Hung Up

It's been a little while, my past two posts have been solely songs. I guess I'm just slowly...definitely slowly coming to realize that...i have to move on. I have to stop being so hung up on the past because its not helping me move forward. For a good long while I didn't have the biggest support system. I dealt with problems and issues all on my own, thought about them in my own head and took my own advice. This worked out for me, then again this was all I had. Now as i've built up my support system and have a fair share of people i could go to if i truly need help, i find myself having to guard myself and not being able to fully tell them whats going on in my life. In certain situations I have to leave names out and when i can say names these people don't really understand to the full extent just what's going on in this situation. I guess, people really can't know to the full extent what situation your in, until they themselves are in that particular situation. But they can still listen, still give their input and in some cases offer some advice and what they think. And now lately...now that i have been telling people whats going on in my life, to some extent, I find that i'm slowly...kinda, losing myself in all of this. I'm worried, and I shouldn't be, I know I shouldn't be. But i'm still worried about what these people say when they do realize just how deep I am into this situation and what they're gonna say when I don't listen to their advice. I know I should, it'll probably be beneficial for me to listen to them...but I just can't find myself...yet.

I pride myself to be tough. As much as i believe in all that fairy tale romance and the typical chick flick story I don't want to be that naive girl that keeps going back to the asshole, or the douche. If i step back, look at my own situation from the outside, take the emotions out of the equation, I would kick myself. I would tell myself that I should be better then this. I should move on, kick this person to the curb. If this person has hurt you the way that they did I would say you don't need this person in your life. However that's when the emotions come rushing back in and I immediately get reminded how much this person has already affected my life...in a good way. I truly believe that this person has helped me open up so much more and made me so much more self aware. This person has helped me become much, much, much more comfortable in my own skin. This person has made me realize that I don't need to change for anyone and that I should just be exactly who I am. That's kinda funny though...because this person says that..yet we're not together. Or can't be. I don't know. That could be another story, or one in all the same. I'm realizing now as well that this blog, as it started out as my outlet and for me to write my feelings out using song lyrics, has majorly been about one person, or a situation around this person.

I heard the other day that sometimes people..."They wanna hear the songs with the words they're too afraid to say..." Which i find completely and utterly true. This is what my blog was to be based on. Finding those song lyrics to express those words I'm too afraid to say. And that has been true these past couple of days for me. I've had trouble talking and finding the words to say to this one particular person, however as you've seen in my past two posts I've found the songs. These are the words I would want to say. I just haven't found the courage yet. Well that's one part. The other part is just me thinking I need to be strong and move away from something that has proven its not good for me.

I've slowly done that though. I have been pulling myself away and trying not to dwell on the fact that this situation is not working out. However, like its happen in the past, as soon as i make the effort to move on, move past whatever it is, the other person draws me RIGHT back on. Almost immediately. It's like they have a radar. So I got sucked right back in and even though i told myself not to get my hopes up, lets just see where this sudden revelation goes, see if it takes...it didn't and my hopes got drawn up a bit. So the end result? Me getting hurt, once again, even if its a little bit, it still adds onto the already there pile. And now...i'm just trying not to see the point in trying anymore. And honestly, I think i've become the girl that has gotten kick so many times that she FINALLY comes to realize that enough is enough. I wish that the first kick would have done this end result..but it didn't, and i had to endure the many kicks first. However...sadly i have to say that we'll see how long this lasts because I'll admit, i'm sure I can be easily swayed to having my hopes up again. I blame all the romantic comedy's or chick flicks I've seen. They give me hope that someday I'll get my own chick flick type story and happy ending.

This post was all over the place but I had to get something out. This isn't one of the best writings i've had, but I needed to post. I thought I should share some freelance thoughts going on in my head today. Back to pandora-ing Colbie Caillat and finding chick flick movies and reading romance novels..by Nicholas Sparks. Yea...i'm just feeding the monster..I know.