i miss you

I miss you. a lot. i wish you were still in my life. I wish things were different then how they are presently, how you are absent from my life currently. Its sad of me to say but i'm hoping you contact me on my birthday. I miss hearing your voice. I miss talking to you, having you in my life. I just miss you and it makes me incredibly sad. I miss cuddling with you, your kisses, holding you hand...jsut everything. I miss that feeling that i knew i had someone in my life, at least one person who was special and i could turn to for evrything. i miss that. I miss you.....and im wondering if you miss me too. I still have that small hope in my that you'll be back, you'll realize this was all a mistake and that you'd rather have me in your life as i was, instead of how i am now, non-exisitant. though that may not be good for me to ahve this false hope..but none the less i still have it. ugh i should go to sleep before this tipsy feeling goes away...i can already feel it starting to dissipate....alright bed. before i cant go to sleep once again because thoughts keep flooding back to you and wishing you were still in my life. ugh i miss you..and talking to you..just having you in my life. why did this have to happen this way? why did tihngs ahve to end the way it did? i could have held on and waited for you to be ready, i wasn't pressuring you for a relationship...but you decided to end things anyway. i have so many unanswered quesitons left....why did it have to end this way?

Sad songs

I've started to write in a journal now...which explains somewhat of an absence on here. However as I was writing in my journal and listening to my itunes, this song came on and definitely hit home. I wasn't going to copy the entire song into my journal however my mind came straight to this blog of mind, why i started this in the first place. Why its called lyrics for words. This song can speak for how I feel at the moment.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/breathe-lyrics.html]
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

-Breathe, Taylor Swift

start of a new-day post

So i contemplated writing in an actual journal today...but this one seems easier..and definitely more private...as of right now at least.

Thoughts keep going in circles around my head, constantly...the same thoughts. He's not your boyfriend, you might as well call him that to your friends, its easier than saying your dating, but are you really dating, what is this "dating," what are the terms, are we nonchalant about it all?, does he really care for me?, is this a fling?, when is going to ask me to be his girlfriend, am i ever going to be his girlfriend, whats stopping him from calling me his girlfriend, does he have more baggage from his last relationship then he lets on? ...and it goes on and on and on. There's also the upset feeling i get when i don't get to talk to him much. The feeling i get when he's not really talking to me, but he's definitely talking to someone else. It makes me feel like i'm not important to him, i'm just some floozy on the side. Then the thoughts go around in my head once again, wondering...if this will ever turn into anything. If this is anything at all now. I feel as though i don't have a right to be upset with him not talking to me because i'm not "technically" his girlfriend yet. So goes the constant, what am i to him thoughts. I don't feel important. I have to remind myself...to keep that guard up just a little to protect that heart of mine just in case this all goes to the shits, and turns into nothing. If all my fears are confirmed and this just goes up in smokes. That i wasn't never really anything to him. He really knows how to make me feel like a 2-bit whore. You know, a girl needs some reassurance sometimes. Especially since its been so easily for you to drop her off to the side like shes a bad habit.

I barely saw him this weekend and it doesnt seem to mind him at all. I haven't really even gotten to speak to him much this weekend because he's not been around. Do we only get one solid day of the week to be together? That's what its starting to feel like. We're together for a day, and its great...and then thats it for this week. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.

timeless? epic? momentous occasion

So I guess it's kind of fitting that my 50th post takes place almost close to the day that i started this blog. It was a year ago that i started this blog. Alright, so a little over a year ago because i've been so swept up in daily life that i missed the opportunity to blog on that actual anniversary day, i'm only 7 days late though. Though..i guess...i really would like to try to write in a journal, whether it be this or in an actual, physical journal everyday. Memories are precious, they can easily be forgotten and in my case that is almost a daily occurrence because of all the shit i repress, whether want to or not.

So..it's sad to say but i hadn't really noticed that i've had this blog for a year. I started this thing a year ago. It's kind of shocking how much has changed since then, and then again how much hasn't changed. I've said this before, but you never really notice change or how much time has passed until one day, you finally realize just how different things are, or pay attention to the fact how much time has passed. Did that make sense? Who cares, no one still knows about this blog...and i still like it that way. It's for me. And i actually have to admit, i'll like to see the day i finally tell someone about this blog and they'll be able to go back and read just exactly what i was going through at the times of each post, because everything i've written has been unhinge, i haven't held anything back...and never will.

One of the reasons why i did finally notice that i've had this blog for a year was because at dinner with my girlfriends the other night, we started talking about my past. We talked about what I went through a year ago with this guy and my "best"friend, or good friend..whatever, we were close, and till this day, still close. That time was definitely a hard time for me, thinking back to it, it still is without a doubt a hard, and troubling time for me. Hey, i started my blog partly because of it, and this blog helped me tremendously through that time. Which also segways into the dinner and how i found out about the anniversary, for lack of a better word. My friend asked me how I was able to go through that without telling my friend how i was feeling...the girl friend. How i was able to keep my mouth shut through all of that. I told her i didn't know how i did it...but to be honest, i was able to get through it because of this. Because I was able to unleash all my thoughts onto here. I was able to vent all my feelings here. Sure that time was tough and I for sure felt like I was alone in the world, however....i was able to get through it. There might be a few scars from it...eh, fuck it, lets be honest, theres definitely scars from that experience, but you know what, everyone has'em. Everyone has baggage from everything, i'm no different.

I wish this "momentous 50th, 1-year anniversary" blogpost had a little bit more...direction, or meaning to it, but honestly, i'm just writing what i'm feeling/thinking at the moment and i think looking back, i'll still appreciate this post for what it is. It's me. It's me, unfiltered at real time. haha. I'm hoping to blog more in the coming days but right now, i want to take a trip down memory lane. Excuse me as I go read my past blog posts.

oh tswift

Oh taylor swift how you kind of are a lyrical genius. At least to the 15 year old girl inside me whose going through what seemingly are kiddish relationship woes. You help me start this blog and once again you're helping me find the words I'm trying to express with your song lyrics. I'm envious how you can put these words into lyrics and express them everyday through song and dance. I wish I had that ability. I wrote poems back in the day...maybe sometime this week I'll take a crack at it again. Its definitely something special when that creative genius inside can take over and express your feelings inside with words on the outside. Anyway, though this song cannot totally be related to how i'm feeling right now/situation i'm in. It's a pretty good idea, at least parts of this song is.


I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say they're the lucky ones.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
Too many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
You're doing your best to avoid me.
I started to think one day I'd tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like the careless,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you say you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.
-The Story of us, Taylor Swift

defeated, glass wall

I feel defeated.
At the dinner table i feel as though there is a glass wall separating me between my immediate.
I cannot wait till i finally get either the guts or the money to start going to a therapist. As i said before and probably will again is that 95% of it i'm sure will be about my family, my mother in specific.

I just had to dismiss myself from the dinning room table to climb up the stairs and have a mini breakdown, then pull myself together just so i wouldn't break down in front of everything then cause an even more debacle...and probably just piss ppl off more. Though it honestly, HONESTLY wasn't my intention to make ppl mad. It usually isn't either! I know there are times i'm an ass and do stir the pot on purpose, however after years, and multiple times were i've gotten yelled at and in trouble. I've learn to watch my mouth and just simply not comment on things. However in this instance today I honestly was just talking...i was asking a legitimate question, however of course whatever i say is misconstrued and therefore causing problems..However i actually took myself out of the situation before things escalated. Then when i mention, and i'm seriously when this is what happened, that I was starving which i felt like my stomach was eating itself...i mentioned that I was starving, hoping to eat first before my brother got home from work, which would be in about 20 minutes. My mother flips her shit. My mother suggest i go drink soup first before my brother gets home. Fine, whatever, she obviously does not want to eat without him. Fine, whatever i'll go drink soup. She then gets increasingly mad and taking her anger out by lashing out at me. She gets so mad and doesn't understand that why, when i got home at 5 (dinner at 730ish) that i did not make myself something to eat. When sometimes when i do, do this, she gets upset at me for ruining my appetite, so rightfully so I did not do that this time. Still get in trouble. She starts yelling at me about this, why i did not eat when i get home and how our father is only home to eat dinner with us 2 days of the week why can't i just wait a few more minutes till my brother gets home. Meanwhile I'm already quietly drinking my soup. I don't say anything, as i've learned not to in this situation. However she just continues to stare at me and questions whether I am listening to her. So I acknowledge her...I say I am drinking my soup now, it's fine. Apparently now I've made her INCREASINGLY more mad and she proceeds to yell at me. So i talk back to her, very calmly, just answering her questions...until i hear my father, who has given this advice to me before "...JUST STOP TALKING...YOU'VE BEEN TALKING EVER SINCE YOU GOT HOME...JUST STOP..." and so i shut my mouth. My mother turns around and continues to cook something in the kitchen, pots and pans banging in her frustration.

Ever once in a while this feeling of just worthlessness creeps up into my mind and body. I can feel the tears running to the forefront, ready to spill at will. I go about my day usually not speaking to my parents, my mother especially. I don't remember a conversation between the two of us that lasted longer than 10 minutes and without us getting into a fight, or more importantly her upset and yelling at me.

I really want to mention this to my parents because honestly, i don't know how much more I can take. I'm not saying I don't feel grateful for all that they've done and provide me with a good life. Which i have a feeling if i were to mention something they would use this against me. However i just want to, for ONCE vocalize my opinion without getting into trouble and not having it misconstrued into something it isnt or wasn't my intention. I have to will away the tears and act strong because I can't keep breaking down about the same thing over and over again. But this issue is such a standing figure in my life that I constantly, constantly have to push down into my subconscious because if I let it fester, or into my conscious...I don't know how i would function and go about my daily living...with this constant feeling of not being able to be who I am and not TALK to my parents. I can't say I have a relationship with my mother because honestly, our relationship consists of me constantly watching what I say, or basically not saying anything at all in order to keep some sort of peace between us. Peace within the whole house as well. God knows if i piss her off, the whole house will feel her wrath then I will have eventually piss the entire house off because of a tiff between my mother and I.

I can't keep dealing with this all internally. I can't even say i'm dealing with this because it still effects me and nothing has changed. I still feel the same as probably the last time this has happened and probably wrote about it in past entries. I cannot think of anyone, at this moment, where I feel comfortable just expressing all of this too. Expressing all of this, 110%, all the feelings I have and the bad that comes with this whole issue. I don't know who I could confide in which sucks and therefore I do have to deal with this all internally. Or at least write it all down here. It gives me some peace of mind that hopefully down the line i'll be able to work this issue out or come back to this entry and reflect on how I was feeling at this particular time and problem.

My heart feels heavy. My brain feels like theres two elephants closing in on either side. I can feel the tears building up and wanting to spill. And I can feel my hopelessness build and radiate out of me. I'm stuck. Defeated and no more words can come to mind because I just don't know what else to say or do.

fed up

I'm fed up, frustrated and don't know the correct way i should be acting in this situation. This post will mostly like not make any sense and will be all jumbled but i honestly don't care. This blog is and will always be just for me. I just need to get my thoughts out and this is the exact reason why i started this shit.

I'm tired of waiting around this weekend. I feel like a fool when i do. I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that once again i'm putting more into this relationship then the other person. I'm slowly feeling that creeping feeling of fear from the last time something like this happened. And i remember exactly how i felt when everything came crashing down. My heart and head hurt for days. I keep telling myself or reassuring myself that I have my guard up, my hearts closed off...open up a little bit just to let the necessary feelings pass through however, mostly closed off...it's to protect myself. Yet how come every time i remind myself to keep my guard up thats when the hurt comes along. Or starting to come through anyway. I'm tired of just sitting and waiting. I don't think its fair that i've had to do that this week. To sit by and wait by my telephone for your text. Not being able to text you or being afraid to text you in fear that i'm distracting you from your work or being that nuisance and annoying you by constantly texting you. I hate these insecurities but you're starting to endorse them and its slowly taking over my mindset now. So i'm dealing with trying to protect my heart, however still slowly give it to you for the hopeful future but i also have the little devil on my shoulder spouting out all those tiny devilish insecurities that eat at my core. I do not want to think anymore. I want to be in a drunken stupor and not think about this at all anymore. I don't want these thoughts in my head any longer. I want them out. I want to be completely distracted and not think about you and my insecurities any longer. I just don't get how you dont see this. Or why this week was so different. Why didn't i hear from you as much as i normally do? It this your way of pushing me out? letting me now that your done, its over? Cause if its not, then you sure as hell are sending out the wrong message because this is the message i'm getting. I read this text today which sums up how i feel.
"You asked me why I haven't talked to you; Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. I'm glad you're finally noticing."

Except, no one is noticing for me. I'm just feeling the pushing, therefore why i'm not talking so much. And i don't know how to act when this happens. How do i act normal when theres obviously something bothering me? How do i move past this when its effecting me so bad? How do you realize that everythings okay when its not? I just don't understand what's wrong. I can't....CAN'T be the only one that notices that somethings off...can i? Am i reading something wrong? Am i getting the signals missed? Or is this something that's not different or out of the norm? I hate going to bed with a heavy heart and thoughts constantly racing throughout my head. I'm trying so hard to find a song that can help relate to this moment i'm having but no such luck right now. Maybe that's why i feel so lost and confused. I need distractions. I don't want to be in my head right now.

Tired

I'm getting real tired of waiting. In all sense of the word. Who am I to sit there and wait around? That's not me, that sure as hell isn't who I want to be. I just wish I remembered that all the time instead of being weak and becoming that person who's so patient and understanding. Well I'm sick of that crap right now. I'm sick of waiting...waiting for what's going to happen next.

no where to write, just here

So, I want to write this as my facebook status, or even as my aim status. Somewhere where people can see it, take notice, put it out in the world. However this just seemed like the more appropriate place...I know no ones going to see it, so it doesn't make me feel all that better...but i'm putting it out to the world, to the universe. And yes, i will reflect later on how i need someone to see this, to expose it to a facebook status or aim status but..i'm on a time constraint right now. I just..again as yesterday, but hopefully i'm explaining it better because it's fresh in my mind.

I just can't believe. I come to you looking for comfort. You're suppose to be that person for me now, you said you would and when i need you the most you're not here. You just don't notice it. I really wanted to say is wow, i come to you to make me feel better and you ended up making me feel worst. That's not the way it was suppose to go. I was counting on you and you just disappointed me.

back.

Wow, I knew I haven't wrote in this for a while i just didn't realize that the last time i wrote this was in July. 4 months have passed by and as cliche as it might sound, so much has happened. I've let go of some of that anger and hurt that has been building up inside me from one person in particular. I've moved on from the point of when i started this blog, well as much as a person can without forgetting completely what happened to them. I still have the scars from that event just like any normal person would after an incident. More importantly I've grown from it, I can see clearly now, then again as clear as a person can really see. Let's not say clear, maybe a slightly less blurry version then before. I forgot how good it was to write down my feelings in this thing. Even though 4 months have gone by since the last time i've wrote in this doesn't mean I've had 4 months of trouble free life. No freedom of emotional despair, stress or emotional revelations, or revelations of any kind. Sure there have been times during the 4 months i've needed to express my thoughts and feelings...and right now i wish i had wrote them down instead of letting the time pass me by. I can tell you this much, again, a lot has changed. I'm starting to enter a new phase in my life...well the beginning of a new chapter. One that holds a lot of responsibility and is a bit scary. It's like entering the world anew. I feel as though i'll enter the world prematurely. Course I could prepare myself to the best of my ability which I foresee as being a tremendous stressor in my life for months to come. Which i am definitely not looking forward to. Which in comes my usual habit of repressing, and not thinking about the emotional distress that will is going to happen in the future. Just not think about it, because...when it happens that i do, and i feel this unbelievable amount of stress and anxiety and sadness...i dont know how to handle it. I don't really know how to deal with it in the best way possible. I just feel like there's an elephant standing on my head. I feel the unbelievable weight on my shoulders and everywhere surrounding me closes in. I get into my zone of just quietness, me zoning out.
Something also happened to me in these past 4 months...i've started to date someone. I never thought i'd say that, at least not anytime soon. I could not have foreseen this happen to me during the last times i've written in this blog. What's even more surprising and out of the blue is the person who i'm dating. Ask me who my childhood crush was? it was this guy. I liked him since...as far as i could remember. I use to picture his as my best friend. I would refer to him as that, even though i was never sure, we never made that distinction in our friendship. But we were definitely close, at least i'd like to think so. This guy was the one guy i could always count on. And..he always had a girlfriend. Even when we were in fricking junior high he had one and he was always so "desperately" in love with them. Alright that might not sound good, but i mean he was always so committed to them. He put both feet wholeheartly into the relationships he was in. Whenever I was with him, even though there were feelings on my end, I always felt like just a friend to him. I doubted, highly highly doubted there were ever feelings on his end. Then..one day in July he calls, to hang out, catch up. I've been trying to do this thing, call and ask to hang out, with people i went to high school with but it never seems to work. I've been desperately trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, and this guy was one of them. I never sought out really to reach him but always, always in the back of my mind i wanted to. I guess i can't really justify why i never called him but he did anyway. This opportunity came knocking on my door to finally, finally! connect with one of my closest friends from high school. I've known this kid forever and sadly through the years we lost touch. He was one of maybe 5 people i was truely truely sad i lost contact with. There was no way I was going to give up this opportunity to see him. And it was a good thing I didn't cause look at me today, dating this guy...moving towards a relationship.
It's mindbogglingly sometimes just to think this is where my life is right now. At least in terms of me being in a relationship, especially with this guy. I could go through all the happy, cute, times i've had with him, but honestly, right now, if you couldn't tell from my writing so far, i'm not in that sort of mood.
I just think, if you question whether I wish there was someone who cared for me and that you would? That might be confusing to read later on, I guess I can't convey how i feel in words to the best of my ability right now, at least in this sense. I just think, i look for you for comfort. You pride yourself on being able to be there for me, or at least you should be there for me. You're always there if i need anything, at least at this point i hope that would be true. I can't really tell at this moment..maybe that's just because i'm upset that i couldn't find that comfort with you. I had a crappy day and all I wanted was for you to make me feel better...and you kinda failed at that. So now, i just hope tomorrows a little better and the next day. I hope to get over this the next time i see you because i don't blame you. I know you can't read my mind...but i was hoping with the hints i gave you would pick it up. or at least, i don't know, pay me some attention when i ask for it? talk to me some. Is that hard to ask of you today? Whatever.

a person can only take so much

I don't know whens the last time I wrote in this thing, but I'm pretty sure one of the few last times I did write in this thing it was about the same topic. A person can only take so much. I look around me, hear it from other people, celebrities and such are always thanking their mother, saying how close they are, blah shit blah. I have no such relationship with my mother. I can't even say more than a sentence with her at a time before shes yelling, criticizing me, or talking down to me like I'm an idiot and can't understand anything. A person can only take so much. I might as well walk around this house like a ghost when its just me and her home because she never acknowledges me anyway. She'll postpone dinner by 2/3 hours just so she can have another person at the dinner table she can talk to because god forbid she even try to have a conversation with me at the dinner table. Oh i can try, but usually whenever I say a word, or a sentence I'll have her yell at me at the end of it. Bad enough sometimes she has her back turned to me at the table and only addresses the other person at the table. Hell, she never talks to me unless she absolutely has to. A person can only take so much before the resentment and anger starts bubbling up and rising over the top and spilling over. It's only a matter of time that all the anger I've had building up inside of me from all the times I've gotten yelled at or accused of something that made absolutely no sense comes out. I can see it happening now and it won't be pretty. Imagine for god knows how long, longer than I can remember that every time I've spoken to my mom I can only remember either getting yelled at, accused of something, or just simply mistaken ergo ends up with me getting yelled at and my mother upset at me. Imagine years of that, without having able to speak you're mind. Having to hold your tongue OVER and OVER again because even if you say something that wasn't at all provoking the situation it would be taken that way. There is nothing I can say...NOTHING that makes the situation better. Hell I've even said sorry and I was wrong in the middle of an argument and it made situations worst! What's even worst about that is I shouldn't have been the one saying sorry! I didn't do anything! Its incredibly frustrating to deal with this on a DAILY basis. To constantly know you can't say anything to you're mom for fear that you'll upset her in some fucking way and she'll get mad and yell at you for something you said! It's not like I say something to her out of anger. I just speak my mind, but god forbid i do that in this house, at least with her because I always get in trouble for it. She yells at me, criticizes me or simply misunderstands and makes me feel like a jackass. 9 out of 10 times everything i say to her ends up with her upset at me. I'm serious when it comes to those numbers and it makes me so upset that it comes down to that. I seriously can't say anything in this house, let alone to her because I always get her upset therefore I get the whole house upset. Hell hath no fury like my mother. She yells at everyone for nonsense when she gets mad at me. So the situation, like my father says, just don't say anything, you can't win with your mother. My own father knows this and told me not to say anything to her. Just never talk to her. I have physical two scars on my arm due to the conflicts I've had with my mother and a whole boat/shit load of psychological ones from her. So many times I envision myself having to go to therapy to deal with this shit because honestly, I can't talk/speak my own mind in this house. This has been going on for as long as I can remember with my mother and I don't/wouldn't know how to fix it because honestly I can't say anything to her without it getting misconstrued as her thinking I'm "giving her attitude." Even if I try to explain myself she has it embedded so far into her head how "I am" and she can't see me for who am I and who she thinks I am/acting. How do you get past that? I'm afraid that I can't/don't know how, therefore this will just keep going and my relationship with my mother will get further and further apart. Further than how it already is. I mean how much further can we get than us not speaking to each other? Our relationship is so cold and distant we might as well live in two different places. I'm not sure there's a way back from this distance and I'm sure as hell positive she won't be making the first step and if I try, it will most likely end up in an argument. I mean how to you go from not being able to really speak to your mother for years, whom you live in the same house yet feel thousands of miles apart when every time you talk it ends up with her yelling and getting mad? How? I just end up getting upset by the fact that I don't have a relationship with my mother and it continues to be buried further and further. Those miles apart are piling up with each second that passes.

vent

I love making plans with you. You fucking always break it. This is two days in a fucking ROW. I called you yesterday about the beach that YOU invited me to go. I said yes, i wanted to go. What happens the next day? YOU GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT ME. NO FUCKING PHONE CALL OR NOTHING. AND TODAY? LETS GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT. THE MOVIES AT EITHER 6:45 OR 9:30, OKAY 9:30. DID WE END UP MAKING IT? NO CAUSE OF YOUR STUPID INCONSIDERATE ASS. Then fucking, fine. so we don't make that showing, there's another one at 10. BUT FUCKING NO, because its tooo late for my fucking brother. A HALF HOUR LATER?! FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY1?! C'MON FUCKING PEOPLE. WE MADE PLANS WHY DON'T WE FUCKING STICK TO THEM. GODDAMN. DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO SOME PEOPLE THAT WE LIKE TO STICK TO PLANS? WE MAY ACTUALLY BE LOOKING FORWARD TO THESE GODDAMN PLANS TO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE? NO! FUCKING NO. GODDAMN, SOMETHING SO MINUSCULE AND SMALL YET PEOPLE FUCK IT UP. I'D RATHER GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE MYSELF THEN FUCKING ASSHOLES. GODDAMN I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW. ITS FUCKING BLAZING HOT, I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT ALL FUCKING DAY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS MOVIE ALLLLL FUCKING FUCKING DAY. FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE. GODDAMN. I NEED A BETTER WAY TO RELEASE THIS FUCKING ANGER I'M FEELING BECAUSE "WRITING" IT OUT IS JUST NOT HELPING. THE ANGER IS JUST BUBBLING UNDERNEATH ME WANTING TO FUCKING SCREAM, YELL, PUNCH SOMETHING IN THE FACE. SO FUCKING MAD THIS FAMILY IS FUCKING ASSHOLES. AND MY BROTHER DOESN'T EVEN SEEM FAZED ABOUT IT. JUST SIMPLY STATES THAT THIS IS WHY HE NEVER MAKES PLANS WITH OUR COUSIN. THEN FUCKING FINE, WE SHOULD HAVE WENT TO SEEN IT OURSELVES AT 9:30. GODDAMN I'D RATHER GO SEE IT MYSELF TOMORROW FUCKING PEOPLE, I CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND THEM RIGHT NOW. I RATHER GO TO BED NOW AT 9 FUCKING 40 BECAUSE I'M SO MAD AND THERE'S FUCKING NOTHING TO DO IN THIS BLAZING HEAT. I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS THROW SOMETHING. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON. FUCKING IDIOTS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES. GOD FUCKING DAMN.

On My Own

Because it deserves its own entry.


And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to go, no one to turn to.
Did not want your money sir,
Came out here cuz I was told to.
And now the night is near,
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him, and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.

On my own,
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.

I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending!
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!

I love him...
I love him...
I love him...
But only on my own...

-On My Own, Les Miserables

Where I fell in love and realized how much I could relate to this song
Lea Michele-On My Own

Piercing, Tattoos, Thoughts, oh my.

I've been meaning to blog for some time now. Every time there's a profound, or at least what I think is profound to me, thought pops up into my head I quickly want to jot it down or blog about it so it would be forever remembered and saved. Especially since my brain nowadays forgets everything. I can't hold onto most memories or thoughts unless they're incredibly ingrained into my head. That might be due to me repressing the shit out of emotions, ideas, memories and whatnot over the course of my years, which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before somewhere in these entries.

Today I was thinking, or late last night, I can't remember, I was thinking about when I'll finally let people know and read this blog and whom I'd tell first. I thought about it for a long time and yesterday I realized...I don't think I want to let anyone know about it. At least...not anytime soon. I'm content with just having this for myself. I think that's the best thing. This is my outlet, for myself. For me to express myself and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open when I can't anywhere else. I haven't had to delete anything or change anything in the entries I've posted because...well no one is looking or reading them...at least not to my knowledge. And I like it that way. I can go back and reflect on what I was thinking during those times...especially the last entry. As dark and depressing as it was, I wouldn't want to delete it. It's all truth...it was how I felt at that exact moment and as I look back on the entries I've made I can go back to that one and remember how I felt that day. It was a dark day for me and I'll always remember it.

I've been thinking about change a lot lately. Change in the way I dress, how I act, the actions I take, life in general. I've been thinking about finally getting my ears pierced after years and years of saying I would never do it and basically being frightened about the idea of the pain and infections that could possibly happen. But one day I just decided...you know, it might be time. Add something to my look. I've also been thinking about tattoos...A LOT lately. Which happened relatively the same time the ear piercing idea popped into my head. It might also coincide with the fact I was looking at pictures of a celebrity I've come to admire and love. But i've always wanted a tattoo, I knew that one day I would get one. It was just the matter of what to get. In the past when I thought about it I thought about getting a little B, written in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer logo on my left ankle..as a dedication to my first tv show obsession. I loved that show and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was never too set on that idea though. Recently I've come up with four tattoo ideas that I kinda fell in love with...two of them at least for sure. First I want to get On My Own with a small gold star next to it on the side of my right foot. It's my ode to the titled song from Les Miz. I've had that song on my ipod for years sung by different artist but never truly listened to the lyrics until I heard Lea Michele beautifully sing the hell out of that song. I realized how easily I relate to the song and by far, one of my favorite songs out there. I definitely want that on my foot. I should also read Les Mis before I do it though..just in case. But right now, I love what that song stands for. Another tattoo idea I have is getting the Claddagh Ring tattooed on my right lower hip. I believe its a pretty intimate place and its a pretty intimate symbol, to me at least so I want to get it there. Its also a small ode to my first tv obsession because that's where I first learned and fell in love with that ring. I've worn that ring ever since. I've also want a tattoo on my wrist which I was thinking about getting Think, Process. It would be a reminder to myself to think and really process what's going on in my head...as so I wouldn't repress it. I don't like repressing thoughts, its definitely not healthy, I know that. However I've done it for so long now, its become a habit, a coping mechanism. So it would be my reminder not to do it. I also want Jan on the left side of my body by the ribs. I won't be a Jan forever. When...or sadly if...I ever get married, I'll be taking my husbands last name. I won't "really" be part of the Jan family any longer. So it would be my ode to my family. Those are my four tattoos.

This post wasn't to thought provoking or reflection based but I thought i should blog. Its already June 17th and I haven't blogged for the month of June. I want to keep up the habit of blogging at least 3 times a month. So here's to this month. Maybe more tomorrow I'm actually getting tired and "talked" out.

empty. numb.

I made another mark yesterday. After two hours of sitting, thinking and picturing what would happen...what if...

I feel numb. I feel as though i don't have the right to feel better. I should feel like shit. I'm a horrible person. I've hurt people due to my own inability to do things, to take action. I deserve to not do anything, to sit in the dark, in my room the entire day. I should starve myself. I don't deserve to eat anything. I don't need it. I don't even deserve to be on this computer or enjoy anything. I shouldn't.

Hello, Lucky. Sorry.

I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And than my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all that ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
After got to let you know
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

-Hello, Lionel Richie (best performed by Lea Michele & Jonathan Groff live)


Do you hear me? I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here, right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

-Lucky, Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat

And finally, my third part of today's post. Sorry's don't mean a lot. Most of the time its just a word. The word, the phase, the saying, can only do so much. It can't take away the pain, anger or sadness in you're heart. It can only make the other person feel better. And most of the time it takes them an incredible amount of courage or motivation to say sorry in the first place. So let's just save us both the trouble. Find a better way to say sorry.

socks and ambitions

Its disheartening when you realize that some relationships just dissipate over time...some reasons known while others are still in questioned. It's like that infamous sock monster in your washing machine, the one that claims that one sock so that there's never a complete pair anymore. This thought came into my head today as I was wishing an old friend a happy birthday. This day actually brought me back five or so years ago where this day had such significance in my life. It brought me back to all those memories and friendships I had with people. Most of whom I'm not in contact with today. It got me realizing how sad it is that I don't really have relationships with those same people that I saw almost everyday for four years. Relationships come and go however do we ever take a step back and realize how many relationships you've lost? Now I may be one of few out there where relationships or friendships, whatever you like to call it, just got dwindled out over time. You lose touch, lost contact, but somehow life goes on. There's not much impact over the lost of the friendship...at that time. However looking back, you might get sad that you lost contact with that person. I know I have...with many people. This is your life, it's what you make out of it. The people in your life are there because of you, what you make out of it is all on you. So these lack of friendships or relationships seem like one less relationship you'll have in your life...if this disconnect continues. Sure you can create new relationships with different people. There's that endless amount that you can create, however what about all those that you have lost? Do they just go into the waste-bin to be taken out like last weeks trash? These people had some impact in your lives otherwise no relationship would have been form, therefore what do you do when these relationships are no longer on your 'radar' so to speak. Or you've just realized that yea, you both have gone on with your lives however you don't want to just lose all communication, lose the friendship forever.

I guess I had no real purpose to that whole "rant" but i felt it needed to be said. It just saddens me that I've lost so many relationships whether it was due to just time passing and lack of communication or just because things got busy and people went about their lives. I know I went about my life, went through the motions and did all the things I needed to do. However as I've said before one thing that was lacking was those friendships or relationships that I craved. I didn't really have anyone I could turn too. I guess I didn't create strong bonds.


Along with just going through life and going with the motions comes my next thought. You know, I have many ambitions in life, it might not be obvious to those around me, but I do. I have desires to do things, be spontaneous and such. I want to be able to be free and do the things that pleases me. However I feel held back. I feel held back by something...all the time. This feeling has prevented me from doing about 95% of the things I've wanted to do. You could say its my own doing or the fact that I've never really been able to 'spread my wings' and fly out of the nest...for a while at least. I can chalk that up to my overbearing and over-protective mother. -Oh how so many things come back to her. Which I don't need a therapist to tell me the relation of that. But that's basically it, this feeling of being held back. Sometimes I can't even notice it happening but I do notice how opportunities have come and gone and hardly, if ever have I've taken the chance to jump on them. I hate 'what if's' yet this feeling of being held back has caused so many of that. I can't help but wonder how my life would be different had I gone after all those things I've wanted. Had I chased the dreams I've had, and some, still do. Had I be more bolder and really be aggressive in getting what I wanted. Had I just jump and taken risks. I guess there's still room to change this...
Then again, as always it's easier said then done.
Though i've heard that if you start pretending to be the person you want to be, eventually you become that person.

silently weeping

How is it that I always get in trouble. 98% of the things that come out of her mouth is me getting yelled at and her telling me to watch the tone of my voice. It seems like I can't do anything right in her eyes. How would you feel going throughout your day/life knowing you're second best. You'll never be good enough. You can do 9 things right but what will get noticed is that one thing you didn't get right. That one thing will get blown into a huge deal and something you hear about the rest of the day.

It seems like my mother purposely waits till i'm out of the room to speak. She doesn't talk to me, nor does she want me to hear anything thats going on. She only wants to talk to my brother. She only acknowledges my brother. I have to go throughout the day hoping i don't say anything around my mom because in an instance she can get mad at ANYTHING I say and yell at me for doing something wrong.

I have to bite my tongue at everything i say around her. If i ever dare to talk to her, I have to watch tremendously what I say because she takes almost everything I say as something negative or with an attitude. My brother can say the exact same thing or things worst than what I say and never get in trouble. He can full on yell at her and call her stupid or retarded yet If I ever dare to say something even remotely like that, oh you best know that I'll be hearing that for a week. Fuck, I'm still paying for my teenage years where I did give attitude and was a hellion. However what teen doesn't go through that? However everything I do wrong now the blame gets brought back from my teenage years and I'm accused of all the things I did during those formative years.

I have to tread lightly on water everyday when I walk into this house when my mother is home. I constantly have to guard what I say and bite my tongue because anything I say can set the bomb off. It's like I have no emotions when I come into this house. I'm not allowed to speak my mind. Either I don't get taken seriously or I get into trouble. So after getting yelled at a few hundred times I've been condition just to shut my mouth and eat my food, go about my day in quiet. Its quite simple, I just don't speak anymore.

I go throughout my day in silence. Not able to express my emotions for fear of getting yelled at. If I get mad, god forbid me to ever express that because that would just make it worst. Nothing I do is justified, therefore what's the point in fighting it anymore. I've even been told by my father just to shake my head and nod when my mother speaks. There's no winning against her. Honestly, every thing I do is wrong in her eyes.

I can't even try to express my feelings out because it doesn't matter, she can't see what I'm talking about. She either doesn't understand or it just doesn't matter to her. I'm an ass and have way too much of an "attitude." I'm sick and tired of her using that excuse EVERY. EVERY TIME she gets mad at me for something, or anything for that matter. I can't even look at her because she claims I'm looking at her the wrong way.

When somethings not even my fault and I have to converse with her I still GET in trouble and her yelling at me. I'm actually surprised I've lasted this long without blowing a gasket, however I guess it just a matter of time. However even though I haven't blown the "gasket" yet, the pain and repercussions of these feelings i feel everyday have come out in other mediums.

I'm shaking with anger today because the madness I feel is getting all too much. I've had tears silently fall down my face because the pain is just unbearable today. And the worst part is I didn't cause this. This incident was entirely out of my hands. It came about because of my own cousins stupidity, recklessness and irresponsibility. I can't stand it anymore.

I don't know how many more days I can silently weep or have the harm built up inside me without letting anyone know how i truly feel. It's becoming increasingly unbearable.

silence, echos, patience and grace

The only sounds to be heard are our forks touching our plates. Otherwise its just silence. Complete and utter silence. Her body is turned away from me and when she opens her mouth to speak its to the dog. Not at the dog, to the dog. We sit down, eat our food in silence and go about our day. We can spend the entire day together with no words spoken between us.

Even when there is someone else at the dinner table, her body is always turned away from me. She doesn't direct the conversation to me and hardly, if any, speaks to me.


Is that how you would describe your relationship with your mother?

still one person

I'm glad there's still someone out there that can make me feel like i'm not totally alone in this world.

companion

Do you ever get tired of the same routine? Ever feel like you've been doing the same thing over and over? You work throughout the week, go through your routine of work/school, whatever you do during the week then the weekend comes. Yet, somehow your weekends also start to feel a bit ordinary and following a routine. There's no spontaneity in life right now. It's just the same thing over and over again and the next thing you know, a week, month, etc has gone by. Where does the time go?
Lately I've been feeling the emotional weight of not having a special someone in my life. I'm getting that small creeping feeling in the back of my head knowing that I don't really have someone in my life that I could turn too. At least not anymore. I'm lacking in the romantic area. I guess this is where the spontaneity also comes in because everything I do nowadays just seems so regular, plain. There's no jazz or spice in my life right now. I'm lacking that hope and joy that life should bring you everyday.
One of my biggest fears is that there is no one out there fore me, I'll be alone all my life. I'll never find that special someone that people spend their life looking for. I'm definitely screwed because I've grown up in an age where romantic love is the key to marriage, also where 50/60% of marriages today end in divorce. I've grown up watching all those chick flicks where the couple always ends up together and that they're destined for each other. Its the fantasy and I've been sadly drawn to into it. So to say I'm screwed is correct, because when in real life can you find the situations you watch in a chick flick?
I have that fear that I'll never meet someone. Especially if my life is following such a regular routine, when am i ever going to meet someone? Sure, I can get myself out there, however its always easier said then done. There's all these sayings to love life and finding someone. Things being easier said then done is one of them. As well as, as soon as you stop looking for someone they find you. I believed that statement, or that myth, however it hasn't work. I think me trying "not" to look for someone just put me lower and lower on the map.
This is one of the biggest things on my mind lately...how lonely I am. I know relationships aren't easy and I'm sure when/if i ever get into one, it won't be smooth sailing. However I'm scared. First because I can't even count any relationships I've had as pretty serious, and second, when/if i ever do get into a relationship, i'll be so inexperience that it won't work. This constant fear is in my head and causes me to constantly feel the weight of this emotion. I try to put on this brave face that I don't need a relationship, I'm okay with being single. But the truth is, i'm incredibly lonely...and I have been for quite some time now...

...for no one

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

-Love Song For No One, John Mayer

quote and lyrics.

So, I haven't used lyrics to express my emotions or thoughts lately and this post will break that streak. It'll also include a quote to start it off.

"When a person sets a thing in motion, there's a feeling of unease, almost regret, until you learn the truth." -Nicolas Sparks, Dear John

When I read that quote I identified with it immediately. As well as this song.

I see your shadow even when your not standing there
I feel you when I close my eyes
I've been through it all,
And made it out alive
It's only just a matter of time

I won't be (hopeless)
I was so (devoted)
Pieces will come together
I was so (blinded)
My heart is flat(lining)
And I promise you baby that..

I've tried but I can't try no more
And I cry but I can't cry no more
And I try but I can't try no more
And I've cry but I can't cry no more
It's just so impossible going
on without you
on without you
no I can't
It's impossible going on without you
On without you, I know I can't

I hear your walking through the halls
and I know your not home
The thought of you has always remained
I wonder if I call would you pick up the phone
and tell me that you're feeling the same
There's nothing left (in me)
My tank is on (empty)
the pieces will come together
I tell myself(why me)
If I'm wrong(why me)
I'm not giving up baby but

I got an empty bed on my right side
I'm missing you now for a lifetime
I tell myself I'm fine
But I'm lying, I'm lying
And I promise you baby
that I've tried


-On Without Us, Backstreet Boys

I keep going back and forth, at least when I let myself think about this whole subject. I keep going back and forth between being brave, putting myself out there, or doing what seems to be the "right/good" thing and just forget it all. The has been too much pain already suffered to have some more caused. However...I keep thinking...wouldn't I still be suffering from pain if I have all these what if's in my head? This might be the last piece that keeps me holding on. If I say what I need to say, make on last attempt, then maybe finally I can move on. Or get hurt. Though I can say I tried and not think about what if I never tried. However as soon as I start thinking about going with this plan of being brave, I get that tight feeling in the chest of my heart constricting. Knowing, quite possibly I could get really hurt in the end of this. I don't think i'm prepared for that. not yet. So I guess I'm staying in limbo for a little while longer. I did write something a while back directly relating to this topic, which...i guess if i ever let people read this blog, it'll be good to have this passage here.

Do you remember the time where we could talk freely with each other? We told each other everything? We talked about our day, the things we went through, how we felt about things...we shared with each other. And now we hardly talk...scratch that. We don’t talk. at all. I would want to collect all the things I have written about you over the past few months and just give it to you to read. No words, no explanations, just a bunch of writings of how I felt for you to read and digest. Not sure what good it would do, or if it would do anything at all. Except I remember a time where I could have said anything to you and I wouldn’t feel like I had to hide something from you. I didn’t have to guard or filter what I said to you. I could be free. I could talk freely with you, be myself. I guess I wish I could do that one last time. Just let this all good once and for all. Otherwise I’ll just keep thinking, in the back of my head, what if. Then again, you have proven to me over and over again, that nothing I have done lately has changed anything between us. It’s just...not there anymore. And I can’t understand why. And I don’t have the strength anymore to try to understand or to even try to fix it. If theres anything left to fix anyway.
-April 3rd, 2010.

best friend

A realization came into my head as I got home from spending the day out with my cousin and her best friend...all I've really ever wanted in life was a best friend. I've always just wanted someone in my life I could call my best friend. Just one friend I could turn to whenever I needed something. Someone who I was so close with and I could spend the whole day with and not get sick of them. They would be the person I could be myself with. They would accept me and my flaws and love me for me. I'm not near the end of my life and I'm sure I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, however it seems like...for the most part, that is what I've been searching for. I've long for this friend. This one person I could count on to be there for me, and vice versa.

I envy my younger cousin most of the time. Not only does she have an older sister but she has a best friend that is essentially her twin. Watching all these chick flicks that I do as well as the numerous family centered television/movies I've always wanted an older sister to look up too. I have an older brother, but its different...and we have a different relationship then most.

I was a tomboy when I was younger and even now, I'm not the "girly-est-girl" out there. I was a late bloomer. I didn't really get into make-up/shoes/clothes, etc...the stereotypical "girly" things until later in life, well after my peers did. Anyway, I just always wish I could have had an older sister sometimes...to help me out with the girly stuff. Someone I could ask questions to, get advice from...and all that jazz. I guess that also comes into me wanting a "best" friend. I value the one-on-one connection you have with people. I like how each friendship or relationship isn't the same. Each has their flaws and special little aspects.

I just...I wish I had that connection with someone. Someone I could call my best friend. Where it would be a "balanced" friendship. Something like what my cousin has with her best friend. I want to find my twin.

sparks

If i let myself...i still get the small feelings of hope, warmth, and the tingles you gave me back then. If i let myself think about the last time we were on the same page and were...for the lack of a better word to describe the situation...happy.

Every now and then I'll have the thoughts of you and I from the past and that small glimmer of happiness appears...except what follows soon after that is the heart ache of who we are today and the space that separates us. How we don't even talk anymore and the feeling of everything that was between us was a waste...

but there are the few, small moments of where i remember...

screw you blog.

So I just wrote a WHOLE bunch of shit in this blog, yet something happened and I signed out when I didnt click log out and somehow I lost what I just spent the last...hour or so writing a long overdue post. I don't know if I even have the headspace, energy or the memory to even re-write what I just spent the last hour doing. Stupid blog. I wish your auto save was a little bit better. I'm only going to create a little outline and hopefully I can write all that I wanted to write this time..but later.

-How lately I've been finding things in common with some new friends and people i never thought I would. Its crazy how the thoughts you have, insecurities and what not, how people share the same thoughts and ideas. It gives me hope that there are people out there that understand me and there are people out there that can be there for me. It just gives me a small smidgen of hope that I'm not alone out there. Though sometimes, especially lately, it feels that way.

-I went away for the weekend which I was dreading profusely. I did not want to go, I was stressed out and was not looking forward to it at all. I didn't want to go talk about my feelings, share with others and do some self-exploration exercises with 7/8 other people some of which I barely even know, or like. One of the main things was though that I wanted to avoid someone as much as possible. Well really, I just wasn't sure how to act around this one person. What I thought were my two options, bitchy and normal didn't seem like the right fit at all. I also had some hesitation to go on this weekend because I felt like there could be a lot riding on it, when it came to a certain subject. I felt like this weekend could make or break a relationship and I don't think I was ready for that answer. I didn't want to hope that something good would happen and a friendship would be rebuild, or something even better then that. But I was also afraid of finally coming to terms about whether or not this relationship was worth fighting for. I don't think i was ready to come to that conclusion yet. There's no stopping time however and the weekend came up and I had to go on this trip.

-However this trip wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Actually, looking back it was a wonderful trip and overall a positive experience. Sure there were some crap moments and some negative aspects, but that's just life. Once my car consisting of 3 awesome people started to trek to our destination the weekend started. Once we set out on that open road with the ipod music blaring, sun shinning, windows down, I started to feel the stress and weight on my shoulder start to dissipate. This feeling of being relaxed and carefree has been so foreign to me lately that I wasn't going to let anyone ruin that. I wanted to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed and carefree especially during the weekend because I didn't know when the next time I would have this chance, especially since I can feel the work piling on once again as I'm back to "civilization." Also during this trip I made the decision that someone in particular was not going to get to me. I was going to dead this person because there was no point on dwelling of what was clearly NOT there anymore. Again, I wasn't going to let someone ruin my weekend. I'm tired of playing that role of being the one who takes action and looks like a douche in the process or a sad little kitten begging for something. That's not me and I won't let it be me, especially not with a person.

Another topic that has been on my mind lately is letting this blog go. I mean that in the sense of putting the link out there and letting people read what i've written. It might make things so much easier because i haven't held back in these posts, I've only held back on the names of people and the specifics. It might be easier to just let people read these posts because it gets everything out in the open. There's no more need to hid or play the what if game. I could safely say that I took the plunge and wouldn't need to worry about the what if's anymore, which can drive you crazy. However once I let this blog "go" in a sense, its not longer mine. That's what I feel like. People I know will be reading this and I'll have to be mindful of what I put up here. At least I hope if I let this go, people will care enough to read it. But really, once I know that people can read this, it'll be different. I'll be self conscious of the words I write and I'll no longer to the no-holds back post and just say what I feel. I don't want to hide or hold back, though sometimes I do. I don't want to hide behind the facade anymore and I find it much easier when the truth is said. By letting people, or certain people read these posts I think it provides them with a much more inside look into me, and might help progress things forward. But I don't know if I'm ready yet to expose myself like that.

Vent/Rant

I haven't wrote in here in a while, mostly because nothing has come across my mind lately that's been needing to get out. Nothing noteworthy has happened to me over the past couple of weeks that i felt the need to write about. More importantly I've just been taking each day by the day. Just going through the motions to get through the day. I haven't spent the time to think about all that's happened or take a breather. I've just gone through each hour of the day for weeks now. Guess by doing that, and not thinking/processing everything its led me to this point of me wanting to explode. I felt like i needed somewhere to vent, rant, scream, yell out my feelings and thoughts before they get misplaced to someone else. I guess its also why i feel like everything is crashing down on me today and this week in particular. I'll definitely have to write soon because once again i'm leaving for my all-'important and fun' retreat weekend. Yea..I can still remember how i felt when I left in the fall and let me tell you...I'm really looking forward to that again. I think i might be if not equally or more excited about the trip then i was last time i went up. I can only hope its not the same shit-fest it was in the fall but..as of right now, my hopes dwindling on its last leg.

The more important reason for me writing an entry today when I should be tackling the endless list i have of shit i need to get done before i leave and the weekend goes to waste, is that i need to vent. Simple as that. I'm pissed at everything and have no outlet to express that anger. I can't vent to someone, or at least the person i have in mind because i have a feeling i'm pissing her off with my bad, pissed off mood. So, I'm angry a lot, I hate on people a lot. Sue Me. I am the way I fucking am. I don't see the reason for me to guard myself anymore. It's fucking tiresome and why should i? If you don't like me or don't accept me for the way I am then I don't need you in my life. I'll just have to continue to guard myself when I'm around you and what kind of shit is that? How much work is that to do for the rest of my life?

People disgust me. I don't get why you have to put on a front, or act the way that you do. Why must you have to have the constant need for attention or to be a jackass? I don't understand why you say someone's annoying as FUCK yet you still make the effort to talk to that person? or you something to reach out to them? I DON'T FUCKING get it. I don't know how the fuck your head works. You're also one of the reasons why I'm dreading this fucking weekend and its not fucking surprise that you had this effect on me last year as well. I don't even think I can help not being an asshole to you during the weekend. At this point, because i'm so fucking pissed theres no way I can be civil. I wont be fake and act like everythings okay. Which is exactly why I can't imagine this weekend will be anything but shit.

I thought venting would help me out, however its only getting me madder. I can't think of anything right now that would help me calm down. I can feel my blood boil and its getting to the tipping point. AND i'm getting a fucking headache. I can almost feel myself starting to shake with anger. I can't focus on anything nor can I really pinpoint everything that's making me mad. Though I can pinpoint what caused me to almost go over board, which is what I wrote up ^ there.

I'm tired of being kick to the fucking curb and obviously not cared for. And that goes for more than one instant. I don't know how much more I can put up being constantly shit on by my mother. It's getting to the point that the deliberate efforts on her part to ignore me are getting more and more obvious, when as a mother that shouldn't be the FUCKING case. I know i'm not the favorite. I know i'm the second best child. I can pretty much go throughout my day with being in this house and not being talked to. If i am being talked to by her, its mostly to put me down or criticize me. Mostly I get constantly ignored by her. I'm going away for the weekend, she knows this. I won't be in cell phone range therefore we'll have limited if at all communication. So what does she do? She makes the grand ol' effort to talk to my brother about the plans she has for their weekend. She talks to him and only him when we're both her children and both in the house. There's three people in the house yet she'll only talk to one. She won't acknowledge me only when she needs to yell. I can only be pushed so far. Half of my therapy will be because of this shit. This is everyday. Her not including me in the conversations, her just talking to my brother. Her outright expressing her concern over my brothers behalf and not mine. Its sickening. I've had to deal with this for some time now. And its just pushing me farther over the edge.

I can't tell when this angers going to die down. It hasn't yet after venting and hopefully it wont get misplaced onto someone else and they'll have to feel my wrath. I'm trying hard for that not to happen.

quick post

Had to get my thoughts out in case i forgot them...

How hard is the truth from you? Or How am i suppose to tell that your telling me the truth and that all that you say to me is what you really feel. All those persona's you portray only reinforce the fact that I can never know when your being honest with me. How do i know that i'm not another one of your little puppets you like to play around with? I know to some extent this is not true, however there's still a good amount of me that doesn't know what to think. I can't say i'm 100% sure about this. I hate letting the day's pass us by without really getting to the bottom of things. Time is going to keep going past us and the next thing you know months have past and things have changed again. When can we find the right moment for us to...be us? We go on with our days because no times seems right, or we just can't find the time to make things right. I don't want months to past or things to be forgotten or buried so far deep its impossible to get back to the surface. Yet...i'm still not even 100% comfortable talking to you about everything because...we haven't been on the same page in...a really long time.

Why does today feel like i'm in a world wind? I feel like things are flashing by me and I can't grasp anything because its going by too fast. I feel like everything around me is going a hundred miles an hour and i just can't keep up and opportunities are passing me by.

Got It All Wrong- Wakey!Wakey!

It's been long enough that I can think of you
It's been long enough that I can speak to you
But I don't really think that you want to anymore
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me I'm sure

What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong

So we tried our best but it wasn't enough
And yeah we tried so hard that we fucked it up
And I understand, yeah I understand your love
And it's gotta be hard, what you're going through
And I get what you say but it's what we do
Got to see her and I guess what's done is done

What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong

The days are short and the nights are long
And it's all fucked up but we carry on
Cause there's little else and there's nothing left to do
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me too

What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong

-Got It All Wrong, Wakey!Wakey!

Time

Time is a funny thing. It's constant. There's no changing it, it happens whether we like it or not sometimes. Sometimes time helps heal the wounds we have and sometimes it makes those wounds we have, bigger.
I started this blog in November 2009 and now its Feburary 2010. Sure its only been four months but actually, i'm quite surprise i've kept this blog up for so long. It doesn't seem like four months is a long time but looking back at the entries and remembering what i've been going through for these past four months..it feels like a journey. Four months ago i needed something to turn to, to express the thoughts and feelings I was having because there was no one I could turn too. I've dealt with some of the lowest lows and highest highs these past four months and looking back today, its hard to imagine that it's only been four months. It feels like a whirl wind.
I've had to deal with losing one of my closet friends these past few months. Slowly but surely I have. I had to go through a time where I felt like I was losing him to someone else then have him come back in my life, though slightly different. Then again losing him slowly once again. There was a time where I would think about this person everyday. You could see it in one of my previous post about how comfortable I felt around him, how I thought about him everyday. It's funny how time changes those feelings. I went day by day thinking about him with nothing happening. I went through each day hoping our friendship or relationship would bounce back to normal or escalate into something better, but it never did. Instead I just lived day by day without my 'best' friend to talk to. After talking to this person everyday for, god knows how long and it seemed like forever, I wasn't anymore. I had to get use to the fact that this person was no longer there for me to talk to anymore.
Days would go by and I would silently wait and hope that we would somehow find our way back. However sometimes during those days I got hurt by the very same person I was hoping to change this situation we were in. I had convinced myself that this was just a phase and it wouldn't go on too long. Things were just off for the moment but they would bounce back. However those days just dragged out longer and longer and I was getting hurt more and more each day. I finally had to come to the realization that things weren't going to change. All this hoping and waiting wasn't doing anything and it surely wasn't doing any good for me. And so I had to start letting go. I had to go through my days not thinking about this person which at the time I thought was impossible. And now...now that time has past, I realize I do think about this person less. I'm not waiting around anymore or hoping because it did me no good. It's just now I realize just how much time and how far we've come.
There use to be a time where not a day went by without us speaking to each other and now I'd be more surprise if I heard from that person then the silence I receive everyday.
Time is helping. The days our passing by me and the pain I feel is becoming less and less. It's still prominent, and probably will be for some time but its less, slightly less then the day before. And now I just have to go on with my life not hoping for a change in this person because the alternative hurts more.

Hung Up

It's been a little while, my past two posts have been solely songs. I guess I'm just slowly...definitely slowly coming to realize that...i have to move on. I have to stop being so hung up on the past because its not helping me move forward. For a good long while I didn't have the biggest support system. I dealt with problems and issues all on my own, thought about them in my own head and took my own advice. This worked out for me, then again this was all I had. Now as i've built up my support system and have a fair share of people i could go to if i truly need help, i find myself having to guard myself and not being able to fully tell them whats going on in my life. In certain situations I have to leave names out and when i can say names these people don't really understand to the full extent just what's going on in this situation. I guess, people really can't know to the full extent what situation your in, until they themselves are in that particular situation. But they can still listen, still give their input and in some cases offer some advice and what they think. And now lately...now that i have been telling people whats going on in my life, to some extent, I find that i'm slowly...kinda, losing myself in all of this. I'm worried, and I shouldn't be, I know I shouldn't be. But i'm still worried about what these people say when they do realize just how deep I am into this situation and what they're gonna say when I don't listen to their advice. I know I should, it'll probably be beneficial for me to listen to them...but I just can't find myself...yet.

I pride myself to be tough. As much as i believe in all that fairy tale romance and the typical chick flick story I don't want to be that naive girl that keeps going back to the asshole, or the douche. If i step back, look at my own situation from the outside, take the emotions out of the equation, I would kick myself. I would tell myself that I should be better then this. I should move on, kick this person to the curb. If this person has hurt you the way that they did I would say you don't need this person in your life. However that's when the emotions come rushing back in and I immediately get reminded how much this person has already affected my life...in a good way. I truly believe that this person has helped me open up so much more and made me so much more self aware. This person has helped me become much, much, much more comfortable in my own skin. This person has made me realize that I don't need to change for anyone and that I should just be exactly who I am. That's kinda funny though...because this person says that..yet we're not together. Or can't be. I don't know. That could be another story, or one in all the same. I'm realizing now as well that this blog, as it started out as my outlet and for me to write my feelings out using song lyrics, has majorly been about one person, or a situation around this person.

I heard the other day that sometimes people..."They wanna hear the songs with the words they're too afraid to say..." Which i find completely and utterly true. This is what my blog was to be based on. Finding those song lyrics to express those words I'm too afraid to say. And that has been true these past couple of days for me. I've had trouble talking and finding the words to say to this one particular person, however as you've seen in my past two posts I've found the songs. These are the words I would want to say. I just haven't found the courage yet. Well that's one part. The other part is just me thinking I need to be strong and move away from something that has proven its not good for me.

I've slowly done that though. I have been pulling myself away and trying not to dwell on the fact that this situation is not working out. However, like its happen in the past, as soon as i make the effort to move on, move past whatever it is, the other person draws me RIGHT back on. Almost immediately. It's like they have a radar. So I got sucked right back in and even though i told myself not to get my hopes up, lets just see where this sudden revelation goes, see if it takes...it didn't and my hopes got drawn up a bit. So the end result? Me getting hurt, once again, even if its a little bit, it still adds onto the already there pile. And now...i'm just trying not to see the point in trying anymore. And honestly, I think i've become the girl that has gotten kick so many times that she FINALLY comes to realize that enough is enough. I wish that the first kick would have done this end result..but it didn't, and i had to endure the many kicks first. However...sadly i have to say that we'll see how long this lasts because I'll admit, i'm sure I can be easily swayed to having my hopes up again. I blame all the romantic comedy's or chick flicks I've seen. They give me hope that someday I'll get my own chick flick type story and happy ending.

This post was all over the place but I had to get something out. This isn't one of the best writings i've had, but I needed to post. I thought I should share some freelance thoughts going on in my head today. Back to pandora-ing Colbie Caillat and finding chick flick movies and reading romance novels..by Nicholas Sparks. Yea...i'm just feeding the monster..I know.

Still Breathing

Give me any reason to believe
'Cause I swear I'm done here
'Cause I've seen a bigger picture
And I'm looking for some answers

Tell me that it's worth it
'Cause I'm doing all I can to fight it
And I've never been this scared
And my moment's finally here

Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing

It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Promise me some dignity
If I were to stand and die here
'Cause my heart is somewhere else
It's a pain I've never felt

Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing

It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Where do we all find love?
Where do we all find love?

It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed (I'm still breathing)
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own (I'm still breathing)
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Still Breathing - Mayday Parade

A Song for the both of us.

I always played you songs to say
What I never could
Other people say it better
Say it better than I would
But for every word left unsaid
I thought you understood

It was easier to kiss you
Than to tell you how I feel
Oh and I don't want to lose you
But you can't see that through your tears
You're saying that I hurt you
But I had no idea

I'm doing my best to make it
To make it
But you don't believe
Believe that I am

Just cause you say it's so
Doesn't make it so
Singing I don't show
What I'm feeling for you
I'd rather shut my mouth
Than spell it out
There's no doubt
When it's written all over my face
What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want when it's written all over my face
If you want we can talk about it all day
But what's to say when it's written all over my face

You're not one of my boys
You can't get inside my mind
I'm not one of your girlfriends
Who's gonna see it from your side
What you lay on the table
Well I choose to keep inside

I'm doing my best to make it
To make it
But you don't believe
Believe that I am

Just cause you say it's so
Doesn't make it so
Singing I don't show
What I'm feeling for you
I'd rather shut my mouth
Than spell it out
There's no doubt
When it's written all over my face
What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want, when it's written all over my face
If you want we can talk about it all day
But what's to say when it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face

There's nothing wrong but communication
It's just a problem of our own creation
Sometimes love gets lost in translation

What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want when it's written all over my face
If you want we could talk about it all day
But what's to say
When it's written all over my face
All over my face
All over my face
When it's written all over my face
All over my face

There's nothing wrong but communication
It's just a problem of our own creation
Sometimes love gets lost in translation

-Written All Over My Face - Kris Allen

Everything around me

It seems like today is one of those days were i realized that almost everyone around me has some sort of significant other by their side. It seems like everyone is in a relationship right now. This all might sound narrow minded or cynical, not everyone i know is in a relationship and they might not all even be happy...but that's where i'm at right now. I left off in my previous blog about feeling lonely and its come bubbling up to the top once again. It also doesn't help that there's a fair share of people around me in relationships.
They say great things happen when you least expect it, which is probably true. It is a saying after all, it had to come from somewhere. I guess that hasn't happen to me yet, and I kinda hope it happens to me soon. However I guess that defeats the purpose of the saying because my hope is me expecting it. Guess I screwed that chance of something great happening to me up.
I've also heard about how your suppose to act like your not suppose to care about the person you like. You're suppose to act nonchalant and not show that you like this person, maybe even sometimes treating this person like crap. All for this person to come to you and start realizing they like you. It is me or is that all just a load of shit? How backwards is that thinking? Treat someone like shit so they like you? Ignore them so they notice you? This obviously works for some people because its obvious that word has gone around that this tactic works. Maybe i'm old fashion but i believe in flirting and telling the person you have feelings for them...maybe that's where i've been wrong. All this time im suppose to be ignoring and not being upfront. I figured it out....
hopefully you can tell this is sarcasm.

I've also been closer and closer to telling people the link to this blog. On one hand it just seems easier to tell the people who actually care or at least the ones i care enough to be truthful and honest with, the low down of whats been going on in my life. It seems like the easiest way to let those people know just exactly what's been going on in my head for the past couple of months. This blog has and hopefully will always be my outlet where i can let my feelings out openly and honestly. Which is also part of the flip side of me hesitating on letting this blog go public, as in terms of those who know me. This is the place where i can openly talk about anything and everything on my mind. I don't have a filter here and have to be afraid of what i say. No one's reading this blog....that I know of. This blog is just for me.

Also, i hate feeling like i'm being lied too. In fact I know i'm being lied to because the evidence is right in front of me. I don't like being played and being taken for as a fool. I'm not a fool. Don't burn me. I'm a strong headed person, i know this. I don't really take shit from people and have the mindset in where you cross me once I don't care about you anymore. I don't tolerate people hurting me and i'm quick to cut people. Most people at least. I do have trouble with the mindset, especially lately. I've been hesitant to cut a certain someone from my life recently whose hurt me, but i just can't seem to let go..at least not fully. I've been coming more and more distant with this person and been caring less and less. I haven't let go completely yet and even letting go little by little sucks and hurts. And i cant remember the last time letting someone go hurt me. I guess that says something...

late night...courage

You know one thing i have come to learn is that i hate after a night of going out to drink and have a good time with your friends, once you stop drinking and are on your way home you start to lose the buzz you've had. That's where i'm at now. I went out today and honestly, i really just went out to drink and be around two people out of a group of people who came out. I wanted to drink and I wanted to be around a guy that when we were coworkers use to have innocent flirting sessions. After the situation I have been in with the guy that i truly like and maybe even love, i've just been wanting to find a distraction from that. I wanted to find someone who could take my mind off of the feelings i had for this said person. Tonight i had that opportunity and to be honest, if the cards were laid out, i would have went after it. The main point however is that i hate losing the feeling of being drunk, wasted, tipsy or however you may want to call it. I like the feeling after I've had a couple of drinks just because I'm able to become more loose and not care about what people think of me. I become much more relax and at ease with myself. I tend to be able to say things with the hesitation i would normally have. That's why i hate when this feeling goes away. I want to be able to not have the hesitation to say certain things to certain people, but i do. I do have that frightfulness of being saying what i want, at least when it comes to certain things. I understand the saying 'liquid courage' now because i do become more courageous when i have engulfed some liquor in me.

I've waited to long since my last post to post another entry. It's already a new year, but to be honest, i haven't really needed an outlet to express my feelings. At least, I haven't had the need to express my emotions to the extent of posting a blog. That might sound bad but really, its basically just me saying, I haven't come across some major emotional breakdown or revelation that i needed to get out and express in my blog. I mean, there have been times where i've wanted to write down whats been going on in my head, but i've always pushed it back, and for reasons i don't even know. Maybe because i didnt really see the importance of making an entry for it, but that shouldn't really matter because I actually haven't given any of the people i know the link for this blog yet. So they wouldn't even read these entries...yet. I haven't gain the comfort-ness, or courage to put this blog out on the open. I also hate the word blog, just because it sounds...so blah. "I have a blog, i write important things on it,this is my voice blah blah..." To me, the word just sounds too..uptight and high class, like i'm better then most people because i created a blog, but really, this is just my outlet for writings. I like to write and this is the way to do it and a way to let people read my writings, thats all. So...this is the long awaited blog, first of 2010 and to be honest, i wish it was a little more insightful but this is where i am at right now. Maybe i'll write tomorrow to make up for this slighty tipsy entry. Something to leave off with....i'm tired of being lonely.