I feel like an outsider looking in to my own life. At least i felt like that after this weekend. I learned about that two of my friends started dating, well really that they've been dating for a while but just recently started telling people. Or me rather. I was the last too know, also last to know about my other friend going on a date with a mutual friend. I just felt, especially after this weekend that i wasn't as apart of the group anymore. I've had to sit out on a couple of weekends due to school work also just being too tired/wiped out from the week to venture out with the group. It might aslo be that i lack the freedom my other friends do when they go out, meaning i always have to be the early bird and make everyone leave early/end the night earlier than they would like. I've always felt guilt about this, having to leave early which also means having someone else drive me home, which coincides that almost everyone has to leave then too.
Anyway, i just felt a bit of inferiority towards this group of friends this week. I felt like i wasn't apart of them anymore and that i wouldn't get their insides jokes anymore or that they didn't bother to talk to me because i just wouldn't get it. I felt secluded which is a horrible feeling especially since i thought this group was pretty relaxed. This feeling made me look closer with my other friendships and i kinda realized i don't have a set group or a friend i felt completely comfortable with, one that i know i could always turn too. I've distance myself from two of whom were my closest friends a little while ago because i felt like they just didn't know me anymore. I've had this mantra to "never settle." I don't want to settle for something when i think i deserve more, or just to give in for whatever reason. I felt like because of this, i've cut ties a bit prematurely...in a way...especially I guess with some friendships. However I still feel like i made the right choice in some aspects.
I guess i'm just having a hard time connecting with people lately. Or that i'm just feeling incredibly lonely...not even in the sense of having an intimate relationship but just in terms of friendship. I feel awkward amongst the group of friends i thought would always be there for me, and it wasn't anything like that. However tonight i felt like that changed, i felt like something was different. It could quite possibly be just me and my own insecurities. In fact with one friend, i felt like she was constantly looking down on me and that i had to watch what i said around her because she would condescend me. If i were to think clearly i don't think this particular friend thinks she's better than me, but it does seem like we are very opposites and are only joined together because of mutual friends and we were sort of forced. However that feeling of her being better than me? thats probably rubbish, but I still sort of feel inferior to her, and that she has some kind of power on me. I guess it might be because she seems to spend more time in the group/developed closer relationships..but that's not it. I can't pinpoint it exactly at the moment because my mind is tired..but i guess the point is, i just felt inferior today and kinda alone, like i had no one on my side. I had no one i could turn to.
