So it's funny, just reading up on the last post I wrote. I wrote that about the college "love"/best friend, and just last week (?) or so, he calls me up to hang out and confesses basically he wants to be with me and how there's always been something between us and we should just give in. I wasn't sure how I felt about it then and even now. Though actually maybe I do...which is I just don't anymore. I don't care to try. I don't feel the same way as I did in the past. I don't think those feelings are there anymore and I definitely don't want to ruin what little of a friendship we have been rebuilding for the past few years. Maybe also I'm still figuring everything out in my own life and my own terms.
I wasn't even planning to write a post today, in fact, I only came to this blog to look at the old songs I use to identify with and remember those past times, and then I started to read the last post I wrote and thought about those thoughts said above. Which led me down this past. But I was also just thinking just yesterday how I only write in this post, (mostly) and my actual physical diary when there is something wrong or if i need to vent something out or confess a secret perhaps. But 95% of the time, I'm writing about negative moments...and I thought why is that? Well of course I know, hard times are usually the easier ones to write about and express your feelings about because sometimes those feelings are more intense, also you remember those more vividly. Except, shouldn't you also try to live and remember the happy moments too? More so the negative ones? I mean, yes, totally, but do we ever? No, I guess not. I want to say I'll give it a try, but knowing me? Probably not. I mean I can hope and I will try to aspire to that. However, I guess recently, with everything that's going on, or really, lack thereof (aka not having a job/not looking for a job/not having a plan/not knowing where my life is going) I am just not feeling like myself. Though I don't even know who I am anymore to be honest. I haven't felt...me in a very long time. Maybe chalk it up to what has happen these last few months but I just feel like I'm going through the motions and not really taking anything in or being affected by anything. I mean I am, but not really you know? I don't know. I guess this whole, me trying to figure out who I actually am and what I actually want is taking its toll on me and my whole atmosphere/brain head space. I mean, there is so much I want to do and like you know, make this time "off" worth my while. I thought about learning to cook, exercising, joining a bowling league, i don't know anything. And I know I just need to get off my butt and start doing these things...but I just don't. I guess, well no, I know, I'm just a fucking creature of habit and I stay in my routine of waking up and opening my laptop and just fucking around for the whole day and I just can't break the cycle. And maybe i just don't want to? I don't know. But I'm done writing right now.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
It Kinda Sucks...
It kinda sucks when the person you thought knew you the best just a few short years ago, doesn't really know you anymore. Time and distance unfortunately caused a drift and maybe we just lost that connection we once had. It's like we're almost strangers now and you can't hear my voice when I text you. Or understand what I'm really trying to convey. Before I could send you one simple word and you would know exactly how I meant it. And now...it's like I'm talking to a stranger. And it's really sad. I don't feel like there's anyone in my corner anymore. I don't feel like there's anyone that truly knows the real me.
Friday, May 2, 2014
One more
When I was younger, I remember thinking about dying and killing myself. I think one of the first times I thought about it, I remember holding onto a thought, a thought that I just had to finish the Btvs series. I was holding on to May 20, 2003. That was my thought that was holding me on. I just had to live on, I had to see that end of the series. Looking back on that now, that was 11 years ago. I was 13. I was 13 years old, thinking I wanted to end my life. I'm 24 and still thinking about it. Obviously I made it through, I made it to my current age. But still, these thoughts entered my mind then. And now. I don't know how much that says about me but I think, i mean, it's just crazy to think about. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. That for the past 11 years, I've gone on through my life, but I've had these thoughts before. Granted, I'm a bit older now, lived through more life. Yet, those thoughts are still ever present, maybe more so now. Well, no, definitely more so now and now, unfortunately I'm smarted too. Smart to know better and not end my life, but also smart enough to know the ways where I can be successful. I don't know which is scarier.
I'm also trying to think of a thought now. A thought that will give me something to hold on a little longer. And...I can't. Not a good enough one to keep me holding on. But that's what I'm doing at the moment. Though it's not making me very happy or changing much. I'm just feeling basically hollow. Like I'm just a sheet in the wind or something. I'm a ghost moving through air. Going through the motions, basically. Until something happens.
I'm also trying to think of a thought now. A thought that will give me something to hold on a little longer. And...I can't. Not a good enough one to keep me holding on. But that's what I'm doing at the moment. Though it's not making me very happy or changing much. I'm just feeling basically hollow. Like I'm just a sheet in the wind or something. I'm a ghost moving through air. Going through the motions, basically. Until something happens.
Can't take it anymore
I don't know how much more I can take living in an environment where I'm not allowed to be myself or free. I can't express any sort of emotion and when I do, it isn't validated or even acknowledged. I'm so fucking tired of living in a place of hopelessness and knowing things won't/can't change. I'm so sick and tired of this and way too pissed off right now. And I can't even say anything because god forbid I'm mad or upset in this house. I can't express any fucking emotion...ever. Because then I'm an ungrateful, spoiled girl with a horrible attitude that I need to change. My tone of voice is constantly criticized. I'm ignored constantly and feel like I might as well be invisible. I'm losing hope that things will change and don't see the point in anything anymore. I can't even speak up about a simple fact that my mother threw out a lemon and lime juice in our refrigerator. I can't be mad at this. I'm going to be told I don't have a right to be mad at this. Even when though I bought the lime juice...it was never open and couldn't have possibly gone bad or taken up THAT much room in the fucking fridge. But if I say ANYTHING, even just to ask where/why was those things thrown out, EVEN IN THE MOST CALMEST FUCKING VOICE, i can only imagine what world war three fight that might fucking release.
You see, i'm not allowed to say anything. Everything I say, everything I do gets twisted into some sort of negative notion and idea by my mother. I asked her how her day was once and got a disgusted look from her and barely an answer. If I asked, what was making her so mad or why did she look/sound that way, my god, the world might as well have exploded because it would have been twisted into why I was asking that question and why MY tone of voice was off. The last big fucking fight my mother and I had started because I didn't flush the toilet! I DIDN'T FLUSH THE TOILET. Of course, that may be gross to some people, but if you live in a house ALL your life and its been an unspoken rule, no one flushes when someone just pees but then the fucking mother of the house decides to change the rules in the past year that we must flush now everytime, I'M SORRY IF I FORGOT. You know it may be a little bit of a HARD FUCKING HABIT TO BREAK IF I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS. Like fuck this. And the fight we had this time? Was because I changed my mind and decided to eat without waiting for my brother to come home from work. And because my mother ONCE AGAIN misinterpreted my words/tone of voice to think I, I WAS PISSED OFF. And even when I SAID, OUTLOUD, very clearly I WAS NOT MAD. Nope, no I was mad because my mother, MY MOTHER, said I was. She knew I was, because of course she's in my fucking brain. She know's how I think. She's not in my head! She is NOT ME yet she some how thinks she has the right to tell me, ME how I FEEL. How is that even right? How is that correct? How does she not see that, that is NOT OKAY? She keeps putting words in my mouth. She can't see past her own thoughts of what she thinks I may be thinking and it is *infuriating*. I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings because my mother feels that she has the right to govern over them. She says I need to change. I have to change my attitude and way of life. Why just me? Sure I'll change...I fucking have changed. I'm no longer a teenage girl. I'm not 13 years old anymore. Give me some goddamn credit that I've learned my ways and I'm a bit smarter as a 24 year old. But does that even matter? If I do, by some odd means, change into the way my mother wants...would it even matter? How would she know I changed? In what ways does she want me to change and how would she notice a difference?
I tried talking to her yesterday. I tried diffusing the situation and not getting mad, tried talking to her calmly and quietly and did that work? No of course not. It only mad situations worst. As always her solution was, we just shouldn't talk to each other anymore. Which is what we've been doing for the past fucking, god knows, how many years. I could tell she was upset by this and I told her I was upset by this. I didn't want our relationship to be like this. I don't want to have my relationship with my mother be one where we couldn't even talk to each other. So I tried to fix it. I tried to see what we could do. -That is me changing! That is me growing! I'm trying to fix this. But did it work? No. Of course not. Why would it? Why would anything? What is the point anymore? I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find a point. Living in a place where all I feel is hopelessness and invisible is taking its toll. I don't want to continue living when I see no point. It would make things so much easier if I was gone. I wanted to kill myself so bad yesterday. I kept thinking of drowning myself in pills and alcohol. If I went to bed, I didn't want to get up. I was scared of hurting myself and scared of what I might do. If I was going to attempt something, I wanted to make sure I was goddamn successful. I told my brother, living like this was killing me. Constantly biting my tongue, not saying how I feel, for fear I would upset my mother, not being allowed to be mad or angry at anything. I can't do it anymore. I was in and still am in complete pain. I feel just utter despair and I want it to end. I was fucking hyperventilating yesterday from crying and being upset and did that make a difference? No of course not. My mother got mad at me because I was still upset and again putting words into my mouth that I was blaming her. When really I was just upset about the overall situation. At that moment, I wasn't blaming her, but does it matter? No. Once again, of course not. Did my hyperventilating make my brother blink an eye? Nope not really...I just felt, once again, alone. And that my feelings weren't being considered as real. No one is seeing how really, truly hurt I am by all of this. Bo one is understanding that I didn't mean to cause another fight. Not that I think I caused it, but I'm the only one to blame. My brother and father expect this action from my mother and me and expect me, me to be the bigger person and keep my mouth shut. They say, 'you know how she is' so why do I do the things I do? Maybe because if I keep continuing I might as well be dead. I'm not living like this. In a constant state of being quiet, ignored, silently suffering in pain. What kind of life is that? These aren't the thoughts I want to be thinking of. I don't want to think about ending my life. I don't want to be feeling like that is my only option or that is even a better option, especially not after losing Danny. Its still so hard to think about him, how he was taken way too soon. It's not fair. It's not fair he had to lose his life to cancer. It still hard to comprehend that he is really gone. That he's not gonna be at anymore family gatherings anymore, or when we go out to celebrate cousin birthdays..he won't be there. I still can't wrap my head around it. The pain his family must be feeling is unimaginable. And I'm still here also thinking about ending my life. I don't want to put my family through that either. but I can't figure out how to continue living right now, in this pain. I don't want to continue going on with my life, as my family expects me to and is doing themselves because I feel like they are just going to swept this fight up under the rug as another one of Mom and I's fights. But it is different this time. My mother choked me and wanted to kill me, she wanted me out of the house. The amount of hatred I saw in her eyes and felt was enough to solidify my thoughts and realize that there is something within her that makes her hate me so much. And this is something I'm never going to be able to change. She can't stand me. She doesn't like a part of me. So what do I do with that? How do I live with that? How do I continue living with this thought? How do I go on knowing that, there is some part of my mother that really hates me. She is so frustrated by me and doesn't believe I can change or that our relationship can be fixed so why should I try? I feel like my efforts would be fruitless. Why keep going on through the motions? Why do I keep living? I want them to realize how much pain I am in. I need them to take me seriously when I say I'm hurting and that this is really causing me pain. I cut myself goddamn it because of this. I want to die because of this. I feel like the only escape for me is dying. Yet, I think if I even do say this, for some reason, it still wouldn't matter. They still won't get it. I just need them to damn it, acknowledge me. It's hard going through life when you feel that you aren't valued or even acknowledged. And I don't know what to do anymore. or what would make me feel better.
I've cried too much in this past month than I ever want to in my life.
You see, i'm not allowed to say anything. Everything I say, everything I do gets twisted into some sort of negative notion and idea by my mother. I asked her how her day was once and got a disgusted look from her and barely an answer. If I asked, what was making her so mad or why did she look/sound that way, my god, the world might as well have exploded because it would have been twisted into why I was asking that question and why MY tone of voice was off. The last big fucking fight my mother and I had started because I didn't flush the toilet! I DIDN'T FLUSH THE TOILET. Of course, that may be gross to some people, but if you live in a house ALL your life and its been an unspoken rule, no one flushes when someone just pees but then the fucking mother of the house decides to change the rules in the past year that we must flush now everytime, I'M SORRY IF I FORGOT. You know it may be a little bit of a HARD FUCKING HABIT TO BREAK IF I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS. Like fuck this. And the fight we had this time? Was because I changed my mind and decided to eat without waiting for my brother to come home from work. And because my mother ONCE AGAIN misinterpreted my words/tone of voice to think I, I WAS PISSED OFF. And even when I SAID, OUTLOUD, very clearly I WAS NOT MAD. Nope, no I was mad because my mother, MY MOTHER, said I was. She knew I was, because of course she's in my fucking brain. She know's how I think. She's not in my head! She is NOT ME yet she some how thinks she has the right to tell me, ME how I FEEL. How is that even right? How is that correct? How does she not see that, that is NOT OKAY? She keeps putting words in my mouth. She can't see past her own thoughts of what she thinks I may be thinking and it is *infuriating*. I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings because my mother feels that she has the right to govern over them. She says I need to change. I have to change my attitude and way of life. Why just me? Sure I'll change...I fucking have changed. I'm no longer a teenage girl. I'm not 13 years old anymore. Give me some goddamn credit that I've learned my ways and I'm a bit smarter as a 24 year old. But does that even matter? If I do, by some odd means, change into the way my mother wants...would it even matter? How would she know I changed? In what ways does she want me to change and how would she notice a difference?
I tried talking to her yesterday. I tried diffusing the situation and not getting mad, tried talking to her calmly and quietly and did that work? No of course not. It only mad situations worst. As always her solution was, we just shouldn't talk to each other anymore. Which is what we've been doing for the past fucking, god knows, how many years. I could tell she was upset by this and I told her I was upset by this. I didn't want our relationship to be like this. I don't want to have my relationship with my mother be one where we couldn't even talk to each other. So I tried to fix it. I tried to see what we could do. -That is me changing! That is me growing! I'm trying to fix this. But did it work? No. Of course not. Why would it? Why would anything? What is the point anymore? I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find a point. Living in a place where all I feel is hopelessness and invisible is taking its toll. I don't want to continue living when I see no point. It would make things so much easier if I was gone. I wanted to kill myself so bad yesterday. I kept thinking of drowning myself in pills and alcohol. If I went to bed, I didn't want to get up. I was scared of hurting myself and scared of what I might do. If I was going to attempt something, I wanted to make sure I was goddamn successful. I told my brother, living like this was killing me. Constantly biting my tongue, not saying how I feel, for fear I would upset my mother, not being allowed to be mad or angry at anything. I can't do it anymore. I was in and still am in complete pain. I feel just utter despair and I want it to end. I was fucking hyperventilating yesterday from crying and being upset and did that make a difference? No of course not. My mother got mad at me because I was still upset and again putting words into my mouth that I was blaming her. When really I was just upset about the overall situation. At that moment, I wasn't blaming her, but does it matter? No. Once again, of course not. Did my hyperventilating make my brother blink an eye? Nope not really...I just felt, once again, alone. And that my feelings weren't being considered as real. No one is seeing how really, truly hurt I am by all of this. Bo one is understanding that I didn't mean to cause another fight. Not that I think I caused it, but I'm the only one to blame. My brother and father expect this action from my mother and me and expect me, me to be the bigger person and keep my mouth shut. They say, 'you know how she is' so why do I do the things I do? Maybe because if I keep continuing I might as well be dead. I'm not living like this. In a constant state of being quiet, ignored, silently suffering in pain. What kind of life is that? These aren't the thoughts I want to be thinking of. I don't want to think about ending my life. I don't want to be feeling like that is my only option or that is even a better option, especially not after losing Danny. Its still so hard to think about him, how he was taken way too soon. It's not fair. It's not fair he had to lose his life to cancer. It still hard to comprehend that he is really gone. That he's not gonna be at anymore family gatherings anymore, or when we go out to celebrate cousin birthdays..he won't be there. I still can't wrap my head around it. The pain his family must be feeling is unimaginable. And I'm still here also thinking about ending my life. I don't want to put my family through that either. but I can't figure out how to continue living right now, in this pain. I don't want to continue going on with my life, as my family expects me to and is doing themselves because I feel like they are just going to swept this fight up under the rug as another one of Mom and I's fights. But it is different this time. My mother choked me and wanted to kill me, she wanted me out of the house. The amount of hatred I saw in her eyes and felt was enough to solidify my thoughts and realize that there is something within her that makes her hate me so much. And this is something I'm never going to be able to change. She can't stand me. She doesn't like a part of me. So what do I do with that? How do I live with that? How do I continue living with this thought? How do I go on knowing that, there is some part of my mother that really hates me. She is so frustrated by me and doesn't believe I can change or that our relationship can be fixed so why should I try? I feel like my efforts would be fruitless. Why keep going on through the motions? Why do I keep living? I want them to realize how much pain I am in. I need them to take me seriously when I say I'm hurting and that this is really causing me pain. I cut myself goddamn it because of this. I want to die because of this. I feel like the only escape for me is dying. Yet, I think if I even do say this, for some reason, it still wouldn't matter. They still won't get it. I just need them to damn it, acknowledge me. It's hard going through life when you feel that you aren't valued or even acknowledged. And I don't know what to do anymore. or what would make me feel better.
I've cried too much in this past month than I ever want to in my life.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Friendships don't have to be forever
I guess I have to be reminded sometimes. That friendships can come and go and that, you shouldn't be friends with people who aren't good for you. Honestly. You can be "close" friends with someone for 2+ years and then...not.
I hate the way I started this blog but. My point is...why do I should/need to stay in a friendship with someone who makes me feel like shit? Who I feel constantly disregards whatever I say, disvalues whatever I say and just makes condescending comments to me almost every time I open my mouth? Why do I have to put up with that? Why should I.
Maybe tonight is just the final nail in the coffin or has made me open my eyes further on how badly I'm being treated. A GNO isn't suppose to make me feel like shit and feel like I might as well be invisible...that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut because whatever I said, didn't matter. It was 'safer' for me to keep my mouth shut, because if i didn't say anything, my friend couldn't make a comment towards me that was condescending. --This could also be my perception, I mean that's a possibility. I could ask my other friend who is part of this trifecta, but she doesn't like confrontation. Also, there is a slight fear that she hasn't noticed it and doesn't think anything of it, and perhaps I'm making this a bigger deal than it is. However, if it is making me feel like shit? I think that is a legitimate reason. I can't be making this up completely! There has to be something. Maybe it's a guilty conscious cause I said to my friend I hated her girlfriend but I really, really, don't think thats it. Though maybe that's why my friend is acting this way towards me. She is just being passive aggressive with condescending undertones.
I mean, I have always felt a slight twinge around her that she thought she was better than me, in some ways. I always felt so inferior to her and which I think gave her more power to make me feel like that. But, again, maybe tonight was just the final nail in the coffin to fully make me realize that this is actually happening, whether she realizes it or not. I mean speaking from observing our body language, she never faced me when we were waiting for our table. During dinner she hardly spoke to me or had eye contact with me. It was always to our other friend. Which I have no doubt they're closer, or at least were. Who knows now. But I also feel like my friend has to say things to make herself feel special or difference, because it will somehow give her more value? In some ways? Like she has to mention how difficult things will be for her since she is gay. Which, yes. Valid, valid point. I get it, I understand it, TRULY. But she makes it seem like no one in the world could possibly understand that and I get it, she thinks no one in group of friends can, but she doesn't know that for sure. I think what also makes me mad is that she makes it seem like she knows me better than I know myself, which is crazy! It's like she always has to be the best or different, constantly. If i try to say something, even remotely challenging her or arguing with her, I get shot down because I don't know better, because 'she has experienced it.' She has experienced everything but we would never know because she doesn't tell us about it, until the moment she wants to share to prove a point. Or to showcase how wrong I am. It's not like I can even fucking argue, there's no point because she will always find some winning argument. Even when she was saying her cousin got into West Point, which was a Navy school, being so sure about this, and how he got a full ride on a soccer scholarship, almost boastful, which when I stated West Point was Army and of course she did not believe me right away, however when I stated for sure, she stated 'oh well' and brushed the knowledge under the table saying she doesn't know about that shit anyway. It was just little shit like that, that took me over the edge today.
I don't want to be around someone that makes me feel less-confident and good about myself. That isn't what a friend should do, or what a friendship should entail. I guess this is just something I have to remind myself though and somewhat get over my fear of being alone/lonely. If I start to distance myself from this particular friendship, I may be blacklisting myself or unintentionally distancing myself from my other friends, whom I still want to be around and who do not make me feel like shit. So I'm somewhat stuck. And I'm just too tired to continue to talk about this anymore.
I hate the way I started this blog but. My point is...why do I should/need to stay in a friendship with someone who makes me feel like shit? Who I feel constantly disregards whatever I say, disvalues whatever I say and just makes condescending comments to me almost every time I open my mouth? Why do I have to put up with that? Why should I.
Maybe tonight is just the final nail in the coffin or has made me open my eyes further on how badly I'm being treated. A GNO isn't suppose to make me feel like shit and feel like I might as well be invisible...that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut because whatever I said, didn't matter. It was 'safer' for me to keep my mouth shut, because if i didn't say anything, my friend couldn't make a comment towards me that was condescending. --This could also be my perception, I mean that's a possibility. I could ask my other friend who is part of this trifecta, but she doesn't like confrontation. Also, there is a slight fear that she hasn't noticed it and doesn't think anything of it, and perhaps I'm making this a bigger deal than it is. However, if it is making me feel like shit? I think that is a legitimate reason. I can't be making this up completely! There has to be something. Maybe it's a guilty conscious cause I said to my friend I hated her girlfriend but I really, really, don't think thats it. Though maybe that's why my friend is acting this way towards me. She is just being passive aggressive with condescending undertones.
I mean, I have always felt a slight twinge around her that she thought she was better than me, in some ways. I always felt so inferior to her and which I think gave her more power to make me feel like that. But, again, maybe tonight was just the final nail in the coffin to fully make me realize that this is actually happening, whether she realizes it or not. I mean speaking from observing our body language, she never faced me when we were waiting for our table. During dinner she hardly spoke to me or had eye contact with me. It was always to our other friend. Which I have no doubt they're closer, or at least were. Who knows now. But I also feel like my friend has to say things to make herself feel special or difference, because it will somehow give her more value? In some ways? Like she has to mention how difficult things will be for her since she is gay. Which, yes. Valid, valid point. I get it, I understand it, TRULY. But she makes it seem like no one in the world could possibly understand that and I get it, she thinks no one in group of friends can, but she doesn't know that for sure. I think what also makes me mad is that she makes it seem like she knows me better than I know myself, which is crazy! It's like she always has to be the best or different, constantly. If i try to say something, even remotely challenging her or arguing with her, I get shot down because I don't know better, because 'she has experienced it.' She has experienced everything but we would never know because she doesn't tell us about it, until the moment she wants to share to prove a point. Or to showcase how wrong I am. It's not like I can even fucking argue, there's no point because she will always find some winning argument. Even when she was saying her cousin got into West Point, which was a Navy school, being so sure about this, and how he got a full ride on a soccer scholarship, almost boastful, which when I stated West Point was Army and of course she did not believe me right away, however when I stated for sure, she stated 'oh well' and brushed the knowledge under the table saying she doesn't know about that shit anyway. It was just little shit like that, that took me over the edge today.
I don't want to be around someone that makes me feel less-confident and good about myself. That isn't what a friend should do, or what a friendship should entail. I guess this is just something I have to remind myself though and somewhat get over my fear of being alone/lonely. If I start to distance myself from this particular friendship, I may be blacklisting myself or unintentionally distancing myself from my other friends, whom I still want to be around and who do not make me feel like shit. So I'm somewhat stuck. And I'm just too tired to continue to talk about this anymore.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
short late night post
I should probably stop drinking...
...I'm afraid it's going to become a problem...
...and that is one of my top (5)? fears.
...I'm afraid it's going to become a problem...
...and that is one of my top (5)? fears.
Friday, January 17, 2014
First of many probably about sexuality
I'm 24 years old. I still don't know who exactly I am. I'm still figuring myself out but, maybe...just maybe, i'm also starting to allow myself to really get to know myself. If that makes sense. Once again, like almost all my posts, especially my more recent ones, this is almost, if not all stream of consciousness and spurred/fueled by alcohol. Perhaps its the alcohol that allows my brain to not only get fuzzy but obviously it lowers my inhibition and allows me to be me. Uninhibited, free flowing thoughts, little to no defense mechanisms up me.
Anyway, I was going through my naomily tag (look it up- because it's everything I want to keep) and I thought to myself, why, why does this fictional television couple cause me so many feels? Is it because they weren't necessarily identified as "gay" characters from the beginning? Or they simply just were two people who connected and fell in love, who happened to be the same sex. Disclaimer- I have not seen any episodes of Skins (UK) but I have watched what I think is, every Naomi and Emily scene there is, so I think I got the gist or enough to completely fall in love with this couple. ANYWAY. (getting more wine-break)
No but really. I look through my tag of this couple and it makes me think, *every time* and question my sexuality. Which...I have been doing a lot lately. I would say in the past year or so. I blame tumblr.
No I don't, in fact I love tumblr. Yes it is a HUGE distraction but it's helping me slowly accept who I am and let me know on some levels that I'm not alone. But back to naomily-ish: (sorry for the jumping around - again all straight up stream of consciousness tonight)
Every time I re-watch scenes of this couple or see gifs/gif sets of them I think about how these two just love each other. They don't care about gender, they just connected, there was something just...there...and I...so desperately want to feel/have a connection like that. I don't care what gender. Now this has been a thought of mine for a while and I don't know if it's because of the overwhelming loneliness I feel...basically all the time, or if I'm really...gay? bisexual? Why put a label. I'm probably somewhere on the spectrum.
I remember when I was little, I was a complete and utter tomboy till, i don't know, end of middle school? Was that a sign? I remember my failed relationships with boys. Is it because I was a lesbian? That is the first time I wrote that word in reference to myself and...it felt a bit shocking. I don't really know exactly where I am going with all of this but all I know is that I've just been kinda questioning everything and thinking if I've denied myself all my life of who I really am. I mean, god knows I repress the shit out of every memory so much that I might as well be a gold medalist if they had repression as an olympic category. I was never a homophobe by any means when I was younger but I kinda always shy'd/stayed away from the subject of lesbians. But then thinking about it now I wonder did I really stay away? Or was I curious but on some level just wanted to protect myself from this taboo idea that made me not think more about the subject. -If that makes sense? Like I thought to myself if I pay more attention or if I thought more about lesbians, I'd become one? I mean I was totally fine with gay men and lesbians for the most part but I just wouldn't think more about it, like I blocked myself. Was I just denying myself? Was I scared? I mean I think that was probably a given, given the world I grew up in and because times were different then. It's becoming more and more of a norm to see lesbian relationships which is great and I fully support it.
But I also have this other thought of...is this a phase? Because I was, am, and probably always will be a "late-bloomer", is this my "college-experimental phase"? Probably? Maybe? But also maybe not. I don't know. That's why I don't want to categorize myself or attach a label but also still not totally comfortable saying anything...to anyone really. I mean there are probably hints here and there...but I'm still just trying to figure it all out. And when I don't know when I will have it all figured out. But also on the other hand I desperately wish I could confide in one of my friends because...this is just a really confusing time for me. I just want to feel like there's someone out there for me, to support me.
All I know, I guess is that I am open to a relationship with anyone, anyone I have a connection to, who I feel like I could genuinely be myself with, I would love that. Regardless of gender. But also...maybe I do want to have a relationship with a female. Maybe that is why I have often found myself drawn to a female? Whether that be a classmate or just celebrities? That I'm fascinated/more obsessed with females? But then that also leads me to wonder, is this a phase/just me obsessing over something again? Because I have found that I do that. I get on this kick of like a new tv show or new celebrity I like and just go on this obsession-fest. So is this just me obsessing about lesbianism? Who the fuck knows now. But...i think if I really dug deep within myself, i don't think its me obsessing.
This post is way too long, so i'm stopping.
Anyway, I was going through my naomily tag (look it up- because it's everything I want to keep) and I thought to myself, why, why does this fictional television couple cause me so many feels? Is it because they weren't necessarily identified as "gay" characters from the beginning? Or they simply just were two people who connected and fell in love, who happened to be the same sex. Disclaimer- I have not seen any episodes of Skins (UK) but I have watched what I think is, every Naomi and Emily scene there is, so I think I got the gist or enough to completely fall in love with this couple. ANYWAY. (getting more wine-break)
No but really. I look through my tag of this couple and it makes me think, *every time* and question my sexuality. Which...I have been doing a lot lately. I would say in the past year or so. I blame tumblr.
No I don't, in fact I love tumblr. Yes it is a HUGE distraction but it's helping me slowly accept who I am and let me know on some levels that I'm not alone. But back to naomily-ish: (sorry for the jumping around - again all straight up stream of consciousness tonight)
Every time I re-watch scenes of this couple or see gifs/gif sets of them I think about how these two just love each other. They don't care about gender, they just connected, there was something just...there...and I...so desperately want to feel/have a connection like that. I don't care what gender. Now this has been a thought of mine for a while and I don't know if it's because of the overwhelming loneliness I feel...basically all the time, or if I'm really...gay? bisexual? Why put a label. I'm probably somewhere on the spectrum.
I remember when I was little, I was a complete and utter tomboy till, i don't know, end of middle school? Was that a sign? I remember my failed relationships with boys. Is it because I was a lesbian? That is the first time I wrote that word in reference to myself and...it felt a bit shocking. I don't really know exactly where I am going with all of this but all I know is that I've just been kinda questioning everything and thinking if I've denied myself all my life of who I really am. I mean, god knows I repress the shit out of every memory so much that I might as well be a gold medalist if they had repression as an olympic category. I was never a homophobe by any means when I was younger but I kinda always shy'd/stayed away from the subject of lesbians. But then thinking about it now I wonder did I really stay away? Or was I curious but on some level just wanted to protect myself from this taboo idea that made me not think more about the subject. -If that makes sense? Like I thought to myself if I pay more attention or if I thought more about lesbians, I'd become one? I mean I was totally fine with gay men and lesbians for the most part but I just wouldn't think more about it, like I blocked myself. Was I just denying myself? Was I scared? I mean I think that was probably a given, given the world I grew up in and because times were different then. It's becoming more and more of a norm to see lesbian relationships which is great and I fully support it.
But I also have this other thought of...is this a phase? Because I was, am, and probably always will be a "late-bloomer", is this my "college-experimental phase"? Probably? Maybe? But also maybe not. I don't know. That's why I don't want to categorize myself or attach a label but also still not totally comfortable saying anything...to anyone really. I mean there are probably hints here and there...but I'm still just trying to figure it all out. And when I don't know when I will have it all figured out. But also on the other hand I desperately wish I could confide in one of my friends because...this is just a really confusing time for me. I just want to feel like there's someone out there for me, to support me.
All I know, I guess is that I am open to a relationship with anyone, anyone I have a connection to, who I feel like I could genuinely be myself with, I would love that. Regardless of gender. But also...maybe I do want to have a relationship with a female. Maybe that is why I have often found myself drawn to a female? Whether that be a classmate or just celebrities? That I'm fascinated/more obsessed with females? But then that also leads me to wonder, is this a phase/just me obsessing over something again? Because I have found that I do that. I get on this kick of like a new tv show or new celebrity I like and just go on this obsession-fest. So is this just me obsessing about lesbianism? Who the fuck knows now. But...i think if I really dug deep within myself, i don't think its me obsessing.
This post is way too long, so i'm stopping.
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