I'm not feeling particularly articulate today, but I am feeling a bit antsy, and that I need to be doing something. The nap in the middle of the afternoon might not have been the best idea, given that it was a thursday but whatever, guess I'm paying for it now when I'm wide awake with nothing to do. Well that's not true, I can find things to do, like work or read chapters for school, but..I'm not. I opted not do that. I thought about writing in my journal, because I haven't done that in a while. I thought about writing about jack and how I feeling/dealing with that whole situation, but I just couldn't find the motivation to physically write in my journal. Cop it up to laziness and sometimes its just fucking convient to type and quicker sometimes then physically writing it out. I guess better to get it out any which way then to not...then again I always like the idea of going back, flipping through actual pages in my journal and reading the words that crossed my mind in my own handwriting on sheets of papers. Again, I guess something is better than nothing, as this is right now. I am just getting something out. I mean I am in the profession of counseling and advocating that people should speak to someone about their feelings, thoughts, concerns, etc. to help better understand themselves/whats going on for them. I need to do this. I really do need to talk to someone I don't know, a professional. I need to feel how it is on the other sider of the room and this is something that is strongly suggested amongst everyone in my field. As I mentioned before I believe this could be a huge benefit for me. I know I have a lot of things I need to work on and things that have affected me. I've said plenty of times, and I've even made excuses for myself in that I forget a lot of things, or sometimes I come off as not caring because I am not processing everything that is happening to me at the moment. I am not fully focusing on things that are happening to me, as much as I might consciously try but unconsciously I might also be building up this wall and blocking the negative feelings. Such as the feelings of feeling rejected, hurt, anger, sadness, etc. I sometimes block out these emotions, consciously avoid thinking about things that cause me pain, and sometimes this happens unconsciously too im sure. And how this has affected me? I mean I believe I can pinpoint a few things.
I guess whats going on presently on most on the surface is how I am dealing with jack being back in my life and my whole "dating" situation. From the start of the fall semester/first semester of graduate school I was very much focused on what I had going on, school, internship and work. Those three things took up all of my time and I was happy/satisfied with that, for the most part. I still missed having that person in my life, like jack was before but right now, for the life of me, I can't remember or can't place why I felt those feelings. I can revert myself back to that place. Which may be because I am a different person than who I was then, which I like to think I was or that I'm just trying not to get hurt again, which again, I also think is logical because I did end up getting hurt before but maybe something unconscious is happening as well. I mean there has to be a reason I am holding on to him now even though I have not been fully into it and finding myself getting annoyed at him/picking fights. It says something when I don't mind being alone or maybe I've just developed a comfort to that. But it can also be that I just dont have the fucking time to devote another part of me to something else. I'm already split into threes, I don't think I can handle a fourth? And why do that when I dont even know I want a forth? But what keeps me from letting go completely and me holding on? I like the idea of having someone or knowing that he'll be there for me if i needed him and maybe I secretly enjoy that this time around he has more feelings for me than I do him. Its like I have the power in this, and you know what, I probably do. So maybe I like holding onto that. Maybe I also just like having someone there physically. I do enjoy kissing quite a bit, I just wish I felt that same spark I felt for him last time around. Hell I wish I felt something strong for anyone right now.
What I really want now in life is to be able to enjoy it, go out, have nice dinners with my friends and just be able to connect with people on an intellectual level. I want to have conversations with people that I enjoy and maybe even challenge me. Nothing is better, I think at this point in time then to have a conversation that can just keep going. I don't have to fight to find a subject to talk about and that I can talk freely, without any hesitation and just fucking enjoy it. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends and not have to filter anything and feel like I'm talking about something of importance or substance. I want to be able to do something I enjoy and have some fucking fun. Not only to go out and have drinks and do that whole bit but also I don't know, have fucking conversations. That's what I'm finding to be the most important to me right now.
I guess this post is also all over the place, but then again that is also where my head is at today/right now. I guess I feel like when I do write in these things, in any way shape or form, something huge needs to be happening and there's a conflict or something in my life. But I know, I should just write whenever I have a free chance, even when there is "nothing" bad going on or whatever. Problem with being not only a psych major but a counseling student/prospective counselor in the future, psychoanalysis is bound to happen all the damn time. I much more self-aware that most, I would say, which can be a good thing but also deadly in that I'm always reading into everything/coming up with answers on why I am feeling this way/doing this that and the other thing. For example I should probably process what happened today in the case conference session in which I presented and receive feedback, but i dont think I want to. Well I know I don't want to, I dont feel the need to re-hash everything and again, I know I am lying to myself/making excuses but maybe I didn't really process everything that was going on in that room. Or I can talk about how I felt which I felt to a degree I was being interrogated, that might not be the best word but whatever, my minds fuzzy. But obviously I was placed on the hot seat, it was also 9am and my mind wasn't as sharp then then it would be lets say at 12pm and after a good cup of coffee. Anyway, it felt like it wasn't like a regular case conference, at least not like the other two I could compare it too that was on the same levels with the interns. It felt more like they were telling me more on what I did/didn't do and what it sounded like to them rather than just a discussion about the case, which was what I was aiming for, which happened eventually but I don't know. I guess what happened happened. Again, don't want to feel the pain or whatever negative feeling that might be associated with that so I would like to move on...at least for now. But I also find just typing out, blasting some music is being therapeutic for me. Or at least I'm just fucking enjoying doing something, typing, and just getting whatever the fuck out. Also random note that I felt like what the hell might as well get it out because none of this has been filtered tonight, is that I wanted to eat flan earlier, and thought to eat it later in the night, but didn't and now not craving it. Save that for tomorrow. Which speaking of tomorrow, I feel like I'm gonna have to see jack, which...I feel will probably end up how it has with us going to eat or just going to his house and "hanging" out. Which I am bored with, I want to do something else. It feels fucking boring just watching fucking videos on his bed which eventually will lead to more, and at this point, there's not much stopping us from sleeping with each other. I mean he said he's "comfortable with me now" whatever the hell that means, its just up to me at this point I guess. Which I dont know I have to sort out how I feel about that and see if I am ready to do that. I mean I use to say I was, and wanted to just jump his bones and sometimes parts of me wants to follow through on that, but there's also a pull on me saying, but you don't really have a lot of feelings for him, at least not like you did. So do you really want to settle? I guess if you can call it that. I don't know. But I'm done for tonight.
