Vent/Rant

I haven't wrote in here in a while, mostly because nothing has come across my mind lately that's been needing to get out. Nothing noteworthy has happened to me over the past couple of weeks that i felt the need to write about. More importantly I've just been taking each day by the day. Just going through the motions to get through the day. I haven't spent the time to think about all that's happened or take a breather. I've just gone through each hour of the day for weeks now. Guess by doing that, and not thinking/processing everything its led me to this point of me wanting to explode. I felt like i needed somewhere to vent, rant, scream, yell out my feelings and thoughts before they get misplaced to someone else. I guess its also why i feel like everything is crashing down on me today and this week in particular. I'll definitely have to write soon because once again i'm leaving for my all-'important and fun' retreat weekend. Yea..I can still remember how i felt when I left in the fall and let me tell you...I'm really looking forward to that again. I think i might be if not equally or more excited about the trip then i was last time i went up. I can only hope its not the same shit-fest it was in the fall but..as of right now, my hopes dwindling on its last leg.

The more important reason for me writing an entry today when I should be tackling the endless list i have of shit i need to get done before i leave and the weekend goes to waste, is that i need to vent. Simple as that. I'm pissed at everything and have no outlet to express that anger. I can't vent to someone, or at least the person i have in mind because i have a feeling i'm pissing her off with my bad, pissed off mood. So, I'm angry a lot, I hate on people a lot. Sue Me. I am the way I fucking am. I don't see the reason for me to guard myself anymore. It's fucking tiresome and why should i? If you don't like me or don't accept me for the way I am then I don't need you in my life. I'll just have to continue to guard myself when I'm around you and what kind of shit is that? How much work is that to do for the rest of my life?

People disgust me. I don't get why you have to put on a front, or act the way that you do. Why must you have to have the constant need for attention or to be a jackass? I don't understand why you say someone's annoying as FUCK yet you still make the effort to talk to that person? or you something to reach out to them? I DON'T FUCKING get it. I don't know how the fuck your head works. You're also one of the reasons why I'm dreading this fucking weekend and its not fucking surprise that you had this effect on me last year as well. I don't even think I can help not being an asshole to you during the weekend. At this point, because i'm so fucking pissed theres no way I can be civil. I wont be fake and act like everythings okay. Which is exactly why I can't imagine this weekend will be anything but shit.

I thought venting would help me out, however its only getting me madder. I can't think of anything right now that would help me calm down. I can feel my blood boil and its getting to the tipping point. AND i'm getting a fucking headache. I can almost feel myself starting to shake with anger. I can't focus on anything nor can I really pinpoint everything that's making me mad. Though I can pinpoint what caused me to almost go over board, which is what I wrote up ^ there.

I'm tired of being kick to the fucking curb and obviously not cared for. And that goes for more than one instant. I don't know how much more I can put up being constantly shit on by my mother. It's getting to the point that the deliberate efforts on her part to ignore me are getting more and more obvious, when as a mother that shouldn't be the FUCKING case. I know i'm not the favorite. I know i'm the second best child. I can pretty much go throughout my day with being in this house and not being talked to. If i am being talked to by her, its mostly to put me down or criticize me. Mostly I get constantly ignored by her. I'm going away for the weekend, she knows this. I won't be in cell phone range therefore we'll have limited if at all communication. So what does she do? She makes the grand ol' effort to talk to my brother about the plans she has for their weekend. She talks to him and only him when we're both her children and both in the house. There's three people in the house yet she'll only talk to one. She won't acknowledge me only when she needs to yell. I can only be pushed so far. Half of my therapy will be because of this shit. This is everyday. Her not including me in the conversations, her just talking to my brother. Her outright expressing her concern over my brothers behalf and not mine. Its sickening. I've had to deal with this for some time now. And its just pushing me farther over the edge.

I can't tell when this angers going to die down. It hasn't yet after venting and hopefully it wont get misplaced onto someone else and they'll have to feel my wrath. I'm trying hard for that not to happen.