Tried

You know today, i just really wanted some peace and quiet. I stayed away from communication with most people. I just didn't feel up to it today to talk with anyone...but you. i was hoping you would text me, or reach out to me in some way. You would have been the person to make me feel better, or the one I wanted to make me feel better. But instead I chose to just not talk, not reach out to anyone. I felt like i needed to do that for myself. I'm also reeling from a birthday debacle that hurt me in some ways. I'll post the entry I wrote about that day in another post. But sometimes I do feel like I need to go into a shell, just to gain perspective, or just to have some quiet and think. And the thoughts I came up with today? I never got stressed before about these friendships i've made. I never over-analyzed at least not to the point were it kept me up all night and it was all i thought about. You know, I just, i never gave too much thought about me and you. I always thought we were just friends, great friends. I never once felt like it could be something more. Once light was shed that you might have felt differently I told myself, still...dont think it could be something more. Don't think too much into this revelation just so I wouldn't get hurt. I wouldn't be left after you were gone, thinking about you and having these feelings for you. And...on the flip side of everything, it still turned out this way. But it just boggles my mind because at the start of all this and the majority of our friendship, thats all that I thought about it. We were just really good friends. My own insecurities about not wanting to bother you or fearing i talked to much with you was never an issue before. But its different now and these insecurities became present. Along with these insecurities came feelings and me constantly thinking about you and our situation. Oh how i just wish I could say all this to you and figure some sort of stable ground. Or really just decided whether this can become something more or we just forget it all together. Someone said to me the other day that this friendship has already changed so either go forth or just forget about it all because it wasn't worth it, and if you didn't feel the same way, then it definitely isn't worth it.

Linger

I heard a song today that just reinstated why I started this blog in the first place. I looked up the lyrics and they fit so perfectly on whats been going on in my life lately. Here it is.

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure i'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
And i swore, i swore i would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But i'm in so deep
You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, i thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But i was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And i wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And i'm in so deep
You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger


You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

-Linger, Cranberries
(I heard the Kelly Clarkson cover of this song by the way)

back to back posts- 2 parts

Part 1-My Thoughts
My thoughts have been racing lately. My sleeping schedule has been thrown off and a shitload of thoughts have infiltrated my head. I feel like i'm going to have to start carrying a notebook and pen around me at all times just so i can jot down all the random thoughts i have in my head. The ones that I at least wanna write down and save in an important place. I've had so many thoughts pass through my head that I've wanted to save and remember to either write down in a notebook or to put into a post on this blog. It sucks because I have such bad short term memory, and i put the blame on the fact that i've become so good at repressing thoughts that even good thoughts get repressed now. They get so easily forgotten and lost in this brain of mine that its really hard to get them back. I've had to come to the conclusion of wanting to carrying a pen and paper around with me at all times. That or to somehow finally release all the thoughts and memories i've repressed over the years to help create the space in my head to actually hold onto short term memories. I believe the only way of truly helping myself in the long run would be to go to a therapist and actually talk to someone about it. However I can't right now but I am counting this as my first step. This is helping me get my thoughts out.
Last night at around 4am i couldn't fall asleep. I had so many thoughts running around in my head that needed to escape or else. I needed to tell someone something, to get something out of my head. I ended up sending a message to the one person I could think of that I would feel comfortable doing that too. This is the one person in my life at this point in time that I could truly talk to and really, really understand me. I feel like people say that all the time, but I think I really did find the person I could count on forever and always. At least I hope so. It feels that way to me now. So I sent the message...tried to go to sleep afterwards and still could not. Thats when I got the nearest thing that I could "write" my feelings down which was the notepad on my ipod. After I wrote a little I sent it to my email and was finally able to fall asleep.

Part 2-Love
You know, my definition of love has been relatively constant from the time that I fully started to understand the concept. When I was little I never knew what that word meant, in fact I can't even remember coming across that word when I was little. Maybe during valentine's day, or making cards for my parents on Mother's or Father's day. However it was always just to put Love, my name. I didn't come from a household that expressed their love, at least not literally. As I got older and started to develop more ideological thinking and such, the word started to get some meaning. For a good portion of my life I would never say the words I Love You, or use the word love to express something. I didn't throw the word around lightly, or better yet, I didn't really throw the word around at all. I would hear my friends tell their friends how much they loved them, or see my friends who were in relationships say that they loved their boyfriend or girlfriend. I could never do that.
I started to grow up with the concept of love that was built on what was portrayed on television and in the movies. I got swooped up in that fairy tale love that is shown and what everyone wants. I heard, just recently that anyone can write a romance novel. You just need two characters who have to overcome this great obstacle and one has to sacrifice themselves for the other and of course the ending has to be a happily ever after. At least the good happy stories. This is what's portray to girls, this is how people start to believe how love is, when in reality...its not. Love is not always perfect. I know that now, as I've grown up, however I would be lying if I didn't still wish and secretly hope I do have a fairy tale love and a happily ever after. Back to the reason I could never use the word love was because I always felt love meant almost complete devotion to someone. I felt like you truly loved someone when you would give up anything and everything for them. I felt like if you were willing to sacrifice yourself for this person that you loved them. And I never felt that way towards anyone...until now.
I've found someone who I can be completely and 100% honest with. I can be myself around this person and its totally fine. We're on the same page and feel the same way about things. Of course we're not twins and think the same about everything but I'm okay with that. Sure there are things that bother me about this person and some things I dont necessarily understand, however for the most part, we get each other. There are times where I have doubt about his feelings towards me, but who doesn't? I believe thats human nature to have some ounce of self esteem issues. But this person is someone that I can't stop thinking about. He's on my mind everyday and I've never felt like this before. However life's not perfect and my life is no different.
Circumstances have come up where this person and I are not together. In fact I've never really truly told him how I felt. Then again, for the most part I've just recently come to this revelation of what I wrote up there. It isn't unknown to the both of us however that we have feelings for each other. We just see some many obstacles in our way for us to be together that we can't really look past them. He doesn't want to hurt me and we both don't want our friendship to be ruined. I can't speak for him, though I think its also true on his behalf, but I don't think I could stand it if he weren't in my life. I just, there's just so many hardships we would have to get past to even try this out. A part of me wants to just go for it and try it. This is my first time feeling like this and i don't know when this will ever happen to me again. The other part of me just can't see or get over the fact that there are things standing in our way. I believe the majority of his reasoning for not wanting to give this a try is because he doesn't want to hurt me, which he has said time and time again. Believe you me, I don't want to be hurt by him also but it is a two way street. There are two people, for the most part, involved in this. I want to give this a try, I have hope that this could work and be something special. I believe in the fact that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. It's only a mistake if you didn't learn from it.
This has been on my mind these past couple of days and I fear its only gonna get stronger until I sort this out and figure out exactly what i want to do.

Not to long

I created this blog as my outlet. I don't want the time between posts to drag on because knowing me? i'll just stop posting all together. It's been a couple of hectic days since my last post. My mind has been all over the place. I can't even remember or pinpoint my past few emotional days just because i'm so use to repressing them. But lets see, i had my string of finals to take, my birthday in the midst of that, as well as my best....? good friends 21st birthday. I feel like using the expression best friend is a contradiction to one of my earlier posts, but i really do feel like shes becoming one of my best friends. And i may be shooting myself in the foot right now and regretting say that later, but as of right now, thats how i feel. So also between all that I got into a terrible fight with my mom, once again, which ended up with us not talking for days and her not talking to me on my birthday. Not even wishing me a happy birthday. Thanks mom...i'll always remember my XX birthday as the one where you didnt even wish me a happy birthday. Though thats not much different from the rest of my birthdays, they usually just suck all together anyway. But enough about that for now.

I finally got to go out last night for my friends 21st birthday. I was hesitant to go, and even planning on backing out. However it turned out to be a good night. I had fun. Ah, dont know how else to put my mind out, and cant find lyrics. This is a time crunch post, just wanted to put in a little something before i go on and stop posting all together. Come back to post, when i can.

Song for yesterday!

Just found the perfect song for yesterdays post from one of my favorite blogs-Jill and Kate's Blog. They post songs every 17th day of the month and this song is from November. This was a new song which they really didnt finish yet, but i for cannot wait to hear the rest of it because already they got me captivated. Here's the video for the song:

lyrics:

I miss you so
And you’ll never know
I’m too afraid to try to show you love
To give it up
To let you know I might
Care a little
Care a lot
Have a place for you in this big ol’ heart of mine
I hide it well
And maybe you’ll never see
But you’ve got me
Do you still remember me
Your long lost friend you used to need
I’m still hoping that you might
Find a way back
And if you ever think of me
I hope you know it’ll never be
Too late for you to make your way back

-Unfinished Song, Jill and Kate

Funny Some Things

Its funny, I can be upset for days, weeks, even months at a time because of you. One good day with you and i feel great. Happy. Just in a better mood. I honestly don't know why you have such an effect on me but you do. You really can make my mood either really great or just make my day suck. I honestly don't know what to do about it? How come you can do this? What hold do you have over me? I don't understand it. And there's a part of me that hates that you have this hold over me. That you can affect me this much and you know what? You probably have no idea.

Two songs...

Two songs can sum it up today...

Once upon a time
i believe it was a tuesday when i caught your eye
and we caught onto something
i hold onto the night
you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me

were you just kidding?
cause it seems to me
this thing is breaking down we almost never speak
i don't feel welcome anymore
baby what happened, please tell me
cause one second it was perfect now you're halfway out the door

and i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when he said forever and always
oh, and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause i was there when you said forever and always

was i out of line?
did i say something way too honest, made you run and hide
like a scared little boy
i looked into your eyes
thought i knew you for a minute, now i'm not so sure
so here's to everything coming down to nothing
here's to silence
that cuts me to the core
where is this going?
thought i knew for a minute, but i don't anymore

and i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when he said forever and always
oh, and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause i was there when you said forever and always
you didn't mean it baby
i don't think so

back up, baby, back up
did you forget everything?
back up, baby, back up
did you forget everything?

cause it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause i was there when you said forever and always

oh i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when we said forever and always
and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause I was there when you said forever and always
didn't mean it baby
you said forever and always yeah

Forever & Always - Taylor Swift


We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and
easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here somehow
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every Rose Has its Thorn- Poison

Grain of Salt

This post is mostly dedicated to you. I'm hoping one day I'll be able to share this with you.

I got hit with a wave of nostalgia and the urge to look into the past. After just reading, thinking and remembering about the people we were in the past, it lead me to right this post. Its making me think, and miss about how our relationship use to be. I use to be able to trust you completely. I felt like I could talk to you so openly and honestly. You've been the one person, in a long time, if ever, that I could just be myself around. I didn't have to filter what I wanted to say. I never had to guard myself around you. I just felt so comfortable and myself around you. I loved that feeling. You made me happier then I ever felt in a really long time. I found my one friend I needed all my life to just be there for me. The person I could count on to listen to me and just be around who wouldn't get sick of me. I never had to take whatever you said with a grain of salt. I trusted the words you would say to me and never thought too much on how this could be a lie. I can't say the same now though. I've come to realize that I have lost my trust in you. You hurt me a lot with the actions you've done. I tried to kid myself and lessen this hurt so we could end up being okay and back to ourselves. However I can't do that anymore. We aren't the same. I'm different. You're different. This may all stem from the fact that I feel the distant I've felt for the past month come up again. I thought we got past all that, but apparently not. Before, this distant feeling would never even come up. I would never feel this way with you before. Ever since you've hurt me though I've had these feelings come up. My view of you has changed. I never thought you would hurt me the way you did. And the best part is that I tried my hardest on not getting hurt. As things were going down I was telling myself, don't think too much on this subject, don't get hurt. Keep the guard you've had up for the past couple of years up because you don't want to get hurt again. Then there was a part of me thinking you could never hurt me, I trusted you not to. I thought our special relationship could survive it and we'll be okay. So my guard went down a little. I started to really feel and let go. And as soon as I did, I got hurt. You hurt me. I told you after everything was done with, and you started to reach out to me again that I was okay with it all. That I understood what you did, because I just wanted to be friends with you again. I just wanted our friendship and relationship back. I wanted that guy who I could be totally honest and myself with because I was deprived of that for a long time. I had to be around you for about a month, maybe 2 months and had to suffer with the fact that you really weren't that guy for me anymore. You weren't there when I needed you the most, and it was your choice! It was your actions that made this happen! But after all was said and done, I told you it was okay. I understood why you made the choices you did. I never mentioned just how much it hurt me though, or at least I didn't tell you just to what extent it hurt me. I didn't want you to know how much it hurt me because really, I just wanted my friend back. I wanted to go back towards the comfort we had. And I felt like we did...for about 2 seconds. I just can't help that in the back of my head I have this feeling of hurt with me. I have thoughts about how I'm not sure whether I can fully trust the words your saying to me. Its hurting me now because before, I felt like I could have this conversation with you, and it wouldn't push you away. Because you've already been pushed away, in a sense, I feel like I can't bring up this subject to you. I can't have this conversation with you because I am afraid of what you'll say. I never felt like this before. Its also the fact that I do feel that because we had that period of time of us being distant with each other, its happening more so now then before. It just sucks. Plain and simple. I hate that you hurt me. I hate that I felt like I lost you when I did. I hate the fact that I feel like im still losing you and that we lost the friendship we had. We had a conversation before saying that we both felt like we had this strong, awesome bond with each other. That we could openly tell each other anything and the other would understand completely. You told me before that I was one of the few people that you could talk too. Now I feel like that could have all been lies. YOU told me that you wanted me in your life for YEARS! YOU said I meant something to you! That I was important to you! You would hate it if you lost me in your life! That You wanted me in your life in some way all the time! Was that just lies?? I want to believe it wasnt. I really really do, because I felt the same way. I valued our friendship so much. You were very much an important figure in my life! Other people in my life could see the difference in me after I met you! They saw how happy I was and it was because I finally found someone I could be 100% myself with. That was you! I really can't help but feel like you didn't mean all the words to me. I just feel like if that were the case, if everything you said we're true, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I can't help but feel selfish for even saying that as well. Maybe I'm looking too much into this, however its really how I feel. It is me? Do I just put too much into something? Should I just relax and go with the flow? Argh. Past friendships and those that have been lost have made me feel these conflicting feelings. I don't want to lose this friendship. I was too serious with some past relationships, I put too much importance on them. I valued them too much I guess and that ended up with me losing those friendships because of that. So I could learn from those friendships that I've lost and just chill out with this one and not think about it. However on the other side of it, all friendships are different, I should learn from my mistakes, but this might not be the same. I don't know. I'm just hurting. I don't know what to do. I just want to take a step back and just forget it all. Go with the flow. However will I lose you because of that? Because I feel like there's a chance I will, especially if all you said was a lie. Therefore now, I feel like I have to take things you say with a grain of salt. I always say that if someone screws me over, then I'm done with them. I don't need them in my life. I should be strong and independent. I feel like I should be kicking myself for still wanting you in my life after the things you did to me. But I'm not, and I'm still wanting to have a friendship with you. I can't help it. But will this all just bite me in the ass later? Guess if it does, I'll grow from it again, like I have in the past. I never thought this would is what I would be thinking about with you. I wanna go back to September.

Down. Down. Down.

I'm having one of those down in the dump days. I can't pinpoint exactly what's got me so down, I just know, a lot of things are. It sucks too because today started out to be a pretty decent day. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. The day still had the potential to be good, until later on. I've had a quote stuck in my head lately about being sad and just in a bad mood.
"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember the time of your life when it wasn't. But one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it's so unfamiliar and in that moment you realize, you're happy."

Today's one of those days where the pain is just there. I've worked hard on trying to block this feeling out, trying not to feel bad, not to have this pain inside me. The energy I usually have to not think about this pain is gone for the moment. I'm having trouble not feeling like shit and feeling crappy about everything I see.

I tried getting my feelings across by updating my facebook status-guarenteeing someone would see it. Hoping maybe someone in my life would take notice, say something. However when I was trying to think of the words to say, it all sounded too...sad, too depressing to put up there. I've made it, kinda like my mantra, that I'm very open about who I am. However it feels like I'm contradicting myself because I can't put what I want as my facebook status. I can't even believe that's what its come to in this day and age. I'm thinking about putting a 'facebook status.' I guess it sort of leans into me just wanting to talk to someone. I want to be distracted, I don't want to be feeling down like this. I want to talk to someone to help make me feel better, and for some reason, I can't find a person. Which in therefore leads to more pain and sadness. So im stuck saying, what can I do. Who can I turn to?
I use to have to just silence this pain and sadness. I didn't even have the possibility back then to even think about reaching out to someone. I had no names in mine who would listen to me and who I felt would make me feel better or help me. I can now though, but still, right now, I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like I can't call these people.
I've felt for the past couple of...days, maybe even weeks my friendships being very unbalanced. The values I've placed on my relationship with a friend is different then the values they put on it. Understandably I feel like I value the friendships more. I've had this theme of unbalance come across in many ways just over the course of these past few days, and I'm feeling a bit now. I guess I'm just tired and starting to be overcome with loneliness...which is starting to build the pain inside again. My quote-sometimes the pain you feel just starts to become you. You don't know how it is without this pain, nor do you have the tools to fix it. You get stuck. --I thought I could finish that quote with something inspiring but...I guess I can't today. I just feel stuck. and lonely. and just pain. I'm feeling down in the dumps.

The drops of rain they fall all over
This awkward silence makes me crazy
The glow inside burns light upon her
I'll try to kiss you if you let me
(this can't be the end)

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad

Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so

Your vows of silence fall all over
The look in your eyes makes me crazy
I feel the darkness break upon her
I'll take you over if you let me
(You did this)

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad.

Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
Down down down down
It gets me so

-Down, Blink 182