silently weeping

How is it that I always get in trouble. 98% of the things that come out of her mouth is me getting yelled at and her telling me to watch the tone of my voice. It seems like I can't do anything right in her eyes. How would you feel going throughout your day/life knowing you're second best. You'll never be good enough. You can do 9 things right but what will get noticed is that one thing you didn't get right. That one thing will get blown into a huge deal and something you hear about the rest of the day.

It seems like my mother purposely waits till i'm out of the room to speak. She doesn't talk to me, nor does she want me to hear anything thats going on. She only wants to talk to my brother. She only acknowledges my brother. I have to go throughout the day hoping i don't say anything around my mom because in an instance she can get mad at ANYTHING I say and yell at me for doing something wrong.

I have to bite my tongue at everything i say around her. If i ever dare to talk to her, I have to watch tremendously what I say because she takes almost everything I say as something negative or with an attitude. My brother can say the exact same thing or things worst than what I say and never get in trouble. He can full on yell at her and call her stupid or retarded yet If I ever dare to say something even remotely like that, oh you best know that I'll be hearing that for a week. Fuck, I'm still paying for my teenage years where I did give attitude and was a hellion. However what teen doesn't go through that? However everything I do wrong now the blame gets brought back from my teenage years and I'm accused of all the things I did during those formative years.

I have to tread lightly on water everyday when I walk into this house when my mother is home. I constantly have to guard what I say and bite my tongue because anything I say can set the bomb off. It's like I have no emotions when I come into this house. I'm not allowed to speak my mind. Either I don't get taken seriously or I get into trouble. So after getting yelled at a few hundred times I've been condition just to shut my mouth and eat my food, go about my day in quiet. Its quite simple, I just don't speak anymore.

I go throughout my day in silence. Not able to express my emotions for fear of getting yelled at. If I get mad, god forbid me to ever express that because that would just make it worst. Nothing I do is justified, therefore what's the point in fighting it anymore. I've even been told by my father just to shake my head and nod when my mother speaks. There's no winning against her. Honestly, every thing I do is wrong in her eyes.

I can't even try to express my feelings out because it doesn't matter, she can't see what I'm talking about. She either doesn't understand or it just doesn't matter to her. I'm an ass and have way too much of an "attitude." I'm sick and tired of her using that excuse EVERY. EVERY TIME she gets mad at me for something, or anything for that matter. I can't even look at her because she claims I'm looking at her the wrong way.

When somethings not even my fault and I have to converse with her I still GET in trouble and her yelling at me. I'm actually surprised I've lasted this long without blowing a gasket, however I guess it just a matter of time. However even though I haven't blown the "gasket" yet, the pain and repercussions of these feelings i feel everyday have come out in other mediums.

I'm shaking with anger today because the madness I feel is getting all too much. I've had tears silently fall down my face because the pain is just unbearable today. And the worst part is I didn't cause this. This incident was entirely out of my hands. It came about because of my own cousins stupidity, recklessness and irresponsibility. I can't stand it anymore.

I don't know how many more days I can silently weep or have the harm built up inside me without letting anyone know how i truly feel. It's becoming increasingly unbearable.