continue from physical journal

I thought i'd continue here after writing in my physical journal for 2 reasons. both related to each other but 1. i'm getting old as fuck and can't write as tiny as i use to with the small lines in my journal. I need to get a big notebook, or regular size one for my journals - also i guess I don't really have that much of a need now to write as much as i would have to when i was younger, in school, or college/grad taking notes nd shit, but even actually thinking about it, in grad school and college i started using my laptop to type. oh fun times, past mems. i wish i can go back to school. i missed it and loved it. anyway 2nd point - with my inability to write neat in those tiny lines my words are sometimes 40% illegible so at least on this, i can definitely read all my words. I just hope this will live forever or that I will always have access to it when I feel the need to go down memory lane. Like I did tonight. or if ever want to share the post to someone, they can read it plain and simple.

But more importantly, what started it all tonight was that I wanted to go down memory lane and figure out "exactly" how long i've been struggling or questioning my sexuality/wanting to go to pride. Since it is the start of pride month and I've been feeling the love today. Maybe bc I follow a lot of queer ppl and queer content on my various social media blogs, (cause world is still pretty hateful - which is sad to realize - stupid uswnt article comments of ignorant ppl - thankfully i live in NY which is better than middle america or maybe asian, idk. all i've known is here so.) but it's the start of pride month and again as I think I've felt for the past few years that longing for wanting to be part of the events, go out to the festivals or events planned. But i dont. because i'm not "out" and I would feel like a fraud. even though i dont think maybe ppl would make me to feel that way, probably just happy to see more ppl maybe, but I still feel like I would be a fraud, because I'm not out. Though...maybe I'm not. because everyone's been through these struggles. maybe not everyone, but majority. Idk, maybe i'd find my community or feel like a sense of community. I mean, I have been more open/getting more open in the past years. I recently told another one of my friends about my feelings and being open about liking girls. So there's that. I also just purchased pride socks to wear. And will hopefully be getting the wild feminist pride shirt soon. Though even with that I think, will i really wear it? I mean I want to wear all these things but if i do, is that me coming out? Or will ppl think I'm just an ally? Hopefully the latter? until I come out? but maybe not. Probably not. but I don't know. One of the lessons i learned from Wilson, ppl don't give this as much thought as i am. because i'm putting everything through a scared filter. But i do feel myself becoming more accepting of myself. or, maybe i'm past that actually but just willing to share it with other ppl and just having that dialogue. As always I'm thinking in my head, just come out to my friend diane and jackie. Tell them the truth and be completely and 100% honest. because you've tainted it with others. You've, I've been needing to have an outlet where I can speak to my friends 100% honestly about these feelings so why would I lie, that would just make it harder for me again. Just thoughts. I'm sure if i do ever act on these feelings I'll write about them. Either here or physical journal. I'll make myself.

just an update, small tidbit

These past few days I can feel myself shutting down again, or closing myself off. Or feel myself getting close to that again. I'm realizing how small my inner circle is and maybe I need to expand it. Or that I hold a lot of stuff in, or just don't feel comfortable yet telling everyone anything. It's hard and challenging and I don't even think I'm making sense right now, but as always i'm just gonna write it all out and see what happens. Only this time, I'm not drunk, angry, or panic-y. Just...feeling. After girl's night out dinner two days ago with friends, or even just at the dinner I remember thinking how much I didn't care for the conversations we were having. This might have to do with me being fairly tipsy upon getting to dinner. Or just, I don't know. I was having drinks with another friend (c) beforehand, someone I've had a slight history with - (went on a few dates with - he liked me, i didn't really have feelings for him, probably because i'm gay and/or bi and/or just not feeling chemistry with him - or find him that attractive anymore) ANYWAY we're able to have great conversations when we're together and was having fun talking to him. Maybe bc I know he maybe still likes me, so he's attentive and really wants to get to know me? or that's just what I think. Anyway, I just remember, or think back now, and at the time of the dinner how we were able to have a great conversation. I wanted to know more about him, it was easy and carefree. Then cut to the gno dinner and I wasn't. It wasn't fun, easy or carefree. It was annoying and I almost didn't even want to be there. I was also asked why I was so secretive still, or hold back or don't share which led me into a passionate talk or what I thought was a passionate talk in hindsight, how I can be an open book (even though, I know, I know I'm not because I'm not open to my friends, or all my friends about my sexuality) but I have changed, I think. I'm not so closed off as I use to be and open about relationships but it's just been awhile. It easier, safer to admit that then to admit I'm lonely or yea, of course I wish i was with someone but I'm also conflicted by a lot of things. So yea, that's not something I'm open about, which then makes me not so open about all the subjects revolving that. But I said I was open, or that anyone can ask all the questions you want to me, but also understand the right to refuse to answer any questions I'm not comfortable asking. I hope that message got across to them in that way to just respect me, but I'm not so sure it did. My other friend did mentioned I how function or open better or do better in individual settings...which is true I guess...though part of me is angered/annoyed she said that. Because I feel like she is trying to say she knows me better than I know myself. Which...I don't need. I don't need the extra commentary. but Whatever, I digress. Anyway, I just felt like, I didn't want to share anything during dinner or talk to them about anything because I didn't see the point. I don't think they would understand me. Or they maybe weren't also in the right place to hear me. I don't know. But this is how I felt. Also, finding out that my best guy friend (one who I would arguably say I'm the closest to, or thought I was closest too until he had a female roommate move in- who leading into - I found out that they are now sorta dating? I mean I knew it could be a possibility even though he said probably not. But that was a few months ago. I was thinking about this last night about why I was so hurt by this, and i think it's just really, I wish he would have told me? I thought we were close enough for him to talk to me about this. I mean, he doesn't owe me anything, we've never dated, but just as friends. I don't know. I felt like, which doesn't mean it's equal or again, that he owes me this, but I came out to him and have spoken to him at certain lengths about my sexuality, dating woes and everything. I'd think he would feel the same way with me, like he could talk to me about this stuff. But he didn't. And that hurts. Like i'm the last to know. And i even asked him about it a few weeks ago, gave him the opportunity to talk about it with me. and nothing. So maybe that is also influencing me right now on why I feel myself shutting off again or not wanting to share anything to those who I thought were closest to me. My two "best" friends have significant others and/or busy with their life. As I have been, but...i guess, they have someone to speak to still, or gained that. While I've just lost, and not gain anything. Normally I'd talk to my friend all the time and feel comfortable saying all my anxieties or having a conversation, but i know she's busy with work so I don't. We also don't talk that often anymore anyway since she's busy with work as I know, but also...she has multiple friends and a boyfriend who they're progressing...moving in together. Idk. I guess it ultimately is, I'm feeling lonely. Like I just don't have anyone to talk to. Which makes me want to close in, and shut in more. Even from those around me. bc I feel they're abandoning me? - i don't think i feel that way but it came into my mind, and i think i just needed to type it out/get it out. No one is abandoning me. I know this. but sometime it just feels like I'm on the lower rung. Or I'm not on a rung because friendship doesn't need a rung but...idk. Maybe i'm just assumed to be able to handle my shit and I dont need to unload on other's. That's not in their description nor can I expect them to be at my beck and call to make me feel better at this time because...they're not my significant other or because they have their own lives. MAybe, i mean i know, i need to expand my circle.