companion

Do you ever get tired of the same routine? Ever feel like you've been doing the same thing over and over? You work throughout the week, go through your routine of work/school, whatever you do during the week then the weekend comes. Yet, somehow your weekends also start to feel a bit ordinary and following a routine. There's no spontaneity in life right now. It's just the same thing over and over again and the next thing you know, a week, month, etc has gone by. Where does the time go?
Lately I've been feeling the emotional weight of not having a special someone in my life. I'm getting that small creeping feeling in the back of my head knowing that I don't really have someone in my life that I could turn too. At least not anymore. I'm lacking in the romantic area. I guess this is where the spontaneity also comes in because everything I do nowadays just seems so regular, plain. There's no jazz or spice in my life right now. I'm lacking that hope and joy that life should bring you everyday.
One of my biggest fears is that there is no one out there fore me, I'll be alone all my life. I'll never find that special someone that people spend their life looking for. I'm definitely screwed because I've grown up in an age where romantic love is the key to marriage, also where 50/60% of marriages today end in divorce. I've grown up watching all those chick flicks where the couple always ends up together and that they're destined for each other. Its the fantasy and I've been sadly drawn to into it. So to say I'm screwed is correct, because when in real life can you find the situations you watch in a chick flick?
I have that fear that I'll never meet someone. Especially if my life is following such a regular routine, when am i ever going to meet someone? Sure, I can get myself out there, however its always easier said then done. There's all these sayings to love life and finding someone. Things being easier said then done is one of them. As well as, as soon as you stop looking for someone they find you. I believed that statement, or that myth, however it hasn't work. I think me trying "not" to look for someone just put me lower and lower on the map.
This is one of the biggest things on my mind lately...how lonely I am. I know relationships aren't easy and I'm sure when/if i ever get into one, it won't be smooth sailing. However I'm scared. First because I can't even count any relationships I've had as pretty serious, and second, when/if i ever do get into a relationship, i'll be so inexperience that it won't work. This constant fear is in my head and causes me to constantly feel the weight of this emotion. I try to put on this brave face that I don't need a relationship, I'm okay with being single. But the truth is, i'm incredibly lonely...and I have been for quite some time now...