Its disheartening when you realize that some relationships just dissipate over time...some reasons known while others are still in questioned. It's like that infamous sock monster in your washing machine, the one that claims that one sock so that there's never a complete pair anymore. This thought came into my head today as I was wishing an old friend a happy birthday. This day actually brought me back five or so years ago where this day had such significance in my life. It brought me back to all those memories and friendships I had with people. Most of whom I'm not in contact with today. It got me realizing how sad it is that I don't really have relationships with those same people that I saw almost everyday for four years. Relationships come and go however do we ever take a step back and realize how many relationships you've lost? Now I may be one of few out there where relationships or friendships, whatever you like to call it, just got dwindled out over time. You lose touch, lost contact, but somehow life goes on. There's not much impact over the lost of the friendship...at that time. However looking back, you might get sad that you lost contact with that person. I know I have...with many people. This is your life, it's what you make out of it. The people in your life are there because of you, what you make out of it is all on you. So these lack of friendships or relationships seem like one less relationship you'll have in your life...if this disconnect continues. Sure you can create new relationships with different people. There's that endless amount that you can create, however what about all those that you have lost? Do they just go into the waste-bin to be taken out like last weeks trash? These people had some impact in your lives otherwise no relationship would have been form, therefore what do you do when these relationships are no longer on your 'radar' so to speak. Or you've just realized that yea, you both have gone on with your lives however you don't want to just lose all communication, lose the friendship forever.
I guess I had no real purpose to that whole "rant" but i felt it needed to be said. It just saddens me that I've lost so many relationships whether it was due to just time passing and lack of communication or just because things got busy and people went about their lives. I know I went about my life, went through the motions and did all the things I needed to do. However as I've said before one thing that was lacking was those friendships or relationships that I craved. I didn't really have anyone I could turn too. I guess I didn't create strong bonds.
Along with just going through life and going with the motions comes my next thought. You know, I have many ambitions in life, it might not be obvious to those around me, but I do. I have desires to do things, be spontaneous and such. I want to be able to be free and do the things that pleases me. However I feel held back. I feel held back by something...all the time. This feeling has prevented me from doing about 95% of the things I've wanted to do. You could say its my own doing or the fact that I've never really been able to 'spread my wings' and fly out of the nest...for a while at least. I can chalk that up to my overbearing and over-protective mother. -Oh how so many things come back to her. Which I don't need a therapist to tell me the relation of that. But that's basically it, this feeling of being held back. Sometimes I can't even notice it happening but I do notice how opportunities have come and gone and hardly, if ever have I've taken the chance to jump on them. I hate 'what if's' yet this feeling of being held back has caused so many of that. I can't help but wonder how my life would be different had I gone after all those things I've wanted. Had I chased the dreams I've had, and some, still do. Had I be more bolder and really be aggressive in getting what I wanted. Had I just jump and taken risks. I guess there's still room to change this...
Then again, as always it's easier said then done.
Though i've heard that if you start pretending to be the person you want to be, eventually you become that person.
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