I don't know what to think anymore...was that love? is this not right?

I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind...well two, but one I'm willing to admit and write here is that I've been wanting to go back and read this specific post I made on this blog. I remember the post pretty clearly, I believed it was one of the first times I felt I ever felt love...or that i was in love. (The specific post i'm talking about is here ) Currently...I'm in a relationship I thought I wanted. I went back and forth for months about wanting J...whether it was legit feelings or just out of loneliness. I went with legit feelings because...how could I not? I thought there were clear signs. I mean the thought of him wasn't going away after MONTHs, but also there were times where something happened in my day and I wanted to tell him. That was something right? At least I thought. We sorta took our time to get back into the swing of things again...really communicating and talking pretty open and honestly about how we felt and where we were. I was enjoying that and finally felt like, fuck it just go for it. Let's stop wasting time and just give this another shot. Third time's a charm right? And yet now...here I am thinking about...a past love? Or at least the past post about love I made...about someone else. Who, for the most part I can say is basically like my best friend...who happens to be a guy and who I have a long history with...see blogposts from the beginning of this blog till about i dont know a year or two into the blog? Most of the posts were about him. Let's just call him T for argument sake. But anyway, T is definitely one of the few human beings I've ever felt completely knows me and who I never really have to filter myself with. I can and usually am my complete self with him. He almost always knows exactly what to say or what I need to say when I'm in a state of crisis or just in everyday situations. He knows me. I know him. We have a great rapport and just friendship. There are times I tell him things I wouldn't normally tell other people because I know he'll make me feel better or I know I can just say whatever the fuck I want to him and his thoughts about me won't change. The thing is...I find myself wanting to tell him or go to him about certain things than my bf at the moment. My bf of like a week (minus all the said "history"-its complicated, I'm sorry) But there's a certain comfort level with T, a certain way we talk to each other. I don't have that with J and...it's making me worried. I sooo so want to have this level of comfort with J. Perhaps maybe it takes time? I mean J and I were friends since fucking elementary school with a small break from after hs to post college. Which...I would actually categorize as really my formative years. That time period from after hs to college to now, post college, in grad school, I definitely changed a tremendous amount. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. or even maybe 5 years ago. I just don't know. I wanted this relationship. Three weeks ago I was all "just fucking go for it" and stop over fucking analyzing or worrying. Just give it a try. You want it. Yet...here I am. I didn't feel any different after we made it "official" or have any sort of revelation or relief that yes, I got what I wanted. I think I was sort of numb and waiting for it to hit me or for me to process it. But...I don't think that has happened yet. What has happened is that I'm constantly now thinking, did i make the right decision? Shouldn't I feel different? Shouldn't I want to hang out with him? Shouldn't I talk to him about this that and the other thing? He should be my best friend right? That's what I wanted. That is what I wanted to work towards but...I just jumped the gun cause I thought it'll happen...or I hoped it would. I guess it's just not happening as fast as I would like? So why am I comparing him to T. Why am I constantly overthinking everything? Why are things still a little awkward? I also don't feel...the fiery passion anymore. Maybe he isn't the one? Or maybe...I'm not who I thought I am. Maybe I'm different... ...there's been a second nagging thought in my head for sometime now...though...unfortunately, I don't think I'm ready to...admit. Or put it out there other than having it in my own head. Where its still sort of safe. Though I guess if anyone is looking really close they'll know... I think.

I need advice

SO...I legitimately need to speak to someone. Someone who isn't my friend at the moment but whose been in a relationship. I need all the help I can get from those with possibility more experience in this area. You see, I've had this question on my mind for ages...How do you know that person is the one? Is there bells ringing? Or lights flashing? Some sort of huge sign that lets you know, yes this is the one for you. Because anything else, the whole "you just know" bullshit...i don't believe anymore. I dont fricking know. How would I if i never felt it before? Also I don't like to leave anything up to chance. Also I need to be realistic and get rid of some of those fairy tale dreams I once had about love due to the fucking movies and books I read growing up. I need to stop holding out for perfection or the "notebook-esque" love story. It's not going to happen. I mean really. This world is skewed. On one side as girls we're shown these "epic" love stories, girl finding her prince, her one true love, her 'noah calhoun' perhaps. These expectations of these epic love stories are ingrained in us from the beginning. Girl needs a boy to be happy. Love is this AMAZING feeling and will always prevail anything else. But then...we grow up. Or we are told: 'No, actually those love stories don't really exist and if they do it's because they're the exception." So what the fuck do I believe? As someone whose never been in love, how am I ever going to "know" ??? I thought I knew before...but that didn't last/work. Where my standards to high? Was my guard up too high? Most recently I had a person in my head and was so sure I was ready to get back into a relationship and get into it with this particular guy. I thought about him constantly for months but never really knew for sure if I could ever get that relationship back. Cut to a few months later of me agonizing whether these feelings/thoughts I were having were legit and not out of loneliness, the relationship came back. But guess what my fucked up head does? I don't feel those feelings anymore. Why is it that once I get something I thought I wanted I no longer want it? I guess I'm suffering from the 'you only want what you can't have' mentality. Which is sick. And stupid. And fucking plain annoying. Why can't I just be with this person. He's a great guy, likes me, cares for me, listens to all my fucking shit. Yet...there are times where I just don't want to hang out with him, or I don't find what he says funny. The level of comfort I wish was there isn't. -Rather I don't feel like he's my best friend. I can't talk to him like I can with my other friends. I also don't feel the butterflies I did once before, or passion when we kiss. Maybe today was just a off day? But shouldn't I want to hang out with him all the time? Shouldn't I want to talk to him more than I do? Shouldn't there be a level of comfort there already? Given the fact we have such a long history? Why does it feel like we don't really connect on a level. I don't get it. I sure can use someone to talk to about this. Unfiltered.