depression? suicide attempt? driven to this by my mother?

I havent needed to write in here for a while. I guess because nothing has affected or driven me to the point that i reached today. I wanted to cut myself again today. I thought about committing suicide again today. which is the 2nd time i've thought about this. I remember clearly the other time when i thought about committing suicide. I wanted to suffocate myself. Today i thought about downing a bottle of pills...all of this and each time i make a slash on my arm has been driven because of my mother. I feel like im living in a glass house where i can show no emotion. Apparently i cannot be angry when i don't get what i want. I dont know how that makes sense. People get angry when they dont get what they want OBVIOUSLY! ?? WERE all human?! I can't be angry? I understand i need to let it go, however i cant get rid of my emotions right after the event has happen, my feelings dont just disappear mother fucker. So now, i am drinking a beer and tequila to stop my brain. however i'm writing in this because i feel like i should get my emotions out. I wanted to die today. I wanted to write a suicide note and let my mother know she drove me to that point. I was on the border of calling the suicide hotline today. I feel like i cant breathe in this house. I am forbidden to live my life. I feel like i will never get to do anything until i move out of this house and live on my own which unfortunately won't happen anytime soon because i barely have any money to pay for my grad school...which oh the tuition is due on a week and i still have no clue how i'm going to come up with 3000 dollars. I wanted to die today...i wanted to commit suicide but i wanted to be successful. I didn't want to fail. I dont think i could stand being locked up somewhere. Though i could definitely use the therapy. and its because my mother. I was thinking of all the scenarios that could play out..if i died today, how my family would feel, how they would react...i thought about the people i talked today, both family and not...what they would think after hearing i had taken my own life. Yes, i was driven to that point. I am being driven to the point. I thought about it, before i could find strong reasons to live...each time i've been driven to the point of suicide i try to think of something to live for...i use to be able too...today i couldnt. However I'm still here. I tried to shut my brain off and not think about my feelings and the hurt i was feeling. the pain...except i'm bringing it all back now. Today I wasn't successful in attempting suicide but who knows, maybe one day i will and i would love for someone i knew to finally find this blog and read the words i felt, because these are my thoughts and feelings with no filter. This is who i am. I am a cutter and someone who thinks of committing suicide. No one in my life knows that. I have scars on my left hand and I don't know anyone in my life who has noticed them, nor has anyone asked me about them...ever. I wanted to write my suicide note and let all my feelings out. I wanted to let my mother know how much her words her actions have affected me and have driven me to the point where i wanted to take my own life. After I was gone i don't want my mother to feel sad or feel blame for my death, i'm not malicious to that point however i want her to know, in a way i only know how, how she has affected me. How much I am damaged because of her. How the lack of communication and our relationship has hurt me so much to the point where i am so incredibly damaged and how tears are so easily able to flow out of me because i need to surpress my emotions almost every minute of the hour in this house. This is killing my buzz. i wrote what i need to. I need someone I can talk to...and be completely honest too. I want someone I can turn to and make me feel better.