Tried

You know today, i just really wanted some peace and quiet. I stayed away from communication with most people. I just didn't feel up to it today to talk with anyone...but you. i was hoping you would text me, or reach out to me in some way. You would have been the person to make me feel better, or the one I wanted to make me feel better. But instead I chose to just not talk, not reach out to anyone. I felt like i needed to do that for myself. I'm also reeling from a birthday debacle that hurt me in some ways. I'll post the entry I wrote about that day in another post. But sometimes I do feel like I need to go into a shell, just to gain perspective, or just to have some quiet and think. And the thoughts I came up with today? I never got stressed before about these friendships i've made. I never over-analyzed at least not to the point were it kept me up all night and it was all i thought about. You know, I just, i never gave too much thought about me and you. I always thought we were just friends, great friends. I never once felt like it could be something more. Once light was shed that you might have felt differently I told myself, still...dont think it could be something more. Don't think too much into this revelation just so I wouldn't get hurt. I wouldn't be left after you were gone, thinking about you and having these feelings for you. And...on the flip side of everything, it still turned out this way. But it just boggles my mind because at the start of all this and the majority of our friendship, thats all that I thought about it. We were just really good friends. My own insecurities about not wanting to bother you or fearing i talked to much with you was never an issue before. But its different now and these insecurities became present. Along with these insecurities came feelings and me constantly thinking about you and our situation. Oh how i just wish I could say all this to you and figure some sort of stable ground. Or really just decided whether this can become something more or we just forget it all together. Someone said to me the other day that this friendship has already changed so either go forth or just forget about it all because it wasn't worth it, and if you didn't feel the same way, then it definitely isn't worth it.

Linger

I heard a song today that just reinstated why I started this blog in the first place. I looked up the lyrics and they fit so perfectly on whats been going on in my life lately. Here it is.

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure i'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
And i swore, i swore i would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But i'm in so deep
You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, i thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But i was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And i wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And i'm in so deep
You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger


You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

-Linger, Cranberries
(I heard the Kelly Clarkson cover of this song by the way)

back to back posts- 2 parts

Part 1-My Thoughts
My thoughts have been racing lately. My sleeping schedule has been thrown off and a shitload of thoughts have infiltrated my head. I feel like i'm going to have to start carrying a notebook and pen around me at all times just so i can jot down all the random thoughts i have in my head. The ones that I at least wanna write down and save in an important place. I've had so many thoughts pass through my head that I've wanted to save and remember to either write down in a notebook or to put into a post on this blog. It sucks because I have such bad short term memory, and i put the blame on the fact that i've become so good at repressing thoughts that even good thoughts get repressed now. They get so easily forgotten and lost in this brain of mine that its really hard to get them back. I've had to come to the conclusion of wanting to carrying a pen and paper around with me at all times. That or to somehow finally release all the thoughts and memories i've repressed over the years to help create the space in my head to actually hold onto short term memories. I believe the only way of truly helping myself in the long run would be to go to a therapist and actually talk to someone about it. However I can't right now but I am counting this as my first step. This is helping me get my thoughts out.
Last night at around 4am i couldn't fall asleep. I had so many thoughts running around in my head that needed to escape or else. I needed to tell someone something, to get something out of my head. I ended up sending a message to the one person I could think of that I would feel comfortable doing that too. This is the one person in my life at this point in time that I could truly talk to and really, really understand me. I feel like people say that all the time, but I think I really did find the person I could count on forever and always. At least I hope so. It feels that way to me now. So I sent the message...tried to go to sleep afterwards and still could not. Thats when I got the nearest thing that I could "write" my feelings down which was the notepad on my ipod. After I wrote a little I sent it to my email and was finally able to fall asleep.

Part 2-Love
You know, my definition of love has been relatively constant from the time that I fully started to understand the concept. When I was little I never knew what that word meant, in fact I can't even remember coming across that word when I was little. Maybe during valentine's day, or making cards for my parents on Mother's or Father's day. However it was always just to put Love, my name. I didn't come from a household that expressed their love, at least not literally. As I got older and started to develop more ideological thinking and such, the word started to get some meaning. For a good portion of my life I would never say the words I Love You, or use the word love to express something. I didn't throw the word around lightly, or better yet, I didn't really throw the word around at all. I would hear my friends tell their friends how much they loved them, or see my friends who were in relationships say that they loved their boyfriend or girlfriend. I could never do that.
I started to grow up with the concept of love that was built on what was portrayed on television and in the movies. I got swooped up in that fairy tale love that is shown and what everyone wants. I heard, just recently that anyone can write a romance novel. You just need two characters who have to overcome this great obstacle and one has to sacrifice themselves for the other and of course the ending has to be a happily ever after. At least the good happy stories. This is what's portray to girls, this is how people start to believe how love is, when in reality...its not. Love is not always perfect. I know that now, as I've grown up, however I would be lying if I didn't still wish and secretly hope I do have a fairy tale love and a happily ever after. Back to the reason I could never use the word love was because I always felt love meant almost complete devotion to someone. I felt like you truly loved someone when you would give up anything and everything for them. I felt like if you were willing to sacrifice yourself for this person that you loved them. And I never felt that way towards anyone...until now.
I've found someone who I can be completely and 100% honest with. I can be myself around this person and its totally fine. We're on the same page and feel the same way about things. Of course we're not twins and think the same about everything but I'm okay with that. Sure there are things that bother me about this person and some things I dont necessarily understand, however for the most part, we get each other. There are times where I have doubt about his feelings towards me, but who doesn't? I believe thats human nature to have some ounce of self esteem issues. But this person is someone that I can't stop thinking about. He's on my mind everyday and I've never felt like this before. However life's not perfect and my life is no different.
Circumstances have come up where this person and I are not together. In fact I've never really truly told him how I felt. Then again, for the most part I've just recently come to this revelation of what I wrote up there. It isn't unknown to the both of us however that we have feelings for each other. We just see some many obstacles in our way for us to be together that we can't really look past them. He doesn't want to hurt me and we both don't want our friendship to be ruined. I can't speak for him, though I think its also true on his behalf, but I don't think I could stand it if he weren't in my life. I just, there's just so many hardships we would have to get past to even try this out. A part of me wants to just go for it and try it. This is my first time feeling like this and i don't know when this will ever happen to me again. The other part of me just can't see or get over the fact that there are things standing in our way. I believe the majority of his reasoning for not wanting to give this a try is because he doesn't want to hurt me, which he has said time and time again. Believe you me, I don't want to be hurt by him also but it is a two way street. There are two people, for the most part, involved in this. I want to give this a try, I have hope that this could work and be something special. I believe in the fact that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. It's only a mistake if you didn't learn from it.
This has been on my mind these past couple of days and I fear its only gonna get stronger until I sort this out and figure out exactly what i want to do.

Not to long

I created this blog as my outlet. I don't want the time between posts to drag on because knowing me? i'll just stop posting all together. It's been a couple of hectic days since my last post. My mind has been all over the place. I can't even remember or pinpoint my past few emotional days just because i'm so use to repressing them. But lets see, i had my string of finals to take, my birthday in the midst of that, as well as my best....? good friends 21st birthday. I feel like using the expression best friend is a contradiction to one of my earlier posts, but i really do feel like shes becoming one of my best friends. And i may be shooting myself in the foot right now and regretting say that later, but as of right now, thats how i feel. So also between all that I got into a terrible fight with my mom, once again, which ended up with us not talking for days and her not talking to me on my birthday. Not even wishing me a happy birthday. Thanks mom...i'll always remember my XX birthday as the one where you didnt even wish me a happy birthday. Though thats not much different from the rest of my birthdays, they usually just suck all together anyway. But enough about that for now.

I finally got to go out last night for my friends 21st birthday. I was hesitant to go, and even planning on backing out. However it turned out to be a good night. I had fun. Ah, dont know how else to put my mind out, and cant find lyrics. This is a time crunch post, just wanted to put in a little something before i go on and stop posting all together. Come back to post, when i can.

Song for yesterday!

Just found the perfect song for yesterdays post from one of my favorite blogs-Jill and Kate's Blog. They post songs every 17th day of the month and this song is from November. This was a new song which they really didnt finish yet, but i for cannot wait to hear the rest of it because already they got me captivated. Here's the video for the song:

lyrics:

I miss you so
And you’ll never know
I’m too afraid to try to show you love
To give it up
To let you know I might
Care a little
Care a lot
Have a place for you in this big ol’ heart of mine
I hide it well
And maybe you’ll never see
But you’ve got me
Do you still remember me
Your long lost friend you used to need
I’m still hoping that you might
Find a way back
And if you ever think of me
I hope you know it’ll never be
Too late for you to make your way back

-Unfinished Song, Jill and Kate

Funny Some Things

Its funny, I can be upset for days, weeks, even months at a time because of you. One good day with you and i feel great. Happy. Just in a better mood. I honestly don't know why you have such an effect on me but you do. You really can make my mood either really great or just make my day suck. I honestly don't know what to do about it? How come you can do this? What hold do you have over me? I don't understand it. And there's a part of me that hates that you have this hold over me. That you can affect me this much and you know what? You probably have no idea.

Two songs...

Two songs can sum it up today...

Once upon a time
i believe it was a tuesday when i caught your eye
and we caught onto something
i hold onto the night
you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me

were you just kidding?
cause it seems to me
this thing is breaking down we almost never speak
i don't feel welcome anymore
baby what happened, please tell me
cause one second it was perfect now you're halfway out the door

and i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when he said forever and always
oh, and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause i was there when you said forever and always

was i out of line?
did i say something way too honest, made you run and hide
like a scared little boy
i looked into your eyes
thought i knew you for a minute, now i'm not so sure
so here's to everything coming down to nothing
here's to silence
that cuts me to the core
where is this going?
thought i knew for a minute, but i don't anymore

and i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when he said forever and always
oh, and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause i was there when you said forever and always
you didn't mean it baby
i don't think so

back up, baby, back up
did you forget everything?
back up, baby, back up
did you forget everything?

cause it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause i was there when you said forever and always

oh i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when we said forever and always
and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause I was there when you said forever and always
didn't mean it baby
you said forever and always yeah

Forever & Always - Taylor Swift


We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and
easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here somehow
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every Rose Has its Thorn- Poison

Grain of Salt

This post is mostly dedicated to you. I'm hoping one day I'll be able to share this with you.

I got hit with a wave of nostalgia and the urge to look into the past. After just reading, thinking and remembering about the people we were in the past, it lead me to right this post. Its making me think, and miss about how our relationship use to be. I use to be able to trust you completely. I felt like I could talk to you so openly and honestly. You've been the one person, in a long time, if ever, that I could just be myself around. I didn't have to filter what I wanted to say. I never had to guard myself around you. I just felt so comfortable and myself around you. I loved that feeling. You made me happier then I ever felt in a really long time. I found my one friend I needed all my life to just be there for me. The person I could count on to listen to me and just be around who wouldn't get sick of me. I never had to take whatever you said with a grain of salt. I trusted the words you would say to me and never thought too much on how this could be a lie. I can't say the same now though. I've come to realize that I have lost my trust in you. You hurt me a lot with the actions you've done. I tried to kid myself and lessen this hurt so we could end up being okay and back to ourselves. However I can't do that anymore. We aren't the same. I'm different. You're different. This may all stem from the fact that I feel the distant I've felt for the past month come up again. I thought we got past all that, but apparently not. Before, this distant feeling would never even come up. I would never feel this way with you before. Ever since you've hurt me though I've had these feelings come up. My view of you has changed. I never thought you would hurt me the way you did. And the best part is that I tried my hardest on not getting hurt. As things were going down I was telling myself, don't think too much on this subject, don't get hurt. Keep the guard you've had up for the past couple of years up because you don't want to get hurt again. Then there was a part of me thinking you could never hurt me, I trusted you not to. I thought our special relationship could survive it and we'll be okay. So my guard went down a little. I started to really feel and let go. And as soon as I did, I got hurt. You hurt me. I told you after everything was done with, and you started to reach out to me again that I was okay with it all. That I understood what you did, because I just wanted to be friends with you again. I just wanted our friendship and relationship back. I wanted that guy who I could be totally honest and myself with because I was deprived of that for a long time. I had to be around you for about a month, maybe 2 months and had to suffer with the fact that you really weren't that guy for me anymore. You weren't there when I needed you the most, and it was your choice! It was your actions that made this happen! But after all was said and done, I told you it was okay. I understood why you made the choices you did. I never mentioned just how much it hurt me though, or at least I didn't tell you just to what extent it hurt me. I didn't want you to know how much it hurt me because really, I just wanted my friend back. I wanted to go back towards the comfort we had. And I felt like we did...for about 2 seconds. I just can't help that in the back of my head I have this feeling of hurt with me. I have thoughts about how I'm not sure whether I can fully trust the words your saying to me. Its hurting me now because before, I felt like I could have this conversation with you, and it wouldn't push you away. Because you've already been pushed away, in a sense, I feel like I can't bring up this subject to you. I can't have this conversation with you because I am afraid of what you'll say. I never felt like this before. Its also the fact that I do feel that because we had that period of time of us being distant with each other, its happening more so now then before. It just sucks. Plain and simple. I hate that you hurt me. I hate that I felt like I lost you when I did. I hate the fact that I feel like im still losing you and that we lost the friendship we had. We had a conversation before saying that we both felt like we had this strong, awesome bond with each other. That we could openly tell each other anything and the other would understand completely. You told me before that I was one of the few people that you could talk too. Now I feel like that could have all been lies. YOU told me that you wanted me in your life for YEARS! YOU said I meant something to you! That I was important to you! You would hate it if you lost me in your life! That You wanted me in your life in some way all the time! Was that just lies?? I want to believe it wasnt. I really really do, because I felt the same way. I valued our friendship so much. You were very much an important figure in my life! Other people in my life could see the difference in me after I met you! They saw how happy I was and it was because I finally found someone I could be 100% myself with. That was you! I really can't help but feel like you didn't mean all the words to me. I just feel like if that were the case, if everything you said we're true, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I can't help but feel selfish for even saying that as well. Maybe I'm looking too much into this, however its really how I feel. It is me? Do I just put too much into something? Should I just relax and go with the flow? Argh. Past friendships and those that have been lost have made me feel these conflicting feelings. I don't want to lose this friendship. I was too serious with some past relationships, I put too much importance on them. I valued them too much I guess and that ended up with me losing those friendships because of that. So I could learn from those friendships that I've lost and just chill out with this one and not think about it. However on the other side of it, all friendships are different, I should learn from my mistakes, but this might not be the same. I don't know. I'm just hurting. I don't know what to do. I just want to take a step back and just forget it all. Go with the flow. However will I lose you because of that? Because I feel like there's a chance I will, especially if all you said was a lie. Therefore now, I feel like I have to take things you say with a grain of salt. I always say that if someone screws me over, then I'm done with them. I don't need them in my life. I should be strong and independent. I feel like I should be kicking myself for still wanting you in my life after the things you did to me. But I'm not, and I'm still wanting to have a friendship with you. I can't help it. But will this all just bite me in the ass later? Guess if it does, I'll grow from it again, like I have in the past. I never thought this would is what I would be thinking about with you. I wanna go back to September.

Down. Down. Down.

I'm having one of those down in the dump days. I can't pinpoint exactly what's got me so down, I just know, a lot of things are. It sucks too because today started out to be a pretty decent day. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. The day still had the potential to be good, until later on. I've had a quote stuck in my head lately about being sad and just in a bad mood.
"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember the time of your life when it wasn't. But one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it's so unfamiliar and in that moment you realize, you're happy."

Today's one of those days where the pain is just there. I've worked hard on trying to block this feeling out, trying not to feel bad, not to have this pain inside me. The energy I usually have to not think about this pain is gone for the moment. I'm having trouble not feeling like shit and feeling crappy about everything I see.

I tried getting my feelings across by updating my facebook status-guarenteeing someone would see it. Hoping maybe someone in my life would take notice, say something. However when I was trying to think of the words to say, it all sounded too...sad, too depressing to put up there. I've made it, kinda like my mantra, that I'm very open about who I am. However it feels like I'm contradicting myself because I can't put what I want as my facebook status. I can't even believe that's what its come to in this day and age. I'm thinking about putting a 'facebook status.' I guess it sort of leans into me just wanting to talk to someone. I want to be distracted, I don't want to be feeling down like this. I want to talk to someone to help make me feel better, and for some reason, I can't find a person. Which in therefore leads to more pain and sadness. So im stuck saying, what can I do. Who can I turn to?
I use to have to just silence this pain and sadness. I didn't even have the possibility back then to even think about reaching out to someone. I had no names in mine who would listen to me and who I felt would make me feel better or help me. I can now though, but still, right now, I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like I can't call these people.
I've felt for the past couple of...days, maybe even weeks my friendships being very unbalanced. The values I've placed on my relationship with a friend is different then the values they put on it. Understandably I feel like I value the friendships more. I've had this theme of unbalance come across in many ways just over the course of these past few days, and I'm feeling a bit now. I guess I'm just tired and starting to be overcome with loneliness...which is starting to build the pain inside again. My quote-sometimes the pain you feel just starts to become you. You don't know how it is without this pain, nor do you have the tools to fix it. You get stuck. --I thought I could finish that quote with something inspiring but...I guess I can't today. I just feel stuck. and lonely. and just pain. I'm feeling down in the dumps.

The drops of rain they fall all over
This awkward silence makes me crazy
The glow inside burns light upon her
I'll try to kiss you if you let me
(this can't be the end)

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad

Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so

Your vows of silence fall all over
The look in your eyes makes me crazy
I feel the darkness break upon her
I'll take you over if you let me
(You did this)

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad.

Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so

-Down, Blink 182

Unbalanced and Lonely.

Two things on my mind today, summed up into two words-Unbalance and loneliness.

-It sucks, I created this blog as my outlet, and it sucks when I feel like I don't have the time to write in it. I can't take the time out to write a blog and to write my feelings out, even though I want to. I always feel the weight on my shoulders and this weight is coming down every minute. There's so many productive things I should be doing, however I'm want to just relax, zone out and be free for a little bit. I just want to sit back and write my thoughts down. However there's the flip side on how much work I should be getting done and how if I just put my foot down and get it all organized I would have time for everything. Its the first step that's always the hardest. Once you got one foot out the door, the other will follow. However no one ever tells you the story of how that foot got out that door. There's no clever sayings for that first foot, no cliche, at least not in my book of stored memories of cliches and such.

-This wasnt part of the two word theme's in my head today. Just a little vice needed to be put down. I'll come back tomorrow, hopefully...probably the next day to explain my thoughts/themes of today. Which will probably end up being the themes for the week. There needs to be more hours in the day, or I need to stop procrastinating and get more organized.

After the craziness-emotional outpour

So...I'm back from my weekend away.
I thought it was going to be an emotional weekend, i just never thought the emotions would hit me hard AFTER the weekend was relatively over.
As I mentioned in my previous post I thought this weekend could either go one of two ways, either a great/good weekend, or a weekend that wasn't going to be fun at all...and i was right. This weekend was a hard one, emotionally, physically and just mentally.
Nowadays everyone uses technology, whether its just the simple fact of watching television or having a blackberry and constantly checking emails or texting. This was a weekend where I, as well as the others who went on this trip, were able to get away from all of that. There was the home land line, as well as a computer, but really everyone that went up on this trip, for the most part at least, stayed away from all of that and tried to enjoy the "quiet" weekend, without all that outside world affecting them.
I wouldnt think this would affect me so much, not being able to text, however as soon as I got there, I was needing to text somebody. I needed to talk to someone who wasnt with me. When I got there I started to feel like the weekend was going downhill, and I had to text someone how I was feeling. It took me a while to get over this notion of me not being able to talk to someone 'outside' this situation. It was a hard weekend because I did feel like I wasn't able to talk to anyone. Which kind of defeated the purpose of the weekend in which your suppose to open up, learn more about each other and created bonds of friendships. I felt like I couldn't do that during this trip. Right from the beginning I was already seeing the signs of it not being a good weekend, and my fears becoming true. I was being put on the back burner per say, I was going to be...second, or actually third best. I mean that in terms of my closet friend talking to me, and being around me. It really felt, during the entire weekend that I was a nuisance to her. I could tell it was a hard weekend for her as well, I could pick up the clues here and there and I understand her well enough to know her silent clues, body language and whatnot. It was hard for me however because I value friendships and relationships so much.
I've always said it doesn't matter about quantity, but quality is what's important. I would be happy if I just had that one friend that I know I could call at 4am if something was up. I want that "best friend" in my life. So because of my strive to create friendships like that I often try my hardest to let my friends know how much I do care for them and how I'll always be there for them. I want to be the person they come to when they need help, or a shoulder to cry on. I want them to know that I'll be there for them at 4 in the morning if they ever need to talk.
I tried to do that this weekend with my friend, however I felt like there was no point in it because she acted like she didn't care I was there, or just simply ignored me. It seemed like she would just rather be anywhere but near me, like she needed her "time alone" but really she just wanted to be in someone else's company. I mean, its obvious I'm not the only person she has to talk to, or be around, because for the most part we had close friends around us all the time. However it really did feel like every time we we're together, she rather me not be around. I tried to be the good friend too and put my feelings aside and give her what she wanted, which was time alone with her, I guess significant other, which also happens to be one of my best friends, and closest...until they started this "relationship." Till this day I don't know if she knows exactly what happened between me and this guy, however I'm sure there are some idea's in her head. The point being though, was that I was afraid this weekend was going to be me ignored by my two closest friends, who we're sort of in a relationship with each other and seeing each other. Where in the end, to help one friendship, I had to succumb to my fear and accept that I was going to have to be on the outskirts. I had to let these two people go for the weekend and accept the fact they weren't going to be around me. It got pretty lonely this weekend. I wasn't even able to think about that notion just because I didn't want to reflect on that and feel depressed during the weekend. Instead I just felt physically sick and sleep deprived.
During the whole weekend I didn't really have time to sit back and think just because I didn't want to feel sad or depressed. So I was either not thinking and just going with the moment, or I was thinking how sick I felt and how I really needed sleep.
It wasn't till after leaving everyone that I started to break down in tears. I wasn't too emotional during the weekend, however as soon as I get back, tears started to flow. I don't have the energy to hold them back right now, and they are very easily able to escape my tear ducts and roll down my cheek.

I would want to right more but I'm sleep deprived and desperately needing to sleep. I can't think more about the weekend right now. I need my rest. In all sense of the word.

Before the craziness

I'm getting ready to spend a weekend with the people that have been causing me the emotional heartache for the past month or so. I'm going to be stuck...there's a negative atonement to that word, however it seems to work in this situation, anyway, I'm going to be stuck. I'm going to be stuck with a fairly large, yet intimate group of people up, far up in upstate New York. We'll be together all weekend with no cell phone service, no internet, and no televisions to distract us. Not only will I be around the people that has influenced and taken part in the reason why I've been in emotional distress these past few weeks, but I'll also be around people that like, or rather-have been train to have people open up and talk about their feelings and personal issues. Confused? I can see how people could be. Layman's term...I'm going away for a "retreat" type event this weekend, with no modern day technology to offer distractions, like cell phones and the internet. The group of people I'm going away with? A group of people that have voluntary joined a program with all the knowledge of what this program entails who are training to develop more communication and listening skills, counselors, more importantly peer type counselors. Breaking down a little bit more...the purpose of this getaway is to get to know everyone, all 60 odd people of the program, better. We're expected during this weekend to open up and learn more about each other, usually amongst smaller groups. Its a set weekend with "exercises" to get us all to open up with each other about our personal selves. So...I'm going to be dealing with this, and let me tell you, its an emotional heavy weekend. By the time Sunday rolls around your exhausted..partly because you've been sleep deprived from staying up, on your own basis, and because of how intense some sessions are. This is going to be my second trip up for this weekend event. I've had my first experience this past spring which is where I have draw upon.
If you asked me...in lets say, September, I was very excited about this trip. I wasn't looking or even thinking about the emotional strain I'll be in from the exercises. I was looking forward to spending time with the core group of friends i have made over the past year, whom i've been relatively spending the latter time around them, life revolving around them. They've been whom my life has been majority about, they we're, in my eyes my new best friends. I hate using the term "best friend," and even 'new best friend' just because of past experiences with "best friends." But really, at least for my own experiences in life, you can never know truly if you mean the same way to someone as they do to you. You can think this person in your life, whom you've gotten really close to is your best friend, however they can just think of you as a regular friend, an acquaintance, someone your close to now but won't be when you start to go your separate ways, and it won't matter much to them. The levels of the friendship can be unbalance...which is why i'm always hesitant to use the word best, in front of friend. I've learned this lesson from a young age.
This can all go hand in hand with what i'm about to go through this weekend. I'm going to be spending time with these friends of mine and i'm nervous about how this weekend will go about. A month ago or so, I expected this weekend to be full of awesome times with my two "best", or closest friends that i've had in a long..long time. And now, due to situations that have arise, I'm not so sure how good this time spent will be full of good memories or memories of me feeling like an outcast, ignored and simply out of place. Last time we all went away on this weekend, something magical happen. It's really when this friendship sort of sparked. It's when we really felt comfortable with each other and started to get to know each other. This was like the birth of our wonderful, awesome friendship. It seems like a kiddish word to be used in that context, awesome, but really, that was our word. The four of us used that word to describe just about everything that happened between us that weekend. And now, with the incoming of new people and the new, sort of difficult situations that have come about, i'm not sure the place i'm at now with these people. Lately I have been feeling like the out cast of the group, i've been placed on the out skirts. I never thought i would feel this way with these friends. This is how we all started to bond together and created our friendship...because we all felt incredibly comfortable with each other, more so than anyone else.
Now, I feel disconnected. Lately, with one of my friendships in particular has changed dramatically. Its also hard to explain because I felt what we had was such a special bond, that only the two of us would and could understand. It sucks that, that person would be the one i would go straight to talk to about this, and not blog it out. However because of the disconnection we have had for the past month or so, i no longer feel comfortable doing so. The unbalance-ment of friendship levels come into play in this because I no longer feel like we do have a balance friendship. I feel like I might have valued the friendship more, and want to stay connected and i'm sadden by the change and lost of it all. It doesn't seem like that way for the other person.

Kinda old school song lyrics today, also a little cheesy and poppy...but it helped. It gave me the push to post this post today. Gave me the nudge.

Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?

And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, I still miss you somehow

From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart

"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about

But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end

You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Making the decision and stop being stubborn

I'm having trouble finding lyrics today to express how I feel, but I can express my feelings without the lyrics.
I'm stubborn. I'll make the first move every now and then, however once I get tired of doing that, I wont budge, and I won't be the one making that move. Making the first move and being the one to step up works sometimes, you get the job done and its beneficial. However when I feel like I'm the only one making the effort, I would want the other person to make the effort as well, its going to be no doubt that I'll get tired making the first move. Is it not right for me to assume that the person who states that the relationship is something of substance and meaning to make the effort as well to keep it like that? Or is it usual for that person to drop the relationship at a drop of the hat and not make the effort...because that's the type of person they are.
It's confusing and tiring to keep my composure lately. To be nonchalant and act as though I'm not affected by the lack of communication we now have or better said, lack of friendship, lack of substance. It's hard to go back and forth of whether just dropping the friendship, and acting as you are by just being acquaintances which is how it seems nowadays, or by putting in the effort that you are obviously not doing to hold on. Is the even a point anymore? Am I looking to much into this all? I'm doubting it, because there's a definite shift in our relationship. I can't be the only one that notices. I guess I can be the only one that cares though.

First Post

I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now. An outlet for myself, something for me to express myself, get my feelings out into the universe. I'm the type of person to keep things to myself most of time but I'm always trying to find a way to somehow get my messages across. There's time where you just want to keep your feelings to yourself, but you know its better to get things out. That's where I'm at. There's the options of 'updating' my 'facebook status' of course, or even resorting to Twitter. However, don't you wish sometimes that you just want to say what's on your mind, but somehow decode it in a way? So the person your trying to get the message out to, doesn't exactly know that you're talking about them, that your 'facebook status' is just a general thing? This all may sound confusing, me wanting to get my message out to a specific person, but not really wanting that person to realize it. Well, maybe I just wish that person would figure it out themselves.
Lately i've been dealing with friends, boys, and all the in between. Dynamics in my once thought 'tight-knit' group have been thrown into a loop and things have become somewhat disheveled. It seems like, to me, that i've lost one of my best friends, and I can't turn to my other best friend because shes involved. It's all been one big Dawson's Creek-like debacle. Which in-turns to the reason of going ahead and starting my blog.
Sometimes you wish you can write down exactly what you want to say, but you find that words have failed you. You can't adequately say what you want to say, you can't express what you're really feeling. Then, you find a song, listen to the lyrics, then Bam, the artist singing has just sung the words that you are feeling at that exact time. It's like this song was a song you would have wrote, if you could write songs. This artist is speaking to you, knowing exactly how you felt at this moment. I'm sure it has happen to everyone in the world at least once. That's why people love music, and relate to artists and have favorite musicians. There has definitely been times where a song comes on the radio, whether it's Ne-yo or Kelly Clarkson, the lyrics get you. That's why songs get stuck in your head, or why girls tend to blast some Kelly Clarkson when they're going through a rough patch. I've done it before, Kelly Clarkson got me through a lot of stuff a couple years back. Now, lately its been Taylor Swift. I'm sure some people roll their eyes when that name gets mention, hell I've done it too. Ask me just a few weeks ago and I'll scoff at the name Taylor Swift, but I do have to give her credit now. As cheesy as her lyrics can be, or how sugar candy sweet she appears to be, when your down because your having boy troubles, this girl can help make you feel better. She did for me. The lyrics in her songs, yes plural, have had such an affect on me that I created this blog! As cheesy as it is to say that I can relate to the lyrics in her song, I can. It's a universal girl thing. So heres a few lyrics from some Taylor Swift songs that can describe the position I'm in now.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
(Died for you)

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

-Cold As You, Taylor Swift