cherry on top

and just to be scolded by my father who just got home, saying "that's just how I am." really? Dad. Really? That's just how I am. You weren't there. I took a chance right now, to open up to you and basically kinda vent. But no...i'm left once again in tears. I'm upset and crying once again at this stupid problem that took place hours ago that i've been trying to forget...or maybe not so helpful, drink away that problem. Though...here I am, just crying again over it. It seems like a daily battle just keeping my emotions in check and not becoming "overly" involved, or making sure a "chord" doesn't get struck within me and the water works just happen. Because that has happend. I repress, or just don't get a chance to work out what is happening to me so it gets released during other times, almost uncontrollably so. Ugh.

I can only take so much

I'm sorry. A person can only take so much. Seriously. I know its coming closer and closer to the time where I really need to go speak to someone. Given that I am in the counseling field, I realize this. I can only take so much and I can only hold things in for so long before it starts to effect my life. I can already see signs that it is. Like honestly. My biggest issue or baggage or whatever you want to call it, qualm, in my life right now is my relationship with my mother. Seriously, and I am not making or adding anything into this but she LITERALLY yelled at me because I Raised my voice and yelled at my dog. I yelled at my dog because I was eating dinner and she was whining because she wanted some food from my plate. This was after it had taken me an hour in what normally takes me 20 minutes to get home from a full day of internship, work and school. And it was snowing, therefore the mta was slow as molasses. Which was essentially why I was annoyed/upset. And therefore, and admittedly wrongfully so taken out on an innocent bystander, my dog. However this proceeded to my mother coming down the stairs and getting upset that I yelled at the dog and pick a fight with me. And when I voiced that I didn't understand why she was getting mad and didn't understand why I was getting yelled it, it just escalated. It somehow turned into me getting into a fight with my mother because I was mad that she did not pick me up from school, though I repeatedly told her that was not the case. My voice proceeded to rise as I got more and more upset by just the nature that this somehow was escalated into a fucking full on fight with my mother once again. When not a month or so ago we got into another huge fight in which I basically stayed out of the house and avoided her like the plague for three days and did not talk to her for weeks. And for the life of me I can't remember what for, but I don't even want to think about that last fight because of this shit that happened today. Which honestly, was the stupidest shit in the entire world. I WAS MAD AT THE MTA. I WAS ANNOYED. JUST GENERALLY ANNOYED. NOT DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE! But apparently I was not allowed to be mad. As my mother said what's the point of getting mad? What was that going to do? I needed to control my anger. -Again her words to me. Oh and also I only yelled at my dog because I knew it would get HER upset and then we would get into a fight. Because I wanted that. Everyday I come and I WANT to pick a fight. When not TWO days ago I tried to fucking start a conversation, normal as much as I could muster, during dinner. And Had to POINT out to my mother I was trying to have a NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HER. Because her tone immediately showcased her annoyance that GOD FORBID I WAS ASKING A QUESTION. Like seriously. I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right in my house. I can't be who I am. I can't be mad. I can't be happy. I can't do anything. If i open my mouth or god forbid express my feelings I'm SHUNNED. or scolded because "it's wrong." Like today. Why should i need to be mad? What was the point? Can I NOT BE MAD? And when I try to explain myself, and honestly, say what was bothering me, it doesn't matter. My mother needs to have the last word. It's my fault. I can say sorry and everything, but it honestly doesn't matter. She was done with the conversation, said she could never talk to me because this happens. She doesn't want to talk to me because we get into a fight EVERY TIME. And left. And I TRIED. I Did, when i started to see this escalate into a fight, I tried to just stop. I apologized, said I was sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at the dog and proceeded to just continue to watch tv and eat my dinner but that didn't work. My mother stood in silence for about 2 minutes and then proceeded to start again. She couldn't let it go. She maybe couldn't admit she was wrong that she didn't have to yell at me but could NEVER EVER FUCKING admit that. She put it on me. She has NEVER NEVER said she was sorry FOR ANYTHING. It has always and will probably ALWAYS be my fault. Can you just imagine how that feels for me? This has been YEARS. This is how it has been and how I felt for years. I cut myself because of her. I have thought about killing myself because of her and these feelings. The thought crossed my head again today after this fight. Because it seems useless. I can change myself. But I can't change her. And what would be the point? I can become aware of my own stuff which I will do and try to work through it but...will it ever be enough? I already feel too stigmatized by her to ever feel like something would actually change. I can only hold onto these emotions for so long. It's not like I can express myself in my own home because my brother and father don't agree. They have just cough everything up to we can't get along. My relationship with my mother will always be bad, we should just not talk to each other. We CAN't talk to each other. This is the viewpoint of my brother and father. When I explained to my brother what happened his exact words was "You guys can't be alone in the house together." I'm sitting here writing this and tearing up and crying and holding in my tears because i don't know. What else can I do. Honestly. The amount of pain I feel almost seems indescribable. I know that's not the case, or there is someone out there that would understand but right now...it just hurts. It really just hurts.