I'm 24 years old. I still don't know who exactly I am. I'm still figuring myself out but, maybe...just maybe, i'm also starting to allow myself to really get to know myself. If that makes sense. Once again, like almost all my posts, especially my more recent ones, this is almost, if not all stream of consciousness and spurred/fueled by alcohol. Perhaps its the alcohol that allows my brain to not only get fuzzy but obviously it lowers my inhibition and allows me to be me. Uninhibited, free flowing thoughts, little to no defense mechanisms up me.
Anyway, I was going through my naomily tag (look it up- because it's everything I want to keep) and I thought to myself, why, why does this fictional television couple cause me so many feels? Is it because they weren't necessarily identified as "gay" characters from the beginning? Or they simply just were two people who connected and fell in love, who happened to be the same sex. Disclaimer- I have not seen any episodes of Skins (UK) but I have watched what I think is, every Naomi and Emily scene there is, so I think I got the gist or enough to completely fall in love with this couple. ANYWAY. (getting more wine-break)
No but really. I look through my tag of this couple and it makes me think, *every time* and question my sexuality. Which...I have been doing a lot lately. I would say in the past year or so. I blame tumblr.
No I don't, in fact I love tumblr. Yes it is a HUGE distraction but it's helping me slowly accept who I am and let me know on some levels that I'm not alone. But back to naomily-ish: (sorry for the jumping around - again all straight up stream of consciousness tonight)
Every time I re-watch scenes of this couple or see gifs/gif sets of them I think about how these two just love each other. They don't care about gender, they just connected, there was something just...there...and I...so desperately want to feel/have a connection like that. I don't care what gender. Now this has been a thought of mine for a while and I don't know if it's because of the overwhelming loneliness I feel...basically all the time, or if I'm really...gay? bisexual? Why put a label. I'm probably somewhere on the spectrum.
I remember when I was little, I was a complete and utter tomboy till, i don't know, end of middle school? Was that a sign? I remember my failed relationships with boys. Is it because I was a lesbian? That is the first time I wrote that word in reference to myself and...it felt a bit shocking. I don't really know exactly where I am going with all of this but all I know is that I've just been kinda questioning everything and thinking if I've denied myself all my life of who I really am. I mean, god knows I repress the shit out of every memory so much that I might as well be a gold medalist if they had repression as an olympic category. I was never a homophobe by any means when I was younger but I kinda always shy'd/stayed away from the subject of lesbians. But then thinking about it now I wonder did I really stay away? Or was I curious but on some level just wanted to protect myself from this taboo idea that made me not think more about the subject. -If that makes sense? Like I thought to myself if I pay more attention or if I thought more about lesbians, I'd become one? I mean I was totally fine with gay men and lesbians for the most part but I just wouldn't think more about it, like I blocked myself. Was I just denying myself? Was I scared? I mean I think that was probably a given, given the world I grew up in and because times were different then. It's becoming more and more of a norm to see lesbian relationships which is great and I fully support it.
But I also have this other thought of...is this a phase? Because I was, am, and probably always will be a "late-bloomer", is this my "college-experimental phase"? Probably? Maybe? But also maybe not. I don't know. That's why I don't want to categorize myself or attach a label but also still not totally comfortable saying anything...to anyone really. I mean there are probably hints here and there...but I'm still just trying to figure it all out. And when I don't know when I will have it all figured out. But also on the other hand I desperately wish I could confide in one of my friends because...this is just a really confusing time for me. I just want to feel like there's someone out there for me, to support me.
All I know, I guess is that I am open to a relationship with anyone, anyone I have a connection to, who I feel like I could genuinely be myself with, I would love that. Regardless of gender. But also...maybe I do want to have a relationship with a female. Maybe that is why I have often found myself drawn to a female? Whether that be a classmate or just celebrities? That I'm fascinated/more obsessed with females? But then that also leads me to wonder, is this a phase/just me obsessing over something again? Because I have found that I do that. I get on this kick of like a new tv show or new celebrity I like and just go on this obsession-fest. So is this just me obsessing about lesbianism? Who the fuck knows now. But...i think if I really dug deep within myself, i don't think its me obsessing.
This post is way too long, so i'm stopping.
