I've been meaning to blog for some time now. Every time there's a profound, or at least what I think is profound to me, thought pops up into my head I quickly want to jot it down or blog about it so it would be forever remembered and saved. Especially since my brain nowadays forgets everything. I can't hold onto most memories or thoughts unless they're incredibly ingrained into my head. That might be due to me repressing the shit out of emotions, ideas, memories and whatnot over the course of my years, which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before somewhere in these entries.
Today I was thinking, or late last night, I can't remember, I was thinking about when I'll finally let people know and read this blog and whom I'd tell first. I thought about it for a long time and yesterday I realized...I don't think I want to let anyone know about it. At least...not anytime soon. I'm content with just having this for myself. I think that's the best thing. This is my outlet, for myself. For me to express myself and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open when I can't anywhere else. I haven't had to delete anything or change anything in the entries I've posted because...well no one is looking or reading them...at least not to my knowledge. And I like it that way. I can go back and reflect on what I was thinking during those times...especially the last entry. As dark and depressing as it was, I wouldn't want to delete it. It's all truth...it was how I felt at that exact moment and as I look back on the entries I've made I can go back to that one and remember how I felt that day. It was a dark day for me and I'll always remember it.
I've been thinking about change a lot lately. Change in the way I dress, how I act, the actions I take, life in general. I've been thinking about finally getting my ears pierced after years and years of saying I would never do it and basically being frightened about the idea of the pain and infections that could possibly happen. But one day I just decided...you know, it might be time. Add something to my look. I've also been thinking about tattoos...A LOT lately. Which happened relatively the same time the ear piercing idea popped into my head. It might also coincide with the fact I was looking at pictures of a celebrity I've come to admire and love. But i've always wanted a tattoo, I knew that one day I would get one. It was just the matter of what to get. In the past when I thought about it I thought about getting a little B, written in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer logo on my left ankle..as a dedication to my first tv show obsession. I loved that show and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was never too set on that idea though. Recently I've come up with four tattoo ideas that I kinda fell in love with...two of them at least for sure. First I want to get On My Own with a small gold star next to it on the side of my right foot. It's my ode to the titled song from Les Miz. I've had that song on my ipod for years sung by different artist but never truly listened to the lyrics until I heard Lea Michele beautifully sing the hell out of that song. I realized how easily I relate to the song and by far, one of my favorite songs out there. I definitely want that on my foot. I should also read Les Mis before I do it though..just in case. But right now, I love what that song stands for. Another tattoo idea I have is getting the Claddagh Ring tattooed on my right lower hip. I believe its a pretty intimate place and its a pretty intimate symbol, to me at least so I want to get it there. Its also a small ode to my first tv obsession because that's where I first learned and fell in love with that ring. I've worn that ring ever since. I've also want a tattoo on my wrist which I was thinking about getting Think, Process. It would be a reminder to myself to think and really process what's going on in my head...as so I wouldn't repress it. I don't like repressing thoughts, its definitely not healthy, I know that. However I've done it for so long now, its become a habit, a coping mechanism. So it would be my reminder not to do it. I also want Jan on the left side of my body by the ribs. I won't be a Jan forever. When...or sadly if...I ever get married, I'll be taking my husbands last name. I won't "really" be part of the Jan family any longer. So it would be my ode to my family. Those are my four tattoos.
This post wasn't to thought provoking or reflection based but I thought i should blog. Its already June 17th and I haven't blogged for the month of June. I want to keep up the habit of blogging at least 3 times a month. So here's to this month. Maybe more tomorrow I'm actually getting tired and "talked" out.
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