stream of consciousness/before panic attack

I don't know if it's because I may be pmsing or a combination of that with a bad day of work, end of the semester shit piling up and/or financial issues but I honestly felt like I was on the verge of having a panic or anxiety attack. I felt/feel my skin buzzing, I couldn't/wouldn't let myself think of a singular thought for too long. My mind felt eerily calm/clear yet also racing. I felt/feel like I'm battling within myself on letting go and having a full fledge panic attack and trying to calm myself down or not let myself think about any stressors and repress the shit out of it like I fucking normally do. In fact in order to fucking distract myself yet not totally lose it I decided to watch epically sad clips of Lea Michele talking about losing Cory and clips of the glee tribute episode and cried it out. I mean it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around him passing but...this isn't what I was thinking about two hours ago or what this is all even about. Again this is/was my way of fucking distracting myself and letting myself feel/express these emotions or to cry it out yet not do it because I was actually thinking of my situation or stressors...I was thinking about something and someone else's pain. 

It's so hard for me to focus on my stressors without feeling so totally overwhelmed which I think is what happened to me earlier. I was thinking of *little* things I need to finish as this semester ends, i.e. a paper and studying for a final but then that also leads into I have one more semester left. I have one more semester left until I have my masters and is "suppose" to have my life fucking figured out. I'm suppose to finally get a real life job and start doing what I've spent the last 7 years of my life studying. And that is fucking...scary. I feel myself start to hyperventilate a little bit just writing it and semi thinking about it at this very moment.  I can't allow myself to think about it fully because...I think I would just lose it. I don't know how I would handle it. I don't feel prepared. I feel like I would completely fall apart and just keep falling. I imagine just a deep, deep black hole and me completely free falling into a dark abyss of nothing. No control. No idea what's going to happen next. And I feel like throwing up as I write that and kinda picture that. I can't breathe. I'm having trouble. 

Then I think about how I'm gonna survive. How am I going to pay for this, for that? I think about how I should have saved better. I shouldn't have lived my life so frivolously. But then think, I haven't really. I feel like I haven't really lived. I haven't experienced anything really. I've spent the better part of these past 7 years with my head down and following a routine. I'm no longer gonna have that. I don't see my next steps and that is so so so frightening for me. Again I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle it. I'm not handling it right now thats for damn sure. I keep putting things off. Avoid, repress. That is and has been my mantra. But it can't anymore or else I am for surely going to fail. I can't fail. 

Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if my life would just stop. End. I wouldn't have to deal with what comes next. This would just be my final chapter. I wouldn't necessarily have to work and by work I mean just deal with what comes next because I don't think I can, which I equate to hard fucking work. 

I just don't know. 

This felt like a day I need to call an emergency or just any friend I could truly talk to about this. Then I realized...I can't. I can't really pinpoint who I could go to with this. There in laid a whole bunch of issues and stressors as well and basically a reminder to myself how truly alone I do feel. There wasn't anyone I could really call. There wasn't anyone I could really talk to or kinda entrust would make me feel better. Not that, that should be their responsibility but it would be kinda nice, right? I thought about the various ppl in my life and...kinda just nothing. I mean I think they would all listen for the most part...but that's if I let them. Is there someone in my life where I would really let my entire guard down and let them know the inner workings of my dark mind and see all my twists and turns in thoughts? Would I let someone know how low my self-esteem is or just how weak I could be? I don't know. I don't think so. So what's the point. I guess...there might not be?  I don't know. I really just don't know anymore. I couldn't even go on tumblr and just start scrolling through my dashboard cause I felt...guilty or like I just couldn't do it. I felt like I should deal with my emotions/stressors on one hand but on the other I just...didn't know how or couldn't do it. 

I'm shutting myself off now...again...I have no more thoughts. All I keep thinking is I don't know. And I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself once I end this blog and post it...

I tried making a list of what I need to get done...which, after writing it didn't make me feel completely overwhelmed but still. Still what, I don't know. I didn't do any thing. I tried crossing some things off my list but it just didn't happen. So I'll have to wait till tomorrow...and I afraid I'll start to feel panic again and I'm gonna have to go through this whole thing again. I really don't want that to happen. So then there's the fear that I'll avoid doing anything to avoid this fear/panic. I really am a piece of work. 

Yea....it's becoming to be a really...really bad, emotional day for me.

oh my mother.

I don't even have enough energy or headspace to fully write out my feelings at the moment and it also seems kind of useless cause i HIGHLY doubt anythings going to change. At least not anytime soon. I honestly don't know how or what needs to happen anymore to fix my relationship with my mother. Seriously we can't even have a regular conversation ever. She literally told me not more than 20 minutes ago that we should not talk. Literally just not say anything to each other. That is how my relationship with my mother has to be. 

How is that anything like a relationship? I can't even fully comprehend how much this hurts me. To not be able to have a relationship with my mother. To not even be able to have a regular conversation with her. There's so many lacking relationships already in my life and to not feel close with my family?! With my mother? 

I'm sure there is the obligatory love there and my mother "cares" for me but like what's obligatory love? Why should that have to be it? Why can't it be unconditional? Or better yet, why do I honestly feel like my mother hates me, or least can't love all of me. All I wanted to ask her was really, what is her problem with me? What about me is it that she hates so much? Or can't stand? Just tell me, just get it out. If you hate me just fucking say it because honestly that's what it feels like. 

I try not to think about it. Ever. In fact, it's probably the deepest part of my life I repress. I think i'd stop breathing if I truly comprehend how not feeling loved by my mother affects me. It comes out from time to time though. Like now as I am tearing up just writing this and still...my brain is not letting myself think about it wholeheartedly. Half my brain is still actively repressing and not allowing myself to really feel. I just can't. 

So instead, we don't talk. I try to say hi every now and again but I'm either met with silence or sometimes just a response with a 'why are you talking to me' tone. It also comes to the point where I feel that she is just purely disgusted with me. Can you imagine that? I know, I know there are people, daughters in the world with situations that are 1000x worst then mine but these are still my feelings. This is how I feel. Yes it can be subjective and completely how I perceive what is happening, but there is still a small truth to everything. Someone can't perceive something out of thin air. 

Today's conversation that turned into an argument in .05 seconds was her asking me where I parked my car (which she has never asked) - this was because she wanted to go to my cousins house. I made a joke saying 'what, you want me to move my car to save your parking spot so I risk losing mine?' (parking spots are so territoral in my neighborhood especially to my mother who hates our next door neighborhood) She immediately gets upset, and granted I was truly TRULY joking, with a light tone in my voice and smile on my face, but she gets upset immediately and states she can't even ask where I parked my car, etc. When I said relax I was kidding I wasn't being serious and she just stared at me for a minute getting madder and madder by the second until she was fuming. This was our fight, which spurred her to say I can never say anything correctly and we should not talk. This is also after a fight we had once where I did not flush the toilet which resulted in us not speaking for about two weeks and me being out of the house whenever she was home for about 3 days. 

This is my relationship with my mother. 

I feel like I'm slipping...

I feel like I'm slipping, like I have no weight in the world. I feel like there's nothing holding me in the world anymore. Maybe it's because I don't feel validated? Though that sounds so completely selfish or self centered but who cares right? No one's reading this blog. 

I just feel like I have no ties to anything anymore. I don't feel significant. I feel as though, if I left this world right now...it wouldn't be a big deal. There wouldn't be any significant damage. I don't feel close to anyone anyway.  

I have these thoughts sometimes. I'm actually almost certain no one could ever imagine, at least not those who know me in my day-to-day life would know how dark my mind goes sometimes. I have thoughts that, what if I was just gone one day, what would the people in my life think? What if I actually succeeded one day and committed suicide? What would they think? Would they ever believe that someone like me was capable of that? Or even had thoughts of hurting myself in my mind? That I was pushed to that point. Do my friends or family actually know the pain I go through sometimes? No. Of course not. Because I keep it hidden and they don't see. 

They don't see. 

I keep it hidden. Just like I keep hidden my real feelings sometimes. I don't tell people easily when I feel hurt or in pain or maybe even really genuinely happy sometimes. Mostly hurt though. I feel left out constantly. I feel like I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't feel significant in my family. I don't feel like my friends actually appreciate me or genuinely want to hang out with me sometimes. I can go days without talking to anyone. I go days without having any real genuine conversations. And I think this is what is slowly killing me, day by day. 

I don't feel like my life is real. I sometimes don't feel real at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and waiting. Waiting for something, anything to happen. I don't feel like I am living my life at all. Which falls on me yes. I should go out. I should venture and do new things. I should explore, branch out, meet new people. Stop putting it off and just do it. 

Just do it.

But that's sometimes easier said than done, no? I mean how can I start living when sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it? Or I'm worth it? 

I just want to feel significant. Like I'm wanted. Instead I find myself trapped in these potential hopes and dreams, wishing for the day where I finally feel something. Losing hope each passing day and just struggling to go on. Putting one foot in front of another and just moving. Not really, truly living. Just hiding in the shadows in a way, all alone. 

I don't know anymore

I'm drinking shiraz...so there's that. And also I've just been having...long days lately. Not very stressful in terms of school/work wise but more personal...and just me in my own head, as per usual.

I don't think there's much of a point to this blog post but just...needed to get things out I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Am I just so fucked up that I ultimately need to ruin everything I have? Like I have to self-destruct...I just have to...because I'm so afraid of success but also don't want to fail? I'm a middle ground person you see. But yet, I know I can't be satisfied with that, or at least I think I can't be. I shouldn't be. What the fuck am I doing. Can anyone answer me that? No course not, because no one reads this blog. Least I don't think, yet the "view" counts tell me otherwise. Unless it's a glitch...which I honestly believe that is the cast. I have a hard time believing that, that isn't the case. Prove me wrong someone. Anyone out there in the universe that SOMEHOW stumbled upon this blog and actually reads it, comment. Please. Anonymous is you please, i don't care. I just...sometimes need to know that I'm not alone out there maybe. Or that...my thoughts count. My feelings count. Cause honestly? -Sometimes it just feels like it's just me, that I am totally and utterly alone. I have no one really in my corner...and if ppl say that, I have a very hard time believing them. It's not one of my best qualities. Chalk it up to horrible self-esteem due to childhood.

Honestly...all I ever want in this world is for someone to get me. I just wish i had ONE person in my life that I felt I connected to...wholeheartedly. Whether just to be fucking friends or in a relationship with them, cause honestly...that's all I crave right now. Just...some fucking...connection. Not even physically but just emotionally...mentally...something. Just something...or someone.

I find myself looking through my 'wiw' (what-i-want) tags on my tumblr's which...just makes the ache in me stronger because I still have not found that. I still have not felt that connection with someone. Least I don't think. There was a glimmer in the past, but right now, that's all it was. Could it be more? Possibly. Who the fuck knows. Also why the fuck do I still have thoughts/feelings for the kid who has a gf...i can't help but STILL long for him and WISH that it worked out. Honestly, i really feel that if that happened my life would be close to be complete at this point.

I've said it once before and I'll say it again. One of my biggest fears is that I will never ever get to experience love. I'll never know what it feels like to be utterly and completely IN LOVE with a person. I won't find myself pinching myself thinking i'm the luckiest girl in the world that I am with this person, or want nothing but to make the other person happy, or love all the quirks they hate, to be completely and utterly distracted by them constantly, find myself daydreaming about them, feeling safe when I am around them, can't take my eyes off of them, to be someone's safe haven.

I don't know anymore...

Please...heart attack it's complicated

Please by Bethany Joy Lenz

If you’re in love with me

why dont you show me

If you can’t live without holding me then hold me

I have been ignored and abused and rejected so it’s time you told me

if this is what it is then it is not 

anything for me

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

I get so tired of scratching

scratching at your door

You push me out, then let me in

then you push me out all over again 

With you I have been so exposed,

unprotected, and you’ve never known me

Is it me that you need?

Or is the need simply to own me? 

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack

Never put my love out on the line

Never said yes to the right guy

Never had trouble getting what I want

But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough

When I don’t care

I can play ‘em like a Ken doll

Won’t wash my hair

Then make 'em bounce like a basketball

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear high heels

Yes, you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair

Pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air

It feels so good, but you know it hurts

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear perfume

For you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

The feelings are lost in my lungs

They’re burning, I’d rather be numb

And there’s no one else to blame

So scared I take off in a run

I’m flying too close to the sun

And I burst into flames

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x5]

I'm a fucking complicated broad.

Stranger

My "Boyfriend" shouldn't feel like a stranger... That's probably a bad sign huh? And the "quotations" probably don't help. But I guess...like I might have mentioned before, I didn't feel a real difference when we decided to make it "official" I didn't get a leap of joy or any rush of emotions like..."finally! this is just what I wanted!" Even though just a few months back thats what I thought I wanted. Now...I'm just confused. Sorta. Maybe I'm just not suppose to be with him. Or...guys. .........Right? I don't know. How is anyone suppose to know? -Also two posts within an hour? Guess its serious. Or the booze.

I don't feel it

I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't feel like i'm in a relationship. I can't help compare my feelings to the butterflies I once had, whether it was with him or with that time in my life I still look back on and yearn for. I don't feel passion. I don't feel anything really. Maybe contempt...or anger...annoyance mostly. It's almost like I'm empty. What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel things anymore? Why don't I feel them for him? What changed between a few months? Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I don't know what to think anymore...was that love? is this not right?

I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind...well two, but one I'm willing to admit and write here is that I've been wanting to go back and read this specific post I made on this blog. I remember the post pretty clearly, I believed it was one of the first times I felt I ever felt love...or that i was in love. (The specific post i'm talking about is here ) Currently...I'm in a relationship I thought I wanted. I went back and forth for months about wanting J...whether it was legit feelings or just out of loneliness. I went with legit feelings because...how could I not? I thought there were clear signs. I mean the thought of him wasn't going away after MONTHs, but also there were times where something happened in my day and I wanted to tell him. That was something right? At least I thought. We sorta took our time to get back into the swing of things again...really communicating and talking pretty open and honestly about how we felt and where we were. I was enjoying that and finally felt like, fuck it just go for it. Let's stop wasting time and just give this another shot. Third time's a charm right? And yet now...here I am thinking about...a past love? Or at least the past post about love I made...about someone else. Who, for the most part I can say is basically like my best friend...who happens to be a guy and who I have a long history with...see blogposts from the beginning of this blog till about i dont know a year or two into the blog? Most of the posts were about him. Let's just call him T for argument sake. But anyway, T is definitely one of the few human beings I've ever felt completely knows me and who I never really have to filter myself with. I can and usually am my complete self with him. He almost always knows exactly what to say or what I need to say when I'm in a state of crisis or just in everyday situations. He knows me. I know him. We have a great rapport and just friendship. There are times I tell him things I wouldn't normally tell other people because I know he'll make me feel better or I know I can just say whatever the fuck I want to him and his thoughts about me won't change. The thing is...I find myself wanting to tell him or go to him about certain things than my bf at the moment. My bf of like a week (minus all the said "history"-its complicated, I'm sorry) But there's a certain comfort level with T, a certain way we talk to each other. I don't have that with J and...it's making me worried. I sooo so want to have this level of comfort with J. Perhaps maybe it takes time? I mean J and I were friends since fucking elementary school with a small break from after hs to post college. Which...I would actually categorize as really my formative years. That time period from after hs to college to now, post college, in grad school, I definitely changed a tremendous amount. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. or even maybe 5 years ago. I just don't know. I wanted this relationship. Three weeks ago I was all "just fucking go for it" and stop over fucking analyzing or worrying. Just give it a try. You want it. Yet...here I am. I didn't feel any different after we made it "official" or have any sort of revelation or relief that yes, I got what I wanted. I think I was sort of numb and waiting for it to hit me or for me to process it. But...I don't think that has happened yet. What has happened is that I'm constantly now thinking, did i make the right decision? Shouldn't I feel different? Shouldn't I want to hang out with him? Shouldn't I talk to him about this that and the other thing? He should be my best friend right? That's what I wanted. That is what I wanted to work towards but...I just jumped the gun cause I thought it'll happen...or I hoped it would. I guess it's just not happening as fast as I would like? So why am I comparing him to T. Why am I constantly overthinking everything? Why are things still a little awkward? I also don't feel...the fiery passion anymore. Maybe he isn't the one? Or maybe...I'm not who I thought I am. Maybe I'm different... ...there's been a second nagging thought in my head for sometime now...though...unfortunately, I don't think I'm ready to...admit. Or put it out there other than having it in my own head. Where its still sort of safe. Though I guess if anyone is looking really close they'll know... I think.

I need advice

SO...I legitimately need to speak to someone. Someone who isn't my friend at the moment but whose been in a relationship. I need all the help I can get from those with possibility more experience in this area. You see, I've had this question on my mind for ages...How do you know that person is the one? Is there bells ringing? Or lights flashing? Some sort of huge sign that lets you know, yes this is the one for you. Because anything else, the whole "you just know" bullshit...i don't believe anymore. I dont fricking know. How would I if i never felt it before? Also I don't like to leave anything up to chance. Also I need to be realistic and get rid of some of those fairy tale dreams I once had about love due to the fucking movies and books I read growing up. I need to stop holding out for perfection or the "notebook-esque" love story. It's not going to happen. I mean really. This world is skewed. On one side as girls we're shown these "epic" love stories, girl finding her prince, her one true love, her 'noah calhoun' perhaps. These expectations of these epic love stories are ingrained in us from the beginning. Girl needs a boy to be happy. Love is this AMAZING feeling and will always prevail anything else. But then...we grow up. Or we are told: 'No, actually those love stories don't really exist and if they do it's because they're the exception." So what the fuck do I believe? As someone whose never been in love, how am I ever going to "know" ??? I thought I knew before...but that didn't last/work. Where my standards to high? Was my guard up too high? Most recently I had a person in my head and was so sure I was ready to get back into a relationship and get into it with this particular guy. I thought about him constantly for months but never really knew for sure if I could ever get that relationship back. Cut to a few months later of me agonizing whether these feelings/thoughts I were having were legit and not out of loneliness, the relationship came back. But guess what my fucked up head does? I don't feel those feelings anymore. Why is it that once I get something I thought I wanted I no longer want it? I guess I'm suffering from the 'you only want what you can't have' mentality. Which is sick. And stupid. And fucking plain annoying. Why can't I just be with this person. He's a great guy, likes me, cares for me, listens to all my fucking shit. Yet...there are times where I just don't want to hang out with him, or I don't find what he says funny. The level of comfort I wish was there isn't. -Rather I don't feel like he's my best friend. I can't talk to him like I can with my other friends. I also don't feel the butterflies I did once before, or passion when we kiss. Maybe today was just a off day? But shouldn't I want to hang out with him all the time? Shouldn't I want to talk to him more than I do? Shouldn't there be a level of comfort there already? Given the fact we have such a long history? Why does it feel like we don't really connect on a level. I don't get it. I sure can use someone to talk to about this. Unfiltered.

Damn it.

Decided to listen to my "reminder" playlist-something I made back in the day when I was dealing with what happened with my previous relationship and all the songs that reminded me of the breakup and me moving on. This damn song comes along. All I keep thinking is damn it. I've also been listening to Selena Gomez's new song "Come and Get It" a lot. A. Lot. But this current song is making me feel...all the feels. Gavin DeGraw & Colbie Caillat – We Both Know Gavin DeGraw: They all say it, all the ones who made it Once you find the one you claim it But you’re gonna have to fight Colbie Caillat: When I think back, the things that threw us off track We handle like a heart attack cause we didn’t see the light Uh-uh-uh and I Chorus [Gavin DeGraw and Colbie Caillat]: We both know our own limitations That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know Gavin DeGraw: From this moment, forget what we were scared of Say you’re never giving up Say you’ll always try to be my helping hand Try to be the one who understands When things don’t go as you planned We’re still worth it all Uh-uh-uh and I Chorus [Gavin DeGraw and Colbie Caillat]: We both know our own limitations That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know What we’re scared of What we’re scared of And what dreams are made of They could take us further than what anybody can see, yeah We both know our own limitations And That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, We both know our own limitations And That’s why we’re strong Now when we sṗend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know We both know

Do I...?

So...it's probably not a good idea/appropriate if I said "hey...I think I might love you. I might wanna try this again. For real this time." That/this would come off out of the blue...probably. But what do you think would happen after having one of your best girlfriends basically punch this out of you. I mean it's not like you haven't been having these thoughts in your head for weeks already! Maybe even months! Like what the fuck are you suppose to do? I already feel like I'm wasting my time/youth. Why not just go for it? Just fucking. Go. For. It. Like honestly. We never really gave it a shot before. First time around you were ready/able to fully commit. And second time around I was still hurt and carrying a whoollle lot of baggage from the first time. So now what? I may be ready. Or as ready as I may be and you? I don't know. But now do I find out unless I just fucking go for it. Just go for it. Cause I don't know what love is yet. I may never know until I try. And that is potentially where you come in. Right? Ugh. I don't fucking know. All I know is I think about you. I wanna talk to you and I want you in my life always. I don't want you ever to not be in my life. Or a regret, in that we never really have it a fucking full shot. God dang it.

cherry on top

and just to be scolded by my father who just got home, saying "that's just how I am." really? Dad. Really? That's just how I am. You weren't there. I took a chance right now, to open up to you and basically kinda vent. But no...i'm left once again in tears. I'm upset and crying once again at this stupid problem that took place hours ago that i've been trying to forget...or maybe not so helpful, drink away that problem. Though...here I am, just crying again over it. It seems like a daily battle just keeping my emotions in check and not becoming "overly" involved, or making sure a "chord" doesn't get struck within me and the water works just happen. Because that has happend. I repress, or just don't get a chance to work out what is happening to me so it gets released during other times, almost uncontrollably so. Ugh.

I can only take so much

I'm sorry. A person can only take so much. Seriously. I know its coming closer and closer to the time where I really need to go speak to someone. Given that I am in the counseling field, I realize this. I can only take so much and I can only hold things in for so long before it starts to effect my life. I can already see signs that it is. Like honestly. My biggest issue or baggage or whatever you want to call it, qualm, in my life right now is my relationship with my mother. Seriously, and I am not making or adding anything into this but she LITERALLY yelled at me because I Raised my voice and yelled at my dog. I yelled at my dog because I was eating dinner and she was whining because she wanted some food from my plate. This was after it had taken me an hour in what normally takes me 20 minutes to get home from a full day of internship, work and school. And it was snowing, therefore the mta was slow as molasses. Which was essentially why I was annoyed/upset. And therefore, and admittedly wrongfully so taken out on an innocent bystander, my dog. However this proceeded to my mother coming down the stairs and getting upset that I yelled at the dog and pick a fight with me. And when I voiced that I didn't understand why she was getting mad and didn't understand why I was getting yelled it, it just escalated. It somehow turned into me getting into a fight with my mother because I was mad that she did not pick me up from school, though I repeatedly told her that was not the case. My voice proceeded to rise as I got more and more upset by just the nature that this somehow was escalated into a fucking full on fight with my mother once again. When not a month or so ago we got into another huge fight in which I basically stayed out of the house and avoided her like the plague for three days and did not talk to her for weeks. And for the life of me I can't remember what for, but I don't even want to think about that last fight because of this shit that happened today. Which honestly, was the stupidest shit in the entire world. I WAS MAD AT THE MTA. I WAS ANNOYED. JUST GENERALLY ANNOYED. NOT DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE! But apparently I was not allowed to be mad. As my mother said what's the point of getting mad? What was that going to do? I needed to control my anger. -Again her words to me. Oh and also I only yelled at my dog because I knew it would get HER upset and then we would get into a fight. Because I wanted that. Everyday I come and I WANT to pick a fight. When not TWO days ago I tried to fucking start a conversation, normal as much as I could muster, during dinner. And Had to POINT out to my mother I was trying to have a NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HER. Because her tone immediately showcased her annoyance that GOD FORBID I WAS ASKING A QUESTION. Like seriously. I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right in my house. I can't be who I am. I can't be mad. I can't be happy. I can't do anything. If i open my mouth or god forbid express my feelings I'm SHUNNED. or scolded because "it's wrong." Like today. Why should i need to be mad? What was the point? Can I NOT BE MAD? And when I try to explain myself, and honestly, say what was bothering me, it doesn't matter. My mother needs to have the last word. It's my fault. I can say sorry and everything, but it honestly doesn't matter. She was done with the conversation, said she could never talk to me because this happens. She doesn't want to talk to me because we get into a fight EVERY TIME. And left. And I TRIED. I Did, when i started to see this escalate into a fight, I tried to just stop. I apologized, said I was sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at the dog and proceeded to just continue to watch tv and eat my dinner but that didn't work. My mother stood in silence for about 2 minutes and then proceeded to start again. She couldn't let it go. She maybe couldn't admit she was wrong that she didn't have to yell at me but could NEVER EVER FUCKING admit that. She put it on me. She has NEVER NEVER said she was sorry FOR ANYTHING. It has always and will probably ALWAYS be my fault. Can you just imagine how that feels for me? This has been YEARS. This is how it has been and how I felt for years. I cut myself because of her. I have thought about killing myself because of her and these feelings. The thought crossed my head again today after this fight. Because it seems useless. I can change myself. But I can't change her. And what would be the point? I can become aware of my own stuff which I will do and try to work through it but...will it ever be enough? I already feel too stigmatized by her to ever feel like something would actually change. I can only hold onto these emotions for so long. It's not like I can express myself in my own home because my brother and father don't agree. They have just cough everything up to we can't get along. My relationship with my mother will always be bad, we should just not talk to each other. We CAN't talk to each other. This is the viewpoint of my brother and father. When I explained to my brother what happened his exact words was "You guys can't be alone in the house together." I'm sitting here writing this and tearing up and crying and holding in my tears because i don't know. What else can I do. Honestly. The amount of pain I feel almost seems indescribable. I know that's not the case, or there is someone out there that would understand but right now...it just hurts. It really just hurts.