Unbalanced and Lonely.

Two things on my mind today, summed up into two words-Unbalance and loneliness.

-It sucks, I created this blog as my outlet, and it sucks when I feel like I don't have the time to write in it. I can't take the time out to write a blog and to write my feelings out, even though I want to. I always feel the weight on my shoulders and this weight is coming down every minute. There's so many productive things I should be doing, however I'm want to just relax, zone out and be free for a little bit. I just want to sit back and write my thoughts down. However there's the flip side on how much work I should be getting done and how if I just put my foot down and get it all organized I would have time for everything. Its the first step that's always the hardest. Once you got one foot out the door, the other will follow. However no one ever tells you the story of how that foot got out that door. There's no clever sayings for that first foot, no cliche, at least not in my book of stored memories of cliches and such.

-This wasnt part of the two word theme's in my head today. Just a little vice needed to be put down. I'll come back tomorrow, hopefully...probably the next day to explain my thoughts/themes of today. Which will probably end up being the themes for the week. There needs to be more hours in the day, or I need to stop procrastinating and get more organized.

After the craziness-emotional outpour

So...I'm back from my weekend away.
I thought it was going to be an emotional weekend, i just never thought the emotions would hit me hard AFTER the weekend was relatively over.
As I mentioned in my previous post I thought this weekend could either go one of two ways, either a great/good weekend, or a weekend that wasn't going to be fun at all...and i was right. This weekend was a hard one, emotionally, physically and just mentally.
Nowadays everyone uses technology, whether its just the simple fact of watching television or having a blackberry and constantly checking emails or texting. This was a weekend where I, as well as the others who went on this trip, were able to get away from all of that. There was the home land line, as well as a computer, but really everyone that went up on this trip, for the most part at least, stayed away from all of that and tried to enjoy the "quiet" weekend, without all that outside world affecting them.
I wouldnt think this would affect me so much, not being able to text, however as soon as I got there, I was needing to text somebody. I needed to talk to someone who wasnt with me. When I got there I started to feel like the weekend was going downhill, and I had to text someone how I was feeling. It took me a while to get over this notion of me not being able to talk to someone 'outside' this situation. It was a hard weekend because I did feel like I wasn't able to talk to anyone. Which kind of defeated the purpose of the weekend in which your suppose to open up, learn more about each other and created bonds of friendships. I felt like I couldn't do that during this trip. Right from the beginning I was already seeing the signs of it not being a good weekend, and my fears becoming true. I was being put on the back burner per say, I was going to be...second, or actually third best. I mean that in terms of my closet friend talking to me, and being around me. It really felt, during the entire weekend that I was a nuisance to her. I could tell it was a hard weekend for her as well, I could pick up the clues here and there and I understand her well enough to know her silent clues, body language and whatnot. It was hard for me however because I value friendships and relationships so much.
I've always said it doesn't matter about quantity, but quality is what's important. I would be happy if I just had that one friend that I know I could call at 4am if something was up. I want that "best friend" in my life. So because of my strive to create friendships like that I often try my hardest to let my friends know how much I do care for them and how I'll always be there for them. I want to be the person they come to when they need help, or a shoulder to cry on. I want them to know that I'll be there for them at 4 in the morning if they ever need to talk.
I tried to do that this weekend with my friend, however I felt like there was no point in it because she acted like she didn't care I was there, or just simply ignored me. It seemed like she would just rather be anywhere but near me, like she needed her "time alone" but really she just wanted to be in someone else's company. I mean, its obvious I'm not the only person she has to talk to, or be around, because for the most part we had close friends around us all the time. However it really did feel like every time we we're together, she rather me not be around. I tried to be the good friend too and put my feelings aside and give her what she wanted, which was time alone with her, I guess significant other, which also happens to be one of my best friends, and closest...until they started this "relationship." Till this day I don't know if she knows exactly what happened between me and this guy, however I'm sure there are some idea's in her head. The point being though, was that I was afraid this weekend was going to be me ignored by my two closest friends, who we're sort of in a relationship with each other and seeing each other. Where in the end, to help one friendship, I had to succumb to my fear and accept that I was going to have to be on the outskirts. I had to let these two people go for the weekend and accept the fact they weren't going to be around me. It got pretty lonely this weekend. I wasn't even able to think about that notion just because I didn't want to reflect on that and feel depressed during the weekend. Instead I just felt physically sick and sleep deprived.
During the whole weekend I didn't really have time to sit back and think just because I didn't want to feel sad or depressed. So I was either not thinking and just going with the moment, or I was thinking how sick I felt and how I really needed sleep.
It wasn't till after leaving everyone that I started to break down in tears. I wasn't too emotional during the weekend, however as soon as I get back, tears started to flow. I don't have the energy to hold them back right now, and they are very easily able to escape my tear ducts and roll down my cheek.

I would want to right more but I'm sleep deprived and desperately needing to sleep. I can't think more about the weekend right now. I need my rest. In all sense of the word.

Before the craziness

I'm getting ready to spend a weekend with the people that have been causing me the emotional heartache for the past month or so. I'm going to be stuck...there's a negative atonement to that word, however it seems to work in this situation, anyway, I'm going to be stuck. I'm going to be stuck with a fairly large, yet intimate group of people up, far up in upstate New York. We'll be together all weekend with no cell phone service, no internet, and no televisions to distract us. Not only will I be around the people that has influenced and taken part in the reason why I've been in emotional distress these past few weeks, but I'll also be around people that like, or rather-have been train to have people open up and talk about their feelings and personal issues. Confused? I can see how people could be. Layman's term...I'm going away for a "retreat" type event this weekend, with no modern day technology to offer distractions, like cell phones and the internet. The group of people I'm going away with? A group of people that have voluntary joined a program with all the knowledge of what this program entails who are training to develop more communication and listening skills, counselors, more importantly peer type counselors. Breaking down a little bit more...the purpose of this getaway is to get to know everyone, all 60 odd people of the program, better. We're expected during this weekend to open up and learn more about each other, usually amongst smaller groups. Its a set weekend with "exercises" to get us all to open up with each other about our personal selves. So...I'm going to be dealing with this, and let me tell you, its an emotional heavy weekend. By the time Sunday rolls around your exhausted..partly because you've been sleep deprived from staying up, on your own basis, and because of how intense some sessions are. This is going to be my second trip up for this weekend event. I've had my first experience this past spring which is where I have draw upon.
If you asked me...in lets say, September, I was very excited about this trip. I wasn't looking or even thinking about the emotional strain I'll be in from the exercises. I was looking forward to spending time with the core group of friends i have made over the past year, whom i've been relatively spending the latter time around them, life revolving around them. They've been whom my life has been majority about, they we're, in my eyes my new best friends. I hate using the term "best friend," and even 'new best friend' just because of past experiences with "best friends." But really, at least for my own experiences in life, you can never know truly if you mean the same way to someone as they do to you. You can think this person in your life, whom you've gotten really close to is your best friend, however they can just think of you as a regular friend, an acquaintance, someone your close to now but won't be when you start to go your separate ways, and it won't matter much to them. The levels of the friendship can be unbalance...which is why i'm always hesitant to use the word best, in front of friend. I've learned this lesson from a young age.
This can all go hand in hand with what i'm about to go through this weekend. I'm going to be spending time with these friends of mine and i'm nervous about how this weekend will go about. A month ago or so, I expected this weekend to be full of awesome times with my two "best", or closest friends that i've had in a long..long time. And now, due to situations that have arise, I'm not so sure how good this time spent will be full of good memories or memories of me feeling like an outcast, ignored and simply out of place. Last time we all went away on this weekend, something magical happen. It's really when this friendship sort of sparked. It's when we really felt comfortable with each other and started to get to know each other. This was like the birth of our wonderful, awesome friendship. It seems like a kiddish word to be used in that context, awesome, but really, that was our word. The four of us used that word to describe just about everything that happened between us that weekend. And now, with the incoming of new people and the new, sort of difficult situations that have come about, i'm not sure the place i'm at now with these people. Lately I have been feeling like the out cast of the group, i've been placed on the out skirts. I never thought i would feel this way with these friends. This is how we all started to bond together and created our friendship...because we all felt incredibly comfortable with each other, more so than anyone else.
Now, I feel disconnected. Lately, with one of my friendships in particular has changed dramatically. Its also hard to explain because I felt what we had was such a special bond, that only the two of us would and could understand. It sucks that, that person would be the one i would go straight to talk to about this, and not blog it out. However because of the disconnection we have had for the past month or so, i no longer feel comfortable doing so. The unbalance-ment of friendship levels come into play in this because I no longer feel like we do have a balance friendship. I feel like I might have valued the friendship more, and want to stay connected and i'm sadden by the change and lost of it all. It doesn't seem like that way for the other person.

Kinda old school song lyrics today, also a little cheesy and poppy...but it helped. It gave me the push to post this post today. Gave me the nudge.

Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?

And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, I still miss you somehow

From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart

"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about

But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end

You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Making the decision and stop being stubborn

I'm having trouble finding lyrics today to express how I feel, but I can express my feelings without the lyrics.
I'm stubborn. I'll make the first move every now and then, however once I get tired of doing that, I wont budge, and I won't be the one making that move. Making the first move and being the one to step up works sometimes, you get the job done and its beneficial. However when I feel like I'm the only one making the effort, I would want the other person to make the effort as well, its going to be no doubt that I'll get tired making the first move. Is it not right for me to assume that the person who states that the relationship is something of substance and meaning to make the effort as well to keep it like that? Or is it usual for that person to drop the relationship at a drop of the hat and not make the effort...because that's the type of person they are.
It's confusing and tiring to keep my composure lately. To be nonchalant and act as though I'm not affected by the lack of communication we now have or better said, lack of friendship, lack of substance. It's hard to go back and forth of whether just dropping the friendship, and acting as you are by just being acquaintances which is how it seems nowadays, or by putting in the effort that you are obviously not doing to hold on. Is the even a point anymore? Am I looking to much into this all? I'm doubting it, because there's a definite shift in our relationship. I can't be the only one that notices. I guess I can be the only one that cares though.

First Post

I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now. An outlet for myself, something for me to express myself, get my feelings out into the universe. I'm the type of person to keep things to myself most of time but I'm always trying to find a way to somehow get my messages across. There's time where you just want to keep your feelings to yourself, but you know its better to get things out. That's where I'm at. There's the options of 'updating' my 'facebook status' of course, or even resorting to Twitter. However, don't you wish sometimes that you just want to say what's on your mind, but somehow decode it in a way? So the person your trying to get the message out to, doesn't exactly know that you're talking about them, that your 'facebook status' is just a general thing? This all may sound confusing, me wanting to get my message out to a specific person, but not really wanting that person to realize it. Well, maybe I just wish that person would figure it out themselves.
Lately i've been dealing with friends, boys, and all the in between. Dynamics in my once thought 'tight-knit' group have been thrown into a loop and things have become somewhat disheveled. It seems like, to me, that i've lost one of my best friends, and I can't turn to my other best friend because shes involved. It's all been one big Dawson's Creek-like debacle. Which in-turns to the reason of going ahead and starting my blog.
Sometimes you wish you can write down exactly what you want to say, but you find that words have failed you. You can't adequately say what you want to say, you can't express what you're really feeling. Then, you find a song, listen to the lyrics, then Bam, the artist singing has just sung the words that you are feeling at that exact time. It's like this song was a song you would have wrote, if you could write songs. This artist is speaking to you, knowing exactly how you felt at this moment. I'm sure it has happen to everyone in the world at least once. That's why people love music, and relate to artists and have favorite musicians. There has definitely been times where a song comes on the radio, whether it's Ne-yo or Kelly Clarkson, the lyrics get you. That's why songs get stuck in your head, or why girls tend to blast some Kelly Clarkson when they're going through a rough patch. I've done it before, Kelly Clarkson got me through a lot of stuff a couple years back. Now, lately its been Taylor Swift. I'm sure some people roll their eyes when that name gets mention, hell I've done it too. Ask me just a few weeks ago and I'll scoff at the name Taylor Swift, but I do have to give her credit now. As cheesy as her lyrics can be, or how sugar candy sweet she appears to be, when your down because your having boy troubles, this girl can help make you feel better. She did for me. The lyrics in her songs, yes plural, have had such an affect on me that I created this blog! As cheesy as it is to say that I can relate to the lyrics in her song, I can. It's a universal girl thing. So heres a few lyrics from some Taylor Swift songs that can describe the position I'm in now.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
(Died for you)

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

-Cold As You, Taylor Swift