So I just wrote a WHOLE bunch of shit in this blog, yet something happened and I signed out when I didnt click log out and somehow I lost what I just spent the last...hour or so writing a long overdue post. I don't know if I even have the headspace, energy or the memory to even re-write what I just spent the last hour doing. Stupid blog. I wish your auto save was a little bit better. I'm only going to create a little outline and hopefully I can write all that I wanted to write this time..but later.
-How lately I've been finding things in common with some new friends and people i never thought I would. Its crazy how the thoughts you have, insecurities and what not, how people share the same thoughts and ideas. It gives me hope that there are people out there that understand me and there are people out there that can be there for me. It just gives me a small smidgen of hope that I'm not alone out there. Though sometimes, especially lately, it feels that way.
-I went away for the weekend which I was dreading profusely. I did not want to go, I was stressed out and was not looking forward to it at all. I didn't want to go talk about my feelings, share with others and do some self-exploration exercises with 7/8 other people some of which I barely even know, or like. One of the main things was though that I wanted to avoid someone as much as possible. Well really, I just wasn't sure how to act around this one person. What I thought were my two options, bitchy and normal didn't seem like the right fit at all. I also had some hesitation to go on this weekend because I felt like there could be a lot riding on it, when it came to a certain subject. I felt like this weekend could make or break a relationship and I don't think I was ready for that answer. I didn't want to hope that something good would happen and a friendship would be rebuild, or something even better then that. But I was also afraid of finally coming to terms about whether or not this relationship was worth fighting for. I don't think i was ready to come to that conclusion yet. There's no stopping time however and the weekend came up and I had to go on this trip.
-However this trip wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Actually, looking back it was a wonderful trip and overall a positive experience. Sure there were some crap moments and some negative aspects, but that's just life. Once my car consisting of 3 awesome people started to trek to our destination the weekend started. Once we set out on that open road with the ipod music blaring, sun shinning, windows down, I started to feel the stress and weight on my shoulder start to dissipate. This feeling of being relaxed and carefree has been so foreign to me lately that I wasn't going to let anyone ruin that. I wanted to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed and carefree especially during the weekend because I didn't know when the next time I would have this chance, especially since I can feel the work piling on once again as I'm back to "civilization." Also during this trip I made the decision that someone in particular was not going to get to me. I was going to dead this person because there was no point on dwelling of what was clearly NOT there anymore. Again, I wasn't going to let someone ruin my weekend. I'm tired of playing that role of being the one who takes action and looks like a douche in the process or a sad little kitten begging for something. That's not me and I won't let it be me, especially not with a person.
Another topic that has been on my mind lately is letting this blog go. I mean that in the sense of putting the link out there and letting people read what i've written. It might make things so much easier because i haven't held back in these posts, I've only held back on the names of people and the specifics. It might be easier to just let people read these posts because it gets everything out in the open. There's no more need to hid or play the what if game. I could safely say that I took the plunge and wouldn't need to worry about the what if's anymore, which can drive you crazy. However once I let this blog "go" in a sense, its not longer mine. That's what I feel like. People I know will be reading this and I'll have to be mindful of what I put up here. At least I hope if I let this go, people will care enough to read it. But really, once I know that people can read this, it'll be different. I'll be self conscious of the words I write and I'll no longer to the no-holds back post and just say what I feel. I don't want to hide or hold back, though sometimes I do. I don't want to hide behind the facade anymore and I find it much easier when the truth is said. By letting people, or certain people read these posts I think it provides them with a much more inside look into me, and might help progress things forward. But I don't know if I'm ready yet to expose myself like that.
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