oh my mother.

I don't even have enough energy or headspace to fully write out my feelings at the moment and it also seems kind of useless cause i HIGHLY doubt anythings going to change. At least not anytime soon. I honestly don't know how or what needs to happen anymore to fix my relationship with my mother. Seriously we can't even have a regular conversation ever. She literally told me not more than 20 minutes ago that we should not talk. Literally just not say anything to each other. That is how my relationship with my mother has to be. 

How is that anything like a relationship? I can't even fully comprehend how much this hurts me. To not be able to have a relationship with my mother. To not even be able to have a regular conversation with her. There's so many lacking relationships already in my life and to not feel close with my family?! With my mother? 

I'm sure there is the obligatory love there and my mother "cares" for me but like what's obligatory love? Why should that have to be it? Why can't it be unconditional? Or better yet, why do I honestly feel like my mother hates me, or least can't love all of me. All I wanted to ask her was really, what is her problem with me? What about me is it that she hates so much? Or can't stand? Just tell me, just get it out. If you hate me just fucking say it because honestly that's what it feels like. 

I try not to think about it. Ever. In fact, it's probably the deepest part of my life I repress. I think i'd stop breathing if I truly comprehend how not feeling loved by my mother affects me. It comes out from time to time though. Like now as I am tearing up just writing this and still...my brain is not letting myself think about it wholeheartedly. Half my brain is still actively repressing and not allowing myself to really feel. I just can't. 

So instead, we don't talk. I try to say hi every now and again but I'm either met with silence or sometimes just a response with a 'why are you talking to me' tone. It also comes to the point where I feel that she is just purely disgusted with me. Can you imagine that? I know, I know there are people, daughters in the world with situations that are 1000x worst then mine but these are still my feelings. This is how I feel. Yes it can be subjective and completely how I perceive what is happening, but there is still a small truth to everything. Someone can't perceive something out of thin air. 

Today's conversation that turned into an argument in .05 seconds was her asking me where I parked my car (which she has never asked) - this was because she wanted to go to my cousins house. I made a joke saying 'what, you want me to move my car to save your parking spot so I risk losing mine?' (parking spots are so territoral in my neighborhood especially to my mother who hates our next door neighborhood) She immediately gets upset, and granted I was truly TRULY joking, with a light tone in my voice and smile on my face, but she gets upset immediately and states she can't even ask where I parked my car, etc. When I said relax I was kidding I wasn't being serious and she just stared at me for a minute getting madder and madder by the second until she was fuming. This was our fight, which spurred her to say I can never say anything correctly and we should not talk. This is also after a fight we had once where I did not flush the toilet which resulted in us not speaking for about two weeks and me being out of the house whenever she was home for about 3 days. 

This is my relationship with my mother.