empty. numb.

I made another mark yesterday. After two hours of sitting, thinking and picturing what would happen...what if...

I feel numb. I feel as though i don't have the right to feel better. I should feel like shit. I'm a horrible person. I've hurt people due to my own inability to do things, to take action. I deserve to not do anything, to sit in the dark, in my room the entire day. I should starve myself. I don't deserve to eat anything. I don't need it. I don't even deserve to be on this computer or enjoy anything. I shouldn't.

Hello, Lucky. Sorry.

I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And than my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all that ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
After got to let you know
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

-Hello, Lionel Richie (best performed by Lea Michele & Jonathan Groff live)


Do you hear me? I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here, right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

-Lucky, Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat

And finally, my third part of today's post. Sorry's don't mean a lot. Most of the time its just a word. The word, the phase, the saying, can only do so much. It can't take away the pain, anger or sadness in you're heart. It can only make the other person feel better. And most of the time it takes them an incredible amount of courage or motivation to say sorry in the first place. So let's just save us both the trouble. Find a better way to say sorry.

socks and ambitions

Its disheartening when you realize that some relationships just dissipate over time...some reasons known while others are still in questioned. It's like that infamous sock monster in your washing machine, the one that claims that one sock so that there's never a complete pair anymore. This thought came into my head today as I was wishing an old friend a happy birthday. This day actually brought me back five or so years ago where this day had such significance in my life. It brought me back to all those memories and friendships I had with people. Most of whom I'm not in contact with today. It got me realizing how sad it is that I don't really have relationships with those same people that I saw almost everyday for four years. Relationships come and go however do we ever take a step back and realize how many relationships you've lost? Now I may be one of few out there where relationships or friendships, whatever you like to call it, just got dwindled out over time. You lose touch, lost contact, but somehow life goes on. There's not much impact over the lost of the friendship...at that time. However looking back, you might get sad that you lost contact with that person. I know I have...with many people. This is your life, it's what you make out of it. The people in your life are there because of you, what you make out of it is all on you. So these lack of friendships or relationships seem like one less relationship you'll have in your life...if this disconnect continues. Sure you can create new relationships with different people. There's that endless amount that you can create, however what about all those that you have lost? Do they just go into the waste-bin to be taken out like last weeks trash? These people had some impact in your lives otherwise no relationship would have been form, therefore what do you do when these relationships are no longer on your 'radar' so to speak. Or you've just realized that yea, you both have gone on with your lives however you don't want to just lose all communication, lose the friendship forever.

I guess I had no real purpose to that whole "rant" but i felt it needed to be said. It just saddens me that I've lost so many relationships whether it was due to just time passing and lack of communication or just because things got busy and people went about their lives. I know I went about my life, went through the motions and did all the things I needed to do. However as I've said before one thing that was lacking was those friendships or relationships that I craved. I didn't really have anyone I could turn too. I guess I didn't create strong bonds.


Along with just going through life and going with the motions comes my next thought. You know, I have many ambitions in life, it might not be obvious to those around me, but I do. I have desires to do things, be spontaneous and such. I want to be able to be free and do the things that pleases me. However I feel held back. I feel held back by something...all the time. This feeling has prevented me from doing about 95% of the things I've wanted to do. You could say its my own doing or the fact that I've never really been able to 'spread my wings' and fly out of the nest...for a while at least. I can chalk that up to my overbearing and over-protective mother. -Oh how so many things come back to her. Which I don't need a therapist to tell me the relation of that. But that's basically it, this feeling of being held back. Sometimes I can't even notice it happening but I do notice how opportunities have come and gone and hardly, if ever have I've taken the chance to jump on them. I hate 'what if's' yet this feeling of being held back has caused so many of that. I can't help but wonder how my life would be different had I gone after all those things I've wanted. Had I chased the dreams I've had, and some, still do. Had I be more bolder and really be aggressive in getting what I wanted. Had I just jump and taken risks. I guess there's still room to change this...
Then again, as always it's easier said then done.
Though i've heard that if you start pretending to be the person you want to be, eventually you become that person.

silently weeping

How is it that I always get in trouble. 98% of the things that come out of her mouth is me getting yelled at and her telling me to watch the tone of my voice. It seems like I can't do anything right in her eyes. How would you feel going throughout your day/life knowing you're second best. You'll never be good enough. You can do 9 things right but what will get noticed is that one thing you didn't get right. That one thing will get blown into a huge deal and something you hear about the rest of the day.

It seems like my mother purposely waits till i'm out of the room to speak. She doesn't talk to me, nor does she want me to hear anything thats going on. She only wants to talk to my brother. She only acknowledges my brother. I have to go throughout the day hoping i don't say anything around my mom because in an instance she can get mad at ANYTHING I say and yell at me for doing something wrong.

I have to bite my tongue at everything i say around her. If i ever dare to talk to her, I have to watch tremendously what I say because she takes almost everything I say as something negative or with an attitude. My brother can say the exact same thing or things worst than what I say and never get in trouble. He can full on yell at her and call her stupid or retarded yet If I ever dare to say something even remotely like that, oh you best know that I'll be hearing that for a week. Fuck, I'm still paying for my teenage years where I did give attitude and was a hellion. However what teen doesn't go through that? However everything I do wrong now the blame gets brought back from my teenage years and I'm accused of all the things I did during those formative years.

I have to tread lightly on water everyday when I walk into this house when my mother is home. I constantly have to guard what I say and bite my tongue because anything I say can set the bomb off. It's like I have no emotions when I come into this house. I'm not allowed to speak my mind. Either I don't get taken seriously or I get into trouble. So after getting yelled at a few hundred times I've been condition just to shut my mouth and eat my food, go about my day in quiet. Its quite simple, I just don't speak anymore.

I go throughout my day in silence. Not able to express my emotions for fear of getting yelled at. If I get mad, god forbid me to ever express that because that would just make it worst. Nothing I do is justified, therefore what's the point in fighting it anymore. I've even been told by my father just to shake my head and nod when my mother speaks. There's no winning against her. Honestly, every thing I do is wrong in her eyes.

I can't even try to express my feelings out because it doesn't matter, she can't see what I'm talking about. She either doesn't understand or it just doesn't matter to her. I'm an ass and have way too much of an "attitude." I'm sick and tired of her using that excuse EVERY. EVERY TIME she gets mad at me for something, or anything for that matter. I can't even look at her because she claims I'm looking at her the wrong way.

When somethings not even my fault and I have to converse with her I still GET in trouble and her yelling at me. I'm actually surprised I've lasted this long without blowing a gasket, however I guess it just a matter of time. However even though I haven't blown the "gasket" yet, the pain and repercussions of these feelings i feel everyday have come out in other mediums.

I'm shaking with anger today because the madness I feel is getting all too much. I've had tears silently fall down my face because the pain is just unbearable today. And the worst part is I didn't cause this. This incident was entirely out of my hands. It came about because of my own cousins stupidity, recklessness and irresponsibility. I can't stand it anymore.

I don't know how many more days I can silently weep or have the harm built up inside me without letting anyone know how i truly feel. It's becoming increasingly unbearable.

silence, echos, patience and grace

The only sounds to be heard are our forks touching our plates. Otherwise its just silence. Complete and utter silence. Her body is turned away from me and when she opens her mouth to speak its to the dog. Not at the dog, to the dog. We sit down, eat our food in silence and go about our day. We can spend the entire day together with no words spoken between us.

Even when there is someone else at the dinner table, her body is always turned away from me. She doesn't direct the conversation to me and hardly, if any, speaks to me.


Is that how you would describe your relationship with your mother?

still one person

I'm glad there's still someone out there that can make me feel like i'm not totally alone in this world.

companion

Do you ever get tired of the same routine? Ever feel like you've been doing the same thing over and over? You work throughout the week, go through your routine of work/school, whatever you do during the week then the weekend comes. Yet, somehow your weekends also start to feel a bit ordinary and following a routine. There's no spontaneity in life right now. It's just the same thing over and over again and the next thing you know, a week, month, etc has gone by. Where does the time go?
Lately I've been feeling the emotional weight of not having a special someone in my life. I'm getting that small creeping feeling in the back of my head knowing that I don't really have someone in my life that I could turn too. At least not anymore. I'm lacking in the romantic area. I guess this is where the spontaneity also comes in because everything I do nowadays just seems so regular, plain. There's no jazz or spice in my life right now. I'm lacking that hope and joy that life should bring you everyday.
One of my biggest fears is that there is no one out there fore me, I'll be alone all my life. I'll never find that special someone that people spend their life looking for. I'm definitely screwed because I've grown up in an age where romantic love is the key to marriage, also where 50/60% of marriages today end in divorce. I've grown up watching all those chick flicks where the couple always ends up together and that they're destined for each other. Its the fantasy and I've been sadly drawn to into it. So to say I'm screwed is correct, because when in real life can you find the situations you watch in a chick flick?
I have that fear that I'll never meet someone. Especially if my life is following such a regular routine, when am i ever going to meet someone? Sure, I can get myself out there, however its always easier said then done. There's all these sayings to love life and finding someone. Things being easier said then done is one of them. As well as, as soon as you stop looking for someone they find you. I believed that statement, or that myth, however it hasn't work. I think me trying "not" to look for someone just put me lower and lower on the map.
This is one of the biggest things on my mind lately...how lonely I am. I know relationships aren't easy and I'm sure when/if i ever get into one, it won't be smooth sailing. However I'm scared. First because I can't even count any relationships I've had as pretty serious, and second, when/if i ever do get into a relationship, i'll be so inexperience that it won't work. This constant fear is in my head and causes me to constantly feel the weight of this emotion. I try to put on this brave face that I don't need a relationship, I'm okay with being single. But the truth is, i'm incredibly lonely...and I have been for quite some time now...