I'm drinking shiraz...so there's that. And also I've just been having...long days lately. Not very stressful in terms of school/work wise but more personal...and just me in my own head, as per usual.
I don't think there's much of a point to this blog post but just...needed to get things out I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Am I just so fucked up that I ultimately need to ruin everything I have? Like I have to self-destruct...I just have to...because I'm so afraid of success but also don't want to fail? I'm a middle ground person you see. But yet, I know I can't be satisfied with that, or at least I think I can't be. I shouldn't be. What the fuck am I doing. Can anyone answer me that? No course not, because no one reads this blog. Least I don't think, yet the "view" counts tell me otherwise. Unless it's a glitch...which I honestly believe that is the cast. I have a hard time believing that, that isn't the case. Prove me wrong someone. Anyone out there in the universe that SOMEHOW stumbled upon this blog and actually reads it, comment. Please. Anonymous is you please, i don't care. I just...sometimes need to know that I'm not alone out there maybe. Or that...my thoughts count. My feelings count. Cause honestly? -Sometimes it just feels like it's just me, that I am totally and utterly alone. I have no one really in my corner...and if ppl say that, I have a very hard time believing them. It's not one of my best qualities. Chalk it up to horrible self-esteem due to childhood.
Honestly...all I ever want in this world is for someone to get me. I just wish i had ONE person in my life that I felt I connected to...wholeheartedly. Whether just to be fucking friends or in a relationship with them, cause honestly...that's all I crave right now. Just...some fucking...connection. Not even physically but just emotionally...mentally...something. Just something...or someone.
I find myself looking through my 'wiw' (what-i-want) tags on my tumblr's which...just makes the ache in me stronger because I still have not found that. I still have not felt that connection with someone. Least I don't think. There was a glimmer in the past, but right now, that's all it was. Could it be more? Possibly. Who the fuck knows. Also why the fuck do I still have thoughts/feelings for the kid who has a gf...i can't help but STILL long for him and WISH that it worked out. Honestly, i really feel that if that happened my life would be close to be complete at this point.
I've said it once before and I'll say it again. One of my biggest fears is that I will never ever get to experience love. I'll never know what it feels like to be utterly and completely IN LOVE with a person. I won't find myself pinching myself thinking i'm the luckiest girl in the world that I am with this person, or want nothing but to make the other person happy, or love all the quirks they hate, to be completely and utterly distracted by them constantly, find myself daydreaming about them, feeling safe when I am around them, can't take my eyes off of them, to be someone's safe haven.
I don't know anymore...
