Sunday, June 20, 2010
vent
I love making plans with you. You fucking always break it. This is two days in a fucking ROW. I called you yesterday about the beach that YOU invited me to go. I said yes, i wanted to go. What happens the next day? YOU GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT ME. NO FUCKING PHONE CALL OR NOTHING. AND TODAY? LETS GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT. THE MOVIES AT EITHER 6:45 OR 9:30, OKAY 9:30. DID WE END UP MAKING IT? NO CAUSE OF YOUR STUPID INCONSIDERATE ASS. Then fucking, fine. so we don't make that showing, there's another one at 10. BUT FUCKING NO, because its tooo late for my fucking brother. A HALF HOUR LATER?! FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY1?! C'MON FUCKING PEOPLE. WE MADE PLANS WHY DON'T WE FUCKING STICK TO THEM. GODDAMN. DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO SOME PEOPLE THAT WE LIKE TO STICK TO PLANS? WE MAY ACTUALLY BE LOOKING FORWARD TO THESE GODDAMN PLANS TO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE? NO! FUCKING NO. GODDAMN, SOMETHING SO MINUSCULE AND SMALL YET PEOPLE FUCK IT UP. I'D RATHER GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE MYSELF THEN FUCKING ASSHOLES. GODDAMN I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW. ITS FUCKING BLAZING HOT, I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT ALL FUCKING DAY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS MOVIE ALLLLL FUCKING FUCKING DAY. FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE. GODDAMN. I NEED A BETTER WAY TO RELEASE THIS FUCKING ANGER I'M FEELING BECAUSE "WRITING" IT OUT IS JUST NOT HELPING. THE ANGER IS JUST BUBBLING UNDERNEATH ME WANTING TO FUCKING SCREAM, YELL, PUNCH SOMETHING IN THE FACE. SO FUCKING MAD THIS FAMILY IS FUCKING ASSHOLES. AND MY BROTHER DOESN'T EVEN SEEM FAZED ABOUT IT. JUST SIMPLY STATES THAT THIS IS WHY HE NEVER MAKES PLANS WITH OUR COUSIN. THEN FUCKING FINE, WE SHOULD HAVE WENT TO SEEN IT OURSELVES AT 9:30. GODDAMN I'D RATHER GO SEE IT MYSELF TOMORROW FUCKING PEOPLE, I CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND THEM RIGHT NOW. I RATHER GO TO BED NOW AT 9 FUCKING 40 BECAUSE I'M SO MAD AND THERE'S FUCKING NOTHING TO DO IN THIS BLAZING HEAT. I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS THROW SOMETHING. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON. FUCKING IDIOTS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES. GOD FUCKING DAMN.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
On My Own
Because it deserves its own entry.
And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to go, no one to turn to.
Did not want your money sir,
Came out here cuz I was told to.
And now the night is near,
Now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him, and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.
On my own,
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.
In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.
And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.
I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.
I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending!
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!
I love him...
I love him...
I love him...
But only on my own...
-On My Own, Les Miserables
Where I fell in love and realized how much I could relate to this song
Lea Michele-On My Own
And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to go, no one to turn to.
Did not want your money sir,
Came out here cuz I was told to.
And now the night is near,
Now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him, and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.
On my own,
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.
In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.
And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.
I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.
I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending!
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!
I love him...
I love him...
I love him...
But only on my own...
-On My Own, Les Miserables
Where I fell in love and realized how much I could relate to this song
Lea Michele-On My Own
Piercing, Tattoos, Thoughts, oh my.
I've been meaning to blog for some time now. Every time there's a profound, or at least what I think is profound to me, thought pops up into my head I quickly want to jot it down or blog about it so it would be forever remembered and saved. Especially since my brain nowadays forgets everything. I can't hold onto most memories or thoughts unless they're incredibly ingrained into my head. That might be due to me repressing the shit out of emotions, ideas, memories and whatnot over the course of my years, which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before somewhere in these entries.
Today I was thinking, or late last night, I can't remember, I was thinking about when I'll finally let people know and read this blog and whom I'd tell first. I thought about it for a long time and yesterday I realized...I don't think I want to let anyone know about it. At least...not anytime soon. I'm content with just having this for myself. I think that's the best thing. This is my outlet, for myself. For me to express myself and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open when I can't anywhere else. I haven't had to delete anything or change anything in the entries I've posted because...well no one is looking or reading them...at least not to my knowledge. And I like it that way. I can go back and reflect on what I was thinking during those times...especially the last entry. As dark and depressing as it was, I wouldn't want to delete it. It's all truth...it was how I felt at that exact moment and as I look back on the entries I've made I can go back to that one and remember how I felt that day. It was a dark day for me and I'll always remember it.
I've been thinking about change a lot lately. Change in the way I dress, how I act, the actions I take, life in general. I've been thinking about finally getting my ears pierced after years and years of saying I would never do it and basically being frightened about the idea of the pain and infections that could possibly happen. But one day I just decided...you know, it might be time. Add something to my look. I've also been thinking about tattoos...A LOT lately. Which happened relatively the same time the ear piercing idea popped into my head. It might also coincide with the fact I was looking at pictures of a celebrity I've come to admire and love. But i've always wanted a tattoo, I knew that one day I would get one. It was just the matter of what to get. In the past when I thought about it I thought about getting a little B, written in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer logo on my left ankle..as a dedication to my first tv show obsession. I loved that show and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was never too set on that idea though. Recently I've come up with four tattoo ideas that I kinda fell in love with...two of them at least for sure. First I want to get On My Own with a small gold star next to it on the side of my right foot. It's my ode to the titled song from Les Miz. I've had that song on my ipod for years sung by different artist but never truly listened to the lyrics until I heard Lea Michele beautifully sing the hell out of that song. I realized how easily I relate to the song and by far, one of my favorite songs out there. I definitely want that on my foot. I should also read Les Mis before I do it though..just in case. But right now, I love what that song stands for. Another tattoo idea I have is getting the Claddagh Ring tattooed on my right lower hip. I believe its a pretty intimate place and its a pretty intimate symbol, to me at least so I want to get it there. Its also a small ode to my first tv obsession because that's where I first learned and fell in love with that ring. I've worn that ring ever since. I've also want a tattoo on my wrist which I was thinking about getting Think, Process. It would be a reminder to myself to think and really process what's going on in my head...as so I wouldn't repress it. I don't like repressing thoughts, its definitely not healthy, I know that. However I've done it for so long now, its become a habit, a coping mechanism. So it would be my reminder not to do it. I also want Jan on the left side of my body by the ribs. I won't be a Jan forever. When...or sadly if...I ever get married, I'll be taking my husbands last name. I won't "really" be part of the Jan family any longer. So it would be my ode to my family. Those are my four tattoos.
This post wasn't to thought provoking or reflection based but I thought i should blog. Its already June 17th and I haven't blogged for the month of June. I want to keep up the habit of blogging at least 3 times a month. So here's to this month. Maybe more tomorrow I'm actually getting tired and "talked" out.
Today I was thinking, or late last night, I can't remember, I was thinking about when I'll finally let people know and read this blog and whom I'd tell first. I thought about it for a long time and yesterday I realized...I don't think I want to let anyone know about it. At least...not anytime soon. I'm content with just having this for myself. I think that's the best thing. This is my outlet, for myself. For me to express myself and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open when I can't anywhere else. I haven't had to delete anything or change anything in the entries I've posted because...well no one is looking or reading them...at least not to my knowledge. And I like it that way. I can go back and reflect on what I was thinking during those times...especially the last entry. As dark and depressing as it was, I wouldn't want to delete it. It's all truth...it was how I felt at that exact moment and as I look back on the entries I've made I can go back to that one and remember how I felt that day. It was a dark day for me and I'll always remember it.
I've been thinking about change a lot lately. Change in the way I dress, how I act, the actions I take, life in general. I've been thinking about finally getting my ears pierced after years and years of saying I would never do it and basically being frightened about the idea of the pain and infections that could possibly happen. But one day I just decided...you know, it might be time. Add something to my look. I've also been thinking about tattoos...A LOT lately. Which happened relatively the same time the ear piercing idea popped into my head. It might also coincide with the fact I was looking at pictures of a celebrity I've come to admire and love. But i've always wanted a tattoo, I knew that one day I would get one. It was just the matter of what to get. In the past when I thought about it I thought about getting a little B, written in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer logo on my left ankle..as a dedication to my first tv show obsession. I loved that show and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was never too set on that idea though. Recently I've come up with four tattoo ideas that I kinda fell in love with...two of them at least for sure. First I want to get On My Own with a small gold star next to it on the side of my right foot. It's my ode to the titled song from Les Miz. I've had that song on my ipod for years sung by different artist but never truly listened to the lyrics until I heard Lea Michele beautifully sing the hell out of that song. I realized how easily I relate to the song and by far, one of my favorite songs out there. I definitely want that on my foot. I should also read Les Mis before I do it though..just in case. But right now, I love what that song stands for. Another tattoo idea I have is getting the Claddagh Ring tattooed on my right lower hip. I believe its a pretty intimate place and its a pretty intimate symbol, to me at least so I want to get it there. Its also a small ode to my first tv obsession because that's where I first learned and fell in love with that ring. I've worn that ring ever since. I've also want a tattoo on my wrist which I was thinking about getting Think, Process. It would be a reminder to myself to think and really process what's going on in my head...as so I wouldn't repress it. I don't like repressing thoughts, its definitely not healthy, I know that. However I've done it for so long now, its become a habit, a coping mechanism. So it would be my reminder not to do it. I also want Jan on the left side of my body by the ribs. I won't be a Jan forever. When...or sadly if...I ever get married, I'll be taking my husbands last name. I won't "really" be part of the Jan family any longer. So it would be my ode to my family. Those are my four tattoos.
This post wasn't to thought provoking or reflection based but I thought i should blog. Its already June 17th and I haven't blogged for the month of June. I want to keep up the habit of blogging at least 3 times a month. So here's to this month. Maybe more tomorrow I'm actually getting tired and "talked" out.
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