I'm getting ready to spend a weekend with the people that have been causing me the emotional heartache for the past month or so. I'm going to be stuck...there's a negative atonement to that word, however it seems to work in this situation, anyway, I'm going to be stuck. I'm going to be stuck with a fairly large, yet intimate group of people up, far up in upstate New York. We'll be together all weekend with no cell phone service, no internet, and no televisions to distract us. Not only will I be around the people that has influenced and taken part in the reason why I've been in emotional distress these past few weeks, but I'll also be around people that like, or rather-have been train to have people open up and talk about their feelings and personal issues. Confused? I can see how people could be. Layman's term...I'm going away for a "retreat" type event this weekend, with no modern day technology to offer distractions, like cell phones and the internet. The group of people I'm going away with? A group of people that have voluntary joined a program with all the knowledge of what this program entails who are training to develop more communication and listening skills, counselors, more importantly peer type counselors. Breaking down a little bit more...the purpose of this getaway is to get to know everyone, all 60 odd people of the program, better. We're expected during this weekend to open up and learn more about each other, usually amongst smaller groups. Its a set weekend with "exercises" to get us all to open up with each other about our personal selves. So...I'm going to be dealing with this, and let me tell you, its an emotional heavy weekend. By the time Sunday rolls around your exhausted..partly because you've been sleep deprived from staying up, on your own basis, and because of how intense some sessions are. This is going to be my second trip up for this weekend event. I've had my first experience this past spring which is where I have draw upon.
If you asked me...in lets say, September, I was very excited about this trip. I wasn't looking or even thinking about the emotional strain I'll be in from the exercises. I was looking forward to spending time with the core group of friends i have made over the past year, whom i've been relatively spending the latter time around them, life revolving around them. They've been whom my life has been majority about, they we're, in my eyes my new best friends. I hate using the term "best friend," and even 'new best friend' just because of past experiences with "best friends." But really, at least for my own experiences in life, you can never know truly if you mean the same way to someone as they do to you. You can think this person in your life, whom you've gotten really close to is your best friend, however they can just think of you as a regular friend, an acquaintance, someone your close to now but won't be when you start to go your separate ways, and it won't matter much to them. The levels of the friendship can be unbalance...which is why i'm always hesitant to use the word best, in front of friend. I've learned this lesson from a young age.
This can all go hand in hand with what i'm about to go through this weekend. I'm going to be spending time with these friends of mine and i'm nervous about how this weekend will go about. A month ago or so, I expected this weekend to be full of awesome times with my two "best", or closest friends that i've had in a long..long time. And now, due to situations that have arise, I'm not so sure how good this time spent will be full of good memories or memories of me feeling like an outcast, ignored and simply out of place. Last time we all went away on this weekend, something magical happen. It's really when this friendship sort of sparked. It's when we really felt comfortable with each other and started to get to know each other. This was like the birth of our wonderful, awesome friendship. It seems like a kiddish word to be used in that context, awesome, but really, that was our word. The four of us used that word to describe just about everything that happened between us that weekend. And now, with the incoming of new people and the new, sort of difficult situations that have come about, i'm not sure the place i'm at now with these people. Lately I have been feeling like the out cast of the group, i've been placed on the out skirts. I never thought i would feel this way with these friends. This is how we all started to bond together and created our friendship...because we all felt incredibly comfortable with each other, more so than anyone else.
Now, I feel disconnected. Lately, with one of my friendships in particular has changed dramatically. Its also hard to explain because I felt what we had was such a special bond, that only the two of us would and could understand. It sucks that, that person would be the one i would go straight to talk to about this, and not blog it out. However because of the disconnection we have had for the past month or so, i no longer feel comfortable doing so. The unbalance-ment of friendship levels come into play in this because I no longer feel like we do have a balance friendship. I feel like I might have valued the friendship more, and want to stay connected and i'm sadden by the change and lost of it all. It doesn't seem like that way for the other person.
Kinda old school song lyrics today, also a little cheesy and poppy...but it helped. It gave me the push to post this post today. Gave me the nudge.
Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?
And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, I still miss you somehow
From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart
"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about
But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end
You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here
"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
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