oh my mother.

I don't even have enough energy or headspace to fully write out my feelings at the moment and it also seems kind of useless cause i HIGHLY doubt anythings going to change. At least not anytime soon. I honestly don't know how or what needs to happen anymore to fix my relationship with my mother. Seriously we can't even have a regular conversation ever. She literally told me not more than 20 minutes ago that we should not talk. Literally just not say anything to each other. That is how my relationship with my mother has to be. 

How is that anything like a relationship? I can't even fully comprehend how much this hurts me. To not be able to have a relationship with my mother. To not even be able to have a regular conversation with her. There's so many lacking relationships already in my life and to not feel close with my family?! With my mother? 

I'm sure there is the obligatory love there and my mother "cares" for me but like what's obligatory love? Why should that have to be it? Why can't it be unconditional? Or better yet, why do I honestly feel like my mother hates me, or least can't love all of me. All I wanted to ask her was really, what is her problem with me? What about me is it that she hates so much? Or can't stand? Just tell me, just get it out. If you hate me just fucking say it because honestly that's what it feels like. 

I try not to think about it. Ever. In fact, it's probably the deepest part of my life I repress. I think i'd stop breathing if I truly comprehend how not feeling loved by my mother affects me. It comes out from time to time though. Like now as I am tearing up just writing this and still...my brain is not letting myself think about it wholeheartedly. Half my brain is still actively repressing and not allowing myself to really feel. I just can't. 

So instead, we don't talk. I try to say hi every now and again but I'm either met with silence or sometimes just a response with a 'why are you talking to me' tone. It also comes to the point where I feel that she is just purely disgusted with me. Can you imagine that? I know, I know there are people, daughters in the world with situations that are 1000x worst then mine but these are still my feelings. This is how I feel. Yes it can be subjective and completely how I perceive what is happening, but there is still a small truth to everything. Someone can't perceive something out of thin air. 

Today's conversation that turned into an argument in .05 seconds was her asking me where I parked my car (which she has never asked) - this was because she wanted to go to my cousins house. I made a joke saying 'what, you want me to move my car to save your parking spot so I risk losing mine?' (parking spots are so territoral in my neighborhood especially to my mother who hates our next door neighborhood) She immediately gets upset, and granted I was truly TRULY joking, with a light tone in my voice and smile on my face, but she gets upset immediately and states she can't even ask where I parked my car, etc. When I said relax I was kidding I wasn't being serious and she just stared at me for a minute getting madder and madder by the second until she was fuming. This was our fight, which spurred her to say I can never say anything correctly and we should not talk. This is also after a fight we had once where I did not flush the toilet which resulted in us not speaking for about two weeks and me being out of the house whenever she was home for about 3 days. 

This is my relationship with my mother. 

I feel like I'm slipping...

I feel like I'm slipping, like I have no weight in the world. I feel like there's nothing holding me in the world anymore. Maybe it's because I don't feel validated? Though that sounds so completely selfish or self centered but who cares right? No one's reading this blog. 

I just feel like I have no ties to anything anymore. I don't feel significant. I feel as though, if I left this world right now...it wouldn't be a big deal. There wouldn't be any significant damage. I don't feel close to anyone anyway.  

I have these thoughts sometimes. I'm actually almost certain no one could ever imagine, at least not those who know me in my day-to-day life would know how dark my mind goes sometimes. I have thoughts that, what if I was just gone one day, what would the people in my life think? What if I actually succeeded one day and committed suicide? What would they think? Would they ever believe that someone like me was capable of that? Or even had thoughts of hurting myself in my mind? That I was pushed to that point. Do my friends or family actually know the pain I go through sometimes? No. Of course not. Because I keep it hidden and they don't see. 

They don't see. 

I keep it hidden. Just like I keep hidden my real feelings sometimes. I don't tell people easily when I feel hurt or in pain or maybe even really genuinely happy sometimes. Mostly hurt though. I feel left out constantly. I feel like I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't feel significant in my family. I don't feel like my friends actually appreciate me or genuinely want to hang out with me sometimes. I can go days without talking to anyone. I go days without having any real genuine conversations. And I think this is what is slowly killing me, day by day. 

I don't feel like my life is real. I sometimes don't feel real at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and waiting. Waiting for something, anything to happen. I don't feel like I am living my life at all. Which falls on me yes. I should go out. I should venture and do new things. I should explore, branch out, meet new people. Stop putting it off and just do it. 

Just do it.

But that's sometimes easier said than done, no? I mean how can I start living when sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it? Or I'm worth it? 

I just want to feel significant. Like I'm wanted. Instead I find myself trapped in these potential hopes and dreams, wishing for the day where I finally feel something. Losing hope each passing day and just struggling to go on. Putting one foot in front of another and just moving. Not really, truly living. Just hiding in the shadows in a way, all alone.