back.

Wow, I knew I haven't wrote in this for a while i just didn't realize that the last time i wrote this was in July. 4 months have passed by and as cliche as it might sound, so much has happened. I've let go of some of that anger and hurt that has been building up inside me from one person in particular. I've moved on from the point of when i started this blog, well as much as a person can without forgetting completely what happened to them. I still have the scars from that event just like any normal person would after an incident. More importantly I've grown from it, I can see clearly now, then again as clear as a person can really see. Let's not say clear, maybe a slightly less blurry version then before. I forgot how good it was to write down my feelings in this thing. Even though 4 months have gone by since the last time i've wrote in this doesn't mean I've had 4 months of trouble free life. No freedom of emotional despair, stress or emotional revelations, or revelations of any kind. Sure there have been times during the 4 months i've needed to express my thoughts and feelings...and right now i wish i had wrote them down instead of letting the time pass me by. I can tell you this much, again, a lot has changed. I'm starting to enter a new phase in my life...well the beginning of a new chapter. One that holds a lot of responsibility and is a bit scary. It's like entering the world anew. I feel as though i'll enter the world prematurely. Course I could prepare myself to the best of my ability which I foresee as being a tremendous stressor in my life for months to come. Which i am definitely not looking forward to. Which in comes my usual habit of repressing, and not thinking about the emotional distress that will is going to happen in the future. Just not think about it, because...when it happens that i do, and i feel this unbelievable amount of stress and anxiety and sadness...i dont know how to handle it. I don't really know how to deal with it in the best way possible. I just feel like there's an elephant standing on my head. I feel the unbelievable weight on my shoulders and everywhere surrounding me closes in. I get into my zone of just quietness, me zoning out.
Something also happened to me in these past 4 months...i've started to date someone. I never thought i'd say that, at least not anytime soon. I could not have foreseen this happen to me during the last times i've written in this blog. What's even more surprising and out of the blue is the person who i'm dating. Ask me who my childhood crush was? it was this guy. I liked him since...as far as i could remember. I use to picture his as my best friend. I would refer to him as that, even though i was never sure, we never made that distinction in our friendship. But we were definitely close, at least i'd like to think so. This guy was the one guy i could always count on. And..he always had a girlfriend. Even when we were in fricking junior high he had one and he was always so "desperately" in love with them. Alright that might not sound good, but i mean he was always so committed to them. He put both feet wholeheartly into the relationships he was in. Whenever I was with him, even though there were feelings on my end, I always felt like just a friend to him. I doubted, highly highly doubted there were ever feelings on his end. Then..one day in July he calls, to hang out, catch up. I've been trying to do this thing, call and ask to hang out, with people i went to high school with but it never seems to work. I've been desperately trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, and this guy was one of them. I never sought out really to reach him but always, always in the back of my mind i wanted to. I guess i can't really justify why i never called him but he did anyway. This opportunity came knocking on my door to finally, finally! connect with one of my closest friends from high school. I've known this kid forever and sadly through the years we lost touch. He was one of maybe 5 people i was truely truely sad i lost contact with. There was no way I was going to give up this opportunity to see him. And it was a good thing I didn't cause look at me today, dating this guy...moving towards a relationship.
It's mindbogglingly sometimes just to think this is where my life is right now. At least in terms of me being in a relationship, especially with this guy. I could go through all the happy, cute, times i've had with him, but honestly, right now, if you couldn't tell from my writing so far, i'm not in that sort of mood.
I just think, if you question whether I wish there was someone who cared for me and that you would? That might be confusing to read later on, I guess I can't convey how i feel in words to the best of my ability right now, at least in this sense. I just think, i look for you for comfort. You pride yourself on being able to be there for me, or at least you should be there for me. You're always there if i need anything, at least at this point i hope that would be true. I can't really tell at this moment..maybe that's just because i'm upset that i couldn't find that comfort with you. I had a crappy day and all I wanted was for you to make me feel better...and you kinda failed at that. So now, i just hope tomorrows a little better and the next day. I hope to get over this the next time i see you because i don't blame you. I know you can't read my mind...but i was hoping with the hints i gave you would pick it up. or at least, i don't know, pay me some attention when i ask for it? talk to me some. Is that hard to ask of you today? Whatever.