A Song for the both of us.

I always played you songs to say
What I never could
Other people say it better
Say it better than I would
But for every word left unsaid
I thought you understood

It was easier to kiss you
Than to tell you how I feel
Oh and I don't want to lose you
But you can't see that through your tears
You're saying that I hurt you
But I had no idea

I'm doing my best to make it
To make it
But you don't believe
Believe that I am

Just cause you say it's so
Doesn't make it so
Singing I don't show
What I'm feeling for you
I'd rather shut my mouth
Than spell it out
There's no doubt
When it's written all over my face
What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want when it's written all over my face
If you want we can talk about it all day
But what's to say when it's written all over my face

You're not one of my boys
You can't get inside my mind
I'm not one of your girlfriends
Who's gonna see it from your side
What you lay on the table
Well I choose to keep inside

I'm doing my best to make it
To make it
But you don't believe
Believe that I am

Just cause you say it's so
Doesn't make it so
Singing I don't show
What I'm feeling for you
I'd rather shut my mouth
Than spell it out
There's no doubt
When it's written all over my face
What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want, when it's written all over my face
If you want we can talk about it all day
But what's to say when it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face

There's nothing wrong but communication
It's just a problem of our own creation
Sometimes love gets lost in translation

What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want when it's written all over my face
If you want we could talk about it all day
But what's to say
When it's written all over my face
All over my face
All over my face
When it's written all over my face
All over my face

There's nothing wrong but communication
It's just a problem of our own creation
Sometimes love gets lost in translation

-Written All Over My Face - Kris Allen

Everything around me

It seems like today is one of those days were i realized that almost everyone around me has some sort of significant other by their side. It seems like everyone is in a relationship right now. This all might sound narrow minded or cynical, not everyone i know is in a relationship and they might not all even be happy...but that's where i'm at right now. I left off in my previous blog about feeling lonely and its come bubbling up to the top once again. It also doesn't help that there's a fair share of people around me in relationships.
They say great things happen when you least expect it, which is probably true. It is a saying after all, it had to come from somewhere. I guess that hasn't happen to me yet, and I kinda hope it happens to me soon. However I guess that defeats the purpose of the saying because my hope is me expecting it. Guess I screwed that chance of something great happening to me up.
I've also heard about how your suppose to act like your not suppose to care about the person you like. You're suppose to act nonchalant and not show that you like this person, maybe even sometimes treating this person like crap. All for this person to come to you and start realizing they like you. It is me or is that all just a load of shit? How backwards is that thinking? Treat someone like shit so they like you? Ignore them so they notice you? This obviously works for some people because its obvious that word has gone around that this tactic works. Maybe i'm old fashion but i believe in flirting and telling the person you have feelings for them...maybe that's where i've been wrong. All this time im suppose to be ignoring and not being upfront. I figured it out....
hopefully you can tell this is sarcasm.

I've also been closer and closer to telling people the link to this blog. On one hand it just seems easier to tell the people who actually care or at least the ones i care enough to be truthful and honest with, the low down of whats been going on in my life. It seems like the easiest way to let those people know just exactly what's been going on in my head for the past couple of months. This blog has and hopefully will always be my outlet where i can let my feelings out openly and honestly. Which is also part of the flip side of me hesitating on letting this blog go public, as in terms of those who know me. This is the place where i can openly talk about anything and everything on my mind. I don't have a filter here and have to be afraid of what i say. No one's reading this blog....that I know of. This blog is just for me.

Also, i hate feeling like i'm being lied too. In fact I know i'm being lied to because the evidence is right in front of me. I don't like being played and being taken for as a fool. I'm not a fool. Don't burn me. I'm a strong headed person, i know this. I don't really take shit from people and have the mindset in where you cross me once I don't care about you anymore. I don't tolerate people hurting me and i'm quick to cut people. Most people at least. I do have trouble with the mindset, especially lately. I've been hesitant to cut a certain someone from my life recently whose hurt me, but i just can't seem to let go..at least not fully. I've been coming more and more distant with this person and been caring less and less. I haven't let go completely yet and even letting go little by little sucks and hurts. And i cant remember the last time letting someone go hurt me. I guess that says something...

late night...courage

You know one thing i have come to learn is that i hate after a night of going out to drink and have a good time with your friends, once you stop drinking and are on your way home you start to lose the buzz you've had. That's where i'm at now. I went out today and honestly, i really just went out to drink and be around two people out of a group of people who came out. I wanted to drink and I wanted to be around a guy that when we were coworkers use to have innocent flirting sessions. After the situation I have been in with the guy that i truly like and maybe even love, i've just been wanting to find a distraction from that. I wanted to find someone who could take my mind off of the feelings i had for this said person. Tonight i had that opportunity and to be honest, if the cards were laid out, i would have went after it. The main point however is that i hate losing the feeling of being drunk, wasted, tipsy or however you may want to call it. I like the feeling after I've had a couple of drinks just because I'm able to become more loose and not care about what people think of me. I become much more relax and at ease with myself. I tend to be able to say things with the hesitation i would normally have. That's why i hate when this feeling goes away. I want to be able to not have the hesitation to say certain things to certain people, but i do. I do have that frightfulness of being saying what i want, at least when it comes to certain things. I understand the saying 'liquid courage' now because i do become more courageous when i have engulfed some liquor in me.

I've waited to long since my last post to post another entry. It's already a new year, but to be honest, i haven't really needed an outlet to express my feelings. At least, I haven't had the need to express my emotions to the extent of posting a blog. That might sound bad but really, its basically just me saying, I haven't come across some major emotional breakdown or revelation that i needed to get out and express in my blog. I mean, there have been times where i've wanted to write down whats been going on in my head, but i've always pushed it back, and for reasons i don't even know. Maybe because i didnt really see the importance of making an entry for it, but that shouldn't really matter because I actually haven't given any of the people i know the link for this blog yet. So they wouldn't even read these entries...yet. I haven't gain the comfort-ness, or courage to put this blog out on the open. I also hate the word blog, just because it sounds...so blah. "I have a blog, i write important things on it,this is my voice blah blah..." To me, the word just sounds too..uptight and high class, like i'm better then most people because i created a blog, but really, this is just my outlet for writings. I like to write and this is the way to do it and a way to let people read my writings, thats all. So...this is the long awaited blog, first of 2010 and to be honest, i wish it was a little more insightful but this is where i am at right now. Maybe i'll write tomorrow to make up for this slighty tipsy entry. Something to leave off with....i'm tired of being lonely.