even though i never really felt like that, its hard to let go of what was instilled in your brain. Also to make yourself not feel like you're wrong or bad. 

While the rest of the world may be growing more open and accepting, in my immediate, immediate world, it's not. I have the fear that if i came out, everything would change. And truth be told, some things absolutely would, I know this. Probably some for the better, since I wouldn't be living in this constant turmoil and internal struggle within myself, hiding myself from others, filtering my thoughts. But also, how people see me may change. Would I look different in their eyes? Would my "sexuality" /change from being always considered straight, cause them to see me different? Or would that explain some things to them about me, without real rhyme or reason just because my sexuality "changed." I mean, I still feel like me, minus the struggle to 'come out' or not. I feel more open if anything. And isn't that a good thing? Guess the problem is, not everyone is readily able to except that. You can be as open as you want, but if people can't receive that, then what's the point? Are you just living in your singular world of openness while everyone is in the shadows? Stuck there, because their happier there. They rather be stuck in the dark then more forward to the light. It's safer. Known. Comfortable. 

Maybe if I went to pride and see the overwhelming amount of support, or people who felt comfortable and proud of who they are, it would help me and give me the confidence. It could be eye opening and a great experience. I mean, hell I just went to firefly music festival last weekend and being surrounded by so many people for a music festival can be overwhelming, but in those 4 days, I only had one negative experience. Everyone there was so welcoming and free, and easy going. Everyone was pretty much so nice to each other. There wasn't really any pushing, shoving, getting to the front. Which was a change of pace from what I'm use to going to concerts. Perhaps because it was a music festival? Or out in Delaware. Whatever. Who knows. But, what I do know is. Every year, with this year not being any different. I'm home. Not at the parade. But wishing I was, but being unable to feel like I can. Or worthy. I also have the fear I'd be seen to be like a fraud, since I wasn't/am not, fully out yet. Which I know is somewhat of an irrational fear, because i can just as easily be taken as an ally if I went. But I just feel like I wouldn't be comfortable. If i'm not truly comfortable with myself yet, how can I be around people celebrating the fact that they are? They got over the hump, while i'm....still whole heartedly in it. Help.  

Well, here's this thought. (s)

Wow. It's been two years since my last post. We're gonna forget that for a second, and just let me write what i need to get out at the moment. (aka that was always the purpose of this blog)

Every time I read/hear a quote about finding that one person you can feel completely comfortable with sitting in silence, I think of one person. And usually one person only. Maybe because he was the first person that I ever experienced this with...in fact I distinctly remember writing a post in this blog years ago about that feeling...I'll go back and look for it, just for nostalgia sake after this. But also funny thing is, I haven't spoken to this person in months, probably years. Actually, year probably years since we've seen each other and actually had a conversation. *Side note, I really do want to get better at keeping up with communication with people. I find days go by before I can respond to people or just reach out to people, if I ever do. I wonder how many relationships I've let falter because of my lack of communication. Though of course, its a two way street, but whatever. There's a lot to work through in those last few sentences anyway. Also I always do this, have some wine, or alcohol and thoughts just start spilling out of me that I need to share. I've thought about these past few weeks that I needed to revisit my physical journal, look at my last entry and try to write something to wrap up my 2016 because, knowing me, i haven't written in my physical journal for some time too. And I feel like I need to be better at that too. To write my feelings down, or express them. Besides the fact of going to therapy. Which is the more expensive option. lol. ANYWAY, back to what I started this post about. Or thought I started this post about.

Feeling comfortable in silence. Hm. The person I felt this with. Probably 75% of this blog is about this person. Which, is interesting. To say the least. It's him and then my mother. And some other sprinklings of other people. I wonder what that means. If it means anything. Could it? Probably. Maybe. Anyway, this post also just help me not to act on the desire to text, said person, and say i kinda missed them. I missed the conversations I had with him and the comfort I felt. The communication we had was so easy, well easy. Things were complicated sometimes, as past posts can show, but still, when feeling nostalgic, you remember the good times. lol So. yea. there's that. Who knows maybe more thoughts will come in my mind, and this won't be my only post tonight.

Update/no clue

So it's funny, just reading up on the last post I wrote. I wrote that about the college "love"/best friend, and just last week (?) or so, he calls me up to hang out and confesses basically he wants to be with me and how there's always been something between us and we should just give in. I wasn't sure how I felt about it then and even now. Though actually maybe I do...which is I just don't anymore. I don't care to try. I don't feel the same way as I did in the past. I don't think those feelings are there anymore and I definitely don't want to ruin what little of a friendship we have been rebuilding for the past few years. Maybe also I'm still figuring everything out in my own life and my own terms.

I wasn't even planning to write a post today, in fact, I only came to this blog to look at the old songs I use to identify with and remember those past times, and then I started to read the last post I wrote and thought about those thoughts said above. Which led me down this past. But I was also just thinking just yesterday how I only write in this post, (mostly) and my actual physical diary when there is something wrong or if i need to vent something out or confess a secret perhaps. But 95% of the time, I'm writing about negative moments...and I thought why is that? Well of course I know, hard times are usually the easier ones to write about and express your feelings about because sometimes those feelings are more intense, also you remember those more vividly. Except, shouldn't you also try to live and remember the happy moments too? More so the negative ones? I mean, yes, totally, but do we ever? No, I guess not. I want to say I'll give it a try, but knowing me? Probably not. I mean I can hope and I will try to aspire to that. However, I guess recently, with everything that's going on, or really, lack thereof (aka not having a job/not looking for a job/not having a plan/not knowing where my life is going) I am just not feeling like myself. Though I don't even know who I am anymore to be honest. I haven't felt...me in a very long time. Maybe chalk it up to what has happen these last few months but I just feel like I'm going through the motions and not really taking anything in or being affected by anything. I mean I am, but not really you know? I  don't know. I guess this whole, me trying to figure out who I actually am and what I actually want is taking its toll on me and my whole atmosphere/brain head space. I mean, there is so much I want to do and like you know, make this time "off" worth my while. I thought about learning to cook, exercising, joining a bowling league, i don't know anything. And I know I just need to get off my butt and start doing these things...but I just don't. I guess, well no, I know, I'm just a fucking creature of habit and I stay in my routine of waking up and opening my laptop and just fucking around for the whole day and I just can't break the cycle. And maybe i just don't want to? I don't know. But I'm done writing right now.

It Kinda Sucks...

It kinda sucks when the person you thought knew you the best just a few short years ago, doesn't really know you anymore. Time and distance unfortunately caused a drift and maybe we just lost that connection we once had. It's like we're almost strangers now and you can't hear my voice when I text you. Or understand what I'm really trying to convey. Before I could send you one simple word and you would know exactly how I meant it. And now...it's like I'm talking to a stranger. And it's really sad. I don't feel like there's anyone in my corner anymore. I don't feel like there's anyone that truly knows the real me.

One more

When I was younger, I remember thinking about dying and killing myself. I think one of the first times I thought about it, I remember holding onto a thought, a thought that I just had to finish the Btvs series. I was holding on to May 20, 2003. That was my thought that was holding me on. I just had to live on, I had to see that end of the series. Looking back on that now, that was 11 years ago. I was 13. I was 13 years old, thinking I wanted to end my life. I'm 24 and still thinking about it. Obviously I made it through, I made it to my current age. But still, these thoughts entered my mind then. And now. I don't know how much that says about me but I think, i mean, it's just crazy to think about. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. That for the past 11 years, I've gone on through my life, but I've had these thoughts before. Granted, I'm a bit older now, lived through more life. Yet, those thoughts are still ever present, maybe more so now. Well, no, definitely more so now and now, unfortunately I'm smarted too. Smart to know better and not end my life, but also smart enough to know the ways where I can be successful. I don't know which is scarier.

I'm also trying to think of a thought now. A thought that will give me something to hold on a little longer. And...I can't. Not a good enough one to keep me holding on. But that's what I'm doing at the moment. Though it's not making me very happy or changing much. I'm just feeling basically hollow. Like I'm just a sheet in the wind or something. I'm a ghost moving through air. Going through the motions, basically. Until something happens.

Can't take it anymore

I don't know how much more I can take living in an environment where I'm not allowed to be myself or free. I can't express any sort of emotion and when I do, it isn't validated or even acknowledged. I'm so fucking tired of living in a place of hopelessness and knowing things won't/can't change. I'm so sick and tired of this and way too pissed off right now. And I can't even say anything because god forbid I'm mad or upset in this house. I can't express any fucking emotion...ever. Because then I'm an ungrateful, spoiled girl with a horrible attitude that I need to change. My tone of voice is constantly criticized. I'm ignored constantly and feel like I might as well be invisible. I'm losing hope that things will change and don't see the point in anything anymore. I can't even speak up about a simple fact that my mother threw out a lemon and lime juice in our refrigerator. I can't be mad at this. I'm going to be told I don't have a right to be mad at this. Even when though I bought the lime juice...it was never open and couldn't have possibly gone bad or taken up THAT much room in the fucking fridge. But if I say ANYTHING, even just to ask where/why was those things thrown out, EVEN IN THE MOST CALMEST FUCKING VOICE, i can only imagine what world war three fight that might fucking release.

You see, i'm not allowed to say anything. Everything I say, everything I do gets twisted into some sort of negative notion and idea by my mother. I asked her how her day was once and got a disgusted look from her and barely an answer. If I asked, what was making her so mad or why did she look/sound that way, my god, the world might as well have exploded because it would have been twisted into why I was asking that question and why MY tone of voice was off. The last big fucking fight my mother and I had started because I didn't flush the toilet! I DIDN'T FLUSH THE TOILET. Of course, that may be gross to some people, but if you live in a house ALL your life and its been an unspoken rule, no one flushes when someone just pees but then the fucking mother of the house decides to change the rules in the past year that we must flush now everytime, I'M SORRY IF I FORGOT. You know it may be a little bit of a HARD FUCKING HABIT TO BREAK  IF I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS. Like fuck this. And the fight we had this time? Was because I changed my mind and decided to eat without waiting for my brother to come home from work. And because my mother ONCE AGAIN misinterpreted my words/tone of voice to think I, I WAS PISSED OFF. And even when I SAID, OUTLOUD, very clearly I WAS NOT MAD. Nope, no I was mad because my mother, MY MOTHER, said I was. She knew I was, because of course she's in my fucking brain. She know's how I think. She's not in my head! She is NOT ME yet she some how thinks she has the right to tell me, ME how I FEEL. How is that even right? How is that correct? How does she not see that, that is NOT OKAY? She keeps putting words in my mouth. She can't see past her own thoughts of what she thinks I may be thinking and it is *infuriating*. I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings because my mother feels that she has the right to govern over them. She says I need to change. I have to change my attitude and way of life. Why just me? Sure I'll change...I fucking have changed. I'm no longer a teenage girl. I'm not 13 years old anymore. Give me some goddamn credit that I've learned my ways and I'm a bit smarter as a 24 year old. But does that even matter? If I do, by some odd means, change into the way my mother wants...would it even matter? How would she know I changed? In what ways does she want me to change and how would she notice a difference?

I tried talking to her yesterday. I tried diffusing the situation and not getting mad, tried talking to her calmly and quietly and did that work? No of course not. It only mad situations worst. As always her solution was, we just shouldn't talk to each other anymore. Which is what we've been doing for the past fucking, god knows, how many years. I could tell she was upset by this and I told her I was upset by this. I didn't want our relationship to be like this. I don't want to have my relationship with my mother be one where we couldn't even talk to each other. So I tried to fix it. I tried to see what we could do. -That is me changing! That is me growing! I'm trying to fix this. But did it work? No. Of course not. Why would it? Why would anything? What is the point anymore? I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find a point. Living in a place where all I feel is hopelessness and invisible is taking its toll. I don't want to continue living when I see no point. It would make things so much easier if I was gone. I wanted to kill myself so bad yesterday. I kept thinking of drowning myself in pills and alcohol. If I went to bed, I didn't want to get up. I was scared of hurting myself and scared of what I might do. If I was going to attempt something, I wanted to make sure I was goddamn successful. I told my brother, living like this was killing me. Constantly biting my tongue, not saying how I feel, for fear I would upset my mother, not being allowed to be mad or angry at anything. I can't do it anymore. I was in and still am in complete pain. I feel just utter despair and I want it to end. I was fucking hyperventilating yesterday from crying and being upset and did that make a difference? No of course not. My mother got mad at me because I was still upset and again putting words into my mouth that I was blaming her. When really I was just upset about the overall situation. At that moment, I wasn't blaming her, but does it matter? No. Once again, of course not. Did my hyperventilating make my brother blink an eye? Nope not really...I just felt, once again, alone. And that my feelings weren't being considered as real.  No one is seeing how really, truly hurt I am by all of this. Bo one is understanding that I didn't mean to cause another fight. Not that I think I caused it, but I'm the only one to blame. My brother and father expect this action from my mother and me and expect me, me to be the bigger person and keep my mouth shut. They say, 'you know how she is' so why do I do the things I do? Maybe because if I keep continuing I might as well be dead. I'm not living like this. In a constant state of being quiet, ignored, silently suffering in pain. What kind of life is that? These aren't the thoughts I want to be thinking of. I don't want to think about ending my life. I don't want to be feeling like that is my only option or that is even a better option, especially not after losing Danny. Its still so hard to think about him, how he was taken way too soon. It's not fair. It's not fair he had to lose his life to cancer. It still hard to comprehend that he is really gone. That he's not gonna be at anymore family gatherings anymore, or when we go out to celebrate cousin birthdays..he won't be there. I still can't wrap my head around it. The pain his family must be feeling is unimaginable. And I'm still here also thinking about ending my life. I don't want to put my family through that either. but I can't figure out how to continue living right now, in this pain. I don't want to continue going on with my life, as my family expects me to and is doing themselves because I feel like they are just going to swept this fight up under the rug as another one of Mom and I's fights. But it is different this time. My mother choked me and wanted to kill me, she wanted me out of the house. The amount of hatred I saw in her eyes and felt was enough to solidify my thoughts and realize that there is something within her that makes her hate me so much. And this is something I'm never going to be able to change. She can't stand me. She doesn't like a part of me. So what do I do with that? How do I live with that? How do I continue living with this thought? How do I go on knowing that, there is some part of my mother that really hates me. She is so frustrated by me and doesn't believe I can change or that our relationship can be fixed so why should I try? I feel like my efforts would be fruitless. Why keep going on through the motions? Why do I keep living? I want them to realize how much pain I am in. I need them to take me seriously when I say I'm hurting and that this is really causing me pain. I cut myself goddamn it because of this. I want to die because of this. I feel like the only escape for me is dying. Yet, I think if I even do say this, for some reason, it still wouldn't matter. They still won't get it. I just need them to damn it, acknowledge me. It's hard going through life when you feel that you aren't valued or even acknowledged. And I don't know what to do anymore. or what would make me feel better.

I've cried too much in this past month than I ever want to in my life.

Friendships don't have to be forever

I guess I have to be reminded sometimes. That friendships can come and go and that, you shouldn't be friends with people who aren't good for you. Honestly. You can be "close" friends with someone for 2+ years and then...not. 

I hate the way I started this blog but. My point is...why do I should/need to stay in a friendship with someone who makes me feel like shit? Who I feel constantly disregards whatever I say, disvalues whatever I say and just makes condescending comments to me almost every time I open my mouth? Why do I have to put up with that? Why should I. 

Maybe tonight is just the final nail in the coffin or has made me open my eyes further on how badly I'm being treated. A GNO isn't suppose to make me feel like shit and feel like I might as well be invisible...that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut because whatever I said, didn't matter. It was 'safer' for me to keep my mouth shut, because if i didn't say anything, my friend couldn't make a comment towards me that was condescending. --This could also be my perception, I mean that's a possibility. I could ask my other friend who is part of this trifecta, but she doesn't like confrontation. Also, there is a slight fear that she hasn't noticed it and doesn't think anything of it, and perhaps I'm making this a bigger deal than it is. However, if it is making me feel like shit? I think that is a legitimate reason. I can't be making this up completely! There has to be something. Maybe it's a guilty conscious cause I said to my friend I hated her girlfriend but I really, really, don't think thats it. Though maybe that's why my friend is acting this way towards me. She is just being passive aggressive with condescending undertones. 

I mean, I have always felt a slight twinge around her that she thought she was better than me, in some ways. I always felt so inferior to her and which I think gave her more power to make me feel like that. But, again, maybe tonight was just the final nail in the coffin to fully make me realize that this is actually happening, whether she realizes it or not. I mean speaking from observing our body language, she never faced me when we were waiting for our table. During dinner she hardly spoke to me or had eye contact with me. It was always to our other friend. Which I have no doubt they're closer, or at least were. Who knows now.  But I also feel like my friend has to say things to make herself feel special or difference, because it will somehow give her more value? In some ways? Like she has to mention how difficult things will be for her since she is gay. Which, yes. Valid, valid point. I get it, I understand it, TRULY. But she makes it seem like no one in the world could possibly understand that and I get it, she thinks no one in group of friends can, but she doesn't know that for sure. I think what also makes me mad is that she makes it seem like she knows me better than I know myself, which is crazy! It's like she always has to be the best or different, constantly. If i try to say something, even remotely challenging her or arguing with her, I get shot down because I don't know better, because 'she has experienced it.' She has experienced everything but we would never know because she doesn't tell us about it, until the moment she wants to share to prove a point. Or to showcase how wrong I am. It's not like I can even fucking argue, there's no point because she will always find some winning argument. Even when she was saying her cousin got into West Point, which was a Navy school, being so sure about this, and how he got a full ride on a soccer scholarship, almost boastful, which when I stated West Point was Army and of course she did not believe me right away, however when I stated for sure, she stated 'oh well' and brushed the knowledge under the table saying she doesn't know about that shit anyway. It was just little shit like that, that took me over the edge today.

I don't want to be around someone that makes me feel less-confident and good about myself. That isn't what a friend should do, or what a friendship should entail. I guess this is just something I have to remind myself though and somewhat get over my fear of being alone/lonely. If I start to distance myself from this particular friendship, I may be blacklisting myself or unintentionally distancing myself from my other friends, whom I still want to be around and who do not make me feel like shit. So I'm somewhat stuck. And I'm just too tired to continue to talk about this anymore. 

short late night post

I should probably stop drinking...

...I'm afraid it's going to become a problem...

...and that is one of my top (5)? fears.

First of many probably about sexuality

I'm 24 years old. I still don't know who exactly I am. I'm still figuring myself out but, maybe...just maybe, i'm also starting to allow myself to really get to know myself. If that makes sense. Once again, like almost all my posts, especially my more recent ones, this is almost, if not all stream of consciousness and spurred/fueled by alcohol. Perhaps its the alcohol that allows my brain to not only get fuzzy but obviously it lowers my inhibition and allows me to be me. Uninhibited, free flowing thoughts, little to no defense mechanisms up me. 

Anyway, I was going through my naomily tag (look it up- because it's everything I want to keep) and I thought to myself, why, why does this fictional television couple cause me so many feels? Is it because they weren't necessarily identified as "gay" characters from the beginning? Or they simply just were two people who connected and fell in love, who happened to be the same sex. Disclaimer- I have not seen any episodes of Skins (UK) but I have watched what I think is, every Naomi and Emily scene there is, so I think I got the gist or enough to completely fall in love with this couple. ANYWAY. (getting more wine-break)

No but really. I look through my tag of this couple and it makes me think, *every time* and question my sexuality. Which...I have been doing a lot lately. I would say in the past year or so. I blame tumblr. 

No I don't, in fact I love tumblr. Yes it is a HUGE distraction but it's helping me slowly accept who I am and let me know on some levels that I'm not alone. But back to naomily-ish: (sorry for the jumping around - again all straight up stream of consciousness tonight)

Every time I re-watch scenes of this couple or see gifs/gif sets of them I think about how these two just love each other. They don't care about gender, they just connected, there was something just...there...and I...so desperately want to feel/have a connection like that. I don't care what gender. Now this has been a thought of mine for a while and I don't know if it's because of the overwhelming loneliness I feel...basically all the time, or if I'm really...gay? bisexual? Why put a label. I'm probably somewhere on the spectrum. 

I remember when I was little, I was a complete and utter tomboy till, i don't know, end of middle school? Was that a sign? I remember my failed relationships with boys. Is it because I was a lesbian? That is the first time I wrote that word in reference to myself and...it felt a bit shocking. I don't really know exactly where I am going with all of this but all I know is that I've just been kinda questioning everything and thinking if I've denied myself all my life of who I really am. I mean, god knows I repress the shit out of every memory so much that I might as well be a gold medalist if they had repression as an olympic category. I was never a homophobe by any means when I was younger but I kinda always shy'd/stayed away from the subject of lesbians. But then thinking about it now I wonder did I really stay away? Or was I curious but on some level just wanted to protect myself from this taboo idea that made me not think more about the subject. -If that makes sense? Like I thought to myself if I pay more attention or if I thought more about lesbians, I'd become one? I mean I was totally fine with gay men and lesbians for the most part but I just wouldn't think more about it, like I blocked myself. Was I just denying myself? Was I scared? I mean I think that was probably a given, given the world I grew up in and because times were different then. It's becoming more and more of a norm to see lesbian relationships which is great and I fully support it. 

But I also have this other thought of...is this a phase? Because I was, am, and probably always will be a "late-bloomer", is this my "college-experimental phase"? Probably? Maybe? But also maybe not. I don't know. That's why I don't want to categorize myself or attach a label but also still not totally comfortable saying anything...to anyone really. I mean there are probably hints here and there...but I'm still just trying to figure it all out. And when I don't know when I will have it all figured out. But also on the other hand I desperately wish I could confide in one of my friends because...this is just a really confusing time for me. I just want to feel like there's someone out there for me, to support me. 

All I know, I guess is that I am open to a relationship with anyone, anyone I have a connection to, who I feel like I could genuinely be myself with, I would love that. Regardless of gender. But also...maybe I do want to have a relationship with a female. Maybe that is why I have often found myself drawn to a female? Whether that be a classmate or just celebrities? That I'm fascinated/more obsessed with females? But then that also leads me to wonder, is this a phase/just me obsessing over something again? Because I have found that I do that. I get on this kick of like a new tv show or new celebrity I like and just go on this obsession-fest. So is this just me obsessing about lesbianism? Who the fuck knows now. But...i think if I really dug deep within myself, i don't think its me obsessing. 

This post is way too long, so i'm stopping.  

stream of consciousness/before panic attack

I don't know if it's because I may be pmsing or a combination of that with a bad day of work, end of the semester shit piling up and/or financial issues but I honestly felt like I was on the verge of having a panic or anxiety attack. I felt/feel my skin buzzing, I couldn't/wouldn't let myself think of a singular thought for too long. My mind felt eerily calm/clear yet also racing. I felt/feel like I'm battling within myself on letting go and having a full fledge panic attack and trying to calm myself down or not let myself think about any stressors and repress the shit out of it like I fucking normally do. In fact in order to fucking distract myself yet not totally lose it I decided to watch epically sad clips of Lea Michele talking about losing Cory and clips of the glee tribute episode and cried it out. I mean it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around him passing but...this isn't what I was thinking about two hours ago or what this is all even about. Again this is/was my way of fucking distracting myself and letting myself feel/express these emotions or to cry it out yet not do it because I was actually thinking of my situation or stressors...I was thinking about something and someone else's pain. 

It's so hard for me to focus on my stressors without feeling so totally overwhelmed which I think is what happened to me earlier. I was thinking of *little* things I need to finish as this semester ends, i.e. a paper and studying for a final but then that also leads into I have one more semester left. I have one more semester left until I have my masters and is "suppose" to have my life fucking figured out. I'm suppose to finally get a real life job and start doing what I've spent the last 7 years of my life studying. And that is fucking...scary. I feel myself start to hyperventilate a little bit just writing it and semi thinking about it at this very moment.  I can't allow myself to think about it fully because...I think I would just lose it. I don't know how I would handle it. I don't feel prepared. I feel like I would completely fall apart and just keep falling. I imagine just a deep, deep black hole and me completely free falling into a dark abyss of nothing. No control. No idea what's going to happen next. And I feel like throwing up as I write that and kinda picture that. I can't breathe. I'm having trouble. 

Then I think about how I'm gonna survive. How am I going to pay for this, for that? I think about how I should have saved better. I shouldn't have lived my life so frivolously. But then think, I haven't really. I feel like I haven't really lived. I haven't experienced anything really. I've spent the better part of these past 7 years with my head down and following a routine. I'm no longer gonna have that. I don't see my next steps and that is so so so frightening for me. Again I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle it. I'm not handling it right now thats for damn sure. I keep putting things off. Avoid, repress. That is and has been my mantra. But it can't anymore or else I am for surely going to fail. I can't fail. 

Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if my life would just stop. End. I wouldn't have to deal with what comes next. This would just be my final chapter. I wouldn't necessarily have to work and by work I mean just deal with what comes next because I don't think I can, which I equate to hard fucking work. 

I just don't know. 

This felt like a day I need to call an emergency or just any friend I could truly talk to about this. Then I realized...I can't. I can't really pinpoint who I could go to with this. There in laid a whole bunch of issues and stressors as well and basically a reminder to myself how truly alone I do feel. There wasn't anyone I could really call. There wasn't anyone I could really talk to or kinda entrust would make me feel better. Not that, that should be their responsibility but it would be kinda nice, right? I thought about the various ppl in my life and...kinda just nothing. I mean I think they would all listen for the most part...but that's if I let them. Is there someone in my life where I would really let my entire guard down and let them know the inner workings of my dark mind and see all my twists and turns in thoughts? Would I let someone know how low my self-esteem is or just how weak I could be? I don't know. I don't think so. So what's the point. I guess...there might not be?  I don't know. I really just don't know anymore. I couldn't even go on tumblr and just start scrolling through my dashboard cause I felt...guilty or like I just couldn't do it. I felt like I should deal with my emotions/stressors on one hand but on the other I just...didn't know how or couldn't do it. 

I'm shutting myself off now...again...I have no more thoughts. All I keep thinking is I don't know. And I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself once I end this blog and post it...

I tried making a list of what I need to get done...which, after writing it didn't make me feel completely overwhelmed but still. Still what, I don't know. I didn't do any thing. I tried crossing some things off my list but it just didn't happen. So I'll have to wait till tomorrow...and I afraid I'll start to feel panic again and I'm gonna have to go through this whole thing again. I really don't want that to happen. So then there's the fear that I'll avoid doing anything to avoid this fear/panic. I really am a piece of work. 

Yea....it's becoming to be a really...really bad, emotional day for me.

oh my mother.

I don't even have enough energy or headspace to fully write out my feelings at the moment and it also seems kind of useless cause i HIGHLY doubt anythings going to change. At least not anytime soon. I honestly don't know how or what needs to happen anymore to fix my relationship with my mother. Seriously we can't even have a regular conversation ever. She literally told me not more than 20 minutes ago that we should not talk. Literally just not say anything to each other. That is how my relationship with my mother has to be. 

How is that anything like a relationship? I can't even fully comprehend how much this hurts me. To not be able to have a relationship with my mother. To not even be able to have a regular conversation with her. There's so many lacking relationships already in my life and to not feel close with my family?! With my mother? 

I'm sure there is the obligatory love there and my mother "cares" for me but like what's obligatory love? Why should that have to be it? Why can't it be unconditional? Or better yet, why do I honestly feel like my mother hates me, or least can't love all of me. All I wanted to ask her was really, what is her problem with me? What about me is it that she hates so much? Or can't stand? Just tell me, just get it out. If you hate me just fucking say it because honestly that's what it feels like. 

I try not to think about it. Ever. In fact, it's probably the deepest part of my life I repress. I think i'd stop breathing if I truly comprehend how not feeling loved by my mother affects me. It comes out from time to time though. Like now as I am tearing up just writing this and still...my brain is not letting myself think about it wholeheartedly. Half my brain is still actively repressing and not allowing myself to really feel. I just can't. 

So instead, we don't talk. I try to say hi every now and again but I'm either met with silence or sometimes just a response with a 'why are you talking to me' tone. It also comes to the point where I feel that she is just purely disgusted with me. Can you imagine that? I know, I know there are people, daughters in the world with situations that are 1000x worst then mine but these are still my feelings. This is how I feel. Yes it can be subjective and completely how I perceive what is happening, but there is still a small truth to everything. Someone can't perceive something out of thin air. 

Today's conversation that turned into an argument in .05 seconds was her asking me where I parked my car (which she has never asked) - this was because she wanted to go to my cousins house. I made a joke saying 'what, you want me to move my car to save your parking spot so I risk losing mine?' (parking spots are so territoral in my neighborhood especially to my mother who hates our next door neighborhood) She immediately gets upset, and granted I was truly TRULY joking, with a light tone in my voice and smile on my face, but she gets upset immediately and states she can't even ask where I parked my car, etc. When I said relax I was kidding I wasn't being serious and she just stared at me for a minute getting madder and madder by the second until she was fuming. This was our fight, which spurred her to say I can never say anything correctly and we should not talk. This is also after a fight we had once where I did not flush the toilet which resulted in us not speaking for about two weeks and me being out of the house whenever she was home for about 3 days. 

This is my relationship with my mother. 

I feel like I'm slipping...

I feel like I'm slipping, like I have no weight in the world. I feel like there's nothing holding me in the world anymore. Maybe it's because I don't feel validated? Though that sounds so completely selfish or self centered but who cares right? No one's reading this blog. 

I just feel like I have no ties to anything anymore. I don't feel significant. I feel as though, if I left this world right now...it wouldn't be a big deal. There wouldn't be any significant damage. I don't feel close to anyone anyway.  

I have these thoughts sometimes. I'm actually almost certain no one could ever imagine, at least not those who know me in my day-to-day life would know how dark my mind goes sometimes. I have thoughts that, what if I was just gone one day, what would the people in my life think? What if I actually succeeded one day and committed suicide? What would they think? Would they ever believe that someone like me was capable of that? Or even had thoughts of hurting myself in my mind? That I was pushed to that point. Do my friends or family actually know the pain I go through sometimes? No. Of course not. Because I keep it hidden and they don't see. 

They don't see. 

I keep it hidden. Just like I keep hidden my real feelings sometimes. I don't tell people easily when I feel hurt or in pain or maybe even really genuinely happy sometimes. Mostly hurt though. I feel left out constantly. I feel like I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't feel significant in my family. I don't feel like my friends actually appreciate me or genuinely want to hang out with me sometimes. I can go days without talking to anyone. I go days without having any real genuine conversations. And I think this is what is slowly killing me, day by day. 

I don't feel like my life is real. I sometimes don't feel real at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and waiting. Waiting for something, anything to happen. I don't feel like I am living my life at all. Which falls on me yes. I should go out. I should venture and do new things. I should explore, branch out, meet new people. Stop putting it off and just do it. 

Just do it.

But that's sometimes easier said than done, no? I mean how can I start living when sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it? Or I'm worth it? 

I just want to feel significant. Like I'm wanted. Instead I find myself trapped in these potential hopes and dreams, wishing for the day where I finally feel something. Losing hope each passing day and just struggling to go on. Putting one foot in front of another and just moving. Not really, truly living. Just hiding in the shadows in a way, all alone. 

I don't know anymore

I'm drinking shiraz...so there's that. And also I've just been having...long days lately. Not very stressful in terms of school/work wise but more personal...and just me in my own head, as per usual.

I don't think there's much of a point to this blog post but just...needed to get things out I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Am I just so fucked up that I ultimately need to ruin everything I have? Like I have to self-destruct...I just have to...because I'm so afraid of success but also don't want to fail? I'm a middle ground person you see. But yet, I know I can't be satisfied with that, or at least I think I can't be. I shouldn't be. What the fuck am I doing. Can anyone answer me that? No course not, because no one reads this blog. Least I don't think, yet the "view" counts tell me otherwise. Unless it's a glitch...which I honestly believe that is the cast. I have a hard time believing that, that isn't the case. Prove me wrong someone. Anyone out there in the universe that SOMEHOW stumbled upon this blog and actually reads it, comment. Please. Anonymous is you please, i don't care. I just...sometimes need to know that I'm not alone out there maybe. Or that...my thoughts count. My feelings count. Cause honestly? -Sometimes it just feels like it's just me, that I am totally and utterly alone. I have no one really in my corner...and if ppl say that, I have a very hard time believing them. It's not one of my best qualities. Chalk it up to horrible self-esteem due to childhood.

Honestly...all I ever want in this world is for someone to get me. I just wish i had ONE person in my life that I felt I connected to...wholeheartedly. Whether just to be fucking friends or in a relationship with them, cause honestly...that's all I crave right now. Just...some fucking...connection. Not even physically but just emotionally...mentally...something. Just something...or someone.

I find myself looking through my 'wiw' (what-i-want) tags on my tumblr's which...just makes the ache in me stronger because I still have not found that. I still have not felt that connection with someone. Least I don't think. There was a glimmer in the past, but right now, that's all it was. Could it be more? Possibly. Who the fuck knows. Also why the fuck do I still have thoughts/feelings for the kid who has a gf...i can't help but STILL long for him and WISH that it worked out. Honestly, i really feel that if that happened my life would be close to be complete at this point.

I've said it once before and I'll say it again. One of my biggest fears is that I will never ever get to experience love. I'll never know what it feels like to be utterly and completely IN LOVE with a person. I won't find myself pinching myself thinking i'm the luckiest girl in the world that I am with this person, or want nothing but to make the other person happy, or love all the quirks they hate, to be completely and utterly distracted by them constantly, find myself daydreaming about them, feeling safe when I am around them, can't take my eyes off of them, to be someone's safe haven.

I don't know anymore...

Please...heart attack it's complicated

Please by Bethany Joy Lenz

If you’re in love with me

why dont you show me

If you can’t live without holding me then hold me

I have been ignored and abused and rejected so it’s time you told me

if this is what it is then it is not 

anything for me

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

I get so tired of scratching

scratching at your door

You push me out, then let me in

then you push me out all over again 

With you I have been so exposed,

unprotected, and you’ve never known me

Is it me that you need?

Or is the need simply to own me? 

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack

Never put my love out on the line

Never said yes to the right guy

Never had trouble getting what I want

But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough

When I don’t care

I can play ‘em like a Ken doll

Won’t wash my hair

Then make 'em bounce like a basketball

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear high heels

Yes, you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair

Pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air

It feels so good, but you know it hurts

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear perfume

For you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

The feelings are lost in my lungs

They’re burning, I’d rather be numb

And there’s no one else to blame

So scared I take off in a run

I’m flying too close to the sun

And I burst into flames

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x5]

I'm a fucking complicated broad.

Stranger

My "Boyfriend" shouldn't feel like a stranger... That's probably a bad sign huh? And the "quotations" probably don't help. But I guess...like I might have mentioned before, I didn't feel a real difference when we decided to make it "official" I didn't get a leap of joy or any rush of emotions like..."finally! this is just what I wanted!" Even though just a few months back thats what I thought I wanted. Now...I'm just confused. Sorta. Maybe I'm just not suppose to be with him. Or...guys. .........Right? I don't know. How is anyone suppose to know? -Also two posts within an hour? Guess its serious. Or the booze.

I don't feel it

I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't feel like i'm in a relationship. I can't help compare my feelings to the butterflies I once had, whether it was with him or with that time in my life I still look back on and yearn for. I don't feel passion. I don't feel anything really. Maybe contempt...or anger...annoyance mostly. It's almost like I'm empty. What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel things anymore? Why don't I feel them for him? What changed between a few months? Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I don't know what to think anymore...was that love? is this not right?

I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind...well two, but one I'm willing to admit and write here is that I've been wanting to go back and read this specific post I made on this blog. I remember the post pretty clearly, I believed it was one of the first times I felt I ever felt love...or that i was in love. (The specific post i'm talking about is here ) Currently...I'm in a relationship I thought I wanted. I went back and forth for months about wanting J...whether it was legit feelings or just out of loneliness. I went with legit feelings because...how could I not? I thought there were clear signs. I mean the thought of him wasn't going away after MONTHs, but also there were times where something happened in my day and I wanted to tell him. That was something right? At least I thought. We sorta took our time to get back into the swing of things again...really communicating and talking pretty open and honestly about how we felt and where we were. I was enjoying that and finally felt like, fuck it just go for it. Let's stop wasting time and just give this another shot. Third time's a charm right? And yet now...here I am thinking about...a past love? Or at least the past post about love I made...about someone else. Who, for the most part I can say is basically like my best friend...who happens to be a guy and who I have a long history with...see blogposts from the beginning of this blog till about i dont know a year or two into the blog? Most of the posts were about him. Let's just call him T for argument sake. But anyway, T is definitely one of the few human beings I've ever felt completely knows me and who I never really have to filter myself with. I can and usually am my complete self with him. He almost always knows exactly what to say or what I need to say when I'm in a state of crisis or just in everyday situations. He knows me. I know him. We have a great rapport and just friendship. There are times I tell him things I wouldn't normally tell other people because I know he'll make me feel better or I know I can just say whatever the fuck I want to him and his thoughts about me won't change. The thing is...I find myself wanting to tell him or go to him about certain things than my bf at the moment. My bf of like a week (minus all the said "history"-its complicated, I'm sorry) But there's a certain comfort level with T, a certain way we talk to each other. I don't have that with J and...it's making me worried. I sooo so want to have this level of comfort with J. Perhaps maybe it takes time? I mean J and I were friends since fucking elementary school with a small break from after hs to post college. Which...I would actually categorize as really my formative years. That time period from after hs to college to now, post college, in grad school, I definitely changed a tremendous amount. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. or even maybe 5 years ago. I just don't know. I wanted this relationship. Three weeks ago I was all "just fucking go for it" and stop over fucking analyzing or worrying. Just give it a try. You want it. Yet...here I am. I didn't feel any different after we made it "official" or have any sort of revelation or relief that yes, I got what I wanted. I think I was sort of numb and waiting for it to hit me or for me to process it. But...I don't think that has happened yet. What has happened is that I'm constantly now thinking, did i make the right decision? Shouldn't I feel different? Shouldn't I want to hang out with him? Shouldn't I talk to him about this that and the other thing? He should be my best friend right? That's what I wanted. That is what I wanted to work towards but...I just jumped the gun cause I thought it'll happen...or I hoped it would. I guess it's just not happening as fast as I would like? So why am I comparing him to T. Why am I constantly overthinking everything? Why are things still a little awkward? I also don't feel...the fiery passion anymore. Maybe he isn't the one? Or maybe...I'm not who I thought I am. Maybe I'm different... ...there's been a second nagging thought in my head for sometime now...though...unfortunately, I don't think I'm ready to...admit. Or put it out there other than having it in my own head. Where its still sort of safe. Though I guess if anyone is looking really close they'll know... I think.