Pride

It's been a few June's now. But every year, for the past, 3? maybe 4 years now, pride comes along and the many celebrations associated with it. And each year, I think, how bad I want to go to these events but I can't. Or don't. More so the second one, but the can't is highly influential and feels more true than the don't. But nevertheless, I often find myself home, thinking, wondering, looking at the various social media posts from pride events, thinking how i wish i could be there, or wondering how it would feel to be there. But I can't. Because I'm not...'out' yet. Or ever. Or if there's a need to come out. Maybe I'm just confused or because I've been exposed to more homosexual content in the last few years and how accepting and open some people in the world are. Or maybe the somewhat vast majority. A lot more than when I was growing up. But after going most of my childhood and influential learning years as gay people were bad and it is wrong, even though i never really felt like that, its hard to let go of what was instilled in your brain. Also to make yourself not feel like you're wrong or bad. 

While the rest of the world may be growing more open and accepting, in my immediate, immediate world, it's not. I have the fear that if i came out, everything would change. And truth be told, some things absolutely would, I know this. Probably some for the better, since I wouldn't be living in this constant turmoil and internal struggle within myself, hiding myself from others, filtering my thoughts. But also, how people see me may change. Would I look different in their eyes? Would my "sexuality" /change from being always considered straight, cause them to see me different? Or would that explain some things to them about me, without real rhyme or reason just because my sexuality "changed." I mean, I still feel like me, minus the struggle to 'come out' or not. I feel more open if anything. And isn't that a good thing? Guess the problem is, not everyone is readily able to except that. You can be as open as you want, but if people can't receive that, then what's the point? Are you just living in your singular world of openness while everyone is in the shadows? Stuck there, because their happier there. They rather be stuck in the dark then more forward to the light. It's safer. Known. Comfortable. 

Maybe if I went to pride and see the overwhelming amount of support, or people who felt comfortable and proud of who they are, it would help me and give me the confidence. It could be eye opening and a great experience. I mean, hell I just went to firefly music festival last weekend and being surrounded by so many people for a music festival can be overwhelming, but in those 4 days, I only had one negative experience. Everyone there was so welcoming and free, and easy going. Everyone was pretty much so nice to each other. There wasn't really any pushing, shoving, getting to the front. Which was a change of pace from what I'm use to going to concerts. Perhaps because it was a music festival? Or out in Delaware. Whatever. Who knows. But, what I do know is. Every year, with this year not being any different. I'm home. Not at the parade. But wishing I was, but being unable to feel like I can. Or worthy. I also have the fear I'd be seen to be like a fraud, since I wasn't/am not, fully out yet. Which I know is somewhat of an irrational fear, because i can just as easily be taken as an ally if I went. But I just feel like I wouldn't be comfortable. If i'm not truly comfortable with myself yet, how can I be around people celebrating the fact that they are? They got over the hump, while i'm....still whole heartedly in it. Help.