One more

When I was younger, I remember thinking about dying and killing myself. I think one of the first times I thought about it, I remember holding onto a thought, a thought that I just had to finish the Btvs series. I was holding on to May 20, 2003. That was my thought that was holding me on. I just had to live on, I had to see that end of the series. Looking back on that now, that was 11 years ago. I was 13. I was 13 years old, thinking I wanted to end my life. I'm 24 and still thinking about it. Obviously I made it through, I made it to my current age. But still, these thoughts entered my mind then. And now. I don't know how much that says about me but I think, i mean, it's just crazy to think about. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. That for the past 11 years, I've gone on through my life, but I've had these thoughts before. Granted, I'm a bit older now, lived through more life. Yet, those thoughts are still ever present, maybe more so now. Well, no, definitely more so now and now, unfortunately I'm smarted too. Smart to know better and not end my life, but also smart enough to know the ways where I can be successful. I don't know which is scarier.

I'm also trying to think of a thought now. A thought that will give me something to hold on a little longer. And...I can't. Not a good enough one to keep me holding on. But that's what I'm doing at the moment. Though it's not making me very happy or changing much. I'm just feeling basically hollow. Like I'm just a sheet in the wind or something. I'm a ghost moving through air. Going through the motions, basically. Until something happens.