Biggest Fear

Hey, You want to hear my biggest fear and one of my secrets? I've never been in love. And I'm afraid I never will be. I won't ever experience that feeling that I have thought of or have heard about.

best friend

So I just discovered the gem that is Girls on HBO and oh my. I think I found my new favorite show. Now I never got into sex and the city, though I feel like this is the sex and the city of this generation, or at least for me now. I may new to watch sex and the city now after watching this but thats a sidenote. Anyway, this show is amazing. It makes me want to finally be able to live though. It makes me want to be able to move out of my parents house so bad and just live my life. Hell I'm in my damn 20's this is the time I should be doing everything! I never got to go away for college, I got gypped out of a real college experience so I never got to do anything crazy. I never got to go through an "experimental phase" or any of that other stereotypical college stuff, frat parties, etc. Also after watching the show I realized, i don't have a best friend. Now I have known this for a long time but this show just reinstated this to the fullest extent. I don't have any girlfriends I can call my best friend as much as I want to. That, I believe is one of the biggest things I want in life. I feel at my core, this is what i want and I'm lacking it. All i've ever wanted was to have someone in my life, to not feel alone like I do. Being lonely is my biggest fear. Yes, all the stereotypical things, I mean I would love millions of dollars and all my "problems" could just vanish away, but in essence, all i've ever really wanted was to not feel lonely. To feel like I had someone in my life I could always count on. And I don't feel like I have that person, at least not in a friend or romantic type way. This is the biggest thing that causes me pain and feel like the lowest human being when I realize I don't have this. I feel as though I have nothing. And while, none of this writing is making sense right now, but all i am doing is writing whatever comes to mind. I am not thinking about how it is sounding or worrying about my writing and trying to sound articulate or whatever. I am just purely having my thoughts stream out. I wish I had a best friend. That is what I want.

oh god oh god

Oh god, oh god, what did i do?! why did I text him. What is going through my head right now? Why do I feel so nervous also?! what the hell is going on for me.

had to get it out. in need of distraction or help

I haven't written here in a long time and that mostly has to do with the fact that I've been bombarded with school, work, life, and such. Just everything in between and therefore haven't used this as on outlet for a while. At least until now because today, I'm feeling the effects of keep everything bottled up inside. Today I feel lonely. Like I have no one to turn to when I'm trying to convince myself one way or another. For the past two days, especially today i'm trying to convince myself not to give in and make a big mistake. But see the thing is, i'm not entirely sure that it will be a mistake. And this has been the theme the entire time i've started to date this person again. I want to be with him yet I don't. I want to spend time with him but I find habits to pick apart or frustrated when I do. I want to hold on and make this relationship work but I don't even know if I want a relationship, or if i can even do one. I'm afraid I won't be good enough and let's face it, thats were a lot of the fear lies. My self-esteem. I mean, why now again? In the back of my mind I would constantly ponder this. Why now? What makes me different now that you want to give it a try? Because you're ready? And what if I'm not? I mean, i guess its point proven I wasn't, so then what then? What happens then? I guess we kinda figured that out because things ended. You gave up. You walked away...again. I was willing to make this work, I wanted to. Hell I know i've been difficult and i'm trying to work on it. It just takes time. But it doesn't seem like you were willing to give me that. I get you were frustrated, I wasn't the best person during these last few months when oh I was working 40 hours, interning and going to school for my masters. Sorry I didn't give you a heads up it would be difficult, oh wait I DID do that. So now that I have free time I'm asking you to excuse those months and lets start over or at least lets finally get things started and off the ground again. Let's take this time and go with it. But now, you wanted and always wanted to start a relationship right back up after we started to date again. Hell a week into it, you wanted me to make a commitment to you and be your girlfriend. It was like you forget everything you did to me last time and how you treated me. You treated me like shit and I never really spoke up and said those words to you about how I felt because I was always looking out for you feelings. I never wanted to fight with you or make you mad and I guess that made me resent you in a way. I was actively trying in these last few months to try and figure out what the hell was going on with me. If i really wanted to be with you or what. I was confused almost 90% of the time we were together because I wasn't sure. And I know, I know that wasn't fair to you and maybe a little side of my enjoyed that because the tables were turned and I was the one in control as oppose to last time where I felt I was completely at the helm of your feet. I guess I was also being selfish because I was holding on to you, but I was honestly always just trying to feel 100% sure of my decision either way. I never felt fully sure I was ready to be in a relationship with you but I never felt fully sure like I wanted to break things off with you. There's just so much that has happened between us and so many conflicting feelings because of it. Hell when we first started two years ago I was infatuated with you. I did everything you do when you first like someone. I did everything and anything to spend time with you and try to impress you. I wanted to make things work even though I knew in the back of my head you just got out of a 5 year relationship. But hell it was hard to tell my heart that when I just kept falling for you and you were, still reciprocating in a way. At least it was until out of the blue you said you weren't ready and that you needed to focus on school or whatever. Even though I clarified and asked if i was a distraction to school and you said no. So picture me confused and puzzled to no end. And that was what i was left with when things ended. I was confused, I was hurt and just completely devastated things didn't work out, I thought that was it. Never in my mind did I ever thought we would get another chance, I thought you had gone out of my life yet again. So it took me MONTHS, if that, to get over you and even then it was still hard because I had to convince myself everyday that there was no way in hell it was going to happen again, even though i always wish it would. And so, when things started up again, you'd expect me to be jumping with joy, but I wasn't. I guess I was skeptical at first but also trying to find my bearings, because even though it took me a long time to get over you, I eventually did or at least distracted enough that I wasn't constantly missing you. You keep lying to yourself soon it just becomes the truth. I did every trick in the book to get over you, list all the bad times, the things I hated about you, which were hardly ever present before. And so when things started again, I had these in my head, festering. I saw how life was without you, me functioning just fine. Hard at times, but I was doing it, besides I had 40 hours of work and internship and school, it was my distraction and it worked. One day I just got over it. Until stupid drunk text messages on my birthday, which more than half were from my friends and not me that made you feel like you wanted to try again. You didn't reach out to me first, it was me. And I don't know what to think about that or how to feel about that. Like you didn't make the effort, even though you can say you wanted to and by all means say that but still doesn't change how it happened, or better yet, lack there of. And I guess you can say this is the pot calling the kettle black because you say when I'm with you I'm not really there or that I'm texting on my phone or just I don't know, but i'm physically there. And no matter how many times I tell you I want to make this work and I'm trying and I wouldn't be wasting my time if i didn't want to be with you. It doesn't matter because all you judge are my actions. My actions that some how don't fit into this criteria you have of how someone should act when they are with someone. Well in anywhere in that manual does it say how someone should act around a person that broke up with them and made them feel used and a rebound? How about that? How about someone who just doesn't want so much structure or rules or guidelines they have to follow? You made it very VERY clear from the beginning you wanted a relationship. You wanted me to be your girlfriend and I told you I couldn't do that. I told you I don't know when I'll be ready to do that. And you said you still wanted to make this work. So where are you now? I know i'm hard to deal with, I know that. I have a heavy guard, I don't let you in very much but its hard. Just like you said its hard for you to talk. Well its hard for me to be like that as well. Last time i let my guard down I got burned. You asked me to forget that, but hell even if it wasn't you that burned me, it would still be hard for ANYONE to do that. So what am I suppose to do? You know for the past two days i've been going back and forth on just giving in and doing what you want, being your girlfriend, giving you that commitment because I want to BE with you. I want you in my life. I know to you, it didn't seem like this due to my "actions" or how I was around you but its been killing my not being able to text you or talk to you. All I keep thinking about all the things I still wanted to do with you, all the restaurants I would have loved to gone with you. But i don't know if that even matters, because again I can't picture how my "actions" will be if were were to do all this but right now, I feel like I would have been different. Right now, I feel like I want to do anything to make this work. But what if its too late? I feel this ticking time bomb on my head that with each passing moment I am slowly losing you. Every moment I let go to waste you are letting go. So all I want to do is reach out but I'm afraid again, I won't live up to your standards. I'll disappoint you again or not be the person you want me to be and you'll just end things once again. Cause hell thats how i've been feeling. Even though I wanted to just hang out and be in each others company I still always felt the looming presence of you wanting to have a girlfriend. That pressure that one day you'll ask me that question again and you'll make me choose or give me an ultimatum. Which I guess you did. I could never fully enjoy myself with you because I always felt like I was in a test or that I had to follow every standard of someone's girlfriend or what you wanted in a girlfriend. I can't live up to those expectations! You never verbalized it but I can still feel it. Just like how you felt I was distracted or didn't put you in priority. And I told you, I admit my friends were a higher priority because I never felt like I had to be someone I wasn't around them. Again this goes back to my biggest fear in that what if you don't like the girl I actually am but the girl that was once infatuated by you who did everything you said because she didn't want to lose you. She was acting like a mindless idiot whose life just revolved around you. I can't be that. not again, not ever. It wasn't who I was. So if you couldn't like the person who I am now, then I guess this break or whatever this is, is right. We chalked it up to timing, and timing could definitely have played a role, but like it always with us, there's so much more underneath. So again, I'm trying to figure out if I should really even reach out to you and try to do whatever it takes to make this work. You said once before that you were disappointed if I let things go and didn't put up a fight. So if i put up a fight now would that make a difference? Or are you already too far gone? So now i'm just conflicted, I want to so bad to call you up and talk to you and give this another try. I want to so bad, but I don't want to feel those things I felt towards you, the negative ones. I don't want to hurt you but I can't have expectations placed upon me. I keep trying to question my every move and ask myself why do I want to reach out to you, why do I want to make this work and all I can think of is that I just miss you, i want you in my life. I feel comfortable around you which is hard to come by, even though you always question whether I am comfortable around you but I say that I am. You know me, at least more so than others in a way. I can picture us doing boring tasks like going food shopping or going to the mall and I want to be able to just drive in the car with you and feel comfortable and act like an old married couple. I want that. I want that with you. But I'm also afraid I'm not thinking clearly and not remember how I really felt or at least how i've felt the past few months. And I'm trying..I'm trying to remember those feelings...clearly. I feel like I need to reach out to my friends and make them convince me that talking to him is a bad idea. It is not smart, I'm trying desperately to remember how negative I felt towards him and get me back to that place but honestly im having a hard time. Reading old journal entries help. but again, I'm just confused. I just wanted things to keep going. I need a distraction.

out of boredom? or just...i dont know

I'm not feeling particularly articulate today, but I am feeling a bit antsy, and that I need to be doing something. The nap in the middle of the afternoon might not have been the best idea, given that it was a thursday but whatever, guess I'm paying for it now when I'm wide awake with nothing to do. Well that's not true, I can find things to do, like work or read chapters for school, but..I'm not. I opted not do that. I thought about writing in my journal, because I haven't done that in a while. I thought about writing about jack and how I feeling/dealing with that whole situation, but I just couldn't find the motivation to physically write in my journal. Cop it up to laziness and sometimes its just fucking convient to type and quicker sometimes then physically writing it out. I guess better to get it out any which way then to not...then again I always like the idea of going back, flipping through actual pages in my journal and reading the words that crossed my mind in my own handwriting on sheets of papers. Again, I guess something is better than nothing, as this is right now. I am just getting something out. I mean I am in the profession of counseling and advocating that people should speak to someone about their feelings, thoughts, concerns, etc. to help better understand themselves/whats going on for them. I need to do this. I really do need to talk to someone I don't know, a professional. I need to feel how it is on the other sider of the room and this is something that is strongly suggested amongst everyone in my field. As I mentioned before I believe this could be a huge benefit for me. I know I have a lot of things I need to work on and things that have affected me. I've said plenty of times, and I've even made excuses for myself in that I forget a lot of things, or sometimes I come off as not caring because I am not processing everything that is happening to me at the moment. I am not fully focusing on things that are happening to me, as much as I might consciously try but unconsciously I might also be building up this wall and blocking the negative feelings. Such as the feelings of feeling rejected, hurt, anger, sadness, etc. I sometimes block out these emotions, consciously avoid thinking about things that cause me pain, and sometimes this happens unconsciously too im sure. And how this has affected me? I mean I believe I can pinpoint a few things.

I guess whats going on presently on most on the surface is how I am dealing with jack being back in my life and my whole "dating" situation. From the start of the fall semester/first semester of graduate school I was very much focused on what I had going on, school, internship and work. Those three things took up all of my time and I was happy/satisfied with that, for the most part. I still missed having that person in my life, like jack was before but right now, for the life of me, I can't remember or can't place why I felt those feelings. I can revert myself back to that place. Which may be because I am a different person than who I was then, which I like to think I was or that I'm just trying not to get hurt again, which again, I also think is logical because I did end up getting hurt before but maybe something unconscious is happening as well. I mean there has to be a reason I am holding on to him now even though I have not been fully into it and finding myself getting annoyed at him/picking fights. It says something when I don't mind being alone or maybe I've just developed a comfort to that. But it can also be that I just dont have the fucking time to devote another part of me to something else. I'm already split into threes, I don't think I can handle a fourth? And why do that when I dont even know I want a forth? But what keeps me from letting go completely and me holding on? I like the idea of having someone or knowing that he'll be there for me if i needed him and maybe I secretly enjoy that this time around he has more feelings for me than I do him. Its like I have the power in this, and you know what, I probably do. So maybe I like holding onto that. Maybe I also just like having someone there physically. I do enjoy kissing quite a bit, I just wish I felt that same spark I felt for him last time around. Hell I wish I felt something strong for anyone right now.

What I really want now in life is to be able to enjoy it, go out, have nice dinners with my friends and just be able to connect with people on an intellectual level. I want to have conversations with people that I enjoy and maybe even challenge me. Nothing is better, I think at this point in time then to have a conversation that can just keep going. I don't have to fight to find a subject to talk about and that I can talk freely, without any hesitation and just fucking enjoy it. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends and not have to filter anything and feel like I'm talking about something of importance or substance. I want to be able to do something I enjoy and have some fucking fun. Not only to go out and have drinks and do that whole bit but also I don't know, have fucking conversations. That's what I'm finding to be the most important to me right now.

I guess this post is also all over the place, but then again that is also where my head is at today/right now. I guess I feel like when I do write in these things, in any way shape or form, something huge needs to be happening and there's a conflict or something in my life. But I know, I should just write whenever I have a free chance, even when there is "nothing" bad going on or whatever. Problem with being not only a psych major but a counseling student/prospective counselor in the future, psychoanalysis is bound to happen all the damn time. I much more self-aware that most, I would say, which can be a good thing but also deadly in that I'm always reading into everything/coming up with answers on why I am feeling this way/doing this that and the other thing. For example I should probably process what happened today in the case conference session in which I presented and receive feedback, but i dont think I want to. Well I know I don't want to, I dont feel the need to re-hash everything and again, I know I am lying to myself/making excuses but maybe I didn't really process everything that was going on in that room. Or I can talk about how I felt which I felt to a degree I was being interrogated, that might not be the best word but whatever, my minds fuzzy. But obviously I was placed on the hot seat, it was also 9am and my mind wasn't as sharp then then it would be lets say at 12pm and after a good cup of coffee. Anyway, it felt like it wasn't like a regular case conference, at least not like the other two I could compare it too that was on the same levels with the interns. It felt more like they were telling me more on what I did/didn't do and what it sounded like to them rather than just a discussion about the case, which was what I was aiming for, which happened eventually but I don't know. I guess what happened happened. Again, don't want to feel the pain or whatever negative feeling that might be associated with that so I would like to move on...at least for now. But I also find just typing out, blasting some music is being therapeutic for me. Or at least I'm just fucking enjoying doing something, typing, and just getting whatever the fuck out. Also random note that I felt like what the hell might as well get it out because none of this has been filtered tonight, is that I wanted to eat flan earlier, and thought to eat it later in the night, but didn't and now not craving it. Save that for tomorrow. Which speaking of tomorrow, I feel like I'm gonna have to see jack, which...I feel will probably end up how it has with us going to eat or just going to his house and "hanging" out. Which I am bored with, I want to do something else. It feels fucking boring just watching fucking videos on his bed which eventually will lead to more, and at this point, there's not much stopping us from sleeping with each other. I mean he said he's "comfortable with me now" whatever the hell that means, its just up to me at this point I guess. Which I dont know I have to sort out how I feel about that and see if I am ready to do that. I mean I use to say I was, and wanted to just jump his bones and sometimes parts of me wants to follow through on that, but there's also a pull on me saying, but you don't really have a lot of feelings for him, at least not like you did. So do you really want to settle? I guess if you can call it that. I don't know. But I'm done for tonight.