Wednesday, May 28, 2014
It Kinda Sucks...
It kinda sucks when the person you thought knew you the best just a few short years ago, doesn't really know you anymore. Time and distance unfortunately caused a drift and maybe we just lost that connection we once had. It's like we're almost strangers now and you can't hear my voice when I text you. Or understand what I'm really trying to convey. Before I could send you one simple word and you would know exactly how I meant it. And now...it's like I'm talking to a stranger. And it's really sad. I don't feel like there's anyone in my corner anymore. I don't feel like there's anyone that truly knows the real me.
Friday, May 2, 2014
One more
When I was younger, I remember thinking about dying and killing myself. I think one of the first times I thought about it, I remember holding onto a thought, a thought that I just had to finish the Btvs series. I was holding on to May 20, 2003. That was my thought that was holding me on. I just had to live on, I had to see that end of the series. Looking back on that now, that was 11 years ago. I was 13. I was 13 years old, thinking I wanted to end my life. I'm 24 and still thinking about it. Obviously I made it through, I made it to my current age. But still, these thoughts entered my mind then. And now. I don't know how much that says about me but I think, i mean, it's just crazy to think about. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. That for the past 11 years, I've gone on through my life, but I've had these thoughts before. Granted, I'm a bit older now, lived through more life. Yet, those thoughts are still ever present, maybe more so now. Well, no, definitely more so now and now, unfortunately I'm smarted too. Smart to know better and not end my life, but also smart enough to know the ways where I can be successful. I don't know which is scarier.
I'm also trying to think of a thought now. A thought that will give me something to hold on a little longer. And...I can't. Not a good enough one to keep me holding on. But that's what I'm doing at the moment. Though it's not making me very happy or changing much. I'm just feeling basically hollow. Like I'm just a sheet in the wind or something. I'm a ghost moving through air. Going through the motions, basically. Until something happens.
I'm also trying to think of a thought now. A thought that will give me something to hold on a little longer. And...I can't. Not a good enough one to keep me holding on. But that's what I'm doing at the moment. Though it's not making me very happy or changing much. I'm just feeling basically hollow. Like I'm just a sheet in the wind or something. I'm a ghost moving through air. Going through the motions, basically. Until something happens.
Can't take it anymore
I don't know how much more I can take living in an environment where I'm not allowed to be myself or free. I can't express any sort of emotion and when I do, it isn't validated or even acknowledged. I'm so fucking tired of living in a place of hopelessness and knowing things won't/can't change. I'm so sick and tired of this and way too pissed off right now. And I can't even say anything because god forbid I'm mad or upset in this house. I can't express any fucking emotion...ever. Because then I'm an ungrateful, spoiled girl with a horrible attitude that I need to change. My tone of voice is constantly criticized. I'm ignored constantly and feel like I might as well be invisible. I'm losing hope that things will change and don't see the point in anything anymore. I can't even speak up about a simple fact that my mother threw out a lemon and lime juice in our refrigerator. I can't be mad at this. I'm going to be told I don't have a right to be mad at this. Even when though I bought the lime juice...it was never open and couldn't have possibly gone bad or taken up THAT much room in the fucking fridge. But if I say ANYTHING, even just to ask where/why was those things thrown out, EVEN IN THE MOST CALMEST FUCKING VOICE, i can only imagine what world war three fight that might fucking release.
You see, i'm not allowed to say anything. Everything I say, everything I do gets twisted into some sort of negative notion and idea by my mother. I asked her how her day was once and got a disgusted look from her and barely an answer. If I asked, what was making her so mad or why did she look/sound that way, my god, the world might as well have exploded because it would have been twisted into why I was asking that question and why MY tone of voice was off. The last big fucking fight my mother and I had started because I didn't flush the toilet! I DIDN'T FLUSH THE TOILET. Of course, that may be gross to some people, but if you live in a house ALL your life and its been an unspoken rule, no one flushes when someone just pees but then the fucking mother of the house decides to change the rules in the past year that we must flush now everytime, I'M SORRY IF I FORGOT. You know it may be a little bit of a HARD FUCKING HABIT TO BREAK IF I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS. Like fuck this. And the fight we had this time? Was because I changed my mind and decided to eat without waiting for my brother to come home from work. And because my mother ONCE AGAIN misinterpreted my words/tone of voice to think I, I WAS PISSED OFF. And even when I SAID, OUTLOUD, very clearly I WAS NOT MAD. Nope, no I was mad because my mother, MY MOTHER, said I was. She knew I was, because of course she's in my fucking brain. She know's how I think. She's not in my head! She is NOT ME yet she some how thinks she has the right to tell me, ME how I FEEL. How is that even right? How is that correct? How does she not see that, that is NOT OKAY? She keeps putting words in my mouth. She can't see past her own thoughts of what she thinks I may be thinking and it is *infuriating*. I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings because my mother feels that she has the right to govern over them. She says I need to change. I have to change my attitude and way of life. Why just me? Sure I'll change...I fucking have changed. I'm no longer a teenage girl. I'm not 13 years old anymore. Give me some goddamn credit that I've learned my ways and I'm a bit smarter as a 24 year old. But does that even matter? If I do, by some odd means, change into the way my mother wants...would it even matter? How would she know I changed? In what ways does she want me to change and how would she notice a difference?
I tried talking to her yesterday. I tried diffusing the situation and not getting mad, tried talking to her calmly and quietly and did that work? No of course not. It only mad situations worst. As always her solution was, we just shouldn't talk to each other anymore. Which is what we've been doing for the past fucking, god knows, how many years. I could tell she was upset by this and I told her I was upset by this. I didn't want our relationship to be like this. I don't want to have my relationship with my mother be one where we couldn't even talk to each other. So I tried to fix it. I tried to see what we could do. -That is me changing! That is me growing! I'm trying to fix this. But did it work? No. Of course not. Why would it? Why would anything? What is the point anymore? I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find a point. Living in a place where all I feel is hopelessness and invisible is taking its toll. I don't want to continue living when I see no point. It would make things so much easier if I was gone. I wanted to kill myself so bad yesterday. I kept thinking of drowning myself in pills and alcohol. If I went to bed, I didn't want to get up. I was scared of hurting myself and scared of what I might do. If I was going to attempt something, I wanted to make sure I was goddamn successful. I told my brother, living like this was killing me. Constantly biting my tongue, not saying how I feel, for fear I would upset my mother, not being allowed to be mad or angry at anything. I can't do it anymore. I was in and still am in complete pain. I feel just utter despair and I want it to end. I was fucking hyperventilating yesterday from crying and being upset and did that make a difference? No of course not. My mother got mad at me because I was still upset and again putting words into my mouth that I was blaming her. When really I was just upset about the overall situation. At that moment, I wasn't blaming her, but does it matter? No. Once again, of course not. Did my hyperventilating make my brother blink an eye? Nope not really...I just felt, once again, alone. And that my feelings weren't being considered as real. No one is seeing how really, truly hurt I am by all of this. Bo one is understanding that I didn't mean to cause another fight. Not that I think I caused it, but I'm the only one to blame. My brother and father expect this action from my mother and me and expect me, me to be the bigger person and keep my mouth shut. They say, 'you know how she is' so why do I do the things I do? Maybe because if I keep continuing I might as well be dead. I'm not living like this. In a constant state of being quiet, ignored, silently suffering in pain. What kind of life is that? These aren't the thoughts I want to be thinking of. I don't want to think about ending my life. I don't want to be feeling like that is my only option or that is even a better option, especially not after losing Danny. Its still so hard to think about him, how he was taken way too soon. It's not fair. It's not fair he had to lose his life to cancer. It still hard to comprehend that he is really gone. That he's not gonna be at anymore family gatherings anymore, or when we go out to celebrate cousin birthdays..he won't be there. I still can't wrap my head around it. The pain his family must be feeling is unimaginable. And I'm still here also thinking about ending my life. I don't want to put my family through that either. but I can't figure out how to continue living right now, in this pain. I don't want to continue going on with my life, as my family expects me to and is doing themselves because I feel like they are just going to swept this fight up under the rug as another one of Mom and I's fights. But it is different this time. My mother choked me and wanted to kill me, she wanted me out of the house. The amount of hatred I saw in her eyes and felt was enough to solidify my thoughts and realize that there is something within her that makes her hate me so much. And this is something I'm never going to be able to change. She can't stand me. She doesn't like a part of me. So what do I do with that? How do I live with that? How do I continue living with this thought? How do I go on knowing that, there is some part of my mother that really hates me. She is so frustrated by me and doesn't believe I can change or that our relationship can be fixed so why should I try? I feel like my efforts would be fruitless. Why keep going on through the motions? Why do I keep living? I want them to realize how much pain I am in. I need them to take me seriously when I say I'm hurting and that this is really causing me pain. I cut myself goddamn it because of this. I want to die because of this. I feel like the only escape for me is dying. Yet, I think if I even do say this, for some reason, it still wouldn't matter. They still won't get it. I just need them to damn it, acknowledge me. It's hard going through life when you feel that you aren't valued or even acknowledged. And I don't know what to do anymore. or what would make me feel better.
I've cried too much in this past month than I ever want to in my life.
You see, i'm not allowed to say anything. Everything I say, everything I do gets twisted into some sort of negative notion and idea by my mother. I asked her how her day was once and got a disgusted look from her and barely an answer. If I asked, what was making her so mad or why did she look/sound that way, my god, the world might as well have exploded because it would have been twisted into why I was asking that question and why MY tone of voice was off. The last big fucking fight my mother and I had started because I didn't flush the toilet! I DIDN'T FLUSH THE TOILET. Of course, that may be gross to some people, but if you live in a house ALL your life and its been an unspoken rule, no one flushes when someone just pees but then the fucking mother of the house decides to change the rules in the past year that we must flush now everytime, I'M SORRY IF I FORGOT. You know it may be a little bit of a HARD FUCKING HABIT TO BREAK IF I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS. Like fuck this. And the fight we had this time? Was because I changed my mind and decided to eat without waiting for my brother to come home from work. And because my mother ONCE AGAIN misinterpreted my words/tone of voice to think I, I WAS PISSED OFF. And even when I SAID, OUTLOUD, very clearly I WAS NOT MAD. Nope, no I was mad because my mother, MY MOTHER, said I was. She knew I was, because of course she's in my fucking brain. She know's how I think. She's not in my head! She is NOT ME yet she some how thinks she has the right to tell me, ME how I FEEL. How is that even right? How is that correct? How does she not see that, that is NOT OKAY? She keeps putting words in my mouth. She can't see past her own thoughts of what she thinks I may be thinking and it is *infuriating*. I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings because my mother feels that she has the right to govern over them. She says I need to change. I have to change my attitude and way of life. Why just me? Sure I'll change...I fucking have changed. I'm no longer a teenage girl. I'm not 13 years old anymore. Give me some goddamn credit that I've learned my ways and I'm a bit smarter as a 24 year old. But does that even matter? If I do, by some odd means, change into the way my mother wants...would it even matter? How would she know I changed? In what ways does she want me to change and how would she notice a difference?
I tried talking to her yesterday. I tried diffusing the situation and not getting mad, tried talking to her calmly and quietly and did that work? No of course not. It only mad situations worst. As always her solution was, we just shouldn't talk to each other anymore. Which is what we've been doing for the past fucking, god knows, how many years. I could tell she was upset by this and I told her I was upset by this. I didn't want our relationship to be like this. I don't want to have my relationship with my mother be one where we couldn't even talk to each other. So I tried to fix it. I tried to see what we could do. -That is me changing! That is me growing! I'm trying to fix this. But did it work? No. Of course not. Why would it? Why would anything? What is the point anymore? I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find a point. Living in a place where all I feel is hopelessness and invisible is taking its toll. I don't want to continue living when I see no point. It would make things so much easier if I was gone. I wanted to kill myself so bad yesterday. I kept thinking of drowning myself in pills and alcohol. If I went to bed, I didn't want to get up. I was scared of hurting myself and scared of what I might do. If I was going to attempt something, I wanted to make sure I was goddamn successful. I told my brother, living like this was killing me. Constantly biting my tongue, not saying how I feel, for fear I would upset my mother, not being allowed to be mad or angry at anything. I can't do it anymore. I was in and still am in complete pain. I feel just utter despair and I want it to end. I was fucking hyperventilating yesterday from crying and being upset and did that make a difference? No of course not. My mother got mad at me because I was still upset and again putting words into my mouth that I was blaming her. When really I was just upset about the overall situation. At that moment, I wasn't blaming her, but does it matter? No. Once again, of course not. Did my hyperventilating make my brother blink an eye? Nope not really...I just felt, once again, alone. And that my feelings weren't being considered as real. No one is seeing how really, truly hurt I am by all of this. Bo one is understanding that I didn't mean to cause another fight. Not that I think I caused it, but I'm the only one to blame. My brother and father expect this action from my mother and me and expect me, me to be the bigger person and keep my mouth shut. They say, 'you know how she is' so why do I do the things I do? Maybe because if I keep continuing I might as well be dead. I'm not living like this. In a constant state of being quiet, ignored, silently suffering in pain. What kind of life is that? These aren't the thoughts I want to be thinking of. I don't want to think about ending my life. I don't want to be feeling like that is my only option or that is even a better option, especially not after losing Danny. Its still so hard to think about him, how he was taken way too soon. It's not fair. It's not fair he had to lose his life to cancer. It still hard to comprehend that he is really gone. That he's not gonna be at anymore family gatherings anymore, or when we go out to celebrate cousin birthdays..he won't be there. I still can't wrap my head around it. The pain his family must be feeling is unimaginable. And I'm still here also thinking about ending my life. I don't want to put my family through that either. but I can't figure out how to continue living right now, in this pain. I don't want to continue going on with my life, as my family expects me to and is doing themselves because I feel like they are just going to swept this fight up under the rug as another one of Mom and I's fights. But it is different this time. My mother choked me and wanted to kill me, she wanted me out of the house. The amount of hatred I saw in her eyes and felt was enough to solidify my thoughts and realize that there is something within her that makes her hate me so much. And this is something I'm never going to be able to change. She can't stand me. She doesn't like a part of me. So what do I do with that? How do I live with that? How do I continue living with this thought? How do I go on knowing that, there is some part of my mother that really hates me. She is so frustrated by me and doesn't believe I can change or that our relationship can be fixed so why should I try? I feel like my efforts would be fruitless. Why keep going on through the motions? Why do I keep living? I want them to realize how much pain I am in. I need them to take me seriously when I say I'm hurting and that this is really causing me pain. I cut myself goddamn it because of this. I want to die because of this. I feel like the only escape for me is dying. Yet, I think if I even do say this, for some reason, it still wouldn't matter. They still won't get it. I just need them to damn it, acknowledge me. It's hard going through life when you feel that you aren't valued or even acknowledged. And I don't know what to do anymore. or what would make me feel better.
I've cried too much in this past month than I ever want to in my life.
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