start of a new-day post

So i contemplated writing in an actual journal today...but this one seems easier..and definitely more private...as of right now at least.

Thoughts keep going in circles around my head, constantly...the same thoughts. He's not your boyfriend, you might as well call him that to your friends, its easier than saying your dating, but are you really dating, what is this "dating," what are the terms, are we nonchalant about it all?, does he really care for me?, is this a fling?, when is going to ask me to be his girlfriend, am i ever going to be his girlfriend, whats stopping him from calling me his girlfriend, does he have more baggage from his last relationship then he lets on? ...and it goes on and on and on. There's also the upset feeling i get when i don't get to talk to him much. The feeling i get when he's not really talking to me, but he's definitely talking to someone else. It makes me feel like i'm not important to him, i'm just some floozy on the side. Then the thoughts go around in my head once again, wondering...if this will ever turn into anything. If this is anything at all now. I feel as though i don't have a right to be upset with him not talking to me because i'm not "technically" his girlfriend yet. So goes the constant, what am i to him thoughts. I don't feel important. I have to remind myself...to keep that guard up just a little to protect that heart of mine just in case this all goes to the shits, and turns into nothing. If all my fears are confirmed and this just goes up in smokes. That i wasn't never really anything to him. He really knows how to make me feel like a 2-bit whore. You know, a girl needs some reassurance sometimes. Especially since its been so easily for you to drop her off to the side like shes a bad habit.

I barely saw him this weekend and it doesnt seem to mind him at all. I haven't really even gotten to speak to him much this weekend because he's not been around. Do we only get one solid day of the week to be together? That's what its starting to feel like. We're together for a day, and its great...and then thats it for this week. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.