quote and lyrics.

So, I haven't used lyrics to express my emotions or thoughts lately and this post will break that streak. It'll also include a quote to start it off.

"When a person sets a thing in motion, there's a feeling of unease, almost regret, until you learn the truth." -Nicolas Sparks, Dear John

When I read that quote I identified with it immediately. As well as this song.

I see your shadow even when your not standing there
I feel you when I close my eyes
I've been through it all,
And made it out alive
It's only just a matter of time

I won't be (hopeless)
I was so (devoted)
Pieces will come together
I was so (blinded)
My heart is flat(lining)
And I promise you baby that..

I've tried but I can't try no more
And I cry but I can't cry no more
And I try but I can't try no more
And I've cry but I can't cry no more
It's just so impossible going
on without you
on without you
no I can't
It's impossible going on without you
On without you, I know I can't

I hear your walking through the halls
and I know your not home
The thought of you has always remained
I wonder if I call would you pick up the phone
and tell me that you're feeling the same
There's nothing left (in me)
My tank is on (empty)
the pieces will come together
I tell myself(why me)
If I'm wrong(why me)
I'm not giving up baby but

I got an empty bed on my right side
I'm missing you now for a lifetime
I tell myself I'm fine
But I'm lying, I'm lying
And I promise you baby
that I've tried


-On Without Us, Backstreet Boys

I keep going back and forth, at least when I let myself think about this whole subject. I keep going back and forth between being brave, putting myself out there, or doing what seems to be the "right/good" thing and just forget it all. The has been too much pain already suffered to have some more caused. However...I keep thinking...wouldn't I still be suffering from pain if I have all these what if's in my head? This might be the last piece that keeps me holding on. If I say what I need to say, make on last attempt, then maybe finally I can move on. Or get hurt. Though I can say I tried and not think about what if I never tried. However as soon as I start thinking about going with this plan of being brave, I get that tight feeling in the chest of my heart constricting. Knowing, quite possibly I could get really hurt in the end of this. I don't think i'm prepared for that. not yet. So I guess I'm staying in limbo for a little while longer. I did write something a while back directly relating to this topic, which...i guess if i ever let people read this blog, it'll be good to have this passage here.

Do you remember the time where we could talk freely with each other? We told each other everything? We talked about our day, the things we went through, how we felt about things...we shared with each other. And now we hardly talk...scratch that. We don’t talk. at all. I would want to collect all the things I have written about you over the past few months and just give it to you to read. No words, no explanations, just a bunch of writings of how I felt for you to read and digest. Not sure what good it would do, or if it would do anything at all. Except I remember a time where I could have said anything to you and I wouldn’t feel like I had to hide something from you. I didn’t have to guard or filter what I said to you. I could be free. I could talk freely with you, be myself. I guess I wish I could do that one last time. Just let this all good once and for all. Otherwise I’ll just keep thinking, in the back of my head, what if. Then again, you have proven to me over and over again, that nothing I have done lately has changed anything between us. It’s just...not there anymore. And I can’t understand why. And I don’t have the strength anymore to try to understand or to even try to fix it. If theres anything left to fix anyway.
-April 3rd, 2010.