fed up

I'm fed up, frustrated and don't know the correct way i should be acting in this situation. This post will mostly like not make any sense and will be all jumbled but i honestly don't care. This blog is and will always be just for me. I just need to get my thoughts out and this is the exact reason why i started this shit.

I'm tired of waiting around this weekend. I feel like a fool when i do. I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that once again i'm putting more into this relationship then the other person. I'm slowly feeling that creeping feeling of fear from the last time something like this happened. And i remember exactly how i felt when everything came crashing down. My heart and head hurt for days. I keep telling myself or reassuring myself that I have my guard up, my hearts closed off...open up a little bit just to let the necessary feelings pass through however, mostly closed off...it's to protect myself. Yet how come every time i remind myself to keep my guard up thats when the hurt comes along. Or starting to come through anyway. I'm tired of just sitting and waiting. I don't think its fair that i've had to do that this week. To sit by and wait by my telephone for your text. Not being able to text you or being afraid to text you in fear that i'm distracting you from your work or being that nuisance and annoying you by constantly texting you. I hate these insecurities but you're starting to endorse them and its slowly taking over my mindset now. So i'm dealing with trying to protect my heart, however still slowly give it to you for the hopeful future but i also have the little devil on my shoulder spouting out all those tiny devilish insecurities that eat at my core. I do not want to think anymore. I want to be in a drunken stupor and not think about this at all anymore. I don't want these thoughts in my head any longer. I want them out. I want to be completely distracted and not think about you and my insecurities any longer. I just don't get how you dont see this. Or why this week was so different. Why didn't i hear from you as much as i normally do? It this your way of pushing me out? letting me now that your done, its over? Cause if its not, then you sure as hell are sending out the wrong message because this is the message i'm getting. I read this text today which sums up how i feel.
"You asked me why I haven't talked to you; Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. I'm glad you're finally noticing."

Except, no one is noticing for me. I'm just feeling the pushing, therefore why i'm not talking so much. And i don't know how to act when this happens. How do i act normal when theres obviously something bothering me? How do i move past this when its effecting me so bad? How do you realize that everythings okay when its not? I just don't understand what's wrong. I can't....CAN'T be the only one that notices that somethings off...can i? Am i reading something wrong? Am i getting the signals missed? Or is this something that's not different or out of the norm? I hate going to bed with a heavy heart and thoughts constantly racing throughout my head. I'm trying so hard to find a song that can help relate to this moment i'm having but no such luck right now. Maybe that's why i feel so lost and confused. I need distractions. I don't want to be in my head right now.