back to back posts- 2 parts

Part 1-My Thoughts
My thoughts have been racing lately. My sleeping schedule has been thrown off and a shitload of thoughts have infiltrated my head. I feel like i'm going to have to start carrying a notebook and pen around me at all times just so i can jot down all the random thoughts i have in my head. The ones that I at least wanna write down and save in an important place. I've had so many thoughts pass through my head that I've wanted to save and remember to either write down in a notebook or to put into a post on this blog. It sucks because I have such bad short term memory, and i put the blame on the fact that i've become so good at repressing thoughts that even good thoughts get repressed now. They get so easily forgotten and lost in this brain of mine that its really hard to get them back. I've had to come to the conclusion of wanting to carrying a pen and paper around with me at all times. That or to somehow finally release all the thoughts and memories i've repressed over the years to help create the space in my head to actually hold onto short term memories. I believe the only way of truly helping myself in the long run would be to go to a therapist and actually talk to someone about it. However I can't right now but I am counting this as my first step. This is helping me get my thoughts out.
Last night at around 4am i couldn't fall asleep. I had so many thoughts running around in my head that needed to escape or else. I needed to tell someone something, to get something out of my head. I ended up sending a message to the one person I could think of that I would feel comfortable doing that too. This is the one person in my life at this point in time that I could truly talk to and really, really understand me. I feel like people say that all the time, but I think I really did find the person I could count on forever and always. At least I hope so. It feels that way to me now. So I sent the message...tried to go to sleep afterwards and still could not. Thats when I got the nearest thing that I could "write" my feelings down which was the notepad on my ipod. After I wrote a little I sent it to my email and was finally able to fall asleep.

Part 2-Love
You know, my definition of love has been relatively constant from the time that I fully started to understand the concept. When I was little I never knew what that word meant, in fact I can't even remember coming across that word when I was little. Maybe during valentine's day, or making cards for my parents on Mother's or Father's day. However it was always just to put Love, my name. I didn't come from a household that expressed their love, at least not literally. As I got older and started to develop more ideological thinking and such, the word started to get some meaning. For a good portion of my life I would never say the words I Love You, or use the word love to express something. I didn't throw the word around lightly, or better yet, I didn't really throw the word around at all. I would hear my friends tell their friends how much they loved them, or see my friends who were in relationships say that they loved their boyfriend or girlfriend. I could never do that.
I started to grow up with the concept of love that was built on what was portrayed on television and in the movies. I got swooped up in that fairy tale love that is shown and what everyone wants. I heard, just recently that anyone can write a romance novel. You just need two characters who have to overcome this great obstacle and one has to sacrifice themselves for the other and of course the ending has to be a happily ever after. At least the good happy stories. This is what's portray to girls, this is how people start to believe how love is, when in reality...its not. Love is not always perfect. I know that now, as I've grown up, however I would be lying if I didn't still wish and secretly hope I do have a fairy tale love and a happily ever after. Back to the reason I could never use the word love was because I always felt love meant almost complete devotion to someone. I felt like you truly loved someone when you would give up anything and everything for them. I felt like if you were willing to sacrifice yourself for this person that you loved them. And I never felt that way towards anyone...until now.
I've found someone who I can be completely and 100% honest with. I can be myself around this person and its totally fine. We're on the same page and feel the same way about things. Of course we're not twins and think the same about everything but I'm okay with that. Sure there are things that bother me about this person and some things I dont necessarily understand, however for the most part, we get each other. There are times where I have doubt about his feelings towards me, but who doesn't? I believe thats human nature to have some ounce of self esteem issues. But this person is someone that I can't stop thinking about. He's on my mind everyday and I've never felt like this before. However life's not perfect and my life is no different.
Circumstances have come up where this person and I are not together. In fact I've never really truly told him how I felt. Then again, for the most part I've just recently come to this revelation of what I wrote up there. It isn't unknown to the both of us however that we have feelings for each other. We just see some many obstacles in our way for us to be together that we can't really look past them. He doesn't want to hurt me and we both don't want our friendship to be ruined. I can't speak for him, though I think its also true on his behalf, but I don't think I could stand it if he weren't in my life. I just, there's just so many hardships we would have to get past to even try this out. A part of me wants to just go for it and try it. This is my first time feeling like this and i don't know when this will ever happen to me again. The other part of me just can't see or get over the fact that there are things standing in our way. I believe the majority of his reasoning for not wanting to give this a try is because he doesn't want to hurt me, which he has said time and time again. Believe you me, I don't want to be hurt by him also but it is a two way street. There are two people, for the most part, involved in this. I want to give this a try, I have hope that this could work and be something special. I believe in the fact that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. It's only a mistake if you didn't learn from it.
This has been on my mind these past couple of days and I fear its only gonna get stronger until I sort this out and figure out exactly what i want to do.