Oh taylor swift how you kind of are a lyrical genius. At least to the 15 year old girl inside me whose going through what seemingly are kiddish relationship woes. You help me start this blog and once again you're helping me find the words I'm trying to express with your song lyrics. I'm envious how you can put these words into lyrics and express them everyday through song and dance. I wish I had that ability. I wrote poems back in the day...maybe sometime this week I'll take a crack at it again. Its definitely something special when that creative genius inside can take over and express your feelings inside with words on the outside. Anyway, though this song cannot totally be related to how i'm feeling right now/situation i'm in. It's a pretty good idea, at least parts of this song is.
I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say they're the lucky ones.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.
Oh a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
Too many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
Next chapter
How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
You're doing your best to avoid me.
I started to think one day I'd tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.
Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like the careless,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you say you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
The end.
-The Story of us, Taylor Swift
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
defeated, glass wall
I feel defeated.
At the dinner table i feel as though there is a glass wall separating me between my immediate.
I cannot wait till i finally get either the guts or the money to start going to a therapist. As i said before and probably will again is that 95% of it i'm sure will be about my family, my mother in specific.
I just had to dismiss myself from the dinning room table to climb up the stairs and have a mini breakdown, then pull myself together just so i wouldn't break down in front of everything then cause an even more debacle...and probably just piss ppl off more. Though it honestly, HONESTLY wasn't my intention to make ppl mad. It usually isn't either! I know there are times i'm an ass and do stir the pot on purpose, however after years, and multiple times were i've gotten yelled at and in trouble. I've learn to watch my mouth and just simply not comment on things. However in this instance today I honestly was just talking...i was asking a legitimate question, however of course whatever i say is misconstrued and therefore causing problems..However i actually took myself out of the situation before things escalated. Then when i mention, and i'm seriously when this is what happened, that I was starving which i felt like my stomach was eating itself...i mentioned that I was starving, hoping to eat first before my brother got home from work, which would be in about 20 minutes. My mother flips her shit. My mother suggest i go drink soup first before my brother gets home. Fine, whatever, she obviously does not want to eat without him. Fine, whatever i'll go drink soup. She then gets increasingly mad and taking her anger out by lashing out at me. She gets so mad and doesn't understand that why, when i got home at 5 (dinner at 730ish) that i did not make myself something to eat. When sometimes when i do, do this, she gets upset at me for ruining my appetite, so rightfully so I did not do that this time. Still get in trouble. She starts yelling at me about this, why i did not eat when i get home and how our father is only home to eat dinner with us 2 days of the week why can't i just wait a few more minutes till my brother gets home. Meanwhile I'm already quietly drinking my soup. I don't say anything, as i've learned not to in this situation. However she just continues to stare at me and questions whether I am listening to her. So I acknowledge her...I say I am drinking my soup now, it's fine. Apparently now I've made her INCREASINGLY more mad and she proceeds to yell at me. So i talk back to her, very calmly, just answering her questions...until i hear my father, who has given this advice to me before "...JUST STOP TALKING...YOU'VE BEEN TALKING EVER SINCE YOU GOT HOME...JUST STOP..." and so i shut my mouth. My mother turns around and continues to cook something in the kitchen, pots and pans banging in her frustration.
Ever once in a while this feeling of just worthlessness creeps up into my mind and body. I can feel the tears running to the forefront, ready to spill at will. I go about my day usually not speaking to my parents, my mother especially. I don't remember a conversation between the two of us that lasted longer than 10 minutes and without us getting into a fight, or more importantly her upset and yelling at me.
I really want to mention this to my parents because honestly, i don't know how much more I can take. I'm not saying I don't feel grateful for all that they've done and provide me with a good life. Which i have a feeling if i were to mention something they would use this against me. However i just want to, for ONCE vocalize my opinion without getting into trouble and not having it misconstrued into something it isnt or wasn't my intention. I have to will away the tears and act strong because I can't keep breaking down about the same thing over and over again. But this issue is such a standing figure in my life that I constantly, constantly have to push down into my subconscious because if I let it fester, or into my conscious...I don't know how i would function and go about my daily living...with this constant feeling of not being able to be who I am and not TALK to my parents. I can't say I have a relationship with my mother because honestly, our relationship consists of me constantly watching what I say, or basically not saying anything at all in order to keep some sort of peace between us. Peace within the whole house as well. God knows if i piss her off, the whole house will feel her wrath then I will have eventually piss the entire house off because of a tiff between my mother and I.
I can't keep dealing with this all internally. I can't even say i'm dealing with this because it still effects me and nothing has changed. I still feel the same as probably the last time this has happened and probably wrote about it in past entries. I cannot think of anyone, at this moment, where I feel comfortable just expressing all of this too. Expressing all of this, 110%, all the feelings I have and the bad that comes with this whole issue. I don't know who I could confide in which sucks and therefore I do have to deal with this all internally. Or at least write it all down here. It gives me some peace of mind that hopefully down the line i'll be able to work this issue out or come back to this entry and reflect on how I was feeling at this particular time and problem.
My heart feels heavy. My brain feels like theres two elephants closing in on either side. I can feel the tears building up and wanting to spill. And I can feel my hopelessness build and radiate out of me. I'm stuck. Defeated and no more words can come to mind because I just don't know what else to say or do.
At the dinner table i feel as though there is a glass wall separating me between my immediate.
I cannot wait till i finally get either the guts or the money to start going to a therapist. As i said before and probably will again is that 95% of it i'm sure will be about my family, my mother in specific.
I just had to dismiss myself from the dinning room table to climb up the stairs and have a mini breakdown, then pull myself together just so i wouldn't break down in front of everything then cause an even more debacle...and probably just piss ppl off more. Though it honestly, HONESTLY wasn't my intention to make ppl mad. It usually isn't either! I know there are times i'm an ass and do stir the pot on purpose, however after years, and multiple times were i've gotten yelled at and in trouble. I've learn to watch my mouth and just simply not comment on things. However in this instance today I honestly was just talking...i was asking a legitimate question, however of course whatever i say is misconstrued and therefore causing problems..However i actually took myself out of the situation before things escalated. Then when i mention, and i'm seriously when this is what happened, that I was starving which i felt like my stomach was eating itself...i mentioned that I was starving, hoping to eat first before my brother got home from work, which would be in about 20 minutes. My mother flips her shit. My mother suggest i go drink soup first before my brother gets home. Fine, whatever, she obviously does not want to eat without him. Fine, whatever i'll go drink soup. She then gets increasingly mad and taking her anger out by lashing out at me. She gets so mad and doesn't understand that why, when i got home at 5 (dinner at 730ish) that i did not make myself something to eat. When sometimes when i do, do this, she gets upset at me for ruining my appetite, so rightfully so I did not do that this time. Still get in trouble. She starts yelling at me about this, why i did not eat when i get home and how our father is only home to eat dinner with us 2 days of the week why can't i just wait a few more minutes till my brother gets home. Meanwhile I'm already quietly drinking my soup. I don't say anything, as i've learned not to in this situation. However she just continues to stare at me and questions whether I am listening to her. So I acknowledge her...I say I am drinking my soup now, it's fine. Apparently now I've made her INCREASINGLY more mad and she proceeds to yell at me. So i talk back to her, very calmly, just answering her questions...until i hear my father, who has given this advice to me before "...JUST STOP TALKING...YOU'VE BEEN TALKING EVER SINCE YOU GOT HOME...JUST STOP..." and so i shut my mouth. My mother turns around and continues to cook something in the kitchen, pots and pans banging in her frustration.
Ever once in a while this feeling of just worthlessness creeps up into my mind and body. I can feel the tears running to the forefront, ready to spill at will. I go about my day usually not speaking to my parents, my mother especially. I don't remember a conversation between the two of us that lasted longer than 10 minutes and without us getting into a fight, or more importantly her upset and yelling at me.
I really want to mention this to my parents because honestly, i don't know how much more I can take. I'm not saying I don't feel grateful for all that they've done and provide me with a good life. Which i have a feeling if i were to mention something they would use this against me. However i just want to, for ONCE vocalize my opinion without getting into trouble and not having it misconstrued into something it isnt or wasn't my intention. I have to will away the tears and act strong because I can't keep breaking down about the same thing over and over again. But this issue is such a standing figure in my life that I constantly, constantly have to push down into my subconscious because if I let it fester, or into my conscious...I don't know how i would function and go about my daily living...with this constant feeling of not being able to be who I am and not TALK to my parents. I can't say I have a relationship with my mother because honestly, our relationship consists of me constantly watching what I say, or basically not saying anything at all in order to keep some sort of peace between us. Peace within the whole house as well. God knows if i piss her off, the whole house will feel her wrath then I will have eventually piss the entire house off because of a tiff between my mother and I.
I can't keep dealing with this all internally. I can't even say i'm dealing with this because it still effects me and nothing has changed. I still feel the same as probably the last time this has happened and probably wrote about it in past entries. I cannot think of anyone, at this moment, where I feel comfortable just expressing all of this too. Expressing all of this, 110%, all the feelings I have and the bad that comes with this whole issue. I don't know who I could confide in which sucks and therefore I do have to deal with this all internally. Or at least write it all down here. It gives me some peace of mind that hopefully down the line i'll be able to work this issue out or come back to this entry and reflect on how I was feeling at this particular time and problem.
My heart feels heavy. My brain feels like theres two elephants closing in on either side. I can feel the tears building up and wanting to spill. And I can feel my hopelessness build and radiate out of me. I'm stuck. Defeated and no more words can come to mind because I just don't know what else to say or do.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
fed up
I'm fed up, frustrated and don't know the correct way i should be acting in this situation. This post will mostly like not make any sense and will be all jumbled but i honestly don't care. This blog is and will always be just for me. I just need to get my thoughts out and this is the exact reason why i started this shit.
I'm tired of waiting around this weekend. I feel like a fool when i do. I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that once again i'm putting more into this relationship then the other person. I'm slowly feeling that creeping feeling of fear from the last time something like this happened. And i remember exactly how i felt when everything came crashing down. My heart and head hurt for days. I keep telling myself or reassuring myself that I have my guard up, my hearts closed off...open up a little bit just to let the necessary feelings pass through however, mostly closed off...it's to protect myself. Yet how come every time i remind myself to keep my guard up thats when the hurt comes along. Or starting to come through anyway. I'm tired of just sitting and waiting. I don't think its fair that i've had to do that this week. To sit by and wait by my telephone for your text. Not being able to text you or being afraid to text you in fear that i'm distracting you from your work or being that nuisance and annoying you by constantly texting you. I hate these insecurities but you're starting to endorse them and its slowly taking over my mindset now. So i'm dealing with trying to protect my heart, however still slowly give it to you for the hopeful future but i also have the little devil on my shoulder spouting out all those tiny devilish insecurities that eat at my core. I do not want to think anymore. I want to be in a drunken stupor and not think about this at all anymore. I don't want these thoughts in my head any longer. I want them out. I want to be completely distracted and not think about you and my insecurities any longer. I just don't get how you dont see this. Or why this week was so different. Why didn't i hear from you as much as i normally do? It this your way of pushing me out? letting me now that your done, its over? Cause if its not, then you sure as hell are sending out the wrong message because this is the message i'm getting. I read this text today which sums up how i feel.
"You asked me why I haven't talked to you; Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. I'm glad you're finally noticing."
Except, no one is noticing for me. I'm just feeling the pushing, therefore why i'm not talking so much. And i don't know how to act when this happens. How do i act normal when theres obviously something bothering me? How do i move past this when its effecting me so bad? How do you realize that everythings okay when its not? I just don't understand what's wrong. I can't....CAN'T be the only one that notices that somethings off...can i? Am i reading something wrong? Am i getting the signals missed? Or is this something that's not different or out of the norm? I hate going to bed with a heavy heart and thoughts constantly racing throughout my head. I'm trying so hard to find a song that can help relate to this moment i'm having but no such luck right now. Maybe that's why i feel so lost and confused. I need distractions. I don't want to be in my head right now.
I'm tired of waiting around this weekend. I feel like a fool when i do. I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that once again i'm putting more into this relationship then the other person. I'm slowly feeling that creeping feeling of fear from the last time something like this happened. And i remember exactly how i felt when everything came crashing down. My heart and head hurt for days. I keep telling myself or reassuring myself that I have my guard up, my hearts closed off...open up a little bit just to let the necessary feelings pass through however, mostly closed off...it's to protect myself. Yet how come every time i remind myself to keep my guard up thats when the hurt comes along. Or starting to come through anyway. I'm tired of just sitting and waiting. I don't think its fair that i've had to do that this week. To sit by and wait by my telephone for your text. Not being able to text you or being afraid to text you in fear that i'm distracting you from your work or being that nuisance and annoying you by constantly texting you. I hate these insecurities but you're starting to endorse them and its slowly taking over my mindset now. So i'm dealing with trying to protect my heart, however still slowly give it to you for the hopeful future but i also have the little devil on my shoulder spouting out all those tiny devilish insecurities that eat at my core. I do not want to think anymore. I want to be in a drunken stupor and not think about this at all anymore. I don't want these thoughts in my head any longer. I want them out. I want to be completely distracted and not think about you and my insecurities any longer. I just don't get how you dont see this. Or why this week was so different. Why didn't i hear from you as much as i normally do? It this your way of pushing me out? letting me now that your done, its over? Cause if its not, then you sure as hell are sending out the wrong message because this is the message i'm getting. I read this text today which sums up how i feel.
"You asked me why I haven't talked to you; Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. I'm glad you're finally noticing."
Except, no one is noticing for me. I'm just feeling the pushing, therefore why i'm not talking so much. And i don't know how to act when this happens. How do i act normal when theres obviously something bothering me? How do i move past this when its effecting me so bad? How do you realize that everythings okay when its not? I just don't understand what's wrong. I can't....CAN'T be the only one that notices that somethings off...can i? Am i reading something wrong? Am i getting the signals missed? Or is this something that's not different or out of the norm? I hate going to bed with a heavy heart and thoughts constantly racing throughout my head. I'm trying so hard to find a song that can help relate to this moment i'm having but no such luck right now. Maybe that's why i feel so lost and confused. I need distractions. I don't want to be in my head right now.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tired
I'm getting real tired of waiting. In all sense of the word. Who am I to sit there and wait around? That's not me, that sure as hell isn't who I want to be. I just wish I remembered that all the time instead of being weak and becoming that person who's so patient and understanding. Well I'm sick of that crap right now. I'm sick of waiting...waiting for what's going to happen next.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
no where to write, just here
So, I want to write this as my facebook status, or even as my aim status. Somewhere where people can see it, take notice, put it out in the world. However this just seemed like the more appropriate place...I know no ones going to see it, so it doesn't make me feel all that better...but i'm putting it out to the world, to the universe. And yes, i will reflect later on how i need someone to see this, to expose it to a facebook status or aim status but..i'm on a time constraint right now. I just..again as yesterday, but hopefully i'm explaining it better because it's fresh in my mind.
I just can't believe. I come to you looking for comfort. You're suppose to be that person for me now, you said you would and when i need you the most you're not here. You just don't notice it. I really wanted to say is wow, i come to you to make me feel better and you ended up making me feel worst. That's not the way it was suppose to go. I was counting on you and you just disappointed me.
I just can't believe. I come to you looking for comfort. You're suppose to be that person for me now, you said you would and when i need you the most you're not here. You just don't notice it. I really wanted to say is wow, i come to you to make me feel better and you ended up making me feel worst. That's not the way it was suppose to go. I was counting on you and you just disappointed me.
back.
Wow, I knew I haven't wrote in this for a while i just didn't realize that the last time i wrote this was in July. 4 months have passed by and as cliche as it might sound, so much has happened. I've let go of some of that anger and hurt that has been building up inside me from one person in particular. I've moved on from the point of when i started this blog, well as much as a person can without forgetting completely what happened to them. I still have the scars from that event just like any normal person would after an incident. More importantly I've grown from it, I can see clearly now, then again as clear as a person can really see. Let's not say clear, maybe a slightly less blurry version then before. I forgot how good it was to write down my feelings in this thing. Even though 4 months have gone by since the last time i've wrote in this doesn't mean I've had 4 months of trouble free life. No freedom of emotional despair, stress or emotional revelations, or revelations of any kind. Sure there have been times during the 4 months i've needed to express my thoughts and feelings...and right now i wish i had wrote them down instead of letting the time pass me by. I can tell you this much, again, a lot has changed. I'm starting to enter a new phase in my life...well the beginning of a new chapter. One that holds a lot of responsibility and is a bit scary. It's like entering the world anew. I feel as though i'll enter the world prematurely. Course I could prepare myself to the best of my ability which I foresee as being a tremendous stressor in my life for months to come. Which i am definitely not looking forward to. Which in comes my usual habit of repressing, and not thinking about the emotional distress that will is going to happen in the future. Just not think about it, because...when it happens that i do, and i feel this unbelievable amount of stress and anxiety and sadness...i dont know how to handle it. I don't really know how to deal with it in the best way possible. I just feel like there's an elephant standing on my head. I feel the unbelievable weight on my shoulders and everywhere surrounding me closes in. I get into my zone of just quietness, me zoning out.
Something also happened to me in these past 4 months...i've started to date someone. I never thought i'd say that, at least not anytime soon. I could not have foreseen this happen to me during the last times i've written in this blog. What's even more surprising and out of the blue is the person who i'm dating. Ask me who my childhood crush was? it was this guy. I liked him since...as far as i could remember. I use to picture his as my best friend. I would refer to him as that, even though i was never sure, we never made that distinction in our friendship. But we were definitely close, at least i'd like to think so. This guy was the one guy i could always count on. And..he always had a girlfriend. Even when we were in fricking junior high he had one and he was always so "desperately" in love with them. Alright that might not sound good, but i mean he was always so committed to them. He put both feet wholeheartly into the relationships he was in. Whenever I was with him, even though there were feelings on my end, I always felt like just a friend to him. I doubted, highly highly doubted there were ever feelings on his end. Then..one day in July he calls, to hang out, catch up. I've been trying to do this thing, call and ask to hang out, with people i went to high school with but it never seems to work. I've been desperately trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, and this guy was one of them. I never sought out really to reach him but always, always in the back of my mind i wanted to. I guess i can't really justify why i never called him but he did anyway. This opportunity came knocking on my door to finally, finally! connect with one of my closest friends from high school. I've known this kid forever and sadly through the years we lost touch. He was one of maybe 5 people i was truely truely sad i lost contact with. There was no way I was going to give up this opportunity to see him. And it was a good thing I didn't cause look at me today, dating this guy...moving towards a relationship.
It's mindbogglingly sometimes just to think this is where my life is right now. At least in terms of me being in a relationship, especially with this guy. I could go through all the happy, cute, times i've had with him, but honestly, right now, if you couldn't tell from my writing so far, i'm not in that sort of mood.
I just think, if you question whether I wish there was someone who cared for me and that you would? That might be confusing to read later on, I guess I can't convey how i feel in words to the best of my ability right now, at least in this sense. I just think, i look for you for comfort. You pride yourself on being able to be there for me, or at least you should be there for me. You're always there if i need anything, at least at this point i hope that would be true. I can't really tell at this moment..maybe that's just because i'm upset that i couldn't find that comfort with you. I had a crappy day and all I wanted was for you to make me feel better...and you kinda failed at that. So now, i just hope tomorrows a little better and the next day. I hope to get over this the next time i see you because i don't blame you. I know you can't read my mind...but i was hoping with the hints i gave you would pick it up. or at least, i don't know, pay me some attention when i ask for it? talk to me some. Is that hard to ask of you today? Whatever.
Something also happened to me in these past 4 months...i've started to date someone. I never thought i'd say that, at least not anytime soon. I could not have foreseen this happen to me during the last times i've written in this blog. What's even more surprising and out of the blue is the person who i'm dating. Ask me who my childhood crush was? it was this guy. I liked him since...as far as i could remember. I use to picture his as my best friend. I would refer to him as that, even though i was never sure, we never made that distinction in our friendship. But we were definitely close, at least i'd like to think so. This guy was the one guy i could always count on. And..he always had a girlfriend. Even when we were in fricking junior high he had one and he was always so "desperately" in love with them. Alright that might not sound good, but i mean he was always so committed to them. He put both feet wholeheartly into the relationships he was in. Whenever I was with him, even though there were feelings on my end, I always felt like just a friend to him. I doubted, highly highly doubted there were ever feelings on his end. Then..one day in July he calls, to hang out, catch up. I've been trying to do this thing, call and ask to hang out, with people i went to high school with but it never seems to work. I've been desperately trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, and this guy was one of them. I never sought out really to reach him but always, always in the back of my mind i wanted to. I guess i can't really justify why i never called him but he did anyway. This opportunity came knocking on my door to finally, finally! connect with one of my closest friends from high school. I've known this kid forever and sadly through the years we lost touch. He was one of maybe 5 people i was truely truely sad i lost contact with. There was no way I was going to give up this opportunity to see him. And it was a good thing I didn't cause look at me today, dating this guy...moving towards a relationship.
It's mindbogglingly sometimes just to think this is where my life is right now. At least in terms of me being in a relationship, especially with this guy. I could go through all the happy, cute, times i've had with him, but honestly, right now, if you couldn't tell from my writing so far, i'm not in that sort of mood.
I just think, if you question whether I wish there was someone who cared for me and that you would? That might be confusing to read later on, I guess I can't convey how i feel in words to the best of my ability right now, at least in this sense. I just think, i look for you for comfort. You pride yourself on being able to be there for me, or at least you should be there for me. You're always there if i need anything, at least at this point i hope that would be true. I can't really tell at this moment..maybe that's just because i'm upset that i couldn't find that comfort with you. I had a crappy day and all I wanted was for you to make me feel better...and you kinda failed at that. So now, i just hope tomorrows a little better and the next day. I hope to get over this the next time i see you because i don't blame you. I know you can't read my mind...but i was hoping with the hints i gave you would pick it up. or at least, i don't know, pay me some attention when i ask for it? talk to me some. Is that hard to ask of you today? Whatever.
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