So...I'm back from my weekend away.
I thought it was going to be an emotional weekend, i just never thought the emotions would hit me hard AFTER the weekend was relatively over.
As I mentioned in my previous post I thought this weekend could either go one of two ways, either a great/good weekend, or a weekend that wasn't going to be fun at all...and i was right. This weekend was a hard one, emotionally, physically and just mentally.
Nowadays everyone uses technology, whether its just the simple fact of watching television or having a blackberry and constantly checking emails or texting. This was a weekend where I, as well as the others who went on this trip, were able to get away from all of that. There was the home land line, as well as a computer, but really everyone that went up on this trip, for the most part at least, stayed away from all of that and tried to enjoy the "quiet" weekend, without all that outside world affecting them.
I wouldnt think this would affect me so much, not being able to text, however as soon as I got there, I was needing to text somebody. I needed to talk to someone who wasnt with me. When I got there I started to feel like the weekend was going downhill, and I had to text someone how I was feeling. It took me a while to get over this notion of me not being able to talk to someone 'outside' this situation. It was a hard weekend because I did feel like I wasn't able to talk to anyone. Which kind of defeated the purpose of the weekend in which your suppose to open up, learn more about each other and created bonds of friendships. I felt like I couldn't do that during this trip. Right from the beginning I was already seeing the signs of it not being a good weekend, and my fears becoming true. I was being put on the back burner per say, I was going to be...second, or actually third best. I mean that in terms of my closet friend talking to me, and being around me. It really felt, during the entire weekend that I was a nuisance to her. I could tell it was a hard weekend for her as well, I could pick up the clues here and there and I understand her well enough to know her silent clues, body language and whatnot. It was hard for me however because I value friendships and relationships so much.
I've always said it doesn't matter about quantity, but quality is what's important. I would be happy if I just had that one friend that I know I could call at 4am if something was up. I want that "best friend" in my life. So because of my strive to create friendships like that I often try my hardest to let my friends know how much I do care for them and how I'll always be there for them. I want to be the person they come to when they need help, or a shoulder to cry on. I want them to know that I'll be there for them at 4 in the morning if they ever need to talk.
I tried to do that this weekend with my friend, however I felt like there was no point in it because she acted like she didn't care I was there, or just simply ignored me. It seemed like she would just rather be anywhere but near me, like she needed her "time alone" but really she just wanted to be in someone else's company. I mean, its obvious I'm not the only person she has to talk to, or be around, because for the most part we had close friends around us all the time. However it really did feel like every time we we're together, she rather me not be around. I tried to be the good friend too and put my feelings aside and give her what she wanted, which was time alone with her, I guess significant other, which also happens to be one of my best friends, and closest...until they started this "relationship." Till this day I don't know if she knows exactly what happened between me and this guy, however I'm sure there are some idea's in her head. The point being though, was that I was afraid this weekend was going to be me ignored by my two closest friends, who we're sort of in a relationship with each other and seeing each other. Where in the end, to help one friendship, I had to succumb to my fear and accept that I was going to have to be on the outskirts. I had to let these two people go for the weekend and accept the fact they weren't going to be around me. It got pretty lonely this weekend. I wasn't even able to think about that notion just because I didn't want to reflect on that and feel depressed during the weekend. Instead I just felt physically sick and sleep deprived.
During the whole weekend I didn't really have time to sit back and think just because I didn't want to feel sad or depressed. So I was either not thinking and just going with the moment, or I was thinking how sick I felt and how I really needed sleep.
It wasn't till after leaving everyone that I started to break down in tears. I wasn't too emotional during the weekend, however as soon as I get back, tears started to flow. I don't have the energy to hold them back right now, and they are very easily able to escape my tear ducts and roll down my cheek.
I would want to right more but I'm sleep deprived and desperately needing to sleep. I can't think more about the weekend right now. I need my rest. In all sense of the word.
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