HOW the fuck

How is it that I go the entire year being completely single...with a few "hms" here and there, but within these past three days have gotten: a new potential interest, hottie i may add, who may be very very good for me, and then my ex who i've been still hung up on, wanting to talk to me and then tonight....a old, OLD friend making out with me in the backseat of the car....seriously? seriously. I just needed to get this out there so i definitely remember this the next day. Not that I am at all drunk. but still.

jesus fucking christ. what the fuck is happening.

Holy crap it's been about a year

Holy crap it's been about a year since things ended between me and my most recent ex. It just sort of hit me tonight as I was getting ready for bed, recapping my day and thinking to myself, well I would like someone to share what happened to me today and then BAM-my head thought of that guy. It's been about a year and yet I'm still not fully over him yet. I think about him every now again and still wish things could have worked out. I guess I just don't understand how that is and how I'm not fully over him yet. I guess because he was that one for me, the special "once in a lifetime" type guy. Though if I really think about it, he's probably not *that* high on the scale for descriptive as well as present time purposes he is that guy. I guess I always out him on a high ledistal because I like him for so long, he was the one my mind would always go back to, the one that got away. And when things finally started to happen between us it was almost like a dream, or too good to be true. I haven't felt the way I felt about him when we were together, before. Also if I do say so myself the chemistry was there between us, it was unlike anything I ever felt before. Yet it didn't wok out. It still boggles my mind on what exactly happened and there are still a few questions left unsaid and I guess I don't know what to do about that. I felt that he didnt give me a full answer or a legitimate excuse on why things weren't working out. Yes I understood him when he said he felt like he should be making the efforts to be my boyfriend but couldn't at the time. Whatever, he did just get out of a five year relationship. Again maybe it was my fault for gettin involved with him so soon after his breakup but whatever I felt like I couldnt pass up the opportunity. Anyway, there have been times where I am thankful I'm not in a committed relationship, solely because I just don't have the time. Grad school has been kicking my ass, at least at this point not to mention my other workloads which adds twice the amount of time commitment. I hardly have time to keep in check with myself let alone devote time to speak with a significant other. I will say though, there are times where I miss having that one person to talk to. The person who understands and is there for me when I need them. It's that companionship I miss. I mean obviously the physicality of having someone in your life as well. But mostly that. I don't know where I wa going with this. But I just felt the need to get these thoughts out. To be continued...hopefully

Outsider looking in

I feel like an outsider looking in to my own life. At least i felt like that after this weekend. I learned about that two of my friends started dating, well really that they've been dating for a while but just recently started telling people. Or me rather. I was the last too know, also last to know about my other friend going on a date with a mutual friend. I just felt, especially after this weekend that i wasn't as apart of the group anymore. I've had to sit out on a couple of weekends due to school work also just being too tired/wiped out from the week to venture out with the group. It might aslo be that i lack the freedom my other friends do when they go out, meaning i always have to be the early bird and make everyone leave early/end the night earlier than they would like. I've always felt guilt about this, having to leave early which also means having someone else drive me home, which coincides that almost everyone has to leave then too.
Anyway, i just felt a bit of inferiority towards this group of friends this week. I felt like i wasn't apart of them anymore and that i wouldn't get their insides jokes anymore or that they didn't bother to talk to me because i just wouldn't get it. I felt secluded which is a horrible feeling especially since i thought this group was pretty relaxed. This feeling made me look closer with my other friendships and i kinda realized i don't have a set group or a friend i felt completely comfortable with, one that i know i could always turn too. I've distance myself from two of whom were my closest friends a little while ago because i felt like they just didn't know me anymore. I've had this mantra to "never settle." I don't want to settle for something when i think i deserve more, or just to give in for whatever reason. I felt like because of this, i've cut ties a bit prematurely...in a way...especially I guess with some friendships. However I still feel like i made the right choice in some aspects.
I guess i'm just having a hard time connecting with people lately. Or that i'm just feeling incredibly lonely...not even in the sense of having an intimate relationship but just in terms of friendship. I feel awkward amongst the group of friends i thought would always be there for me, and it wasn't anything like that. However tonight i felt like that changed, i felt like something was different. It could quite possibly be just me and my own insecurities. In fact with one friend, i felt like she was constantly looking down on me and that i had to watch what i said around her because she would condescend me. If i were to think clearly i don't think this particular friend thinks she's better than me, but it does seem like we are very opposites and are only joined together because of mutual friends and we were sort of forced. However that feeling of her being better than me? thats probably rubbish, but I still sort of feel inferior to her, and that she has some kind of power on me. I guess it might be because she seems to spend more time in the group/developed closer relationships..but that's not it. I can't pinpoint it exactly at the moment because my mind is tired..but i guess the point is, i just felt inferior today and kinda alone, like i had no one on my side. I had no one i could turn to.

depression? suicide attempt? driven to this by my mother?

I havent needed to write in here for a while. I guess because nothing has affected or driven me to the point that i reached today. I wanted to cut myself again today. I thought about committing suicide again today. which is the 2nd time i've thought about this. I remember clearly the other time when i thought about committing suicide. I wanted to suffocate myself. Today i thought about downing a bottle of pills...all of this and each time i make a slash on my arm has been driven because of my mother. I feel like im living in a glass house where i can show no emotion. Apparently i cannot be angry when i don't get what i want. I dont know how that makes sense. People get angry when they dont get what they want OBVIOUSLY! ?? WERE all human?! I can't be angry? I understand i need to let it go, however i cant get rid of my emotions right after the event has happen, my feelings dont just disappear mother fucker. So now, i am drinking a beer and tequila to stop my brain. however i'm writing in this because i feel like i should get my emotions out. I wanted to die today. I wanted to write a suicide note and let my mother know she drove me to that point. I was on the border of calling the suicide hotline today. I feel like i cant breathe in this house. I am forbidden to live my life. I feel like i will never get to do anything until i move out of this house and live on my own which unfortunately won't happen anytime soon because i barely have any money to pay for my grad school...which oh the tuition is due on a week and i still have no clue how i'm going to come up with 3000 dollars. I wanted to die today...i wanted to commit suicide but i wanted to be successful. I didn't want to fail. I dont think i could stand being locked up somewhere. Though i could definitely use the therapy. and its because my mother. I was thinking of all the scenarios that could play out..if i died today, how my family would feel, how they would react...i thought about the people i talked today, both family and not...what they would think after hearing i had taken my own life. Yes, i was driven to that point. I am being driven to the point. I thought about it, before i could find strong reasons to live...each time i've been driven to the point of suicide i try to think of something to live for...i use to be able too...today i couldnt. However I'm still here. I tried to shut my brain off and not think about my feelings and the hurt i was feeling. the pain...except i'm bringing it all back now. Today I wasn't successful in attempting suicide but who knows, maybe one day i will and i would love for someone i knew to finally find this blog and read the words i felt, because these are my thoughts and feelings with no filter. This is who i am. I am a cutter and someone who thinks of committing suicide. No one in my life knows that. I have scars on my left hand and I don't know anyone in my life who has noticed them, nor has anyone asked me about them...ever. I wanted to write my suicide note and let all my feelings out. I wanted to let my mother know how much her words her actions have affected me and have driven me to the point where i wanted to take my own life. After I was gone i don't want my mother to feel sad or feel blame for my death, i'm not malicious to that point however i want her to know, in a way i only know how, how she has affected me. How much I am damaged because of her. How the lack of communication and our relationship has hurt me so much to the point where i am so incredibly damaged and how tears are so easily able to flow out of me because i need to surpress my emotions almost every minute of the hour in this house. This is killing my buzz. i wrote what i need to. I need someone I can talk to...and be completely honest too. I want someone I can turn to and make me feel better.

love

I'm afraid i'll never fall in love. That is one of my biggest fears, not to fail or to lose some one complete, but to never fall in love. I'll take all, and i mean all the drama that may come with it, but i want to once, feel like i'm in love with someone else. To be completely and utterly, stupidly in love with some one else. To fall so hard for someone that i cant see straight, that all i see are birds chirping and rainbows in the air. I want to finally call someone my own and have someone there in my life that i can turn to no matter what and know they care for me just as much as i care for them. This is what i want.

what i want at the moment

I've had such long and hectic day's this past week...i've never felt so busy in my entire life. It often feels like there is not enough hours in the day to complete all that i need to and get an adequate amount of sleep each night. There was a moment in my day today were I imagine to be in a place anywhere but there. It was such a nice day out, probably the first beautiful day since the summer..which seems like such a long time ago, that all i wanted to do was sit on a picnic table with some of my close friends and enjoy a nice beer...or margarita. Right now my mind is also drifting into what i want right now which is for tomorrow to come, have my midterm/test be over with and come home to snuggle on the best with someone special. That is what I want.

Song i must remember

Here are the lyrics to a song i just stumbled upon, one of the many of the past few days that i've fell in love with, but i must write this down, or put it somewhere so i'll remember it. So here it is.

What do I say
On this January day
When all my thoughts have gone astray
But I’m thinking ’bout you

And what do I do
When I’m black and I’m blue
And I’m still loving you
But I know it was meant to end

Oh, I’m missing you
Or maybe I’m just missing who I was
When I was with you

Oh love, oh love
Oh won’t you come again
Take me in your arms and hold me
Make me feel new again

And how do I convey
All the words that I could never say
To you when you were around

Oh, I’m missing you
Or maybe I’m just missing how I felt
When I was with you

Oh love, oh love
Oh won’t you come again
Take me in your arms and dance with me
Make me feel alive again

Oh love, oh love
Won’t you come again
Take me in your arms and hold me
Make we want to laugh and sing
Make me want to love again

-Won't You Come Again, Susie Suh