Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
-Love Song For No One, John Mayer
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
quote and lyrics.
So, I haven't used lyrics to express my emotions or thoughts lately and this post will break that streak. It'll also include a quote to start it off.
"When a person sets a thing in motion, there's a feeling of unease, almost regret, until you learn the truth." -Nicolas Sparks, Dear John
When I read that quote I identified with it immediately. As well as this song.
I see your shadow even when your not standing there
I feel you when I close my eyes
I've been through it all,
And made it out alive
It's only just a matter of time
I won't be (hopeless)
I was so (devoted)
Pieces will come together
I was so (blinded)
My heart is flat(lining)
And I promise you baby that..
I've tried but I can't try no more
And I cry but I can't cry no more
And I try but I can't try no more
And I've cry but I can't cry no more
It's just so impossible going
on without you
on without you
no I can't
It's impossible going on without you
On without you, I know I can't
I hear your walking through the halls
and I know your not home
The thought of you has always remained
I wonder if I call would you pick up the phone
and tell me that you're feeling the same
There's nothing left (in me)
My tank is on (empty)
the pieces will come together
I tell myself(why me)
If I'm wrong(why me)
I'm not giving up baby but
I got an empty bed on my right side
I'm missing you now for a lifetime
I tell myself I'm fine
But I'm lying, I'm lying
And I promise you baby
that I've tried
-On Without Us, Backstreet Boys
I keep going back and forth, at least when I let myself think about this whole subject. I keep going back and forth between being brave, putting myself out there, or doing what seems to be the "right/good" thing and just forget it all. The has been too much pain already suffered to have some more caused. However...I keep thinking...wouldn't I still be suffering from pain if I have all these what if's in my head? This might be the last piece that keeps me holding on. If I say what I need to say, make on last attempt, then maybe finally I can move on. Or get hurt. Though I can say I tried and not think about what if I never tried. However as soon as I start thinking about going with this plan of being brave, I get that tight feeling in the chest of my heart constricting. Knowing, quite possibly I could get really hurt in the end of this. I don't think i'm prepared for that. not yet. So I guess I'm staying in limbo for a little while longer. I did write something a while back directly relating to this topic, which...i guess if i ever let people read this blog, it'll be good to have this passage here.
Do you remember the time where we could talk freely with each other? We told each other everything? We talked about our day, the things we went through, how we felt about things...we shared with each other. And now we hardly talk...scratch that. We don’t talk. at all. I would want to collect all the things I have written about you over the past few months and just give it to you to read. No words, no explanations, just a bunch of writings of how I felt for you to read and digest. Not sure what good it would do, or if it would do anything at all. Except I remember a time where I could have said anything to you and I wouldn’t feel like I had to hide something from you. I didn’t have to guard or filter what I said to you. I could be free. I could talk freely with you, be myself. I guess I wish I could do that one last time. Just let this all good once and for all. Otherwise I’ll just keep thinking, in the back of my head, what if. Then again, you have proven to me over and over again, that nothing I have done lately has changed anything between us. It’s just...not there anymore. And I can’t understand why. And I don’t have the strength anymore to try to understand or to even try to fix it. If theres anything left to fix anyway.
-April 3rd, 2010.
"When a person sets a thing in motion, there's a feeling of unease, almost regret, until you learn the truth." -Nicolas Sparks, Dear John
When I read that quote I identified with it immediately. As well as this song.
I see your shadow even when your not standing there
I feel you when I close my eyes
I've been through it all,
And made it out alive
It's only just a matter of time
I won't be (hopeless)
I was so (devoted)
Pieces will come together
I was so (blinded)
My heart is flat(lining)
And I promise you baby that..
I've tried but I can't try no more
And I cry but I can't cry no more
And I try but I can't try no more
And I've cry but I can't cry no more
It's just so impossible going
on without you
on without you
no I can't
It's impossible going on without you
On without you, I know I can't
I hear your walking through the halls
and I know your not home
The thought of you has always remained
I wonder if I call would you pick up the phone
and tell me that you're feeling the same
There's nothing left (in me)
My tank is on (empty)
the pieces will come together
I tell myself(why me)
If I'm wrong(why me)
I'm not giving up baby but
I got an empty bed on my right side
I'm missing you now for a lifetime
I tell myself I'm fine
But I'm lying, I'm lying
And I promise you baby
that I've tried
-On Without Us, Backstreet Boys
I keep going back and forth, at least when I let myself think about this whole subject. I keep going back and forth between being brave, putting myself out there, or doing what seems to be the "right/good" thing and just forget it all. The has been too much pain already suffered to have some more caused. However...I keep thinking...wouldn't I still be suffering from pain if I have all these what if's in my head? This might be the last piece that keeps me holding on. If I say what I need to say, make on last attempt, then maybe finally I can move on. Or get hurt. Though I can say I tried and not think about what if I never tried. However as soon as I start thinking about going with this plan of being brave, I get that tight feeling in the chest of my heart constricting. Knowing, quite possibly I could get really hurt in the end of this. I don't think i'm prepared for that. not yet. So I guess I'm staying in limbo for a little while longer. I did write something a while back directly relating to this topic, which...i guess if i ever let people read this blog, it'll be good to have this passage here.
Do you remember the time where we could talk freely with each other? We told each other everything? We talked about our day, the things we went through, how we felt about things...we shared with each other. And now we hardly talk...scratch that. We don’t talk. at all. I would want to collect all the things I have written about you over the past few months and just give it to you to read. No words, no explanations, just a bunch of writings of how I felt for you to read and digest. Not sure what good it would do, or if it would do anything at all. Except I remember a time where I could have said anything to you and I wouldn’t feel like I had to hide something from you. I didn’t have to guard or filter what I said to you. I could be free. I could talk freely with you, be myself. I guess I wish I could do that one last time. Just let this all good once and for all. Otherwise I’ll just keep thinking, in the back of my head, what if. Then again, you have proven to me over and over again, that nothing I have done lately has changed anything between us. It’s just...not there anymore. And I can’t understand why. And I don’t have the strength anymore to try to understand or to even try to fix it. If theres anything left to fix anyway.
-April 3rd, 2010.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
best friend
A realization came into my head as I got home from spending the day out with my cousin and her best friend...all I've really ever wanted in life was a best friend. I've always just wanted someone in my life I could call my best friend. Just one friend I could turn to whenever I needed something. Someone who I was so close with and I could spend the whole day with and not get sick of them. They would be the person I could be myself with. They would accept me and my flaws and love me for me. I'm not near the end of my life and I'm sure I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, however it seems like...for the most part, that is what I've been searching for. I've long for this friend. This one person I could count on to be there for me, and vice versa.
I envy my younger cousin most of the time. Not only does she have an older sister but she has a best friend that is essentially her twin. Watching all these chick flicks that I do as well as the numerous family centered television/movies I've always wanted an older sister to look up too. I have an older brother, but its different...and we have a different relationship then most.
I was a tomboy when I was younger and even now, I'm not the "girly-est-girl" out there. I was a late bloomer. I didn't really get into make-up/shoes/clothes, etc...the stereotypical "girly" things until later in life, well after my peers did. Anyway, I just always wish I could have had an older sister sometimes...to help me out with the girly stuff. Someone I could ask questions to, get advice from...and all that jazz. I guess that also comes into me wanting a "best" friend. I value the one-on-one connection you have with people. I like how each friendship or relationship isn't the same. Each has their flaws and special little aspects.
I just...I wish I had that connection with someone. Someone I could call my best friend. Where it would be a "balanced" friendship. Something like what my cousin has with her best friend. I want to find my twin.
I envy my younger cousin most of the time. Not only does she have an older sister but she has a best friend that is essentially her twin. Watching all these chick flicks that I do as well as the numerous family centered television/movies I've always wanted an older sister to look up too. I have an older brother, but its different...and we have a different relationship then most.
I was a tomboy when I was younger and even now, I'm not the "girly-est-girl" out there. I was a late bloomer. I didn't really get into make-up/shoes/clothes, etc...the stereotypical "girly" things until later in life, well after my peers did. Anyway, I just always wish I could have had an older sister sometimes...to help me out with the girly stuff. Someone I could ask questions to, get advice from...and all that jazz. I guess that also comes into me wanting a "best" friend. I value the one-on-one connection you have with people. I like how each friendship or relationship isn't the same. Each has their flaws and special little aspects.
I just...I wish I had that connection with someone. Someone I could call my best friend. Where it would be a "balanced" friendship. Something like what my cousin has with her best friend. I want to find my twin.
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