defeated, glass wall

I feel defeated.
At the dinner table i feel as though there is a glass wall separating me between my immediate.
I cannot wait till i finally get either the guts or the money to start going to a therapist. As i said before and probably will again is that 95% of it i'm sure will be about my family, my mother in specific.

I just had to dismiss myself from the dinning room table to climb up the stairs and have a mini breakdown, then pull myself together just so i wouldn't break down in front of everything then cause an even more debacle...and probably just piss ppl off more. Though it honestly, HONESTLY wasn't my intention to make ppl mad. It usually isn't either! I know there are times i'm an ass and do stir the pot on purpose, however after years, and multiple times were i've gotten yelled at and in trouble. I've learn to watch my mouth and just simply not comment on things. However in this instance today I honestly was just talking...i was asking a legitimate question, however of course whatever i say is misconstrued and therefore causing problems..However i actually took myself out of the situation before things escalated. Then when i mention, and i'm seriously when this is what happened, that I was starving which i felt like my stomach was eating itself...i mentioned that I was starving, hoping to eat first before my brother got home from work, which would be in about 20 minutes. My mother flips her shit. My mother suggest i go drink soup first before my brother gets home. Fine, whatever, she obviously does not want to eat without him. Fine, whatever i'll go drink soup. She then gets increasingly mad and taking her anger out by lashing out at me. She gets so mad and doesn't understand that why, when i got home at 5 (dinner at 730ish) that i did not make myself something to eat. When sometimes when i do, do this, she gets upset at me for ruining my appetite, so rightfully so I did not do that this time. Still get in trouble. She starts yelling at me about this, why i did not eat when i get home and how our father is only home to eat dinner with us 2 days of the week why can't i just wait a few more minutes till my brother gets home. Meanwhile I'm already quietly drinking my soup. I don't say anything, as i've learned not to in this situation. However she just continues to stare at me and questions whether I am listening to her. So I acknowledge her...I say I am drinking my soup now, it's fine. Apparently now I've made her INCREASINGLY more mad and she proceeds to yell at me. So i talk back to her, very calmly, just answering her questions...until i hear my father, who has given this advice to me before "...JUST STOP TALKING...YOU'VE BEEN TALKING EVER SINCE YOU GOT HOME...JUST STOP..." and so i shut my mouth. My mother turns around and continues to cook something in the kitchen, pots and pans banging in her frustration.

Ever once in a while this feeling of just worthlessness creeps up into my mind and body. I can feel the tears running to the forefront, ready to spill at will. I go about my day usually not speaking to my parents, my mother especially. I don't remember a conversation between the two of us that lasted longer than 10 minutes and without us getting into a fight, or more importantly her upset and yelling at me.

I really want to mention this to my parents because honestly, i don't know how much more I can take. I'm not saying I don't feel grateful for all that they've done and provide me with a good life. Which i have a feeling if i were to mention something they would use this against me. However i just want to, for ONCE vocalize my opinion without getting into trouble and not having it misconstrued into something it isnt or wasn't my intention. I have to will away the tears and act strong because I can't keep breaking down about the same thing over and over again. But this issue is such a standing figure in my life that I constantly, constantly have to push down into my subconscious because if I let it fester, or into my conscious...I don't know how i would function and go about my daily living...with this constant feeling of not being able to be who I am and not TALK to my parents. I can't say I have a relationship with my mother because honestly, our relationship consists of me constantly watching what I say, or basically not saying anything at all in order to keep some sort of peace between us. Peace within the whole house as well. God knows if i piss her off, the whole house will feel her wrath then I will have eventually piss the entire house off because of a tiff between my mother and I.

I can't keep dealing with this all internally. I can't even say i'm dealing with this because it still effects me and nothing has changed. I still feel the same as probably the last time this has happened and probably wrote about it in past entries. I cannot think of anyone, at this moment, where I feel comfortable just expressing all of this too. Expressing all of this, 110%, all the feelings I have and the bad that comes with this whole issue. I don't know who I could confide in which sucks and therefore I do have to deal with this all internally. Or at least write it all down here. It gives me some peace of mind that hopefully down the line i'll be able to work this issue out or come back to this entry and reflect on how I was feeling at this particular time and problem.

My heart feels heavy. My brain feels like theres two elephants closing in on either side. I can feel the tears building up and wanting to spill. And I can feel my hopelessness build and radiate out of me. I'm stuck. Defeated and no more words can come to mind because I just don't know what else to say or do.