late night...courage

You know one thing i have come to learn is that i hate after a night of going out to drink and have a good time with your friends, once you stop drinking and are on your way home you start to lose the buzz you've had. That's where i'm at now. I went out today and honestly, i really just went out to drink and be around two people out of a group of people who came out. I wanted to drink and I wanted to be around a guy that when we were coworkers use to have innocent flirting sessions. After the situation I have been in with the guy that i truly like and maybe even love, i've just been wanting to find a distraction from that. I wanted to find someone who could take my mind off of the feelings i had for this said person. Tonight i had that opportunity and to be honest, if the cards were laid out, i would have went after it. The main point however is that i hate losing the feeling of being drunk, wasted, tipsy or however you may want to call it. I like the feeling after I've had a couple of drinks just because I'm able to become more loose and not care about what people think of me. I become much more relax and at ease with myself. I tend to be able to say things with the hesitation i would normally have. That's why i hate when this feeling goes away. I want to be able to not have the hesitation to say certain things to certain people, but i do. I do have that frightfulness of being saying what i want, at least when it comes to certain things. I understand the saying 'liquid courage' now because i do become more courageous when i have engulfed some liquor in me.

I've waited to long since my last post to post another entry. It's already a new year, but to be honest, i haven't really needed an outlet to express my feelings. At least, I haven't had the need to express my emotions to the extent of posting a blog. That might sound bad but really, its basically just me saying, I haven't come across some major emotional breakdown or revelation that i needed to get out and express in my blog. I mean, there have been times where i've wanted to write down whats been going on in my head, but i've always pushed it back, and for reasons i don't even know. Maybe because i didnt really see the importance of making an entry for it, but that shouldn't really matter because I actually haven't given any of the people i know the link for this blog yet. So they wouldn't even read these entries...yet. I haven't gain the comfort-ness, or courage to put this blog out on the open. I also hate the word blog, just because it sounds...so blah. "I have a blog, i write important things on it,this is my voice blah blah..." To me, the word just sounds too..uptight and high class, like i'm better then most people because i created a blog, but really, this is just my outlet for writings. I like to write and this is the way to do it and a way to let people read my writings, thats all. So...this is the long awaited blog, first of 2010 and to be honest, i wish it was a little more insightful but this is where i am at right now. Maybe i'll write tomorrow to make up for this slighty tipsy entry. Something to leave off with....i'm tired of being lonely.