So i contemplated writing in an actual journal today...but this one seems easier..and definitely more private...as of right now at least.
Thoughts keep going in circles around my head, constantly...the same thoughts. He's not your boyfriend, you might as well call him that to your friends, its easier than saying your dating, but are you really dating, what is this "dating," what are the terms, are we nonchalant about it all?, does he really care for me?, is this a fling?, when is going to ask me to be his girlfriend, am i ever going to be his girlfriend, whats stopping him from calling me his girlfriend, does he have more baggage from his last relationship then he lets on? ...and it goes on and on and on. There's also the upset feeling i get when i don't get to talk to him much. The feeling i get when he's not really talking to me, but he's definitely talking to someone else. It makes me feel like i'm not important to him, i'm just some floozy on the side. Then the thoughts go around in my head once again, wondering...if this will ever turn into anything. If this is anything at all now. I feel as though i don't have a right to be upset with him not talking to me because i'm not "technically" his girlfriend yet. So goes the constant, what am i to him thoughts. I don't feel important. I have to remind myself...to keep that guard up just a little to protect that heart of mine just in case this all goes to the shits, and turns into nothing. If all my fears are confirmed and this just goes up in smokes. That i wasn't never really anything to him. He really knows how to make me feel like a 2-bit whore. You know, a girl needs some reassurance sometimes. Especially since its been so easily for you to drop her off to the side like shes a bad habit.
I barely saw him this weekend and it doesnt seem to mind him at all. I haven't really even gotten to speak to him much this weekend because he's not been around. Do we only get one solid day of the week to be together? That's what its starting to feel like. We're together for a day, and its great...and then thats it for this week. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
timeless? epic? momentous occasion
So I guess it's kind of fitting that my 50th post takes place almost close to the day that i started this blog. It was a year ago that i started this blog. Alright, so a little over a year ago because i've been so swept up in daily life that i missed the opportunity to blog on that actual anniversary day, i'm only 7 days late though. Though..i guess...i really would like to try to write in a journal, whether it be this or in an actual, physical journal everyday. Memories are precious, they can easily be forgotten and in my case that is almost a daily occurrence because of all the shit i repress, whether want to or not.
So..it's sad to say but i hadn't really noticed that i've had this blog for a year. I started this thing a year ago. It's kind of shocking how much has changed since then, and then again how much hasn't changed. I've said this before, but you never really notice change or how much time has passed until one day, you finally realize just how different things are, or pay attention to the fact how much time has passed. Did that make sense? Who cares, no one still knows about this blog...and i still like it that way. It's for me. And i actually have to admit, i'll like to see the day i finally tell someone about this blog and they'll be able to go back and read just exactly what i was going through at the times of each post, because everything i've written has been unhinge, i haven't held anything back...and never will.
One of the reasons why i did finally notice that i've had this blog for a year was because at dinner with my girlfriends the other night, we started talking about my past. We talked about what I went through a year ago with this guy and my "best"friend, or good friend..whatever, we were close, and till this day, still close. That time was definitely a hard time for me, thinking back to it, it still is without a doubt a hard, and troubling time for me. Hey, i started my blog partly because of it, and this blog helped me tremendously through that time. Which also segways into the dinner and how i found out about the anniversary, for lack of a better word. My friend asked me how I was able to go through that without telling my friend how i was feeling...the girl friend. How i was able to keep my mouth shut through all of that. I told her i didn't know how i did it...but to be honest, i was able to get through it because of this. Because I was able to unleash all my thoughts onto here. I was able to vent all my feelings here. Sure that time was tough and I for sure felt like I was alone in the world, however....i was able to get through it. There might be a few scars from it...eh, fuck it, lets be honest, theres definitely scars from that experience, but you know what, everyone has'em. Everyone has baggage from everything, i'm no different.
I wish this "momentous 50th, 1-year anniversary" blogpost had a little bit more...direction, or meaning to it, but honestly, i'm just writing what i'm feeling/thinking at the moment and i think looking back, i'll still appreciate this post for what it is. It's me. It's me, unfiltered at real time. haha. I'm hoping to blog more in the coming days but right now, i want to take a trip down memory lane. Excuse me as I go read my past blog posts.
So..it's sad to say but i hadn't really noticed that i've had this blog for a year. I started this thing a year ago. It's kind of shocking how much has changed since then, and then again how much hasn't changed. I've said this before, but you never really notice change or how much time has passed until one day, you finally realize just how different things are, or pay attention to the fact how much time has passed. Did that make sense? Who cares, no one still knows about this blog...and i still like it that way. It's for me. And i actually have to admit, i'll like to see the day i finally tell someone about this blog and they'll be able to go back and read just exactly what i was going through at the times of each post, because everything i've written has been unhinge, i haven't held anything back...and never will.
One of the reasons why i did finally notice that i've had this blog for a year was because at dinner with my girlfriends the other night, we started talking about my past. We talked about what I went through a year ago with this guy and my "best"friend, or good friend..whatever, we were close, and till this day, still close. That time was definitely a hard time for me, thinking back to it, it still is without a doubt a hard, and troubling time for me. Hey, i started my blog partly because of it, and this blog helped me tremendously through that time. Which also segways into the dinner and how i found out about the anniversary, for lack of a better word. My friend asked me how I was able to go through that without telling my friend how i was feeling...the girl friend. How i was able to keep my mouth shut through all of that. I told her i didn't know how i did it...but to be honest, i was able to get through it because of this. Because I was able to unleash all my thoughts onto here. I was able to vent all my feelings here. Sure that time was tough and I for sure felt like I was alone in the world, however....i was able to get through it. There might be a few scars from it...eh, fuck it, lets be honest, theres definitely scars from that experience, but you know what, everyone has'em. Everyone has baggage from everything, i'm no different.
I wish this "momentous 50th, 1-year anniversary" blogpost had a little bit more...direction, or meaning to it, but honestly, i'm just writing what i'm feeling/thinking at the moment and i think looking back, i'll still appreciate this post for what it is. It's me. It's me, unfiltered at real time. haha. I'm hoping to blog more in the coming days but right now, i want to take a trip down memory lane. Excuse me as I go read my past blog posts.
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