Had to get my thoughts out in case i forgot them...
How hard is the truth from you? Or How am i suppose to tell that your telling me the truth and that all that you say to me is what you really feel. All those persona's you portray only reinforce the fact that I can never know when your being honest with me. How do i know that i'm not another one of your little puppets you like to play around with? I know to some extent this is not true, however there's still a good amount of me that doesn't know what to think. I can't say i'm 100% sure about this. I hate letting the day's pass us by without really getting to the bottom of things. Time is going to keep going past us and the next thing you know months have past and things have changed again. When can we find the right moment for us to...be us? We go on with our days because no times seems right, or we just can't find the time to make things right. I don't want months to past or things to be forgotten or buried so far deep its impossible to get back to the surface. Yet...i'm still not even 100% comfortable talking to you about everything because...we haven't been on the same page in...a really long time.
Why does today feel like i'm in a world wind? I feel like things are flashing by me and I can't grasp anything because its going by too fast. I feel like everything around me is going a hundred miles an hour and i just can't keep up and opportunities are passing me by.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Got It All Wrong- Wakey!Wakey!
It's been long enough that I can think of you
It's been long enough that I can speak to you
But I don't really think that you want to anymore
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me I'm sure
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
So we tried our best but it wasn't enough
And yeah we tried so hard that we fucked it up
And I understand, yeah I understand your love
And it's gotta be hard, what you're going through
And I get what you say but it's what we do
Got to see her and I guess what's done is done
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
The days are short and the nights are long
And it's all fucked up but we carry on
Cause there's little else and there's nothing left to do
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me too
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
-Got It All Wrong, Wakey!Wakey!
It's been long enough that I can speak to you
But I don't really think that you want to anymore
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me I'm sure
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
So we tried our best but it wasn't enough
And yeah we tried so hard that we fucked it up
And I understand, yeah I understand your love
And it's gotta be hard, what you're going through
And I get what you say but it's what we do
Got to see her and I guess what's done is done
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
The days are short and the nights are long
And it's all fucked up but we carry on
Cause there's little else and there's nothing left to do
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me too
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
-Got It All Wrong, Wakey!Wakey!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Time
Time is a funny thing. It's constant. There's no changing it, it happens whether we like it or not sometimes. Sometimes time helps heal the wounds we have and sometimes it makes those wounds we have, bigger.
I started this blog in November 2009 and now its Feburary 2010. Sure its only been four months but actually, i'm quite surprise i've kept this blog up for so long. It doesn't seem like four months is a long time but looking back at the entries and remembering what i've been going through for these past four months..it feels like a journey. Four months ago i needed something to turn to, to express the thoughts and feelings I was having because there was no one I could turn too. I've dealt with some of the lowest lows and highest highs these past four months and looking back today, its hard to imagine that it's only been four months. It feels like a whirl wind.
I've had to deal with losing one of my closet friends these past few months. Slowly but surely I have. I had to go through a time where I felt like I was losing him to someone else then have him come back in my life, though slightly different. Then again losing him slowly once again. There was a time where I would think about this person everyday. You could see it in one of my previous post about how comfortable I felt around him, how I thought about him everyday. It's funny how time changes those feelings. I went day by day thinking about him with nothing happening. I went through each day hoping our friendship or relationship would bounce back to normal or escalate into something better, but it never did. Instead I just lived day by day without my 'best' friend to talk to. After talking to this person everyday for, god knows how long and it seemed like forever, I wasn't anymore. I had to get use to the fact that this person was no longer there for me to talk to anymore.
Days would go by and I would silently wait and hope that we would somehow find our way back. However sometimes during those days I got hurt by the very same person I was hoping to change this situation we were in. I had convinced myself that this was just a phase and it wouldn't go on too long. Things were just off for the moment but they would bounce back. However those days just dragged out longer and longer and I was getting hurt more and more each day. I finally had to come to the realization that things weren't going to change. All this hoping and waiting wasn't doing anything and it surely wasn't doing any good for me. And so I had to start letting go. I had to go through my days not thinking about this person which at the time I thought was impossible. And now...now that time has past, I realize I do think about this person less. I'm not waiting around anymore or hoping because it did me no good. It's just now I realize just how much time and how far we've come.
There use to be a time where not a day went by without us speaking to each other and now I'd be more surprise if I heard from that person then the silence I receive everyday.
Time is helping. The days our passing by me and the pain I feel is becoming less and less. It's still prominent, and probably will be for some time but its less, slightly less then the day before. And now I just have to go on with my life not hoping for a change in this person because the alternative hurts more.
I started this blog in November 2009 and now its Feburary 2010. Sure its only been four months but actually, i'm quite surprise i've kept this blog up for so long. It doesn't seem like four months is a long time but looking back at the entries and remembering what i've been going through for these past four months..it feels like a journey. Four months ago i needed something to turn to, to express the thoughts and feelings I was having because there was no one I could turn too. I've dealt with some of the lowest lows and highest highs these past four months and looking back today, its hard to imagine that it's only been four months. It feels like a whirl wind.
I've had to deal with losing one of my closet friends these past few months. Slowly but surely I have. I had to go through a time where I felt like I was losing him to someone else then have him come back in my life, though slightly different. Then again losing him slowly once again. There was a time where I would think about this person everyday. You could see it in one of my previous post about how comfortable I felt around him, how I thought about him everyday. It's funny how time changes those feelings. I went day by day thinking about him with nothing happening. I went through each day hoping our friendship or relationship would bounce back to normal or escalate into something better, but it never did. Instead I just lived day by day without my 'best' friend to talk to. After talking to this person everyday for, god knows how long and it seemed like forever, I wasn't anymore. I had to get use to the fact that this person was no longer there for me to talk to anymore.
Days would go by and I would silently wait and hope that we would somehow find our way back. However sometimes during those days I got hurt by the very same person I was hoping to change this situation we were in. I had convinced myself that this was just a phase and it wouldn't go on too long. Things were just off for the moment but they would bounce back. However those days just dragged out longer and longer and I was getting hurt more and more each day. I finally had to come to the realization that things weren't going to change. All this hoping and waiting wasn't doing anything and it surely wasn't doing any good for me. And so I had to start letting go. I had to go through my days not thinking about this person which at the time I thought was impossible. And now...now that time has past, I realize I do think about this person less. I'm not waiting around anymore or hoping because it did me no good. It's just now I realize just how much time and how far we've come.
There use to be a time where not a day went by without us speaking to each other and now I'd be more surprise if I heard from that person then the silence I receive everyday.
Time is helping. The days our passing by me and the pain I feel is becoming less and less. It's still prominent, and probably will be for some time but its less, slightly less then the day before. And now I just have to go on with my life not hoping for a change in this person because the alternative hurts more.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Hung Up
It's been a little while, my past two posts have been solely songs. I guess I'm just slowly...definitely slowly coming to realize that...i have to move on. I have to stop being so hung up on the past because its not helping me move forward. For a good long while I didn't have the biggest support system. I dealt with problems and issues all on my own, thought about them in my own head and took my own advice. This worked out for me, then again this was all I had. Now as i've built up my support system and have a fair share of people i could go to if i truly need help, i find myself having to guard myself and not being able to fully tell them whats going on in my life. In certain situations I have to leave names out and when i can say names these people don't really understand to the full extent just what's going on in this situation. I guess, people really can't know to the full extent what situation your in, until they themselves are in that particular situation. But they can still listen, still give their input and in some cases offer some advice and what they think. And now lately...now that i have been telling people whats going on in my life, to some extent, I find that i'm slowly...kinda, losing myself in all of this. I'm worried, and I shouldn't be, I know I shouldn't be. But i'm still worried about what these people say when they do realize just how deep I am into this situation and what they're gonna say when I don't listen to their advice. I know I should, it'll probably be beneficial for me to listen to them...but I just can't find myself...yet.
I pride myself to be tough. As much as i believe in all that fairy tale romance and the typical chick flick story I don't want to be that naive girl that keeps going back to the asshole, or the douche. If i step back, look at my own situation from the outside, take the emotions out of the equation, I would kick myself. I would tell myself that I should be better then this. I should move on, kick this person to the curb. If this person has hurt you the way that they did I would say you don't need this person in your life. However that's when the emotions come rushing back in and I immediately get reminded how much this person has already affected my life...in a good way. I truly believe that this person has helped me open up so much more and made me so much more self aware. This person has helped me become much, much, much more comfortable in my own skin. This person has made me realize that I don't need to change for anyone and that I should just be exactly who I am. That's kinda funny though...because this person says that..yet we're not together. Or can't be. I don't know. That could be another story, or one in all the same. I'm realizing now as well that this blog, as it started out as my outlet and for me to write my feelings out using song lyrics, has majorly been about one person, or a situation around this person.
I heard the other day that sometimes people..."They wanna hear the songs with the words they're too afraid to say..." Which i find completely and utterly true. This is what my blog was to be based on. Finding those song lyrics to express those words I'm too afraid to say. And that has been true these past couple of days for me. I've had trouble talking and finding the words to say to this one particular person, however as you've seen in my past two posts I've found the songs. These are the words I would want to say. I just haven't found the courage yet. Well that's one part. The other part is just me thinking I need to be strong and move away from something that has proven its not good for me.
I've slowly done that though. I have been pulling myself away and trying not to dwell on the fact that this situation is not working out. However, like its happen in the past, as soon as i make the effort to move on, move past whatever it is, the other person draws me RIGHT back on. Almost immediately. It's like they have a radar. So I got sucked right back in and even though i told myself not to get my hopes up, lets just see where this sudden revelation goes, see if it takes...it didn't and my hopes got drawn up a bit. So the end result? Me getting hurt, once again, even if its a little bit, it still adds onto the already there pile. And now...i'm just trying not to see the point in trying anymore. And honestly, I think i've become the girl that has gotten kick so many times that she FINALLY comes to realize that enough is enough. I wish that the first kick would have done this end result..but it didn't, and i had to endure the many kicks first. However...sadly i have to say that we'll see how long this lasts because I'll admit, i'm sure I can be easily swayed to having my hopes up again. I blame all the romantic comedy's or chick flicks I've seen. They give me hope that someday I'll get my own chick flick type story and happy ending.
This post was all over the place but I had to get something out. This isn't one of the best writings i've had, but I needed to post. I thought I should share some freelance thoughts going on in my head today. Back to pandora-ing Colbie Caillat and finding chick flick movies and reading romance novels..by Nicholas Sparks. Yea...i'm just feeding the monster..I know.
I pride myself to be tough. As much as i believe in all that fairy tale romance and the typical chick flick story I don't want to be that naive girl that keeps going back to the asshole, or the douche. If i step back, look at my own situation from the outside, take the emotions out of the equation, I would kick myself. I would tell myself that I should be better then this. I should move on, kick this person to the curb. If this person has hurt you the way that they did I would say you don't need this person in your life. However that's when the emotions come rushing back in and I immediately get reminded how much this person has already affected my life...in a good way. I truly believe that this person has helped me open up so much more and made me so much more self aware. This person has helped me become much, much, much more comfortable in my own skin. This person has made me realize that I don't need to change for anyone and that I should just be exactly who I am. That's kinda funny though...because this person says that..yet we're not together. Or can't be. I don't know. That could be another story, or one in all the same. I'm realizing now as well that this blog, as it started out as my outlet and for me to write my feelings out using song lyrics, has majorly been about one person, or a situation around this person.
I heard the other day that sometimes people..."They wanna hear the songs with the words they're too afraid to say..." Which i find completely and utterly true. This is what my blog was to be based on. Finding those song lyrics to express those words I'm too afraid to say. And that has been true these past couple of days for me. I've had trouble talking and finding the words to say to this one particular person, however as you've seen in my past two posts I've found the songs. These are the words I would want to say. I just haven't found the courage yet. Well that's one part. The other part is just me thinking I need to be strong and move away from something that has proven its not good for me.
I've slowly done that though. I have been pulling myself away and trying not to dwell on the fact that this situation is not working out. However, like its happen in the past, as soon as i make the effort to move on, move past whatever it is, the other person draws me RIGHT back on. Almost immediately. It's like they have a radar. So I got sucked right back in and even though i told myself not to get my hopes up, lets just see where this sudden revelation goes, see if it takes...it didn't and my hopes got drawn up a bit. So the end result? Me getting hurt, once again, even if its a little bit, it still adds onto the already there pile. And now...i'm just trying not to see the point in trying anymore. And honestly, I think i've become the girl that has gotten kick so many times that she FINALLY comes to realize that enough is enough. I wish that the first kick would have done this end result..but it didn't, and i had to endure the many kicks first. However...sadly i have to say that we'll see how long this lasts because I'll admit, i'm sure I can be easily swayed to having my hopes up again. I blame all the romantic comedy's or chick flicks I've seen. They give me hope that someday I'll get my own chick flick type story and happy ending.
This post was all over the place but I had to get something out. This isn't one of the best writings i've had, but I needed to post. I thought I should share some freelance thoughts going on in my head today. Back to pandora-ing Colbie Caillat and finding chick flick movies and reading romance novels..by Nicholas Sparks. Yea...i'm just feeding the monster..I know.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Still Breathing
Give me any reason to believe
'Cause I swear I'm done here
'Cause I've seen a bigger picture
And I'm looking for some answers
Tell me that it's worth it
'Cause I'm doing all I can to fight it
And I've never been this scared
And my moment's finally here
Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Promise me some dignity
If I were to stand and die here
'Cause my heart is somewhere else
It's a pain I've never felt
Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Where do we all find love?
Where do we all find love?
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed (I'm still breathing)
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own (I'm still breathing)
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Still Breathing - Mayday Parade
'Cause I swear I'm done here
'Cause I've seen a bigger picture
And I'm looking for some answers
Tell me that it's worth it
'Cause I'm doing all I can to fight it
And I've never been this scared
And my moment's finally here
Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Promise me some dignity
If I were to stand and die here
'Cause my heart is somewhere else
It's a pain I've never felt
Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Where do we all find love?
Where do we all find love?
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed (I'm still breathing)
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own (I'm still breathing)
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Still Breathing - Mayday Parade
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